Even When the SHTF Men Have it Easier Than Women

Every woman, "I can't wear that thing, it will ruin my hair!"
Source: Pexels

I've noticed that with the climate right now there is a lot of disaster-preparedness going on. I'm in a bunch of private groups on Facebook where the discussion revolves around what to take when the shit hits the fan (SHTF for the pros out there), either man-made or natural disaster, and you've got to move out quickly.

Since I'm a bit of a worrier (and I have a shopping addiction) I decided that maybe we needed to be prepared. After all, we do live in Kansas and we're known for volatile weather. I started doing some prepping--not real prepping, mind you, I'll still be eaten by the first wave of zombies, I'm a suburban veal--and I quickly discovered that prepping for a disaster is a lot like packing for a horrible trip that no one wants to go on. I also discovered that even when the SHTF the men will still have it easier.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. I have to pack everything for everyone. I mean, the Hubs says he'll help, but that really means he'll just gas up the van. I'm the one who will make sure everyone has their own flashlight, hand crank radio, extra batteries, First Aid kit, multi-tool, flint, rain poncho, balaclava, granola bars, water, mylar blankets, etc., etc., etc.

2. And it won't just be me and the kids I'm packing for. I'll have to pack The Hubs' bag, too, because we all know he'll throw a sweatshirt and a clean pair of undies into a plastic Target bag and call it good, but when it's time to suck water out of a dirty puddle he'll be like, "Can I borrow your Life Straw, Jen?"

3. I have to find all the papers. I already got everyone new passports (I'm the one who took the kids to get the photos done, filled out the paperwork, took them to the Post Office, forgot their birth certificates at home, had to drive home again and then back to the Post Office with the birth certificates in hand, waited on line AGAIN, and paid for it, because yeah, I was even the one who had to write the bloody check from our joint bank account), but now I've got to dig up everyone's social security cards, birth certificates, immunization records, wills, bank records, maps, and more. I'm the one who will need to file all of this important information into a special waterproof pouch that I can carry on my person at all times.

4. I'll have to go to the bank to get cash, because the Hubs never has any cash on him and he has no idea where his debit card is. Now some preppers will tell you that you need your money in silver or gold coins, but that just sounds heavy. I'm already a fucking Sherpa at this point, so I'll take my chances with my cash in bills.

5. I'm going to need Diva Cups or Period Panties. Auntie Flo doesn't give a shit if you're running from an F-4 or you're hunkering down to avoid a flu pandemic, she's coming and you'd better be ready. But who wants to cart around a Costco-size pack of super tampons when you're on the run? Armageddon might be the push I needed to finally buy Period Panties.

6. We're going to need a She Wee. Actually, I'm going to need two, I don't really want to share with Adolpha. Men are lucky because they can just whip it out and do their business without a care in the world. We ladies have a little trouble popping a squat while the world has gone FUBAR. The She Wee will put us on a bit more equal footing with the boys.

7. Along those lines, we ladies use a lot more TP than you fellas. Thus, we're going to need the Costco-size toilet paper. I will be fine rinsing out my Diva Cup, but I can't go without two-ply. I'm not a Barbarian. If chaos erupts and we've got to move, everyone will have to divvy up the 40 rolls. It's the only way.

8. I'll have a unibrow within two weeks. Forget about my legs and my pits, they'll be lost causes, I'll just go full Sasquatch, but my eyebrows?! No, I can't do it! The overgrowth might actually impair my vision. Maybe I'll pack my tweezers and everyone will be thrilled when I end up using them MacGyver-style to pick the lock on the cell where we're being held by cannibals. "See! I didn't bring them out of vanity! They were a necessity! I saved our lives--and my brows!"

9. Deodorant is a must. I'm not a proud woman by any stretch, but if everything goes sideways and we're hiding out from marauders, the scent of my B.O. will give us away. The Hubs might smell "musky" but my smell of hot garbage will lead enemies right to us.

What have I forgotten? I'm sure there are more, so let me know!

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1 comment:

Unknown said...

You forgot smokes. They will be currency just like in prison. Also something to read. And swords for all... knives to hide on your person in case you have to fight in the Thunderdome... an english-cannibal dictionary in case you need to trade the hubby so you can spend the money/cigs... curtains, no good cave or shelter should be without... make-up, always look good when being eaten by zombies... ham radio to communicate with the other 4 people that have ham radios after the apocalypse... I am sure there is more but I gotta go convince others to bog themselves down with a bunch of shit so I can go faster than everyone with my walker.

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