Weekly Wrap Up

The weekend is here and I wanted to take this time to reply to some of the hundreds (if not thousands) of comments I've been receiving (thank you, everyone - even the silly little haters).  So, I'm going to do a weekly wrap up of the top posts and respond to some of my favorite comments.

First, here were the top read posts this week:

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies  (Still going strong! Amazing.)  This post hit over 1.2 million page views this week.  Thank you so much for those of you who are continuing to share this little gem!

People Who Get Me and My Family Sick  This one was a new post for this week.  It's spreading like the plague!

Doggie Doo  This was a new post this week too.  I'm just mad I didn't think of this ridiculously funny game first.

Saying Goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf  This one has been hanging on since last week.  Anything about the Elf seems to be popular.  

Parents Who Let Their Children Dress Sexy  This was an oldie, but goodie.  I wrote this one a few months ago, but I still think it's relevant and it appears a lot of readers agreed with me.

Thanks for reading and sharing!  

Here are my favorite comments of the week (and my responses).

"Megalomaniac. What a great word." on Donald Trump

Thank you, it's one of my favorites.  I also like to use douche canoe, jackhole, bed wetter and buck toothed as often as I can.  

"Wait are those the names of your kids or just a joke?" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

As long as I write about them in the blog, I think I will always refer to them as Gomer and Adolpha since I've been receiving backlash on calling them "the boy" and "the girl."  These names are made up completely. Their birth certificates say something else entirely.  I swear.

"I thought you were funny after the "Elf on the Shelf" blog, but lately you've become annoying, whiney and you're trying way too hard." on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

I appreciate the honesty and the fact you didn't post this anonymously like some others (I don't why it makes me feel better to have a name to attach to the negative comments, but it just does).  Now, I hope you won't mind when I'm honest with you:  Thank you for your critique.  I applaud you for having the balls to challenge me.  You've put it out there and I'm happy to respond.  I'll try not to be whiny and annoying.  It's hard, but I think I can do it.  


What am I supposed to do with this information?  Am I supposed to change just for you?  Did I charge you fifty bucks to read this blog?  Did you want your money back, is that it?  Or the four minutes it took you to sit there and read it?  Are you funny, witty and hilarious every day of your life?  Because I'm sure not and I know that.  Can you sit down every day and put this kind of shit out there for everyone to judge?  Not every post is going to relate to you personally.  Not every post is going to make you wet your pants or snort coffee out of your nose.  Sometimes, the best I can do is to talk about my life and if only one person relates to it, I don't care, it was still a great day for me.  If it is such a pain in your ass to sit there and read this blog because you think I whine or bitch or try too hard, then feel free to go elsewhere.  This goes for anyone who chimed in with this person and/or who now wants to comment on this post that I need anger management, to relax, to seek counseling, etc.  You may go too.  The blog is not called "Rainbows & Unicorns."  Read the title.  I'm angry - not bitter.  I'm prone to rants - not whiny.  And I'm not always fucking hilarious - so bite me.

"If you dont like it dont read it. Jen I also enjoy your blog and can relate to what you are saying. Thanks!!!!" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

Thank you to this person and all of the others who always jump to my defense whenever someone says I suck.  I love all of you and it makes my day when you say I don't suck.

"I have a Facebook "friend" who created a Facebook page for her 3 year old daughter... Repeat: 3 YEARS OLD! Seriously Wtf is wrong with people?" on Got a Punch?

That is bizarre.  I would unfriend this person immediately.  Is she a pageant mom?  It sounds like something a pageant mom would do.

"Have to agree... ALMOST in total. However, I read The Help soon after it was published and ADORED that book. I recently rented the movie when it went to DVD and am SO happy to say they stuck to the book completely!! While (as always), the book was better and had much more detail (movie time limitations are to be blamed for that...), this was one of the best adaptations ever done, I think." on Hollywood Casting Directors Who Cast the Movies of Books They Don't Read

I agree.  "The Help" was done really well.  I just hope they don't screw up "The Hunger Games" or there will be hell to pay.

"OMG, I'm happily married and love my man, but I have to admit, I think I love you! I can't stand it! I keep freaking laughing out loud waking people up! I'm adding you to my prayer list, cause girl, you freaking keep me going! :) much love for ya!" on People Who Get Me and My Family Sick

Thank you.  I could use all the prayers I can get.

"I absolutely love reading your blog. It is spit my coffee out funny! I love your view of the world around you. Your family are lucky to have you every minute of every day! Keep up the good work!" on Don't Make Me Punch You


Thank you for the kind words and the coffee spit.  I always love a good coffee spit comment.  I'm lucky to have my family - they are the wind beneath my wings.  (Retch.)  OK, seriously, they're pretty cool.

"People who use the office microwave to heat up fish or burn popcorn. Mmm...smells great! Thanks for sharing your stench with the rest of us. People who say "See you next year!" on December 31st. Shut the fuck up! What are you, six? Get a life. People who discuss the results of their pap smear on their work phone for the whole office to hear. Sexy. People who act like they are music Gods. They know what is cool and if you've ever heard of that band, they are now lame." on Got a Punch?


I love all of these - especially the music god people - aren't they the MOST annoying jackholes?  This is a great list and I will definitely be pilfering it. 

"Okay, so now I am "officially" following you. Although I did "like" you a few weeks ago on FB and have been reading your blog daily since. The Elf on the Shelf blog seriously almost made me pee my pants! I had just overheard a conversation at my daughter's dance class the day before and thought the same thing you did about the crazy moms!! Thanks for the laughs and keep them coming! :-)" on People Who Read My Blog But Don't Comment and Don't "Follow" Me

That little Elf has brought me so much love and I am truly grateful for all of you new Followers.  What I don't get is the blog has 29,000 "Likes" on Facebook, why aren't all those Likers now Followers?  I need more Followers. Spread the word, would ya?

"How about people who buy miniature pigs to keep as pets in their house and put diapers on them? That may just be a southern thing though but I think it's stupid as hell and deserves a good punch." on Got a Punch?

I am going to have to do some research on this one!  I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds like something right up my alley.  I'll warn you though, I do have a soft spot for pigs (I wanted a pot belly pig when they were hot back in the 90s) and if I find out they're adorable in their little diapers, I might just get one and put pictures of it on the blog.



Donald Trump


What an arrogant POS.  Is there anything he doesn't think he's good at?  Oh yeah, being poor.  He'd suck at that.

I will admit I've watched his crappy show in the past, but I really couldn't get past the fact that he looks like he has a rodent nest on his head and the sun constantly in his beady eyes.  Those shots with him by his helicopter with the blades churning and the nest NEVER moving really freaked me out.  His coat would be whipping, he'd practically be tipping over from the wind, but the nest stayed put.  Not even the slightest ruffle.  WTF?  With all his money, can the man not buy a mirror?  How much does he have to pay his people for them to say his hair looks great?  Who is his hair stylist?  The world should be allowed to know so that we can all stay the hell away from him/her.

OK, so The Donald (does he prefer that name or did someone make that up for him?) is already treated like the prince of some small Middle Eastern country (seriously, who else but those guys and The Donald takes a dump on a throne literally made of gold??) and now he thinks he'd like to be President of the United States?

I read a few months ago he sent a top aide to Iowa to promote his bid.  I'll give him props for finding Iowa at least.  When I lived in NYC, most New Yorkers confused Iowa, Ohio and Idaho.  They were all the same state in their minds.  Luckily, I was from Kansas and they all know Kansas.  Well, actually they only know two things about Kansas: "Do you know Dorothy?" (She's a fictional character, dumbass.) and "Was your house ever destroyed by a tornado?" (No.  Have you ever been pushed in front of an oncoming subway train?  Because I get all my knowledge about New York City from "Law &Order," just like you obviously get your information from "The Wizard of Oz.")

But, in true out-of-touch-with-the-masses style Trump was quoted by The Des Moines Register as saying that he planned to meet "many, many people - maybe all the people."  In Iowa??  Really, Donald??  I realize that to a big city slicker like yourself, Iowa seems pretty small, but that's a bold comment.  There are over 3 million people in Iowa, you douche.

You've had a few months now to meet all the people of Iowa, Donald, how did that go for you?  My cousins don't recall making your acquaintance and you're a pretty memorable guy so I'm thinking you weren't able to meet all the people of Iowa.

What a jackhole.  Who says stupid shit like that?  Megalomaniacs.

When I heard he was going to host a Republican debate I thought - Oh good, something to really laugh at.  Seriously, can you imagine that guy hosting the debate?  He'd never let a candidate get an answer in.  He'd ask a question and then answer it himself.  That debate would run for days, because he wouldn't shut up.

He's such a dick.

I'm glad to see no one really took him seriously and agreed to come to his debate.  Well, that's not true, Gingrich and Santorum said they'd come.  Of they course they did.  Gingrich would make an appearance at an opening for a 7-11 if he was promised a soundbite and at this point, Santorum was just happy to be invited to any debate.  (When will that guy get a clue and quit?)

Wow.  Are Americans really going to rally around this asshat?  What gives?  Is Newt not condescending enough?  Is Bachmann not crazy enough?  Is Cain not dumb enough?  Is Romney too good looking?  Is Obama too compassionate?

We're in serious trouble here if there are actually people out there who think The Donald would make a good President of the United States.  What are his qualifications to be President?  He's a joke.  The world already laughs at us, do we really need to give them more fodder?

The sun is setting on our empire and we've got Trump who thinks he should throw his hat in the ring?  What does he do except buy buildings, make them tackier (Can you imagine the White House during his "reign"?), declare bankruptcy (3 times), say "You're Fired," brag about himself (a lot), write a book (or 17), and marry beautiful women who get paid handsomely to sleep with him and produce heirs (I realize I'm not even close to being hot enough to be in the running to be the next Mrs. Trump, but if I were, there isn't enough money in the world to get me into bed with him.  I'd choose Hef before him.  Or that really old guy that Anna Nicole Smith married.).

I don't care if you vote Republican or Democrat, just please, don't vote for this moron.

Christmas Wrap Up

Well, the kids were able to hold out until 7:30 this morning.  The boy was the first to awake and after about 15 minutes, he begged his sister to wake up and open presents.

It took me a year to buy the gifts, a week to wrap them, several days of looking for a lost present and 18 minutes for my kids to open them in a flurry of wrapping paper, tissue paper and tape.

I couldn't find the Santa present for the boy.  I looked in every hiding place I have.  I decided to go with Plan B - the skateboard.  I ran out on the 23rd and bought a skateboard, a helmet and knee and elbow pads.  Once I had made up my mind I was willing to go with Plan B, I (of course) found the original present yesterday.

By this time, I had heard from several people warning me the original present (a K'Nex Rollercoaster) can take an average of 9 hours to build.  Two hours in the ER sounded like a treat compared to the Hubs and I killing one another at 4 am a midst a thousand tiny K'Nex pieces.

This morning when the boy saw the skateboard, he was stunned.  He never really thought I'd approve the skateboard.  He was sure Santa would be forced to leave the K'Nex - or books.  He was pretty excited, but in his usual fashion, he tried out the skateboard on the carpet and about fell off it.  He became concerned and asked in wavering voice, "Mommy, how do you think I can practice on this thing without falling down all the time?"

That, son, is the number one reason I didn't want to buy this thing for you.

It's like our own version of my favorite Christmas movie - "A Christmas Story."  The boy won't shoot his eye out, but he'll probably fall down a lot, just like I predicted.

Merry Christmas!!  Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever for me.    

Saying Goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf

I can't believe that tonight the Elf on the Shelf will go back in his box (I mean, fly back to the North Pole to be with Santa, blah, blah).  Gotta keep the "magic" alive!

It's been a big season for our Elf.

We've owned our Elf for about 4 years now and we finally got around to naming him this year.  Privately, the Hubs and I had called him the "little bastard," but to his face, he was "Elfie."  We'd never written it in the book though (I can never bring myself to write in a book - it just feels so wrong), so the name was up for debate since it wasn't "set in stone."

After much negotiating and power brokering, he was christened "Choppy Elfie."  I have no idea why.  Mostly because it was a compromise between my kids.  The boy liked Elfie and the girl like Choppy.  So, Choppy Elfie it is, because Elfie Choppy didn't have the same ring to it.  Good thing I don't have 4 kids.

This year Choppy Elfie's powers over the kids were not as strong and I was a little disappointed in him.  He was slacking a bit this year.  At one point I found him swilling out of a beer bottle - I'm beginning to think he spent most of the season drunk!

Tonight he will go back in his box, but some people are suggesting I bronze the little guy.  After all, when he came out of his box in November - OK, mid-December - less than 100 people had ever heard of me or my rant about him.  Now 1.5+ million people have read the rant, I have 26,000 people on Facebook who like my blog and I'm getting hate mail (a sure sign that I'm doing something right).  It's not the world domination I have planned for 2012, but it's a great start and he was there for the beginning of it.

I can't bronze him.  That would ruin my kids' childhood.

No, Choppy Elfie must go back in his box.  Some others have suggested I leave him out in a place of honor all year.

I can't bronze him and I can't leave him out all year.  If I leave him out, he'll get a swelled head every time he checks his inbox and sees people wetting their pants, crying tears of laughter and LTAO (Laughing Their Asses Off).  His ego will be enormous and we don't have room for that - mine takes up way too much space.

I'm sorry, but Choppy Elfie must go back.  He shouldn't be sad.  He should feel like he had a great season.  We had a good run and in the end, I even remembered to move him a few times (thanks to all the reminders from people on FB).  If people are sad about Choppy Elfie going back in his box, they should remember I never set him on fire (accidentally with a lamp or on purpose with a campfire for roasting s'mores); I never put him in compromising positions with Barbie or Dora or Santa or G.I. Joe; I never hung him from the rafters; and I never made him fish out of the toilet.  I kept his dignity and that's saying a lot in this house.

We will miss Choppy Elfie and we will be excited next November - OK, mid-December - to take him out of his box and welcome him back to his familiar circuit of perches: three kitchen shelves, the mantle and the Christmas tree.

We love you, Choppy Elfie and this Mama is sooooo glad people decided to go Elfin' CrAzee this year!!

Just A Few Things For the Week


I know, I know.  How grumpy can I be this week?  I started the week with 70 awesome followers and I was thrilled if I got 300 page views in a day and then I caught a fever and now I passed 1 million page views, I've got over 1,000 awesome NEW followers here on the blog and over 19,000 amazing people on  Facebook who have "Liked" my page.  It's been a pretty fucking awesome week.

But you know me, I've always got something that's irritating me, so here come some mini-punches:

1.  Random strangers who "worry" about my children's childhood.  With all the attention the blog received this week, I was consumed by love from so many people (thank you, thank you).  HOWEVER, there were several detractors out there too (thank you, thank you for giving me inspiration to write this post).

I really touched a nerve with this whole Elf thing and apparently because I don't make snow angels in flour or write notes from the Elf to my children and I bitch about occasionally forgetting to move their elf, my children are suffering greatly and I should probably be investigated.  No one came right out and said, "Call Child Protective Services!" but many "worried" and "felt bad for" my kids.  A lot of people are concerned I do nothing all day but sit in front of the computer, swilling beer and harping on "good" mommies while my children eat their own feces and bang their heads against the wall trying to get my attention.  Someone even suggested I don't like being a mom.

To that person, I'd like to give a very special "Fuck you very much."  Being a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't need to move a goddamned doll around my house to prove that.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to put these other concerns to rest.

I tend to write early in morning (it's 4 am right now and my children are safely sleeping in their beds upstairs - I think) or while my children are at school.  The Hubs and I are both self-employed and work from home so when our children are not at their schools they are home with us (daycare just isn't for me) and if I need to write while my children are here, I have the Hubs to attend to their every whiny need. (Whoops, the worried moms aren't going to like that I called them whiny - but they are sometimes!)  

It is true, I don't believe in making every single waking moment of their precious lives spectacular and wonderful.  (The worried moms got that part right.)  I don't think that's a bad thing and I definitely don't think that makes me a bad mother.  I think that by treating every moment with them like it's a fucking miracle is doing them a disservice down the road and I think it turns them into self-indulgent little nightmares now.

You know what?  This ain't Disneyland and the sooner they realize that, the better.  Some days are just boring and they suck and the sooner my kids realize that and learn how to entertain themselves, the better.  I can't be responsible for all their happiness - some of it has to come from within.  What's going to happen when they're 20 and still looking to me to make them happy?  Right now it's easy, but if I keep raising that bar, by the time they're 20 what can I do for them to make them happy?  It's not funny when a 6 year old throws a temper tantrum because he's bored, what will it be like when a 20 year old pitches a fit because he's bored?

Not to worry, we do make memories as a family.  Just yesterday, I actually put down my beer and pushed my fat ass away from the computer for an hour to take lunch to my kids at school.  It was not a Bento Box filled with organic, homemade food with sandwiches cut into the shapes of dinosaurs or anything like that.  It was a Happy Meal - flame away.

We went and looked at Christmas lights last night after dinner.  Hell, tonight, I took them Christmas caroling in our neighborhood!  Christmas caroling, people!  I wanted to punch myself when we were done - but I did it.  BTW, both kids will remember this night, just in different ways.  The boy had a blast.  He was surrounded by his friends running through the neighborhood like a feral animal singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.  The girl never opened her mouth to sing and after two houses, she begged to go home.  I didn't say every memory we're making is a good one!

We read Harry Potter last night before bed.  (I sure hope someone forwarded my blog to J.K. this week.  If you're reading this - I love you, J.K.!  Call me!)

I read to my kids, I play games (video and board) with them, I talk to them, I make crafts with them, I volunteer at their schools, I cuddle them, I even spoil them occasionally (aren't we all guilty of this?), I dress them like tiny rockstars, they are always well-fed and happy most of the time.  They have a beautiful home to live in that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  They attend award-winning schools and live in a safe community.  They have a social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry.

So, please don't "worry" another second about my children, because it really bugs the shit out of me and this time I was nice, next time I won't be so polite.

2.  Anyone who thought my Holiday Letter was legit.  (It was probably the same people who worry about my kids.)  I just want to be clear here:  my blog is meant to be funny.  It's called sarcasm.  If you can't get sarcasm, then I'm not sure we can be friends.  There seem to be a lot of other blog options out there for you to try.  Google "Cutest Little Blog Award" and see what pops up.  I bet you'll find your kind of people there.

3.  The guy who sat behind me at "Breaking Dawn."  I went to see "Breaking Dawn".  (Yes, I'm a TwiMom - is anyone surprised?)  The movies are absolutely laughable, but I still have to go and see them.  I was totally Team Edward while I was reading the books - Jacob is such a whiny bitch he actually makes Bella seem pleasant.  Once I saw who they cast, I was over Edward.  My dilemma is that Rob is the only actor who is legal, so I can't publicly fawn over Taylor's abs.  I'll just say when I see Jacob standing shirtless in the cold rain, I laugh out loud, but at the same time I appreciate the view.  It's about time a male actor was made to do some gratuitous topless shots.

My friend was going to go with me.  After much wrangling of our schedules and childcare options, we finally found a midday show that would work for both of us.  At the eleventh hour, she was reminded she'd offered to babysit a neighbor's kid and had to back out.  Since I'd already found a babysitter for my daughter and I was in the mindset to see Jake's abs and Edward's blinding lack of abs, I went ahead and went alone.

I thought I'd have the theatre to myself.  Middle of a weekday...teenybopper movie...Boy, was a I mistaken.  Apparently, there is a large number of seniors who are into "Twilight" as well.  TwiFogeys?  The theatre was full of groups of older women and several elderly couples.  I actually stepped out and checked the marquee to make sure I was in the right place.  It was correct.

OK then.

I found a seat and the movie started.  The man behind me wheezed a lot through the movie.  I'm used to noisy distractions in "Twilight" movies, but usually it's caused by teenagers making out and I have go all "mom" them and yell, "Would you please just SHUSH???"  (Yeah, I said, "Shush."  Those are someone's kids, and as much as I'd like to, I just can't say "Shut the fuck up, you half wits, Edward is proposing!!")

I tuned out the wheezing and focused on the horrible makeup job on the vampires.  (The budgets keep getting bigger for these movies, but they can't seem to find a good makeup artist who knows how to blend.  A vampire does not have a pasty face and a tanned (tan-ish in Edward's case) neck and chest.

About halfway through the movie, the man stopped wheezing and coughed.  Not a little cough like cough, cough.  But a COUGH, COUGH.  He coughed so hard my hair moved in his "breeze"!  I thought, Fabulous.  Now I've got typhoid.


Sure enough, that night I was puking my guts out.  Fourteen bucks worth of popcorn absolutely wasted.  Nice job, Typhoid Larry!

4.  Holiday cookie exchanges.  One more thing to worry about during this festive season.  I've actually noticed my invites for cookie exchanges dropped off this year - I don't think I'm making the cut anymore.  I'm OK with that, actually.  There are things I'm good at, but holiday baking is not one of them.  I do not have the patience necessary to decorate adorable sugar cookies or dip cake balls or whip up amazing Snickerdoodles.  Presentation means nothing to me.  I have no problem slapping my slice and bake cookies on a paper plate and calling it done.

I hate bringing home cookies from the cookie exchange.  What if they're horrible?  I know mine are, so chances are someone else's are too.  I'm really picky about who baked the cookies too.  There's always that crazy cat lady who comes and brings Peanut Butter Blossoms.  PBBs are my favorites, but I'm afraid I'll find a cat hair in them.  I did once - this is where my fear comes from.

I'll leave my cookies, but I try not to bring any home.  I'll say I'm trying to watch what I eat or something lame like that.  Then the hostess will say, "Take some to give as gifts!"

Give as gifts?  Do I want that on my record?  Do I really want to give my mailman fur-laced Peanut Butter Blossoms?  Or my kid's teacher chocolate covered hockey pucks?  No, no, no.  It's bad enough that I expect my family to eat these unknown cookies, but I can't give them as gifts!

5.  Pinterest.  Can someone please explain this to me?  I got an account a few months ago when I needed new garage doors.  I was trying to find a design I liked and a friend directed me to Pinterest.  She warned me I'd be on there for "hours."

I bet I haven't spent one hour on Pinterest.  I must be a complete idiot, because I can't figure out how to work the damn thing.  I can re-pin other's finds, but I can't pin my own findings.  People find me and follow me, but I can't seem to follow back.  I can search it and find some cool shit to pin like amazing kitchens and playrooms, but I'm not sure why I'm pinning this stuff since my house looks nothing like these homes and I could never recreate these rooms in my house.  I noticed my blog is on Pinterest and I didn't even know you could "pin" a blog.

I don't get it and I know a lot of you do.  Educate me.  Tell me what I'm missing.

6.  In that same vein is Twitter.  My SIL emailed me yesterday and told me that my blog was all over "The Twitter."  This cracked me up, because I don't even know how to tweet.  I'm a twat?  Ugh.  The Hubs spent a couple hours today figuring out Twitter and getting an account set up for me @Throat_Punch.  Now I've got followers and I don't know what to do/say to them.  I don't know the etiquette of Twitter.  Do you tweet your every movement (bowels included)?  Do you just repost stuff?  What's with the hashtags?

Do I really need to be on Twitter?  What's the point?  Again, tell me what I'm missing.





Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?

So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep fro...