When the Media Speculates That EVERYONE Might Be Pregnant

Last night I was reading the news and a story caught my eye about the dangers of eating too many peanuts when pregnant.  I thought to myself, Phew, I'm glad I'm done having kids, because I LOVE peanut butter.  I still clicked on it, though, thinking it might be interesting to read.  It was not at all what I expected.  It was an article about Prince William, Princess Catherine and two other royals nobody gives a crap about visiting Africa to raise awareness about a famine there (I don't mean to be an asshole, but don't we all know by now there are  famines in Africa and we still don't do a damn thing about it?  Did the royals think they were going to tell us something new?).  They were packing shipments of some peanut-based supplement and all the royals except Kate took a taste.  The article said Kate gave Will a "knowing smile" and passed it by.  This simple act touched off a media explosion of  "Peanuts are bad for pregnant women.  Kate didn't eat the peanut crap.  Is Kate pregnant?"  Seriously??  Why can't Kate just despise peanuts??  How do we know it didn't go down like this:


Wills:  Katie, darling, we have to go Africa and raise awareness around the globe about famine.
Kate: Oh.  OK.  What shall I pack?  Are we going alone?
Wills:  No, I think the Prince of Sweden or Denmark - I can never remember where he's from - he's going.  Oh and his wife - the other commoner princess.
Kate:  You mean the barmaid?
Wills:  Actually, Kate, they just met in a bar.  She didn't work there.
Kate:  I can't believe the media thinks we're anything alike.  My family are bloody millionaires.  We met at an exclusive private university.  She's some Australian he met in a bar called the Slip Inn!  Honestly, that is disgusting.
Wills:  Regardless, there's something more important.  They want us eat some sort of God awful peanut butter paste in front of the cameras.
Kate:  Peanut butter!
Wills:  Yes, I know how you feel about the stuff.
Kate:  Feel about it?  I absolutely abhor peanut butter, William.  Ever since that summer at equestrian camp when Pippa dared me to eat an entire jar and then I threw it all up the next day during my dressage lesson I just can't even stand the smell of it.  Besides, do you know how much fat there is in peanut butter?  I can't.  I just can't.  I can't even fake it.
Wills:  What will you do?  The entire world will be watching.
Kate:  I will politely decline.
Wills:  You know what will happen don't you?
Kate:  What?
Wills:  They'll speculate you're pregnant.
Kate:  What?  How will they get that from me not eating peanut butter paste?
Wills:  You know how it is.  They find signs of pregnancy in everything you do.  If your stomach wrinkles when you sit down, you're faking your pregnancy, if you have a pooch after a big dinner, you're hiding a pregnancy.  If you're too thin, you're stressed because you can't get pregnant.  If you choose not to drink wine with your dinner tonight, you must be pregnant.  If you wear a baggy sweater, you're hiding a pregnancy.  I'm surprised they didn't turn the scar on your head into a pregnancy rumor.
Kate:  Well, don't worry, I'll politely decline it and then the next day I'll go to the shops in Spandex, but I won't wear my wedding band - that always sets them on a tear. And if that doesn't work we can leak that Pippa is pregnant - serves her right for ruining me for peanut butter.
Wills: I love you, Katie, darling.  You're such a media mastermind.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

CRAZY!! Your time in the "craft" room was well spent.

Selena said...

I totally don't understand the peanut thing. When I was pregnant, peanut butter was the one thing I craved and went through a jar every few days. Plus I hate the stupid tabloids and their stupid rumors.

I typically ignore any of the break-up/pregnancy/affair/romance headlines if I don't see it on more than one cover at the same time.

I am glad your blog is letting me comment. For the longest time it wouldn't and I would get mad and have to threaten to punch Blogger in the throat.

Rebecca said...

I think it went exactly like that. ;o)

Laina said...

Peanut allergy anyone?

Kayla said...

i have read several of these articles today and i think i might have just peed my pants a little from trying not to LOL and wake up sleeping baby.

Blogger Meaniepants said...

Laughing so hard...Makes me think of those SNL Royal Family sketches!! Soo why are peanuts bad for PG ladies?

swatkins418 said...

I'm still waiting for Jennifer Aniston to have that damn baby already, she's been pregnant now a thousand times for years!

kfachetti said...

they have found through studies that eating too many peanut products while Prego can cause the baby to have a peanut allergy. that is all I have heard about it regarding pregnancy. I know I ate peanut m&m's nonstop (bought them in bulk) my whole pregnancy with our one son before this study came out. and he has a severe allergy to peanut products. so my guess would be that? I avoid the tabloids I think they are BS. this is seriously funny though, lol

Anonymous said...

absolutely fantastic.
This has made my day.

Amanda I said...

It's like you were there!!

sheshe said...

We have the same issue amongst our friends. We have one friend who I will call Media who waits for you to pass up a beer and then tells everyone you are preggers. Nope, sorry...just STILL carrying around my kangaroo pouch from my now 3 year old. Now pass me a shot.

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