How Best to Control Your Kids

No children were harmed during this photoshoot

Guest post from the Hubs AKA "The Law" about his "Forceful" parenting style.

Lots of parents wonder why my kids are so well behaved and get 100's on their spelling tests.  Well, I thought I share my secrets to raising great kids.  I have seen those other asshat parents all over the media about how to control their kids.  Tiger mom, Wolf dad and the new entry Pistol Packing Papa. They go to such extremes to control their kids.  In reality, it is not so hard to control them and get them to do what you want.

Two simple words: Bribery and Blackmail.  Yes, I did say bribery and blackmail.  Let me explain myself before everyone tells me I am a bad dad and that my children are having a terrible childhood.

The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese

Well, as long as parents like these exist, I don't need to worry about getting the World's Worst Parenting Award.  WTF, people?  Seriously?  Two kids in one week left at Chuck E. Cheese?!

I can almost get how this could happen.  Chuck E. Cheese is mind-numbing and being trapped there for several hours could have the same effect on you as waterboarding or other various forms of torture.  You come out of your stupor and find yourself curled in the fetal position in a booth behind the Whack-a-Mole.  You glance at your watch and realize the joint is closing in 10 minutes and there's no way in hell you're going to spend the night!  You grab your kid and stumble out.  It isn't until hours later that your ears stop ringing and you gain some clarity and realize, Oh shit!  I took 2 kids to Chuck E. Cheese's and only came home with one!!


Only it didn't happen this way.  Instead, one family took their 5 year old to CEC to celebrate her birthday and forgot her.  The family has 10 kids and so the birthday girl wasn't missed until the next morning when it was time for school.

Where do I begin with this?  It was her birthday and nobody missed her until the next day?  Nobody thought, I want give Little Birthday Girl one more kiss and wish her one more Happy Birthday before I tuck her into bed??  I can't tell you how sad this makes me.

I am not the perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but if I'm home I tuck my kids into bed.  If I'm at work when they go to bed, I kiss them after I get home and they're asleep.  Does no one tuck Little Birthday Girl into bed??  For some reason this upsets me more than the fact they left her behind.  I can understand that in the hubbub of getting everyone out the door you think Auntie or Grandma has Little Birthday Girl in her car and you accidentally forget her.  But you forget her until morning???  Poor Little Birthday Girl.

I get that they have a big family and it can be easy to lose someone, but don't big families use the buddy system or something?  Don't big families learn from the Waltons to always do a roll call at the end of each night?  Good night, Mary Ellen.  Good night, Elizabeth.  Good night, Jim Bob.  Good night, John Boy.  Good night, Little Birthday Girl.  Little Birthday Girl?  Has anyone seen Little Birthday Girl?  OH MY GOD!  We left her at Chuck E. Cheese!!!


The second family that left their child at Chuck E. Cheese this week didn't realize she was missing until they watched the nightly news and saw her face on television.  This one amazes me more than the big family one.  I imagine the big family parents are busy, busy, busy with all their kids and their night time routines and everyone looks the same and they're moving so fast no one can really get an accurate count of how many are there.  I imagine it wasn't like that at the second girl's home.  I imagine this girl's family sitting on the couch, relaxing with a cold drink and seeing her picture on the news.  I imagine her mother spitting her cold drink all over the TV when her daughter's picture comes up.

The parents of this little girl share custody of her and they were both at the party, but they assumed she went home with a relative.  Ummm....wouldn't you double check that?  (I'm guessing they will next time.)

I have a large extended family and my kids love to ride in grandma's car or their aunt's car.  The difference is, my family comes to me and says, "Gomer wants to go with me.  You OK with that?"  They would never just take my kids without telling me and I would never assume they had my kids when I got home and I didn't.

It's ironic, because I hate to go to CEC and one of the reasons (besides the obvious exposure to Black Plague) is that I'm always worried my kids will get snatched by some creepy pedophile.  I worry, because it's literally impossible to keep my eye on both of my kids in that place since they run off in different directions.  I worry that they'll think I've left them there and so they'll leave the building to see if my car is still in the parking lot and they get run over.  (Yes, it's difficult for me to sleep at night with all this insane worrying.  These are just my CEC worries - now you see why I'm not crazy about the beach!)  However, these two stories showed me that CEC might be one of the safest places for my kids.  These little girls were left on their own and no one barely noticed them, let alone tried to snatch them.  Maybe I've been too hard on CEC.  Maybe I could use CEC like a cheap drop in babysitting place.  I could give my kids a roll of tokens and tell them I'll see them in 3 hours?


Don't miss my newest blog post over at Babble.com - Am I a Bully?

Botox mommy

Re-posted from archives.

By now you've probably heard all about Kerry Campbell, the mom who gives Botox to her 8 year old daughter because she has "wrinkles" and needs to stay ultra competitive in the high stakes world of children's beauty pageants.  WTF is wrong with this woman?

You know how I feel about the pageant kids and parents who name their kids Britney and parents who let their kids call all the shots, so it's probably no surprise this dumbass is getting the punch today.

So let's break this down.  Britney is competing in beauty pageants and realizes that she isn't winning because she has wrinkles?  (BTW, those are called dimples, sweetie, and you're supposed to have them.)  She complains to Kerry and tells her she doesn't look pretty with all these wrinkles.  Does Kerry tell her she's beautiful and she shouldn't worry so much about her looks and rather should focus on being a kind person who BEHAVES beautifully?  Does Kerry tell her that obviously the pageant world is affecting Britney's self esteem and maybe she should take a break and focus on being a little girl where her biggest worry should be if she should play with Rainbow Dash or her dollhouse today?

Nope.  Not at all.

Instead, Kerry laments to the other moms that she needs a secret weapon of some kind and the more seasoned pageant moms suggest Botox.  Kerry thinks to herself, Of course!  Botox!  Why didn't I think of that?  It's perfect for an 8 year old with borderline low self esteem who is already demanding a boob job and a nose job!  Let's do it!  And while we're at it, let's put hot wax on her body and rip all that unsightly hair out by its roots - it's so unladylike!  

I don't know who is more to blame here - Kerry or Britney.

Kerry is SUPPOSED to be the parent.  She is SUPPOSED to be voice of reason.  She turns around and blames it all on Britney.  "Well, Britney, wanted to do it."  Blah, blah, blah.  Of course Britney wanted to do it!  She's a spoiled rotten brat who obviously gets whatever she wants.

Kids want to do (and own) all kinds of asinine things and it's the parent's job to say NOOOOOO, over my dead body will you inject botulism into your face.  NOOOO, a four year old girl does not need Sketchers Shape Ups that tone and firm your butt and thighs!  (Yup, my kid wants those.)  NOOOO, a six year old boy does not need his own iTouch.  (Yup, the other one wants that.)

My other question is where the hell does Kerry get her stash of Botox and is she legally able to administer it??  I always thought you had to be doctor or a nurse supervised by a doctor to inject someone.  Who is supplying her and who trained her?  This stuff is dangerous if done improperly and for some reason I don't think Kerry is qualified to inject a monkey, let alone a human being.

Do you remember growing up when your mother would say "If so and so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"  Now I feel like asking PARENTS "Hey Mom, if Amaryllis jumps off a bridge, does that mean Jaxon should too?  It sounds a bit dangerous don't you think?"

People like this should not be allowed to reproduce.  You have to jump through more hoops to adopt a damn dog than you do to have a kid.  There should be some kind of idiot test you must take before you're allowed to get pregnant.  Kerry would have failed.

It's Botox and body waxing now.  What will it be when my daughter is eight?  Clitoris and nipple piercings?  A skull tattoo inked on my son's scrawny bicep?  You think I'm joking, but just you wait.  The Shape Ups and iTouch will seem quaint.

PS. If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012?  I would really appreciate it!  I don't need to be Number 1, the Top 25 is good enough for me.  No need to be an over achiever!