People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Qualities We Want in Our Future Son-in-Law


Qualities We Want in Our Future Son-in-Law

I've been thinking about Adolpha a lot lately. She's growing up very fast now and before I know it, she'll be bringing home some young man and telling us she wants to get married. I'm hoping it's still 20 years from now, but you never know. All the more reason to start training her now, so she doesn't bring home some asshole that no one wants in this family. I need to make sure that she's got a good list of qualities she needs in her future husband.

The Hubs and I sat down and we came up with the following qualities we're looking for in a future son-in-law:

Loving and Caring. This is obvious. Adolpha is our precious pumpkin and he needs to be loving and caring towards her. However, we don't want to see this loving and caring relationship. There shouldn't be a whole bunch of PDA. Holding hands is one thing, but don't play tonsil hockey on my couch on Christmas day.
Smart. Adolpha is a bright girl and she'll need a wicked smaht boy to keep up with her. He'll need a good head on his shoulders. Book smarts are great, but we're looking for a healthy mix of book and street smarts. Most importantly, this young man should be smart enough to know that he can never appear to be smarter than the Hubs. That shit won't fly.

Big eater. Another Hubs one. He likes to hit the all-you-can-stand buffet with men with hollow legs. He likes get our money's worth at the buffet.

Not Unattractive Looking. This one can be a little confusing. What we're trying to say here is that if Adolpha brings home an unattractive guy we'll feel bad for her and think she could have done better (we're assholes, I know), but if she brings home a super attractive guy then we'll worry that he's a player and he won't be faithful to our snowflake. Thus, the need for a not unattractive guy.

Handy, but not handsy. This one is the Hubs' idea. I keep reminding him that Adolpha will be married to this guy. He should probably be handsy with her. The Hubs is buying that. He'd prefer our grandchildren are conceived via immaculate conception.

Sarcastic. Even at the tender age of seven, Adolpha has already shown us that she has a dry and dark sense of humor. She's going to need a man who can dish it as well as take it.

Wealthy. Adolpha needs to be provided for. We paid for her first 25 years (you know I'm not going to cut her off as soon as she hits 18 even though the Hubs will threaten to), but now she needs to be someone else's responsibility. This girl has champagne tastes and a caviar career outlook. Adolpha dreams of being a professional dog groomer. I say, "You mean veterinarian" and she says, "No, I want to be the one who cuts the dog's toenails." I have no idea how much that job pays, but I doubt it will cover her electric bill. I don't want her laying awake at night worrying about money or walking dogs on the side to pay for groceries. But mostly we want him to be rich so we can borrow some money.

Good luck in your search for a man, Adolpha! I know you will look high and low to try your best to avoid a man like your dad, but you won't succeed. I went half way across the country to find your dad and the first person outside of my family who met him said to me, "Oh shit, you married the Asian version of your dad!"

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Kristi Phillips said...

PDA! One of my favorite stories about my Husband's past is when he brought his very first girlfriend (he was 20) to Christmas. Apparently he was laying on the floor in the middle of his Grandparents living room when she got on top of him, and proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat while grinding on him... I laugh because I didn't have to witness that, but had he have been my son or grandson, I would have thrown that little tramp out in the cold. :)

Anonymous said...

And if he has a brother, let me know.

Jennifer said...

We have a great son-in-law. I am 45.... he is 42, she is 26. Be he treats her like a queen!!

Cheesehead Forever said...

The problem is that I didn't see that I married my Dad until after hubby and I were married. It's quite scary. They don't look alike but there are way too many shared personality qualities!

jayde828 said...

He should also know how to properly wash dishes by hand... I am amazed at the number of adult men I know who can't actually wash dishes.

Megan Dobson said...

Me too!!! I hate that I married my father. But he *totally* married his mother so I guess it works out? Lol

Rory Bore said...

I had never lived with a man before I got married, so I would add "must be house-broken" because seriously, toenails are not to be clipped at the table. boys are gross.

Jenna Moore said...

And don't forget that he should not only be a great housekeeper but like cleaning so she won't be stuck doing it all the time.

Mallory Smith said...

Too funny! I'm 26, my hubs is 42, and my mom is 47. She loves him now but definitely wasn't thrilled when we started dating!

Dolly Jurado said...

Vet Techs cut dog nails, as well as many other cool things. They actually do a lot more hands on stuff than Veterinarians do. :)

Jen Piwtpitt said...

That makes me feel better. I'm imagining my daughter being a professional poop scooper.