A Love Story About a Dude and His McChicken

Source: McDonalds
OK, so I couldn't sleep last night. That happens sometimes. I wake up because I have a bunch of ideas I want to write down, so I get up and I work for a few hours. However, this time I got up and my brain just wouldn't SHUT UP. Only it wasn't a good thing. It wasn't a ton of ideas that will soon be huge bestsellers and then turned into blockbuster films. NOOOOO. It was the worries. You name it, I was worried about it. I covered everything from "What is this lump? Is that cancer? Am I going to be dead by Christmas?" to Syria to Trump to my inability to leave sugar alone to "Did Adolpha get all her reading done last night? And why hasn't Gomer said more than two words to us in the last two days?" to my husband to the electric bill to being irritated that there's a damn moth flying around my office and I can't catch it. Then I worried that I wasn't getting any work done and when would I get my work done and that sent me into a shame spiral and that made me want to eat handfuls of sugar and just go back to bed. But now it's 6 am and this is the time when normal people wake up, so I'm fucked essentially.

PHEW. Did you get all of that??



So I can't go back to bed and I'm in a funk and I need a little pick me up, so I check in with some of my writer friends. I thought, I'll check in with them and see what fabulous things they're writing and they'll inspire me to get to work! But they were all talking about this McChicken video. Have you heard of the McChicken video?? If you HAVE, then you can just stop reading now and go take another hot shower because I'm sure that just the mention of McChicken brought up the heebie jeebies again and you need to wash that shit off.

If you HAVEN'T heard of the McChicken video, allow me to explain. (Warning: You might want to be somewhere private where you can yell, "What the fuck??!!" when I'm done explaining this.)

There's a dude out there who filmed himself doing unspeakable acts with a McChicken and put it on the internet. Basically, he fucked the sandwich from McDonalds.


Apparently that rubbery piece of pseudo-chicken slathered with mayo is just the right consistency for this guy to get down. Yeah. I know. WTF???? And he really goes to town. Like, really, really, loves that McChicken sandwich. Like, A LOT. It's explicit. There is no question at all what he's doing and what he's doing it with. There's also a lot of noise. Squelching noises.

I could only watch about 2.4 seconds of the video before I screamed, "Kill it with fire!", shut down my computer, threw it against a wall, and tried to pluck out my eyeballs with spoons, but the 2.4 seconds that I saw are burned into my brain. Those 2.4 seconds were nauseating ... and intriguing.

I have so many questions.

I mean, how does this happen exactly? At what point do you say to yourself, "Masturbating is pretty great, but I bet if I did it with a McChicken, it would be better!"??

And how did this guy figure out that the McChicken is the right sandwich for the job? Did he try the Burger King chicken sandwich? What about Chick-fil-A? Or is it ANY chicken sandwich? Can you do it with a Whopper or must it be chicken?

Is the sandwich hot or cold? Does it matter? Does he get an extra one to eat when he's done? (He's working hard and I would think he probably feels snacky when he's done.)

What about the filming of this event? In the 2.4 seconds that I saw, I could see that this wasn't his first rodeo. There was no awkward fumbling with the McChicken and he was able to hold a camera at the same time. Dude's a pro. WHY did he film it? WHY did he put it on the internet? Who is this for? I thought receiving unwanted dick pics was bad enough, but this takes it to a whole new level.

Who is this guy? Is he someone's partner? Can you imagine if you recognized his ... uh ... member?? Can you imagine in the 2.4 seconds that you can sit through, you said, "Eww! What is he doing? That poor McChicken! Oh God, the squelching!! The squelching!! Make it st--wait a minute," hit the pause button and take a closer look, "Take away the bun and chicken and that looks very familiar ..." I'm confident it would never be the Hubs, not because I think he's so satisfied that he doesn't need to get his jollies off on a McChicken sandwich, but because he doesn't waste food. EVER.

It wasn't quite the pick me up I was looking for, but it worked! It just goes to show, when you think YOU have something to worry about you find out there's a guy out there fucking McChicken sandwiches and suddenly you don't feel so depressed anymore. Because, I might be losing my mind, but I'll never be crazy enough to that do that!

PS - I know some of you are just begging for a link to that video but I will not post it here, because I love you and your precious eyes too much. I will say it's not terribly difficult to find, though. I wasn't sure what sort of search criteria to use when I went looking for it. I got as far as "McChicken" before Google suggested "McChicken sandwich and man original uncut video." Yes, that's it. Thank you, all the freaks out there searching Google and bringing this right to the top of the heap. However, think twice before you click that link, you can never regain your innocence. You've been warned!

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1 comment:

Heather said...

You sound like me. That's the story behind my blog, Too Inspired to Sleep.

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