When I Realized I Wasn't Tough Enough for NYC - Pt. 2

I started this story yesterday.  You might want to catch up so you can follow along.

All I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich.
I came out of the subway station and found that the downpour was still going on.  I fought the rushing water to get back up the stairs and headed for the disgusting grocery store.


Inside it was packed.  No one wanted to go out for dinner or wait to have it delivered that night.  I grabbed the last loaf of bread and got on the long line.

By now I was tired and cold and still wet.  I just wanted to go home.  I should have just gone home, but damn it, I really wanted that grilled cheese sandwich so I held on.  I stood online and shuffled forward like a zombie every few minutes.  I was getting close to the register now and I didn't have much longer to wait.  The end was near.  I was so ready to get out of there when suddenly . . .

I was attacked.

"Son of a bitch!" the man behind me yelled as he knocked the loaf of bread from my hands.

"What?!  Are you crazy?" I screamed as he stomped the living shit out of my loaf of Wonderbread.  My grilled cheese sandwich!!  "What are you doing?  That's the last loaf, you asshole!"

He stopped and said to me, "Lady, you're lucky I did that.  There was a mouse in there.  I could see it through the plastic bag.  You would not have been very happy to get home and find that thing in there."

A mouse.  In my loaf of fucking bread.  I stared at the demolished loaf of bread and the dead mouse.

I imagined getting back to my apartment, taking my shower, putting on my cozy jammies and getting my new loaf of bread out, opening the twisty tie, reaching in and grabbing a . . . mouse!!!!!

I almost threw up just thinking about it.  Instead, I just burst into tears.

"Hey lady, relax.  It's just a mouse.  It's no big deal.  You're welcome."

I kept crying.  "Jeez.  Go get another loaf.  I'll save your place," the guy offered.

"I don't want another loaf of bread from this shit hole.  Besides, that was the last one.  I just want to go to home," I sobbed.

"OK, then go home," he said.

"I want to go home to Kansas," I said.  He looked at me like I was insane.

I wanted to say, "Listen, I fell down the stairs in a monsoon and got all wet and gross, a crazy homeless man exposed his penis to me on the subway and now there's a mouse in my loaf of bread.  The universe is sending me a message. I've done my time.  I've given it a whirl.  I'm cooked.  It's time to call it a day."

I left the store and walked slowly through the rain back to my apartment (even when I'm upset I don't run and besides, what would be the point - I was already soaked) crying the whole way.  When I got back I called my mom and dad and said, "I want to come home."

There were ecstatic.  They probably booked me a plane ticket that night.  I don't really remember.

I got cleaned up and went to bed.  I woke up the next morning and the sun was up and the sky was clear.  The roads and sidewalks were clean - New York always looks better after a hard rain to wash away all the grime.  The night before was a distant memory.  I decided I wasn't cooked yet.  I got dressed for work and called my mom again, "I'm staying," I told her.

God bless her, she tried to sound upbeat, "Oh.  OK, sweetie.  Well, just let us know if you need anything."

"A grilled cheese sandwich would be great," I replied.

I ended up staying in New York for another year or so and I never had another day like that one ever again.

This horrible day doesn't even remotely compare to the horrible days all of the victims from Sandy are enduring.  Please continue to remember them and if you can donate to help them.  


18 comments:

Cheryl S. said...

That's the grossest cherry on top of a shitstorm sundae I've ever heard. Gross!

JD @ Honest Mom said...

A penis in your face. A mouse in your bread. That's just one mothereffin' bad day.

Jenn said...

Wow....just wow. I think that's the only word that's an adequate response. Glad you survived!

Marcella said...

I didn't see that coming. Ewww.

Anonymous said...

The mouse was probably trying to get the hell outa' "the disgusting grocery store" alive. Oh, well, didn't have to suffer any more!

Kelly said...

Yep, that's the beauty of my city, it always looks cleaner after a heavy storm or blizzard. But then Mother Nature comes along with one of her "once-every-hundred-years" storm for the second year in a row, and we think, "Shit, what the hell are we gonna do now?" Well, we do what we always do, what you did that day, put one foot in front of the other, get the job done, cry a lot, bury our dead, figure out how to deal with next year's monster storm, and rebuild (hopefully better & stronger).

Jenn said...

Dear Lord, that is a helluva day!! Funny how morning always brings a new perspective.

shannon said...

so now that you're all safe and not living a loop of that godawful day, i can say honestly that i laughed my ass off when you told the guy that you wanted to go home to Kansas because how could anyone NOT think you were doing some weird Wizard of Oz performance piece...

Amanda said...

OMG just OMG. I would have freaking died right there and then. Mind you I have a mice phobia. My feet are up on my chair right now.

Jessica Polley said...

wow! i am not sure what could have made the day worse - that is pretty epic.

Rebecca said...

It does look all sparkly and clean after a good rain. Sorry you didn't get your sandwich, but thank God for that guy, huh?

Ruby said...

Sounds like an episode of Seinfeld. Speaking of which... I wrote my Festivus post almost two years ago but just now realized that I wrote it for YOU! http://www.tomaytotomaaahto.com/2010/12/festivus-soup-n-toasties.html

TNMom said...

Oh wow! I will keep this horror story in my back pocket to make a bad day seem not-so-bad. Lord! Devan

Anonymous said...

I had a day like that even in beautiful San Diego - I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I too stayed for a while longer and I'm glad I did - now I have a deeper appreciation of the midwestern people and some of the simplicity that I used to complain about and find boring. It's not that I won't move anywhere else at some point, but I will do so with an understanding that my heart will likely always reside in many ways here with my family and my memories. Thankfully, short of cataclysm, the road home always remains...

debrah said...

Damn. The mouse and the Penis. I'm not going there. LOVE the story - Hope you write more about your evolution. Great voice Jen!!!

Cheryl S. said...

@debrah...hahaha...The Mouse and the Penis...is that modern day Faulkner, or what?

Alipet813 said...

Bad day!!! I have had a mouse in the bread at a Hyvee here in JoCo, KS. My friend and I went to get the Texas toast thick bread for some meal and it was on the bottom shelf. We went to put it in the cart and the entire back end had a tunneled out mouse hole. Gross, but thank goodness the mouse wasn't in there at the time. We tried to find someone we could tell and could only locate a teenager who looked and us like we were crazy,took the bread, and just went on with what she was doing.

Elphie/Bev said...

I am sharing your blog. My goodness....I haven't giggled this much in months! You ROCK!

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