Sure most of the brides we stood up with were really cool to be around, but we've all had that one bridezilla friend. Y'know, that one who ran her wedding like a corporate board meeting where she handed out agendas and time tables for everyone that included times for them to "be on deck" for the photographer or gave each bridesmaid a bag of "must have" items like bendy straws (can't wreck the bride's lipstick when you're trying to keep her hydrated) or Shout Wipes (for when the bride is a moron and can't control her bendy straw and gets lipstick on her dress when the bendy straw falls out of her mouth and onto her dress).
Oh wait, that was me. I was that bride.
Yup, I was a bit of a psycho. In those days my job was to organize and plan board meetings for a large multi-national company in NYC and I pretty much ran my wedding like a board meeting. It might have been a little crazy for the people participating in the wedding, but I tell you what, my wedding ran like fucking clockwork. (Except for the damn cleaning crew that was supposed to clean the church. Instead my wedding party stayed behind and cleaned the church while the rest of us went to the reception! It still gets me mad when I think about that.)
Anyway, what I mean to say is that I was a bridezilla and my guess is I'm not the only one. I'm betting that many of you were too. However, when I read this email that was sent out by a bride to her first round picks for bridesmaids it made me realize that I've got nothing to be ashamed of. This chick is nuts and ballsy. And nuts. Go check it out on Gawker. I don't want to cut and paste the whole email, because that's uncool and Gawker won't appreciate that. It's fine. I'll wait. It's all the way at the bottom of Gawker's article.
What a twat. I can't even imagine the poor sap who is marrying this bitch. I don't blame her friends for sharing this email with Gawker. It had to be done. Can you imagine how ape shit she must have gone when she realized her email had been leaked? I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when her sister called her up and said, "Uhhh. . . sweetie? Are you sitting down? One of your precious sorority sisters leaked your email to Gawker. Daddy should totally get his money back from that rush week consultant - those are not the kind of people we expected!"
"Why? Which email are you talking about?"
"You know, the one where you look . . . kind of bad."
"I sent three emails to those bitches. I'm not sure which one you mean."
"It was that one where you told them they had to cc me on everything, but never each other, because we would decide if it was worthy of passing along to the group."
"Well, that's not so bad. Those girls are idiots and they do 'reply all' to every thing. No one gives a shit that Ashley is thinking of getting her hair cut before the wedding. We're the only ones who need to know that. You did say 'No' to her, right? Everyone must have the figure 8 bun for the wedding, the sleek pony tail for the Vegas party and the low side chignon for the New York party. You told her to see my 'Approved Wedding Party Hairstyles' board on Pinterest, right?"
"Yes, I told her."
"You also said everyone had to give you their vacation schedules in advance."
"They do. How else can I plan all the parties and get togethers I need to plan without knowing their agendas? It's only common sense, sissy!"
"What about when you said that if they couldn't come to everything you'd feel bad, but you'd cut them out of your bridal party, because you want everyone at everything?"
"I don't think I said anything wrong. My wedding would be ruined if everyone couldn't be in New York, Vegas, and Aspen. It's the biggest fucking day of my life. I want everyone there and I don't want any of the guests saying, 'Poor girl, her bridal party didn't care enough to come to New York or Vegas or Aspen.' That just brings unwanted attention to me. I want to be the center of attention, but not because I look like a loser without any friends! That's why I warned them that I'd cut them if they couldn't come to everything. I cut Shauna because she had that trip to Italy or whatever planned."
"Shauna's been saving for two years to go on that trip. She was just going to miss one bridal shower."
"It doesn't matter! If she can't be at all, then she can't be at any! Maybe she leaked the email! Cut her from the attendees list. She's no longer invited to my wedding."
"And then you told them that you couldn't have them if they were too poor to pay for all the presents, trips, dresses, etc."
"Sissy! I am not a bank. Daddy is not a bank. Daddy is already paying a lot for my wedding. I am not paying for that shit and I do not have time to listen to them whine about lack of money! It is an honor and a privilege to be my bridesmaid and it is also an expensive endeavor. They can't say I didn't warn them."
"I know, but it just seemed a little harsh to me. You know that Kelsey works in retail, so it's kind of hard for her to come up with enough money to pay for everything."
"Ohh, I bet it was Kelsey who leaked the email. She complained last week when I pinned those $400 shoes on my 'Bridesmaids' board. She said they were only going to wear them once and they were so expensive. Uh, excuse me? If I want my bridesmaids to wear teal and hot pink shoes, they will. And of course they can wear them again - with their fucking dresses I picked out for them! Stupid, Kelsey. She works at Forever 21 and you know she was thinking she could just use her discount and buy a dress there. Cut her too."
"She's already agreed to be a bridesmaid. She even got a loan to pay for everything."
"Yeah, but she's killing my bridal buzz. I shouldn't have to deal with her complaints. I just know she's the one who leaked that email. Cut. Her. And put out a new email to the rest of them and let them know that Kelsey is out. Tell them why. Make them shake a bit. Make them think they could be cut from the most epic wedding EVER. Tell them that if I find out who leaked my email to Gawker I will tell every secret I know about them to Gawker. Tell them too that I'm having my lawyer write up a non disclosure for them to sign. If anyone leaks anything more about this wedding, I'm going to sue their asses. Don't be too harsh, though - put a happy face emoticon thingy on the bottom."
"OK. I'm on it!"
"Shit. I just realized!"
"Now I know exactly which email you're talking about. I think I had a lot of misspelled words in it. I'm going to look like a moron."
"Too late, sissy."
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