Open Letter to Bra Manufacturers

Dear Bra Manufacturers,

Hi there.  I'm Jen.  I am a 40 year old mother of two.

Actually, allow me to introduce myself in a language you can understand: I'm a 38 DDD.

I have always had a ridiculous time bra shopping for these small boulders I carry around and I'm always cursing your names.  You've probably heard me yelling "Damn you, Maidenform, and your barbed underwire!" or "I hate you, Vicki!  Your secret is to just push everything to the top and hope it stays put!" from various dressing rooms around the country.

You bra manufacturers have been doing a bit better over the years with making more comfortable and better supporting bras for every day use, but would it kill you to make them pretty too?  Girls with jugs like to have a bra that is a work horse and attractive - think how beautiful those Budweiser Clydesdales are.  They can haul a lot, but they look good doing it.  And don't even get me started on the prices you charge!

As much as I'd like a gorgeous and affordable bra, I'm getting off topic.  That isn't why I'm writing today.  Today, I'm writing to you about sports bras.  WTF, you guys?  Have you even tried on your so-called sports bras you try to sell to the girls with the coconut sized boobies??  Did you ever invite a couple of chesty girls over to sample your wares before you sold them to the stores?  I don't think you did.  I think you guys took a regular sized sports bra and just sort of enlarged it and called it good.

I've recently started a new work out regimen.  I'm not running or anything crazy like that, but there is a fair amount of bobbing and hopping and such.  I decided I needed a sports bra to help contain the girls and make it more comfortable to work out without slapping myself upside the face with an errant breast.

The first one I tried was from the Just My Size brand.  I figured, this brand knows big girls and surely they understand our plight and they've made a bra that can withstand a work out and keep everything in its place.  Ha!

This bra was a joke.  It was the worst one I tried.  It was like wearing a t-shirt with a bit of elastic around the edges.  My boobs literally fell out of the bottom of this piece of crap.  What the hell?

Next I tried Danskin.  I should have known better.  This is a brand that caters to the boobless.  Their XL sports bra is like a strangling tube top that can barely cover the middle of my boobs.  Once I finally wriggled into the damn thing my boobs were squishing out the top, the bottom and the sides.  I think there was even a bit of boobage shoved around behind me!  I looked like two dachsunds fighting inside of a child's leotard.  I practically had to cut myself out of the damn thing.    

This week I picked up a Jockey bra that was touted to have a "new and improved fit" - or some sort of "buy me now" jargon.  When I put it on, I was moderately impressed.  Everything fit where it was supposed to and there was very little cleavage seepage.  My only complaint is the support.  It's still a bit more jiggly than I'd prefer.  You're getting there, Jockey!  Keep trying.

What I'd like to propose is that we work together.  I will help you design the perfect sports bra for the lady who probably will never go for a run or do a jumping jack in her life, but would love to have the support to do so if she so chooses.

I can try out your prototypes and tell you what is good and what is bad.  For instance, I've seen a lot of sports bras that zip up the front.  I'm guessing that would be bad for the XL boobies.  I can't imagine the pain of catching a bit of excess flesh in a zipper.

What I'm thinking of is a cross between a giant Ace bandage that you can wrap tightly around the girls and secure with heavy duty Velcro and one of those Moby Wrap baby carriers.  Maybe it could be a product that does both?  You can use it to carry your baby OR strap down your melons and go for a jog.  Because it's multi functional I won't mind paying $65.00.

You guys let me know when you're ready.  In the meantime, I'm going to go find some duct tape and strap these babies down and get ready for my work out this morning.

Don't Miss my BOOKS!

The bra manufacturers contacted me! Click here to read the follow up! 

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Unknown said...

Try Lane Bryant. They now make sports bras for us bigger chested ladies, and they WORK. I've never had any luck, just like most of you. With theirs, I do. And their comfortable two. They have 2 different styles.

Unknown said...

wow...can't spell today... Comfortable TOO. Sorry about that.

mspice3 said...

I'm not big boobed, 36C, but I am a big time runner and have to wear high impact sports bras. I really like Victoria Secret bras, but sweet Georgia Brown, it is total bullshit to pay so much for a sports bra, especially when I like to have 3-4 nice ones since I run about 40-50 miles per week. I'm going to try the Moving Comfort brand everyone is raving about... These sports bra people have us by the "balls" so to and we need to do something about it!

Unknown said...

Lily of France at Kohl's. The sports bras they make are comfortable, breathe, are reversible, and hold you in and up so it isn't like you're being smooshed. I wear them to work when I'm doing stock and I love that I don't have to stop to adjust, that and no jiggles in a male dominated back room is nice.

Unknown said...

Yes! This right here. I get the ones without under wire myself, but I've never ever had a problem with this bra. I love that they're reversible too.

Unknown said...

Lily of France. No uniboob, no smoosh, but holds the girls in nicely. Also not too expensive.

gomom247 said...

Word! 40DD

Anonymous said...

Try BOUNCE by Title Nine! They work with you to get the right measurements and you can return anything you buy from them for up to one year from date of purchase. I think return shipping might be free as well.

madeli4981 said...

Danskin at Walmart has bras that hook in the back like a normal bra that seem to work pretty well. I think there are different kinds, I picked the high impact ones. They held me in better than wearing a regular bra, and I don't have to dislocate my shoulders trying to get back out of it.

Oona Johnson said...

I actually like the Victoria's Secret sports bras. I wear a 36 DD and they have a not-awful under wire and the cups keep me in place and both models I have are racer backed, to keep my straps from going crazy. Although after reading some of the comments, I want to try the Moving Comfort brand.

jtaggart8330 said...

Wow, I used to want bigger boobs, but this post makes me happy that I'm a Platinum member in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

I agree, new bra designs PLEASE!! "No. More. Under. Wire!" (picture that being said while beating the bra design MANufacturers in Joan Crawford "Mommie Dearest" style).

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