People I Want to Punch in the Throat: NASA Needs Lazy People

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NASA Needs Lazy People

Do you really ever have enough money? Aren't we all looking for a little extra cash? Especially now after the holidays?

Well, I'm here to help. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I told the pregnant ladies how to make a little more dough on the side? This time I have a tip for the rest of you. In fact, the pregnant ladies can't even apply for this job. Sorry, preggos, just go pee on some more sticks and sell them to jokesters around the world. You'll feel better.

The money making opportunity that I've found for you is a part time gig. Your new employer would need you for 70 days and in return you would earn $10,000. Also, you can add NASA to your resume when you're done with this one. Hello, Smarty Pants!

Sounds good, right?

The only thing that would make this job better would be if NASA needed to know how full body massages affect microgravity too. 

Yup. NASA is looking for a few good men and women to test the effects of microgravity. Don't worry. I know it sounds all science-y, but you leave that part to the actual NASA scientists. You just need to stay in bed for the entire 70 days.

Now, when the Hubs told me about this job last night, I was all, "Wait. I get to stay in bed for 70 days AND they pay me? Sign. Me. Up."

He thought I was nuts. "That sounds terrible," he said. "That's why they're paying so much."

"Being paid would be a bonus. I would do that job for free," I replied.

That is my kind of job! I am easily one of the laziest people on the planet. Staying in bed for 70 days wouldn't even be that hard for me. I welcome the challenge. I would be happy to just try.

Sure, there might be some drawbacks:

Eating while in a prone position. Eh, I manage to do that most nights on my couch and it hasn't been a problem yet and bendy straws were made for sipping in a bed.

Reading on my back. Uhhh, OK, that's why several months ago I bought a Kindle in the first place - 'cause books are heavy, yo and that Kindle is so much easier to hold over my head when I'm too lazy to prop up on one arm to read. Just load up my Kindle and I'll see you in 70 days!

Not much privacy. Sooo no conjugal visits? You know what? This is for my country. People make sacrifices every day for America. If this will help astronauts and space stuff, then I will take that hit. I am a proud abstaining patriot. (Do you think the Hubs bought that proud patriot thing at all?)

A fat face. NASA warns that not being able to stand for any length of time can cause the person to retain water and get a little puffy - most noticeably in the face. What else is new? I'm always a little puffy and I can retain water like a pro, so that won't be anything new.

Bedsores. I'm assuming there is someone on staff who flips me on a regular basis. These people are rocket scientists, after all.

Going number one and number two in bed. When they say you can't get out of bed, they mean for ANYTHING. So, I would probably have to pee and poop in a bag. While this doesn't sound terrifically pleasant, I still figure, so what? I'm not the one who has to clean that up!

If these are the worst side effects, then sign me up, because you want to know the effects of staying in bed for 70 days, NASA? One well-rested mama. I guarantee I would emerge from that test looking younger, happier, more refreshed - and let's face it, a little hornier - than I've looked in years. You're welcome, America.

Who would join me in bed for 70 days? 

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21 comments:

mariel_bravo said...

Me, me, me!! That sounds like a challenge i would gladly take.

B said...

Can I start tomorrow? I'm currently planning to move out of state with three kids and a man child (aka the hubby)...I could justify the cost of hiring movers if I was working for NASA...

Kristy said...

I highly doubt I could stay in one place for 70 min. I can barely get through an article on the computer without hopping up to do something I forgot. I think I would go nuts - if it were a psychology experiment -- I'd be the first to go into the padded room - forget about muscle atrophy setting in...I wouldn't make it long enough :)

Design Lab 443 said...

Another drawback... sponge baths and how to you wash your hair... gross!

Design Lab 443 said...

Another drawback, dealing with tampons and pads in a bed... more gross. Sorry, just imaging this whole thing. ;)

Kayla said...

I have a classroom full of high school seniors - this doesn't seem like a stretch for them. I think we could give them a semesters science credit for that. Plus they are going to get puffy in the face next year when they gain that freshman 15. This way it will be in the name of science instead of in the name of all you can eat ice cream buffet in the cafeteria.

Cathy said...

my oldest son moved back home a couple months ago...pretty sure he HAS spent the past 70 days in bed...NASA would pay him for that? I'll sign him up

Mexmom said...

Coincidentally I have been looking for a job, do you know if they give you unlimited amount of books and movies to keep you entertained?

K Ferris said...

They should check the unemployment rosters in their state. It would keep someone busy(?), while they apply for jobs. Interviews could be via Skype. Advertising at local colleges as an internship would get them plenty of 20-somethings that have plenty of free time and no social life. I'd volunteer if I had someone to watch my furry children, as my human children are grown:)

Julie Dunlap said...

I nominate you, me, George Clooney and Bradley Cooper. You're welcome, America!

Kristen Mae said...

$10,000 dollars is not even close to enough. Just reading this made me gain 18 pounds. No effin' thank you. lol

Laurie H said...

Sign. me. up. too.

Angela said...

I'm with you. I would go bat shit crazy bedridden for just 70 hours.
Angela @ Time with A & N

Emily T said...

Sounded AMAZING until I did the math....$10,000/70 days/24 hours (since you're on the job 24 hours a day) = $5.95 an hour. No thanks!

Amy said...

@Emily T - welcome to military pay rates...

Kim Peters said...

We obviously teach the same set of students.... Good post!

World of Olive said...

Sounds like an awesome job for my step son!!

Liz said...

I don't think I could hang. I'd get bored I think. But my fear too is that I'd get sat next to someone I couldnt' stand. Do you think they do personality testing to see who you'd be a compatible 70 day roommate with??

USA Kiwi (Kylee) said...

I think I could do it, but not for 70 days.
Plus, being in bed because you want to is different from being in bed because you have to.

The rebel in me would freak out

Trudi Gardner said...

Confined to the bed for 70 days means for 70 days you will unable to get any refrigerated or frozen dark chocolate like, chocolate ice cream, hot fudge sauce, chocolate cream pie, frozen chocolate lava cakes, etc. This would be a deal-breaker for me.

P Thomas said...

Last time I was in bed for that long was when I was in hospital as a kid. So I've never had the experience of dealing with tampons or pads in bed. But I'm another one of these people who can't stay still for long so I may well have to pass on this, great money-earning opportunity though it may be.