My Retirement Plan Sucks

Last night I went with some friends to hear a financial planner tell me that I'm never going to have enough money to send my kids to college or retire. No big deal, I'm sure my kids will get scholarships (because they're ah-may-zing at everything they do - there are scholarships for personality plus as well as academics, right??) and I'll die at my computer slogging away on a tell-all book about my grandchildren.

I can't remember how it came up (probably when I said I was going to curb my spending and save more money this year and everyone laughed at me), but someone asked me how my New Year's coat resolution was going.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You know. The one where you're supposed to be hanging up your coat every day. The easy one. Much easier than giving up your Target card."

Shit. I had completely forgotten about that little promise.

"Umm . . . yeah, I've kind of sucked at that this winter. I'll do better this summer - and stop shopping at Target so much so I can save for my kids' education!"

Everyone laughed at me again, because they know I can never stop shopping. They know I have an addiction. I'm so addicted to shopping that I have SIX coats thrown over my dining room chairs. SIX! Who has six coats and probably four more that are actually hung up?

Six coats and a pashmina that I wore to a wedding this weekend. Along with copies of I Just Want to Pee Alone. Let me know if you need a copy, because I just saw a coat I'd like to get and I could use the cash. 
You know what? The financial planner warned us that the markets are so nuts and everything is volatile that you just can't guarantee any returns on your investments, but I figure I'm investing in the right place. There will always be a need for coats. As long as there is winter, coats will always be a strong commodity. So go ahead and invest in stocks and gold and bitcoins (why the hell didn't I invent these things??) and I'll keep investing in coats.

21 comments:

Kp said...

There are scholarships for kids who are good at turkey calls, so I feel there's got to be one out there for personality plus. Your kids are safe. :)

stilladuranie said...

I have four coats draped over my kitchen chairs right this minute, in fact.

elsun76 said...

I wish there was a way to post pictures in comments. I just counted 7 coats on our bar chairs. I would like to add that 4 of them are my husband's!

Jennifer Beeman said...

i bought a coat tree just to keep my dining room chairs free of coats!

Sarah Mc said...

My New Years resolution was to stop hanging my coat up (just to drive my neat freak boyfriend crazy) but I always forget and just hang it....I guess we have opposite problems :)

Shannon said...

My 2 year old alone has 4 coats. A rain jacket, a spring weight jacket, a heavy winter jacket and a cute puffy vest. I see no problem with any of that. :-)

KCmomof2 said...

A friend told me recently that there are scholarships and tuition discounts for Eagle Scouts so I have decided all that camping and scouting crap that my hubby and the boy do together might pay off after all. Hubby went to a 3 day "leader training" a few weeks ago that involved camping in snow because evidently when the boy graduates from webelos they start camping 12 months out of the year! So I figure we won't need dorm expenses in college, he can just get a camping space close to campus and live in a tent. The girl is like me and won't go near a tent but all this gymnastics might qualify her as a pole dancer or something so I am definitely investing in skills of sustainability for them both!

Ricci M Fuentes said...

My parents never saved for my school and never taught me anything about money other than how to get into debt. $70,000 of student loan debt later, my husband and I have managed to pay off everything but that student loan debt and our house. We don't plan on having college funds for our kids. We do plan on teaching them how not to be dumb with money though. I really wish someone would have told me I could save a crap load of money if I'd done my first two years at community college! Dave Ramsey would tell you that your kids don't need college funds and should finance it themselves. Robert Kiyosaki thinks college is stupid and not a good investment. I forgot what Suze Orman's take on it is. Her Horrendous blazers are fresh in my memory, however. Don't stress about it. Your kids will figure it out right after they figure out that you're not supposed to eat dirt. PS: Get a Target debit card and save 5%. It makes me feel better about spending so much money at Target.

Sadie K said...

I live in the midwest, so coats are a necessity. God knows how many I have; some are in closets, some on the coat tree, some on the bench beside the coat tree. My husband regularly puts 1-2 of his on a dining room chair. Then there's the kids' coats, and I am sure your house is the same.

I am rolling my eyes at the financial planner. Over the fact that he/she got paid for talking. These days with interest rates on saving as low as it is, and stocks- who knows what tomorrow brings; everyone is just squeaking by the best they can. When there's kids, all the toys,the food,etc.Oie! My aunt, who never had kids, always advises, "Just get the essentials, and put away the rest." Essentials are a perspective depending on what you need to stay sane. Good luck to all in their endeavors.

Veronica said...

I dunno, with global warming, coats may become obsolete. Maybe you should start stockpiling sandals just in case. ;)

Julie Workman said...

Ha! My husband has more coats than you! There's black, and navy blue, and royal blue, and burgundy, and forest green, and the motorcycle jacket and the leather jacket and the barn jacket, the windbreaker jacket, the navy pilots jacket, and a green one too, plus the honor guard raincoat, and his fancy schmancy new dress uniform jacket.
What about me, you ask? I've got ONE jacket, a sweater and a hoodie. I'm simple like that.

RachRiot said...

I'm convinced my coats have sex in the middle of the night and breed kid's jackets... just a theory. Speaking of coats, are we really gonna take Suze Orman's advice on anything? The woman wears fringy leather blazers! She must have bought out the remaining 1989 stock of Merry-Go-Round, for fuck's sake!

AVH said...

Dave Ramsey would NOT tell you "your kids don't need college funds and should finance it themselves." He doesn't suggest anyone *finance* anything (finance = cute way of saying "borrow money from someone else b/c you don't have your own"). He suggests saving for college (once you are in the right position to do so - debt paid off, emergency fund in place, etc.). He IS in favor of students contributing to paying their own way through college (a valuable experience), just not "finance" it. Had to clarify. He's a smart guy with a very clear, no-nonsense system that has helped a lot of people. His in-your-face, easy-to-understand approach was the spark that caused a change in our household net worth to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars... Just sayin'. ;-)

kelsey1020 said...

I still fight the urge to buy coats...I've managed to cut way back on my habit. Bought your book and have loved it so far. I'm still waiting to be able to pee alone and my kids are 5 and 9..once in a great while...I get lucky...:-)

Confessions of a PTO Mom said...

None of us will ever have enough money to retire. That's why they have those people handing out smiley stickers at Wal-Mart. (That's where I shop. Our town doesn't have a Target.)

Anonymous said...

Focus on your strengths (and teach your kids this too) and you will most likely be a happy lady. Plan for the future by living in the present.

emily said...

DAMN YOU TARGET!!!!!!!

Adrienn TUJ said...

Yep. We're on the same college funding plan. And Target IS dangerous. It's definitely a "hundred dollar store" meaning you can't get out of there without spending a hundred bucks. Dammit. Why do they have to have so much cool stuff all the time.

Janine Huldie said...

I wish I didn't have to invest in coats, but living in NY means winter seems to want to hang on until the very last minute. And I am with you that I do love my coats if I have to wear them and I beat you and have 7 coats, lol!! :)

Anonymous said...

I live in Houston. I MYSELF own at least a dozen coats, jackets and hoodies.
x4- for the family
and well lets just say that hubs has a hobby..it's making those cute little coat rack hangy doo's that you mount to the back of your doors. Seriously...I have FOUR in just MY bedroom/closet. Only one for purses.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I thought I was the only one with coats stacked up on dining room chairs! All but one are my husband's. I do hang mine, except for the most currently used one. The hubs also feels that the dining room is the best place to leave all of his shoes. ~sigh~

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