BMI Grade Cards at School

Today I read about something that made me feel sick to my stomach.

Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.

Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.

Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.

It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.

Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.

I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"

They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"

I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.

I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.

Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.

I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:

Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures

Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.

Schools: heal thyself.

I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.

Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.

And then what will the solution be for that?

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We Can Do Better

There is a sappy post making the rounds and I've been trying so hard NOT to comment. I've been holding in my eye rolls and my loud sighs. I've been clutching my own pearls and saying, "Do not engage, Jen."

But tonight, I'm engaging. I just can't stay silent. It's just too much.

I'm sure you've seen the post. It's called FYI (if you're a teenage girl). It's written by a mother of three boys and a daughter. She's writing to the young ladies in her teenage boys' lives. I'll let you read it if you're one of the few who hasn't seen it yet and then come back.

You're back? So what did you think? 

The first time I read it, I thought, Blech. Another touchy feely dear son(s) post. 

But this one was different. I read it again. It kept nagging at me. 

Let's just get past the whole heavy handed I'm the world's greatest mom because we read Facebook together and the weirdness that she shamed girls for posting inappropriate pictures and yet she included topless photos of her young sons frolicking on the beach and flexing their muscles (AKA the boy "duck face"). She's since apologized and changed the pictures and reposted the whole thing. I'm not sure why she didn't just change the pics on the original post, but it doesn't matter now. I'm sure all of the hos at school are happy she left the original ab shots.

The pictures didn't bug me that much. What bugged me was that this post isn't really about her sons. It's really about the trashy little whores who keep throwing themselves at her precious snowflakes and insisting on sending half naked pictures to them. I can just imagine the whole Hall clan sitting around the dining room table scrolling through the computer together while the boys yell, My eyes, Mama, my eyes! Make her stop!

Now, let me just say right here, there are some things that she does that I like.

I like that she goes through her kids' social media with them. I've been very vocal about that. I will do that with Gomer and Adolpha. (I'm not sure we'll do it family- meetin' style around the dining room table, but it will get done.) I know there will be some things I'll never see, but I hope to find most of the dirt they're hiding. I also don't like the idea of little girls emailing provocative pictures to my sweet Gomer. I also think that young girls are way too sexualized and should knock that shit off and I'm already dreading the day I find a picture of Adolpha duck facing (and please let that be the worst picture I find). I've been accused of slut shaming before. I just do it better than Mrs. Hall. 

The difference is, I intend to teach my daughter to not send ridiculous selfies with accidental nip slips while at the SAME TIME, I intend to teach my son not to be a fucking creeper. 

"Boys, don't be jackholes. I don't care what a girl looks like or what she's wearing. I raised you better than that. Find something else to do rather than ogle her." That's all Mrs. Hall had to say and I would have let it go. 

I think this post is highly offensive to young girls and especially any young girl who found herself blocked today by "The Hall Boys" (who when you say it like that sounds like a new ABC Family hit show) because of their smuttiness. What Mrs. Hall wrote was a slut-shaming post wrapped up in a sweet "Bless your heart, you little tramp" bow. 

However, I think this post is even more offensive to the young men of the world, and especially The Hall Boys.

Because when I read this post, encouraging young women to cover up and stop tempting the boys all I could think was Can't your boys keep it zipped up, Mrs. Hall? 

Seriously, when did teenage boys become so victimized? I had no idea. Is there a telethon I can donate to? Because apparently teenage boys are nothing but brainless blobs with erections who can't control themselves so they explode in their pants every time they see a girls' tight ass in a nighty. I didn't realize that teenage boys are like zombies, stumbling around looking for the next hot beef injection instead of braaaaiiiiins. 

No, no, no! Boys cannot get off this easy. Moms of boys cannot get off this easy. We can't just put the blame on the girls and say, "Stop skanking around my precious innocent boy!" When we tell girls to cover up because boys can't handle themselves, there is something wrong.

Instead of always teaching our girls to cover up, why can't we teach our boys to treat girls with respect and to see them as human beings and not just as sexual objects? I know that's what I intend to do.

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Stacey Dean Rambold and The Dishonorable Judge G. Todd Baugh

Have you heard about the Montana teacher who raped his student (which probably led to her suicide) and then got a 30 DAY sentence?

Yeah, that happened this week.

Let me bring you up to speed: A 49-year-old teacher, Stacey Dean Rambold, had a sexual relationship with his 14-year-old student. According to him it was "consensual." Whatever. She was fourteen! He was forty-nine! In my book, that situation can never be "consensual." That's rape. That's manipulation. That's disgusting.

Obviously this young girl was troubled and needed professional help. Obviously her behavior was a cry for attention and an effort to get someone to notice her and help her. Instead, she found a predator who took advantage of her and used her. 

Stacey Dean Rambold is the worst kind of human being. He's a teacher who is supposed to HELP kids like this girl, not rape them!! He can cry "consensual" all he wants, but I don't care if she stood naked in front of him, he should have kept it in his damn pants and called her parents! There is no way a 14-year-old girl in her right mind would choose to have sex with a skeezy 49-year-old. This guy is a pervert and a child molester. 

The school found out that they were having sex and Mr. Rambold resigned. I find this part interesting too. He "resigned." Really? The school couldn't fire his ass before he had the chance to resign?? 

If it wasn't already bad enough, after charges were filed against the guy his victim killed herself. Yes, this young girl committed suicide just before she turned seventeen. Can you tell me this wasn't related to her treatment by Mr. Rambold?   

Then, just when you think things couldn't possibly worse, Judge G. Todd Baugh reduced Mr. Rambold's sentence to 30 days. THIRTY DAYS!!!

The defense had asked for 20 years and the judge sentenced Rambold to 15 years in prison, but then decided 30 days was plenty. He really thought 31 was good, but gave him credit for the one day he'd already spent in jail. That is absolute insanity!!

The judge felt that the girl was "chronologically older than her years." Whatever the fuck that means. 

He also said that although this was "rape" it wasn't the "violent, horrible rape" you typically think of. 

Are you kidding me? The girl killed herself because the experience was so violent and horrible. She might not have had physical marks, but that doesn't make her less of a victim.

I watched a video clip of Dr. Drew Pinsky commenting on this story. 

Dr. Drew Pinsky said, “There’s a reason we have laws in place protecting young people. Their brain development isn’t such that they can render consent for something like sex. And for a judge to say that a 14-year-old to consent to this  … It is outlandish in a way that I cannot describe.” 

“There’s no such thing as someone being older than her chronological age who can magically have a brain of a 21-year-old,” Pinsky continued. “She may have behaved in a way that was inappropriate, but guess what? That’s a sign of mental illness. Those are the people we need to protect the most.”

I watched the clip where he said this and I could see his rage and his anger boiling just under the surface. I could see him fighting to say everything he wanted to say, but couldn't because the FCC regulates news programs.

Well, Dr. Drew, allow me:

Motherfuckersonofabitchareyoufuckingkiddingme??!! 

Stacey Dean Rambold is the worst kind of human being and an idiot of a judge gave him 30 days when really he should have gone medieval on his ass. The words castrated, drawn and quartered come to mind readily. This man is a predator who stalks children and preys on the weaknesses of others. 

And what about the judge, G. Todd Baugh? Can you believe that?

What is wrong with this judge? How can he ever begin to think that sentence is fair? How can he possibly explain how this punishment even remotely fits the crime?

Apology NOT accepted

He can't. Nothing he could say would make me understand. This isn't the first time he's made an objectionable ruling. I don't know what he's thinking. His ruling is actually worse than the actions of Rambold.

Can you imagine being the mother of the dead girl? First you find out that a teacher has molested your daughter, then your daughter kills herself and so you think, Well, at least justice will be served. At least this guy will pay for his actions and then you hear the sentence?

That poor mother can't even get justice for her dead daughter. She's been denied any sense of peace she might find in knowing that her daughter's rapist will be locked up for 15 years. Instead, he received a slap on the hand (barely) and will be out in the world in a month.

That is so infuriating.

This judge (who has since apologized for his word choice, but not his sentence) is someone who makes me want to scream. This is just another example of old men thinking they understand women and rape. I do not need a bruise under my eye to show that I've been violated, you dumb son of a bitch. A 14-year-old girl who dresses and behaves in a mature manner is not in a consensual sexual relationship with her teacher, she's a victim and she needs help. This isn't a couple of high school kids getting it on under the bleachers during study hall. This is a TEACHER who gained this young girl's trust and then abused her at his leisure.

Cases like these make me lose faith in our justice system. We're better than this.

If you're as mad as I am, you might like to sign this petition asking Judge G. Todd Baugh to resign.

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Miley Cyrus and Her Foam Finger

I didn't watch the MTV Awards last night. I'm a forty plus woman living in suburbia. I'm not really their demographic. However, I didn't have to watch the show in order to know that Miley Cyrus skanked it up pretty good. (Don't even bother leaving me a comment about how I'm slut shaming, I honestly don't care. I stand by my calling her a skank.)

After being alerted by the Internet that Miley had done something HORRIBLE and I needed to stop everything I was doing and watch right now, I watched the video of her bizarre dance with teddy bears. I thought to myself, OK, that's really weird, but what do I know? Plus, what's the deal with the tongue? Is that hot? And I have to mention those giant teddy bears again. What gives? Is she a furvert now?

And then, I watched her strip down to flesh colored undies and then bend over for that douche Robin Thicke (don't even get me started on why I can't stand him, but he looked like a dirty old man last night - and a little bit like Beetlejuice).

When Miley wasn't sticking her ass in Robin's crotch, she was fondling herself with a large foam finger.

OK, seriously, WTF, Miley? Are you high? Are you drunk? Are you an idiot? Which one?

After watching her make a total ass of herself I went looking for her parents, Tish and Billy Ray, because I pretty much blame them for unleashing Miley on the world. Lucky for me, my kids were too young to get hooked on Hannah Montana, but I saw enough of the shitty clothes on everyone else's kid that I instantly hated her and her parents. We all know, her parents are the ones to really blame. Let's face it, that child did not wake up one morning and say, "Daddy, give me the keys to your truck, because I'm going to go and make an album." Someone had to drive her to the studio and someone had to convince the powers that be that Miley could be a hit. Someone had to let her pose in a sheet when she was 15. I'm looking at you, Billy Ray. When your mullet was too much for us to bear, you turned your attentions on your little girl so you could live vicariously through her and you ruined it for the rest of us.

So of course she's acting this at 20 years old.

I'm also completely confused by her "engagement." Really? I saw Liam Hemsworth on a talk show the other day and he seemed so normal. Sure, he was a little boring, but not insane. I fully expected Miley's fiance to be insane. Who else would put up with her ridiculous shit? What did he say to her after last night's performance? "You looked, hot, babe. Bring that foam finger home tonight - oh, and a bear suit."?? How could he look her in the eye after that and say, "You did good."??

I'm not surprised she did it, I'm just disappointed. I always have such high hopes for the young women in Hollywood. I always hope that they don't self destruct in front of millions. I'm not a terrible person, I really feel bad for these girls. I once rooted for Lindsay Lohan too, but there's only so much that you can put up with.

It's going to sound weird, but I feel like Miley has hit that point that my eight-year-old has hit. When he was four and five and six he could get away with stupid, outrageous behavior because he was still young and cute and naive. Now at eight, he's lost his baby face and his adorable toothless smile that he used to flash when he wanted to get away with murder. Now that he's eight, he gets the whole, "You know better. You're too old to act like that!" I feel the same way about Miley. When she posed in a sheet at 15 I could convince myself that she was duped and taken advantage of. Now that she's 20, her shit isn't cute anymore, it's just embarrassing and tired.

You know it's too much when the Will Smith clan looks at you like this:

Source: Twitter

Their son is dating a Kardashian and they think Miley is outrageous!

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The Neighbor Who Wants to Euthanize the Autistic Boy Down the Street

Are you sitting down? Because this one is a doozy.

So there is this bitch in Canada who lives near an older lady who takes care of her grandson in the summer time. The grandson is severely autistic and spends a lot of his time outside.

The bitchy neighbor can't stand listening to the autistic grandson make noises outside and so she took it upon herself to write an anonymous letter to the grandmother with some helpful suggestions of how to deal with the boy. Such as: take him to park, move away, and (this one is the doozy) euthanize him.

Yeah. This soulless cunt suggested the boy be killed. As in dead. As in murder this child because he's too noisy and annoying.

But just in case you think the bitch isn't caring, before his death she would like to harvest his "non retarded (her words, not mine) body parts" and donate them to science because "what the hell else good is he to anyone?" Here is a link where you can see the whole disgusting letter.

My head is spinning after reading this fucked up tirade. Are you kidding me? Can you believe that? Can you believe that there is someone out there who is so fucking ignorant and horrid? This world is full of so many fucked up people. I get emails from people asking me why I'm so angry all of the time. It's people like this woman who make me angry all the time. Just knowing this woman is out there spouting her awful bullshit makes me furious. 

I don't have a child with special needs, but if I did and I received this letter, I would probably burn down my neighborhood. That's how angry I am right now.

I just find it so disgusting and appalling that anyone would write this letter. What the fuck is wrong with people that they would actually suggest a child be euthanized?? I can only hope that this woman is too stupid to actually know what that word means. 

This letter was signed by "One pissed off mother." No! She cannot call herself that. I am a pissed off mother at times. You are a pissed off mother at times. But we pissed off mothers would NEVER EVER EVER suggest someone euthanize their child. 

I feel terrible for the family who received this typewritten letter. I can't imagine how upsetting it must have been. The good news is, the police are taking these threats very seriously and are looking for the writer.

I'm not sure what will happen to her when they find her. (And you know they'll find her. It won't take long. This woman is not that bright.) You know me, I would never condone violence, but I wouldn't cry outrage if she "accidentally" got her arm broken when they were processing her finger prints or if she was "accidentally" left in a holding cell with some mothers of autistic children who just happened to get "accidentally" locked in there too. My guess is those mothers would be happy to harvest her body parts for science.

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For My Friend Courtney

WARNING: This is NOT a funny post. I am not in a funny mood tonight. I am sad and angry and frustrated. If you're not interested in that, then check back another day. If you don't mind listening to me cry a little, then read on.

Yesterday I changed my profile picture to this:

I did this in honor of my friend Courtney who blogs at Our Small Moments.

This week Courtney had to endure the untimely loss of Scott - her best friend, her soul mate, her husband, the father of her young children - to cancer. He was just 34 years old.

This week Courtney became a widow and a single mother in the blink of an eye.

Courtney is one of the kindest and strongest people I have ever known. While Scott had his treatments far from home, Courtney had to continue working full time and caring for their children. Never once did Courtney's optimism waver. She was Scott's most faithful supporter and Scott tried so hard to recover for his family. Although their time together was short, the love they shared was amazing and inspiring.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I have never met Courtney in real life. We are "bloggy friends" and yet I feel closer to Courtney than some people I see all the time. We were both lucky enough to find ourselves included in a group of generous women who support one another through the highs and lows in our lives - online and off. Besides blogging, we've been there for one another through pregnancies, new babies, house sales, illness, and loss. We have weathered Scott's illness together.

We're scattered across the country and we've tried our best to be there for Courtney as much as we can. But all we want tonight is to be with Courtney. To hug her and hold her hand and cry with her. We want to hug her sweet little children and tell them it's going to be alright. But we can't. Because we're just so damn far away.

Ever since we heard the news, we've been putting ourselves in Courtney's place. We've been asking ourselves, "Can you imagine the sadness, the fear, the anger, and the heartache Courtney must be feeling now?"

Can you?

I can't even guess and yet I'm sitting here crying as I write this because that's all I can think about. I think about her kids who are so close in age to mine and I think about Courtney trying to explain to them why their dad is no longer with them. Why he can't be at another soccer game or ballet recital. Why he'll never tuck them into bed again. I think about Courtney and how she must go on alone now, without her best friend by her side. I think about how empty Courtney's bed must feel without Scott beside her. How quiet her house must be without his company. I think about the overwhelming tasks that she must accomplish in the next few days. It would be all I could do not to curl into a ball and try to escape.

We felt so useless and powerless to help our friend. Our group went back and forth with ideas to help Courtney (send her meals, send flowers, etc.) and then we heard about a real need she has. Something we could actually help her with. A burden we could actually lift no matter where we were.

As you know, cancer isn't cheap. Scott battled cancer for almost a year and the bills have mounted very high. Courtney is a single mom now with one salary. We know that many of her friends and family who live close by will take care of food and help her with her children and will be there to listen, but those medical bills will loom over her for months or years even. We realized that we were in the perfect position to help her alleviate those bills.

That's why we started a fundraiser at Give Forward. All of the money we raise will go to pay the medical bills that were accrued during Scott's illness. We're sharing it with our readers, because we know that many of you have been touched by cancer and by loss and you know exactly how Courtney is feeling tonight.

We would hope that you would feel moved to help Courtney and her children. Help her sleep better at night knowing that the medical bills aren't closing in on her. It doesn't have to be a big donation, every little bit counts and is so appreciated. And if you're in a position where you can't donate we understand. Courtney is a praying person and I know she'd be grateful for a prayer for her and her beautiful children.

If you'd like to help Courtney and her children, please click here.

I Suck at Back to School

My kids are going back to school this week (!!!) and it's time for back to school shopping.

There is a service the PTO provides where you can pay and have the supplies delivered to the school in time for the first day, but I am not one of those moms who dread the back to school shopping. I actually enjoy it. I love cracking open a new pack of 50 cent markers or sharpening pencils or stocking up on more glue than a preschooler could use (or eat) in a year.

Of course, I get a little frustrated (OK, pissed as hell) when the list calls for the large glue sticks and the small ones are on sale or when I can't figure out the difference between a poly folder or a plastic folder. But when I get a little anxious I just throw a couple more large pink bevel erasers into the cart (you can never have too many large pink bevel erasers in the house) and it's like Xanax for me.

Mmmmm. I can feel my anxiety dropping just looking at these beauties.

I like to shop at the discounters (Wal-Mart and Target) for school supplies rather than the high-enders (Staples and Office Max) but you gotta move fast, because they get picked over faster.

I knew I'd be out of town the last few weeks and I was worried all the "good" stuff would be gone before I got back. I thought I'd go ahead and get the shopping done before I left. I'm never this on top of things. I'm always the mom looking for tropical colors markers the night before school starts. (There's always classic colors left, but no tropical colors.)

So when my kids and I ducked into Wal-Mart so I could pick up some gummy bears (only Haribo will do) for my plane ride and we were met at the door by the display with all of the local schools' shopping lists, I decided to be the "organized mom." I grabbed the list and started throwing discounted crayons into my cart with wild abandon.

After about five minutes of power shopping Adolpha realized that I was buying the supplies for Kindergarten and second grade! Durrr. We did those grades LAST year! I shook my rattled brain and emptied out the "baby" school supplies and got started again. Phew! That was close. I almost messed up. Organized mom almost became goof up mom!

Now that I was on the correct grade, I noticed that the first grade list seemed fairly normal, but there were a few odd ones. Remember, we did first grade a couple of years ago. I don't have a terrific memory, but there were a few things that seemed new to me. For instance, each child was required to bring a 2-pack of Expo dry erase markers in BLUE. The blue was capitalized like the teachers meant business and no substitutions would be accepted. The kids and I scoured the aisles, but could only find 2-packs in BLACK. The blue ones were included in a (not on sale) multi-pack with an eraser. Grrr. I decided to save that one for the high-ender stores (the Hubs was insisting on making a run to whichever one was offering backpacks for a penny - because apparently it's back to school time for him too and he needs a new backpack). Maybe they would have blue 2-packs.

Another thing I noticed was Band-Aids. Preferably Band-Aid brand, but most definitely latex-free. What the what? Am I outfitting the nurse's office now too? Calm down, I mumbled to myself. Maybe the teachers have decided they need Band-Aids in their rooms because they were sending kids down to the nurse too often for ridiculous shit. (You know I know all about that!) If a package of Band-Aids encourages more learning time then I'm for it. I threw in two packs of latex-free Band-Aids (both kids had them on their lists). But just the basic ones. No fancy characters or shapes and sizes. There's no need for that nonsense.

I got most of the stuff on Adolpha's list and then focused on Gomer's.

He's a third grader this year and shit's about to get real now. Sure, he still needed crayons and washable markers, but now he needed "big kid" supplies too. Like highlighters and red pens and loose leaf paper. I searched high and low for a good 20 minutes for index cards - LINED. Of course I could only find UN-lined index cards. The item on his list that really stymied me was: "two black felt-tipped markers - NOT Sharpies."

Hmmm ... I started searching. I could find red felt tipped markers, orange felt tipped markers, but no black. I could find a ton of Sharpies, but the teacher was pretty insistent on her feelings about Sharpie. Son of a bitch. I'd have to get those when I got the blue Expo 2-pack (which he also needed).

He needed a crap ton of colored 2-pocket, no prong, poly folders: red, blue, yellow, green, purple, and orange.

I did mention that I go to the discounter stores, right? They've got a lot of red, blue and green, but they don't get too many of the fancy colors. I dug around in the Trapper Keeper section and found a discarded yellow that someone had obviously hidden to come back for later (see ya, sucker), but purple and orange were really giving me a hard time.

I added those to my Staples list.

I made a run to Staples and bought an over priced purple folder (still couldn't find orange) and said "screw it" while I purchased black Expo markers (sorry teacher, I tried).

I got home and dumped all of my bags in the front hall with a huge sigh of relief and I went on my trip feeling like a super duper organized mom who gets shit done (except for that pesky orange folder). I was proud of myself for not waiting until the last minute when there's nothing left except protractors and rubber bands.

Last night I was in Target and I saw an orange folder. It was right beside Target's display of school supply lists. I grabbed a copy to check and see if there was anything besides the orange folder that I was missing. I noticed the list was different than the one I had grabbed at Wal-Mart. It wasn't nearly as long or as demanding - no black NON-SHARPIE felt tipped pens or LINED index cards or BLUE Expo markers.

How strange, I thought. Target is going to be in trouble, because they screwed up the list.

Don't ask me why I assumed Wal-Mart's list was correct and Target's wasn't. Probably because Wal-Mart's seemed so authoritative.

This morning I pulled out both lists and the bags of supplies so that the kids and I could go through and make sure we had everything since obviously there was some weird snafu with the two lists.

I was about half way through the Wal-Mart list when I saw the name of the school on the top of the paper.

I won't tell you the name of my kids school or this school, but let's just pretend my kids' school is called Woodland Elementary. The name at the top of the paper in my hand? Woodside Elementary. Are you fucking kidding me??

Yeah. I bought everything on the WRONG list. I drove all over town and killed myself looking for BLUE Expo markers and orange folders and my kids didn't need any of it. I'm an idiot.

Guess what is not on the Woodland Elementary school list? A purple folder or blue Expos or Band Aids or any of the other crazy stuff that I've been looking for.

Guess what I get to do today? If you guessed return a bunch of crap that I don't need you'd be right.

This will teach me for trying to be an organized mom who can multi-task and get ahead. I'll never make that mistake again. Next year, the night before school you'll find me pawing through the discarded glue sticks and tape dispensers offering to sell a kidney for the last green spiral notebook.

By the way, Gomer still needs a yellow plastic folder with two pockets and prongs. If you see one let me know, OK?

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