Michelle (The Uterus of Steel) and Jim Bob (Super Sperm) Duggar

Seriously, Michelle and Jim Bob?  Can't you two just keep it in your pants for once?  It was weird and sort of interesting when you had 14 kids, but now you're just reaching carnival freak level.  I think Jim Bob is a controlling Jesus-freak who believes he's a god on Earth lording over his own little Duggar Country.  I can't even find a hint of a person there that I could understand or communicate with, so I'll talk to Michelle.  We're both women, we're both mothers.  I've seen pictures of her before she started perming her hair at home and watching Jim Bob at all times for any sign of displeasure.  She once looked normal and fun and happy, surely we can find common ground.

I just have a couple of questions for Michelle:

1.  Do you wear adult diapers every day? I've only had two kids and let me tell ya, there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I have had trouble getting to the bathroom in time.  My bladder is not as strong as it once was and it degraded exponentially with each child.  I can't imagine what yours must be like.  You must just walk around with full pants all damn day.  If not, then maybe I should rename this post Bladder of Steel.

2.  Do you ever tell Jim Bob you have a headache?  Seriously, woman.  Your hoohaw must be barely recovered from birthing the last baby before Jim Bob comes around again looking for nooky.  Would it kill you to take a night off and give him a bottle of Lubriderm and tell him even God got to rest?

3.  Do you ever get to choose the name of the kids?  I've only watched a couple of episodes and every time you guys were deciding on names for the newest arrival (shocker) and "Daddy," as we all like to call him, was giving everyone a chance to vote, but his vote was supreme.  And that bastard went against the majority and picked his own choice every time.

4.  What's with the "J"s?  I'm assuming it's because Jim Bob is a narcissist.  But let's face it, you are running out of options and at this point, you're just making names up ("Joy-Anna" and "Jinger").  Plus, you've got a lot of variations on the same name:  Joy-Anna, Johannah, Jana.  And really, you went with Jinger before Jennifer?  You still had perfectly good "J" names left, you didn't need to start butchering the "G"s.

5.  Do you have a clause in your contract with TLC that for every kid featured on the show you get more money?  For me, it's the only logical reason to have 20 kids.

6.  Could you tell your silly son to get his own shtick?  I saw him on the Today show yesterday with his two kids (20 months apart!!) with names starting with "M".  Stop that nonsense right now.  I barely want to watch your show, there's no way I'm going to watch a show about him.

7.  Do you worry at all about the world's population and the strain it causes on the natural resources?  Or do you think God will just make the planet bigger to accommodate good Christians who choose not to use birth control?

8.  Do you worry at all about your health or, more importantly, the health of your baby?  That last one should have given you enough of a scare to get a hysterectomy.  That baby barely survived and you barely survived.  You want to live the Little House on the Prairie life well let me tell you, you would have died on the Prairie, Ma, and so would your baby.  Who will take care of your 19 children if you die during childbirth?  Not Jim Bob, that's for damn sure.  That's women's work.  Good thing you have so many daughters.  I guess they can just step in.  They're technically raising most of the other younger kids already, so it won't be too different I guess.

9.  Do you worry about the example you are setting for your daughters?  Are they looking forward to their lives as baby factories and dairy producers?  Not to mention professional homeschoolers and laundresses.  I don't see many other options available for your girls.  I don't see anyone encouraging them to follow their dreams.  I'm sure you've got one or two who dream of being full time mothers to a large brood and that's fine, but I KNOW there has to be at least one trying to figure out how to get out of the hell hole known as Duggar Country.  I know there's at least one daughter dreaming of going to away to college to study something other than Bible Studies, or one thinking of running off to Hollywood or one that just wants a cute little pixie cut!

10.  Why are you so damn ultra competitive when it comes to birthing babies?  Why do you have to push your 45 year old self to have yet another baby?  I think I know. You've got a daughter in law now with two babies just 20 months apart.  She's on your heels.  Do you feel that pressure?  Are you playing the odds?  Hoping Anna will give up after 12 and cry "uncle"?  Hoping Anna's uterus will give out on number 15?  Hoping Anna's 45 year old eggs will be too old and dusty to get the job done?

Chill out, Michelle. Take a break.  Put those feet (and constantly swollen ankles) up and breathe.  You've got this.  You are the winner.  No one (except maybe your own family members) wants to even try to give you a run for your money.  You have the greatest uterus and possibly, bladder, that ever lived, now put it to pasture and call it a day.

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's a uterus, not a clown car.

trocar.trainee

Annette said...

I've been hesitant to join in any conversations on these two freaks because I really have nothing positive to say.

I think they are both selfish bible thumpers who rely on their older children to raise the younger ones.

I see nothing normal about the way their entire family lives. So what if they're debt free...they're exploiting their children with their stupid tv show. I'm no religion freak, but I'm sure their God would have something to say about that.

The "J" names...give it a rest. *eye roll*

As far as her nether regions...it has be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. And Jim Bob is just a creeper. *shudder*

Jen said...

For this post alone I'm now a follower.

Elizabeth said...

You are my new hero!!

Angela said...

I'm with Jen!

Nina Kelley said...

They had a miscarriage.

Audj23 said...

Went to Arkansas. Saw the kids on the side of the road waving some political bull. Nuff said about that

The true question that racks my brain is how jim bob and Michelle have sex. Yeah, I know, why the hell would I even wanna know right?! .. But for real.. Is it like all missionary? Does God approve of doggy style? Or reverse cowgirl? .. I just wanna know what kind of sex crosses the sinful line ..

Grace said...

I am so very glad somebody finally had the [email protected] to say this out loud!

Rev Jason Hilliard said...

If I were guessing, I would suppose that each one of you posting your opinions on here would consider yourself to be an open minded person right? You probably teach your kids tolerance and to not judge others (and rightly so)...

YET, here you stand as judge, jury, and executioner over Jim Bob and Michelle.

Now, I full realize that this post was done in gest (even if there is serious behind it), but let's be frank.

Is it any of our business what they do? Nope. If they can provide for their families, then leave them alone.

As far as population, let's do a little fact checking. Do you realize that you could give every family in the world a 1 acre plot and fit them all into the state of Wyoming? Overpopulation? Fail.

So if you are going to promote tolerance, try practicing what you preach... thanks.

Inspire Portrait & Design said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Inspire Portrait & Design said...

There are less than 63 million acres in Wyoming- and most of the acreage there is not land that could sustain life for a large measure of time. I lived there for 7 years, it is desert land- very arid. To my knowledge the world's population recently surpassed 7 billion. I am going to guess that becoming a 'Rev' was a good choice for you as mathematical genius was obviously not the best path you could take.

Macher~mommy said...

True.. it IS none if our business, until they broadcast the shit on tv, and go on the Today show to plug theirs..

When we watch the show, we are technically supporting/paying them. WE are the reason they are still debt free.

She DID lose this last one, which I hope she takes as a sign to throw in the towel! Don't worry, one of the girls will wash it ;)

My name is Nicole, I didn't want to make an account, but I'm not spineless and hide behind "anonymous"

Jaguwar said...

You know, none of these children will ever bring back that one they lost in the beginning. I think they need counseling.
I have mixed feelings about this family. I think all these children is ridiculous, but I also think it's phenomenal that they can support all of them on their own and give them "kudos" for that. They're a charming family, so far as I can tell, and part of me is a touch jealous about what they've got going on. Maybe that's "only child envy" though, I dunno.

Anyway, it *is* sad that they have since lost baby #20, in the second trimester no less! Think God is trying to tell them something?

Anonymous said...

I enjoy watching the Duggars and try not to think too politically about it all. I just view it as entertainment (while recognizing that they are real people) and so that's how I view this post as well. That said...

I love you. No, really. My favorites: #2, #6. Thank you.

At least two of the girls are involved with the fire department now, I don't have a point but it seemed worth mentioning to give a couple of the girls a little street cred.

Anonymous said...

Oh PS, don't take my username or my two close-in-age-babies the wrong way... I am definitely not the next Michelle!

jeanna said...

i know i will get slammed for commenting, so bring it, but i just have to wonder if there is any remorse about this post following her miscarriage or just pure pleasure. i do enjoy your humor and many of your posts,(esp. the elf on a shelf one b/c i too have an elf on a shelf who can't keep up with most of my friends' elves)but when it comes to life and death issues, i just don't find the humor in making fun of a family that basically has nothing but good to bring to the world. if they were in debt, on govt assistance or abusive, that would be one thing...many parents who have only one child seriously misuse and abuse our resources, so i have to open myself up for criticism and say that i give the duggars props for going against the norm and being graceful even with their critics. and i feel for them right now with their recent loss. even though they have 19, every life is a gift. it has to be painful to lose a baby. i have experienced a miscarriage and it is difficult. that's all. don't watch their show if they bug you.

KPKoze said...

It's none of our business if they choose to keep it to themselves. As soon as they parade it around on TV for money, they get to be judged with the rest of the Jersey Shore, Octomom and the Real Housewives... I'll teach my kids tolerance of those who keep their business to themselves. They can judge TVlanders all they damn well please.

Oh, and my first two are 16 months apart. boo-ya

KPKoze said...

And yes, her loss is very sad. A loss of a wanted child is traumatic whether it's #1 or #20. But it doesn't change that she's parading her reproduction around for all to see. She's going to get talked about regardless of birth or loss. She opened herself up for that in the choices she has made to be public about it.

Myself said...

Thank you, thank you. (By the way, before we get any farther, my name is Jonathan--I don't know why Google is posting this as "Myself."

Anyway, while I respect Michelle's desire to have what we all could consider a "fuck-ton" of children, it's obvious that not only is she not actually raising them herself (she's stated on more than one occasion that her older daughters help with the younger children,) she must be getting SOMEthing out of this (because honestly, I get that she's into the whole "Quiverfull" thing, and peace be unto her if that's her religion because First Amendment and whatevs, but seriously, after her last live birth [Jodie? Josie? Jaden? Whatever the hell--the one born severely premature,] one would think she'd have the good sense to not risk subjecting another child to the medical complications the latest live one is going to face.)

As the cousin of someone who was born at twenty-six weeks and just had her eighteenth birthday yesterday, I can attest that even today babies born severely premature still invariably face a myriad of complications throughout their lives. God may want her to have a thousand children, but God surely doesn't want another baby to suffer. Ultimately what the Duggars are doing is selfish. It's wonderful to be a wife and mother, but it's also wonderful to teach your children there's more to being a woman--nay, a person--than popping out children and taking care of them twenty-four/seven.

In any case, thank you for having the courage to write this, and you have gained my respect! You go girl! :)

Evelyn said...

Many of you could learn a thing or two from this blogger... http://www.therhouse.com/judging-the-duggars/

mbl1477 said...

Hilarious because it is true. Yes, it is sad that she lost the baby and a miscarriage is painful if its your first or 20th. But as soon as they publicly announce they are expecting they are bound to get negative feedback, if they don't want it they should keep the good news to themselves

Camjay said...

It's very sad and tramatic after a miscarriage and a loss of a child is still a loss no matter how many children she has....and its devastating all the same...my prayer are with The Duggars.

Camjay said...

Oh and btw...I have 4 kids and I pee a little when I laugh, cough....sometimes even when I yawn....Yup....no super bladder here!

Melissa said...

I love you Jen, and that you're willing to voice your Honest opinion! I'm gonna follow you now!

For the gal who said at least they aren't abusers or something- They actually are! It's a term called "indirect child abuse" which is used by police, social workers, lawyers, and child services in my state and is punishable by severity. Other states may call it Child Neglect! There is not enough hours in a day to care for that many children, so pairing up the olders with the youngers is making them become preteen and teenage mommies- while the new little infants don't barely get a chance to bond with their real mama. Sounds pretty awful to me! I think TLC is Just securing their ratings because all those kids will need their own therapy shows! Just YOU wait!

Jane Rose Adams said...

@ Melissa: totally agree. There is no quality time when you have that many kids for ANYONE. Let alone the fact that the woman is probably too exhausted or busy incubating another egg to fully engage in life outside of her tv show. I have to admit, I have never once seen an episode because I do think it's a freak show; did we learn nothing from Jon and Kate? When you put your family on tv and invite the world into your bedroom, I'm sorry, but you lose your right to privacy and you open the door to criticism. And when you exploit your family, you pay a price.

Ramona said...

I am a follower for sure. Love your Duggar post pre-miscarriage and still stand by it post. I also love your Over-achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies post. I love your humor and honesty!

THExHOUND said...

@REV JASON HILLIARD,

your opinion doesn't count due to the REV preceding your name. fuck you very much.

and btw, 62,147,200. the number of acres in wyoming.

6.8 billion. the number of people.

so unless each family in the world is like these carnival fucks you, REV. DOUCHE, FAIL.


you can chalk that win up for the atheists.

THExHOUND said...

you people should pay attention to what your government is doing instead of watching this bullshit anyway. acting like brainwashed zombies.

Audj23 said...

People ! Relax.
I believe this blog has nothing to do with the government, or god. It's just about people Jen want to punch in the throat. @rev- you're reading a blog about punching people in throats, if you think it's going to be a loving blog then, frankly this isn't the place for you.
@thexhound- if you'd like to read about politics then do that.
This blog is for having a good laugh. If you don't have a sense of humor then don't read PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH! IN THE THROAT!
It's a funny and humorous place people
People read this stuff in their spare time to have a laugh.
People, lighten up. Go punch some devil throats or political throats if you prefer.

lauren said...

I watch all of the Duggar shows, have read both of their books, and have even met them before. Since I know a lot about them, I can say that they are truly some of the sweetest, most non-judgmental people in the world. They will sit and talk to you like they have all the time in the world. The reason for their show was not for money (they are out of debt because of their frugality and saving), buy for their ministry. They have the most loving, caring, serving children who all respect each other and are selfless. They are extremely intentional and have tons of family time together, unlike a lot of typical American families who are so busy that they are "like ships passing in the night". Studies have shown that bigger families tend to produce more selfless children, which the world needs more of, because they're more in a "everybody work together to get the job done" mentality. Just wanted to show the other side of what you don't get to see if you don't watch them or know them very well.

Erin said...

wow, that was just...ruthless. mean. hoping it was done for satirical purposes, but i sense some underlying true disdain. and ditto on the overpopulation is a myth commentors - they are right. and to comment that her miscarriage might be "God trying to tell her something"? wow - harsh. how does that even make sense? are people here forgetting that God has a hand in conception and that the miracle of pregnancy is not something human beings can be in control of? good thing too, or we'd cause ourselves to become extinct, potentially!

Just A Girl said...

Sad for them about the miscarriage, but so glad you spoke your mind on behalf of so many of us. I don't watch their show as I too think that family is a cultish freak-show. Good for them that they're debt-free; they got in on the Wal-Mart real estate bandwagon early on, as I understand it and good for them. But still, while they say they'll joyfully take as many children as God will give them, God also gave us brains and common sense to know when to stop. Thanks, Jen, for a FUNNY, in-your-face post. LOVE it.

Allison Birdsong said...

I used to dislike the Duggars a LOT. However, after watching a couple seasons of their show I can't help but like them. I tried really hard not to, but alas...I think they are good people who are raising children who will be productive members of society, which is more than I can say for many parents these days.

Kristin Scoggins said...

Kristin here. I don't think I could handle 19 children. I can hardly keep my head above water some days with three. The Duggars seem to do this well. The children are kind, respectful, and unselfish. We all could learn a little from them considering that I seem to run into more spoiled rotten brats these days (mine included). The Duggar children have learned from an early age that the world doesn't revolve around them. That might not be such a bad thing.

That being said, I know your posts are written in gest. I find most of your posts wet-your-pants funny. And I do that well. The third child shot my bladder! You had me from line two of your Elf post. Our elf moves every three days, if we are lucky. I tell the kids he drinks and has a hangover. Hence his unreliability. Bad mom! I know.

Snyder Fam said...

I just want to say I love you jen, I love your blog and right on. As for all the people commenting, most of you seem to totally get the satire of this blog an its refreshing.

Nug's mom said...

@ Rev. Jason...
It's jest as in jester, not gest as in gestation. Just saying.

renee said...

I, too, agree with Jeanna. I THOUGHT you were a hilarious writer who has mastered satire like no other. This particular piece may have started out satiracle but it's obvious you went too far. You bashed her religious views (which, yes, is her reasoning behind no birth control...it's called "Quiver-full".) I may not agree with it but last time I checked this is America. What if Jim Bob was not in the picture and instead the parents were two lesbians who used sperm banks. Double dog dare ya to get on here and make fun of that. But I highly doubt you would. You're so tolerant of everyone, right?

Erik said...

Awesome, thank you for this post. I would also like to punch them. And some of the people who have commented also need to be punched. I never understand why people who are sensitive and get all easily offended even bother with reading this type of funny, sarcastic blog. If you don't enjoy something, you are free to stop reading or following. If a blog is titled people I want to punch in the throat, do you REALLY think it isn't going to be talking shit and possibly offensive in many ways? I mean, come on. Get over yourselves already! Keep it up Jen!

M said...

The isle of capri is an island in italy. so myabe the casino and the child were both named after that. but yes.. i completely agree.

Anonymous said...

I am in love with your blogs....Just love it. This world would be a much better place with more women like you. LOL I am guilty of the name thing and my whole family hates me for it bc when they try to yell for a child they say the all their names before they get it right, then curse me for it. I did not do it purposely for the first 2, but yeah the third I kept the trend. Nathaniel Joel, Nicholas Jordan, and Nolan Jakob. Atleast they have normal names.

Abbie Mcgeek said...

this is the first blog post of yours ihave ever read, and because of it you have a lifetime reader.. i dont think i have laughed so hard in a LONG time.. and.. it was while i was at work... FYI.. laughing when you answer a 911 is bad mojo.. people take that shit badly!!!!

I also have a blog.. not NEAR as entertaining as yours.. but let me know if you are interested..

P & J said...

A friend of mine shared your "Elf on the Shelf" post on facebook this morning, and I've been reading through your blog since then. HILARIOUS!!! This post has turned he in to a forever fan!

I thought I was the only one who ever wanted to punch people in the throat.

Anonymous said...

Love this post! LOVE.

Stephanie said...

I don't really care what people think of the Duggars either way. But the comments about the premature birth and the miscarriage being a sign bother me. should all mothers of preemies not attempt to have more children? As a mother of a preemie it's hurtful to think people would.suggest I don't deserve to have more children.

Anonymous said...

The comments about premature birth and miscarriage are directed at the fact that the reason why she is having these premature births and miscarriages is because she is quickly approaching, like years ago, the age where it becomes more dangerous for women to have children. Yes, I am aware there are 89 year olds in China and 78 year olds in Nauru having babies, but we all know it is not the norm. As she proceeds down the hill, her chances and the baby's chances for complications rise rapidly.

Marian Stimson said...

That is exactly the point I was going to make. It IS abusive. It's crazy cat lady syndrome, only with kids.

Anonymous said...

It's a uterus, not a clown car. was my favorite of all of these - thank you to whomever wrote that, I laughed until tears steamed down my face and I could hardly breathe......

Farah said...

I see nothing normal about the way their entire family lives. So what if they're debt free...they're exploiting their children with their stupid tv show. https://www.carlmontpharmacy.com/fluocinolone.html I'm no religion freak, but I'm sure their God would have something to say about that.

jamal khan said...

what a interesting article, however, I still do not believe the similarities between the two . Thanks for bringing this article,
how can i get pregnant l Find me Lover

Anonymous said...

Do you realize that you could give every family in the world a 1 acre plot and fit them all into the state of Wyoming? Overpopulation? Fail.

No buddy, you don't understand word "overpopulation" correctly! The biological definition of overpopulation is when the natural environment can not sustain a population, then the species is overpopulated. It doesn't matter that you can fit people in Wyoming - the problem is to feed them all and give schooling and healthcare!!!!
And about leaving them alone - I completely disagree!!! Why the hell they are on TV? Those who want to be left alone don't become public figures and role models. They quietly live and procreate without advertising this doubtful way of life!

JuniperSunshine said...

WTH? I'm a homeschooling mom with five kids. Should I be concerned about the example I'm setting for them? You know, raising them, teaching them, and running the household all day? Would I be a better example if I paid other people to teach, cook and clean for me? WTF is wrong with you, Jen? I usally love your stuff, but this one pissed me off. (And no, not all homeschoolers are evangelical Christians who don't teach evolution!)

Ashley BigTopFamily said...

P.S. This post was hilarious.

Ashley BigTopFamily said...

Whoops, I guess my initial comment didn't go through! My comment was only that I myself was one of six kids, and that was a shit show of the plastic poncho variety. So now I have 3 boys, including a set of twins, and I guess I'm just shell-shocked but I always wonder wth when people want more than 3 kids, and if they even have 2 kids - one of each gender - I'm always like what are you smoking that you need to have another kid? And no I don't hate children - I am the type that dotes on even the ones that don't belong to me - but dayyyum, they are a lot of work and require tons of attention. Having more than 2 or 3 increases your chances of screwing at least one of them up. There, I said it.

Anonymous said...

why is there always someone who has to jump to defend people who are foolish enough to broadcast their lives on television? they have put their freak show family on TV for $50k an episode but we are not allowed to have opinions about it? if people do not want to open themselves up to criticism then maybe a reality show is a bad idea. the fact is that michelle & jim bob treat their children like they are property. they have no business telling their adult children where they can and cannot live (jinger wants to live in a city, for example) or how to live their lives. treating their older daughters like servants having them raise their siblings...sorry "buddies" is totally unfair. it is child slavery in my book. there is no way that all of those children get the attention from their parents that they need and deserve...their actual parents not their siblings. none of those children have ever been encouraged to think for themselves, find out who they are or have any dreams outside of dreaming to grow up to be just like mommy and daddy. to deny them their right to choose their own path in life is just plain cruel. they are all brainwashed with one of the most damaging religious cults out there. these fundamentalists who pick and choose nonsense from the old testament in order to make their own lives as miserable as possible border on mentally ill. imagine if all 20 of these kids decide to "trust the lord" with their family planning. if they each do what their mother did jim boob and michelle will end up with hundreds of grandchildren. just imagine family holidays and get togethers. "oh hey there grandchild, what's yer name again?" i've unfortunately seen the newest episodes with that little jessa brat and her now fiancee, ben. Jen, go check out jessa's wedding registry. it will certainly make you want to throat punch her. such a self-entitled little brat!

Anonymous said...

the fact that her uterus has not fallen out is a miracle in itself. they claim they are open to adoption. what adoption agency with any credibility would give them a child? i shudder thinking about it.

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