The Verruckt

UPDATE 8/8/16: I wrote this post two years ago and I joked around about how dangerous this thing looked. Well, unfortunately, this weekend it happened. Caleb Schwab, a 10-year-old boy, was killed on this slide. No one has said yet what happened exactly, but clearly something went wrong and he was killed. I can't imagine the pain and loss this family must be feeling and I find myself thinking of them a lot lately. Everyone I know joked around about this slide being insane and sadly it lived up to its name. I hope they tear this thing down. I really do. Caleb Schwab was the son of a Kansas lawmaker and he was at the park that day for Elected Officials Day. Apparently, one of the reasons this slide was built in Kansas was due to our lax laws regarding height requirements for this sort of ride. I've also read that our inspection procedures are not as strong as other states. While I feel awful for Caleb's family, I'm hoping that something good might come from his loss. Maybe now Rep. Scott Schwab will work tirelessly to make laws that will protect the children of Kansas in Caleb's memory.

As you know, I live in Kansas and we don't usually have much to brag about. We've got Dorothy and Toto and that's about it. However, over the last year or so we've been all aflutter about the fact that Schlitterbahn is building the world's tallest waterslide here: the Verruckt.

Photo: MidwestIinfoGuide

It isn't close to my house, but I have seen it a few times. Over the last year I've watched the structure go higher and higher up in the sky. We'd drive by and my kids would ooh and ahh and beg to ride down that slide at some point this summer. I'd try not to throw up looking at the sheer drop off.

The thing is a monstrosity. Its fancy German name supposedly translates into "Insane." I'm thinking it really translates into "Oh Hell No, Over My Dead Body is a Child of Mine Getting on That Slide of Death!" The slide is taller than Niagara Falls. It's taller than the Statue of Liberty. Not only is it a straight drop to a probable death, there is hump at the end. A HUMP!!!

Look, I'm not a physicist, however, I have eyes. I can see that when you drop 17 stories at 60 to 70 miles per hour and then you go up a HILL, you will probably fly off of that shit.

Well, guess what happened recently? The slide was supposed to open this weekend and after they sent down some test riders, they decided they needed to postpone the grand opening, because the test riders went airborne. Mother effing AIRBORNE!!!

All I can say is: "Duh."

Did anyone at Schlitterbahn question the designers at all? Did they ever say, "Umm...hey guys, this looks sick. And I mean that in the most amazing way. But...have you thought about what happens at the end? There's a pretty decent hill there and when you're cruising at say 70 miles per hour in a raft, it might be a bit...um bumpy...dontcha think?"

I imagine if anyone did say this, the designers would have turned their cold eyes on the executive and said, "It's called Insane, not Pansy Baby Slide. Obviously you only have enough balls for the lazy river."

In case you want to lose your lunch, go ahead and watch this video and get a close up look at Verruckt.


Hopefully it was obvious that this was NOT a sponsored post. Schlitterbahn could offer me and my family full season passes and I still won't allow anyone related to me on the Verruckt -- that includes you too, Hubs.

UPDATE: It's open, but I will still not go because I like my lunch to stay in my stomach.


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52 comments:

Amanda said...

In the words of Whitney Houston, 'Hell to the no!'

Unknown said...

ummmm...no. Talk about an atomic wedgie.

Kenya said...

OMG that's crazy!!!!!

KCmomof2 said...

The kids and I can't wait to ride it! We actually didn't renew our season passes to Worlds and Oceans of Fun because we decided we wanted to spend more time at Schlitterbahn this summer. I don't want to be the first person to ride it but I will be going and I will give you a review. You should at least come float the lazy river and hang out in the wave pool!

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

My hands are sweating. Gah. Don't you really wonder how stuff like that can make it through? I guess that's why you wrote the post. ;) Ellen

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't you...free fall? All over the place? Like...FALL. Nothing underneath you. And what if you hit the bottom on your head or something. Gravity does weird things. People aren't like they are in the movies - we actually break when we fall off great heights. HELLLLL NOOOOO. That's a lot of NOPE. NOPE.

stylistlaurie said...

You don't have to worry about me trying it! I'd never make it to the top. I would pass out from exhaustion/dehydration/heat stroke just from trying to climb those stairs.

Veronica said...

Just watching the video freaked me out! Gah!!

Unknown said...

Motherfluffing NO. We drove the kids by it on our way to Dave and Busters and I think I peed myself a little.

Sue said...

Can you say Enema?

cakeburnette said...

All I could think was, WAIT, YOU HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY UP THERE JUST TO GET IN A LITTLE BOAT TO DIE?

Unknown said...

Did nobody think of an elevator? Sheesh...

http://decoratedchaos.blogspot.com said...

I'm local to KC and I wont ride it but I would love to watch others who will! We can't wait to check it out!

Jeanna said...

When my husband and I got married we took the kids to Schlitterbahn in Texas for our honeymoon. We're in Cali now but I can totally see my husband getting on that thing. My kids are adults now and both of my sons would get on it just to prove their men. :D

Unknown said...

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Garnigal said...

That is exactly what I thought. There's no effing way I'm climbing that many stairs.

Ashley @ ThisUnscriptedLife said...

Nope! Not gonna do it!
"Gonna fly off that shit" lol

Unknown said...

First let me say I would sooner get a bikini wax on the courthouse lawn than get on that slide. But on serious note, what keeps the person from free-falling? When you are going straight down at roughly 70 mph, wouldn't there be a danger of losing contact with the slide?

LIV said...

Yikes. Yep. I'm with you. There was a time when I might have tried it. And even though I'm heavily insured now (and hubs as well), NO F/N WAY!

Michele said...

As long as they get things working right and many other people have survived, I would totally go on this thing screaming my head off the whole way down!!!

Anonymous said...

It should be called "Shitterbahn" because I'd probably poop my pants in fear while yelling "VerrF*ckkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!" All the way down. :)

aurxdoc05 said...

I surely hope their "test riders" were dummy dolls and not just dummies!

Paige Kellerman said...

Nope. Nope. Nope. Or we could go do it together and document the experience. Just putting that out there if your summer gets boring and you want a near death experience.

Rachel M. said...

This is exactly what I was thinking! And there would have to be a SHIT TON of alcohol involved....

Anonymous said...

Oh, NO WAY!!!!!! And, as if the whole idea of the thing isn't insane enough, they put that Damien Omen music to the video! Not even a chance - just told my husband that I will not, ever, under any circumstances agree to our son getting on this ridiculous concoction of 'fun'!

Anonymous said...

LOL! No kidding!

Emelie said...

Someone will die on that thing. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. And it will not take long.

Lisa said...

Oh, HELL to the NO. Of course, even if I lost my mind and decided to try it, I'd die climbing the stairs. I almost keeled over going up Vernal Falls in Yosemite last week. Yeah, I'd be a goner.

What I want to know is HOW, in today's age of digital models and all, did they NOT ANTICIPATE people going airborne at the end?????

Mrs. P said...

Oh heck no!! After having 3 kids riding a normal slide is like having my internals scrubbed...I don't think I'd want them power washed...Eeep!

fancy spatula said...

Am I the only one less concerned with the slide than the name of the park and all of the immature names that comes with Schlitterbahn?

"Schlitterbahn? More like Shitter-bahn!" "Don't you know what they do in those pools?" "It's German for'swimming in fecal matter'!"

Signed- clearly not a native Kansasian.

Ann E. Bryant said...

Hell no, is right! I once went down a normal size water slide and there wasn't enough water so I got scraped and cut to hell. It was a painful 30 seconds and scary too because I was being hurt all the way down. I can't even imagine if something went wrong on this because it is so long.

Unknown said...

I just read an article that came out today and said it is just a rumor and they haven't even had people test it. The people that designed the slide ARE physicists/engineers and I'm sure they'd do some basic calculations to make sure a raft is going to safely ride the slide before investing millions in building it.

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

I'm uncomfortable just looking at that picture. HELL nope.

BadParentingMoments said...

There isn't enough Xanax in the WORLD.

Jenna said...

My thoughts exactly.

Erin Janda Rawlings said...

No. Just no. And I love thrill rides.

Allison said...

Didn't you grow up in NNJ? Two words: Action Park. Some people will never learn.

http://lisarpetty.com/ said...

My palms are sweaty and I feel like I might hurl. Thanks!

Amanda Dearest said...

Oh my gawd. I so totally thought you were about to hype thus shit uo, and im thinking IS SHE ON CRACK??

Seriously tho- that slide looks like you wouldn't even slide. Just fall. Not touching the SLIDE while FALLING.

My tummy hurts :(

Unknown said...

FYI - Action Park is back!

Unknown said...

Dear....God....NO

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pam said...

Your kids can't go on it yet.... minimum age for a rider is 14. Which is how many drinks I'd have to have before I could even consider riding it myself.....

Unknown said...

Okay, I'll be THAT person... I'll take the punches. I saw the completed project on the news last night. The first few test runs did not have people in it. You sit in a raft. You are strapped into the raft. They have also put a "cage" (net-like) on top of the slide. They claim this feature was always a part of the plan... My personal opinion is they were trying to figure out how not to use one, but I have no proof. They had to keep post-poning the grand opening due to all the tests they had to run - because of "new technology." It's open and the YouTube videos of people riding this ride are great.
I think, after all the safety precautions they've taken, I would definitely ride this!

Unknown said...

No age requirement, just height and weight. At least 5'4" and 100 lbs. (and no one over 300 lbs.)

Jen Piwtpitt said...

That place was a Death Zone!

Jen Piwtpitt said...

At least 5'4", well shoot. I was going to go, but then I realized I'm too short!! Now I have a real excuse why I can't ride besides "I'm a chicken."

RachRiot said...

Here I am in Texas, home of the original Schlitterbahn, and not even our dumb asses want that ride o' death. Verr├╝ckt: Rhymes with FOOKED.

Amanda said...

My husband and I are taking the day off in a couple weeks since we got free Schlitterbahn passes (we're in KS too!). However, we are sane and will not be riding this thing. We will enjoy watching other people plummet to the earth, though.

Unknown said...

Age requirement is 14 or older

mamasue67 said...

uhmmm no wedgies..it's a 3 man raft.

mamasue67 said...

so, you are postive about this?? lol

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