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Hypochondriac Hubs


Today the Hubs is sick.  It started yesterday when he woke up and complained of full body aches.  I honestly didn't believe him.  We had an early day yesterday and I really thought he was trying to get out of helping with the morning routine.  He's just such a baby when he's sick it's hard to know when you can believe him.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office?  Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly.  The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene.  Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.

It's impossible to know the truth.

There is only one sure sign the Hubs is sick - actually there are two:

1.  He turns off his computer.  The Hubs is always on his lap top.  He is always "working" on something even if that means price checking North Face sales.

2.  He doesn't eat.  Unless you know the Hubs personally and have eaten a meal with this man it is hard to understand just how much food he can put away.  I swear he has a hollow leg.  He is a skinny fat man.  Imagine that Japanese guy who always wins the hot dog eating championship - the Hubs could give him a run for his money.

This morning the Hubs woke up and didn't immediately grab his lap top or go looking for some food.  That's when I knew it was time to go into quarantine mode.

You see, the Hubs gets sick every winter.  He always catches what ever the newest communicable disease of the day is making the rounds.  Thank goodness we don't live in Asia, he would have succumbed to Bird Flu or SARS years ago.

He did catch Swine Flu a few years ago and he still blames me.

We were downtown having Vietnamese food in a seedy dive that he loves and everyone around us was coughing, sniffling and looked slightly feverish.  The kids were still pretty little and the last thing I wanted was for them to catch something nasty just so the Hubs could enjoy a cheap bowl of noodle soup.  I Purell'd (yeah, that's a verb in my house) the shit out of their little hands, the chairs they sat on and encouraged them to eat with their fingers so as to avoid the diseased-looking silverware.

We finally escaped the restaurant and headed to the safety of our car when I realized we were close to a big Asian market (Kansas City doesn't have too many of those, so when you're within 20 miles, you need to take advantage) and I had been promising Adolpha a nauseating Chinese dessert that they carried.

I asked the Hubs if we could stop and pick some up.

We got inside the market and it made the restaurant we'd just left look spacious, bright and clean.  "Ugh, it smells in here," complained Gomer (he hates the smell of the fish and the herbs).

"Don't.  Touch.  Anything." I whispered to everyone.

"Tell you what," I said to the Hubs. "I'll take the kids back out the car and you grab the dessert.  No cart!"

"Right.  No cart," the Hubs repeated knowing the carts would be filthy.

The kids and I waited for him in the car.  He jumped in and threw the groceries at me.  "I hope it was worth it!" he said.

"Why?  What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I just got Swine Flu!"

"Stop it.  You did not," I said shaking my head and thinking, This guy is such a hypochondriac!

"Oh yes I did," he insisted.

"OK.  How do you know?" I asked.

"Did you see the guy in front me?  The one who was sweating and buying all that ginger and herbs to obviously try to cure his flu?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.  He sneezed in my fucking mouth!"

"What??"

"Yup.  I could see he was going to sneeze and I thought he'd sneeze into his arm like a normal person, but no, he turned around and sneezed right in my mouth as I yawned!!!!"

Within two days of this altercation, the Hubs was in the Emergency Room on a fluid drip and dictating his Will to me.

Luckily, he pulled through that time, but every sniffle since has been touch and go.


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36 comments:

  1. I too use purell as a verb. Think most logical folks do these days ;)

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  2. I think the story of the little Spartan boy allowing the wolf to eat out his innards is a complete myth (pahaha - mythology - myth). It had to have been a Spartan girl. NO male could handle that when a sniffle has them pondering going to the ER....

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  3. I just read this morning that if you cut off the ends of an onion then put it in an empty jar by the bed of the sick person, when they wake up the onion will be black because onions absorbs germs. Onions apparently have powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties. Hope hubby gets better soon.

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    1. Bad news--I Snoped this & they say NOT TRUE!

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    2. What's Snoped?

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    3. Snopes is a websight that looks into all myths and urban legends and even those annoying emails and Facebook posts we see all the time. Tells us if they are true or not. I looked up the onion cure a long time ago to prove to a friend it wasn't true.

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  4. New reader here, loving your book and feel like we're living semi parallel lives... just here to show my empathy for the whole sick Hubs deal. It just really confuses me when people say that someone brave has "big balls" or someone who is acting cowardly should "grow a pair." Why would I want to be a whiny crybaby who has to tell everyone I see about the color of my mucus and how terrible this cold is.

    True story: we all had the "super bug" cold over Thanksgiving and I got it pretty bad on top of strep and actually had to sit out a day of work. My hubs had the mild version, went to the doctor the first day, got on an antibiotic. When we saw his large Italian family the day after turkey day, literally every member, no matter how distant, came up to HIM and said "oh, I heard you were sick you POOR thing, how are you feeling?" Meanwhile I was actually hacking up blood in the bathroom and unable to taste or smell for weeks.

    Needless to say, these men are bred to be giant man babies. Good luck!

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    1. Giant Man Babies...LOVE it!

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  5. Ha! I dread the husband getting sick more than I dread me or my daughter getting sick. You'd think he was dying when he just has a cold!

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  6. I don't think I could have kissed my husband until I had watched him do a full Purell mouth swish and spit after that one. Disgusting!!! Fun-eh.

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  7. Sounds like the flu. I'm seeing a ton of it in my clinic.

    My husband had pertussis (whooping cough) last spring. It is better known as "The Hundred Day Cough". Indeed. Three months with an ill man in the house.

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  8. I think ALL guys are babies when they get sick. Every guy I know including my Hubby & three boys are HORRIBLE when they are sick!

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  9. Must say this sounds like our house! I have had to ban WebMd!! No matter what it is, it quickly becomes the worst illness in history!! Even if I just had it, it is waaaay worse by the time he ends up with it. The child is quickly becoming his fathers mini me and after a case of stomach issues last year, is the first kid to the nurses office when a sniffle or stomach cramp arrives!
    Kristin

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  10. Dang it! I've been trying to get the baby to sleep for an hour. She finally relaxed just about the time I read "he sneezed in my mouth!" and my obnoxiously loud SNORT woke her up. It's all your fault!!!

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  11. I was trying to make thanksgiving plans last month and ran them by the hubs. He said "that will be fine as long as I'm not in the hospital." I said "why would you be in the hospital?" him- "because I have a stress test on Wednesday."

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  12. So funny, including the comments! Laughing out loud and nodding because my husband is the exact same way! Every time one of the kids or I gets sick, he comments that he better not get it because he always gets it worse than anyone else. Riiiiiiight.

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  13. Lol, sounds like the hubs gets a man cold http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DVbmbMSrsZVQ

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  14. Voted and by the way that damn swine flu started out at none other than St Francis Prep HS where my lovely SIL works. We went to my MIL's house for something at the time (I was 7 months pregnant with my first) and precedes to tell me that she has been in contact with it and I may want to get in touch with my doctor. I am not the hypochondriac in our family (that goes to my husband, too), but still and all I was a bit freaking seeing as though I was just a bit pregnant. Thankfully, I never did get it, but I remember freaking just a bit!

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  15. My husband says I have lost my sympathy over the years.A few years ago he went to some training at work and was covered in bug bites on his legs.I thought it was mosquito bites, but he went on to the doctor and found out they were all spider bites(like 20 of them)and had to go on some special medication to counteract the effect.So now when he gets sick and I tell him that he'll live, he reminds me that I was wrong about the bites on his leg. Stupid spiders

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  16. He sneezed in your husband's mouth?!?! That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. UGH. Thanks for sharing.

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  17. i always feel like that episode of big bang theory when sheldon gets sick and the rest of the cast flees from him in the fear that they're going to get stuck taking care of him.

    I hear the Mister groan and I get that same twinge of terror. you might have the sniffles sir, but you sure are still capable of putting soup in the microwave. suck it up already it's not the plague.

    Unless i guess it really is the plague. hopefully we don't have any run-ins like you did. (DUDE HOW DISGUSTING is that sneezer? cover your darn mouth!)

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  18. I'm sure you've probably already seen it, but on the off chance you haven't, you should check out "Man Cold" on Youtube, with Nick Frost. Priceless! And true. So true.

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  19. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ

    I watch this every year at the beginning of cold and flu season. Then when the hubs gets sick, I throw a "poor little bunny" in here and there, and it makes me feel better.

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  20. I feel as if you wrote this about my own husband. He gets the sniffles and body aches and when I mention to him that it's probably the cold going around, he states "no, this is worse...it's something more serious". Yet in 48 hours, he's FINE. I do think he's on to something. I push myself to go to work and still take care of the kids and house while sick, so my cold lasts 8 times longer than his. He whines and stays in bed for 2 days and emerges on the 3rd a perfectly healthy human being.

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  21. I'm a new reader and have been sharing your blog with everyone. I have to say I too married a hypochondric *hanging my head in shame* He has past his acting skills, I mean illness to our daughter too. *paper bag over head* She goes to the office almost daily...Ms. Julie and I have a special agreement...no phone calls unless there is a fluid leaking from her body. So I learn this morning she has been going to the office every. day. after lunch cause her belly hurts/head hurts/old ankle injury is acting up/feels like she may vomit/diarrea may happen/etc. She asked to take her nasal spray to school today because "the winter weather is making her nasal passage dry." She has band-aids, neosporin, chapstick, q-tips and now nasal spray in her back pack. Did I mention she is seven??? I thank my Hubby for teaching her his mad skills. Like watching the plethora of commericals promoting the newest illness and the medicine that is needed along with the side effects and the medicines to correct those side effects, which means that there is a new illness that has a three or four letter acronym that my Hubby has. *sigh* We need to get together for wine. just saying

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  22. Oh my God, thanks for the laugh. Seriously, the sneeze did me in.

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  23. love it! thank you for making me laugh!

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  24. LOL, GROSS! I would have kicked that guy in the junk! My hubbys illness is ALWAYS worse than mine........

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  25. This was AMAZING. :D

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  26. Love it! Also love that I just realized you are in KC...lived in Raytown, MO growing up. Must be where I got the urge to throat punch people!

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  27. The Man Cold. found exclusively on the Y Chromosome, will turn your macho man into a little whiny bitch.... but I do hear they are near fatal. Only a remote and a little bell will give them the will to live. *side-eye*

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  28. Same. It's husbands. And God forbid if Mom gets a cold...
    Try the wet sock cure. He'll hate it, but it will draw the cold/flu out quicker.

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  29. We have a near-fatal case of the Man Flu here today. The hubs won't go take a nap in the bedroom, he'd rather suffer in the living room so everyone else can appreciate his misery. Goody!

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  30. Hubs calls me when I'm in Canada taking care of my recently departed grandmother's estate (mind you I'm with my mom who just got out of the hospital & was still be wheeled everywhere. And it's two days after Christmas....) "I'm sick, can you come home early?" Me "Maybe, go to the doctor" Hubs "oh, I'll be ok "moan'". argh. Next afternoon Hubs " I went to the doctor" Me (thinking oh crap he really is sick, he NEVER goes to the doc) "yes..." Hubs "Stay as long as you need, I'll be ok"
    I'm thinking the doctor chewed him out for coming in with a 99 fever...! Good thing everything else makes up for it.

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  31. In.The.MOUTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ok, so I guess he was actually sick that one time. My husband does the same damn thing. Actually, he's not a quite a hypochondriac. I call him a wannabe hypochondriac. He always tells me he's getting sick & then NEVER gets sick. Guess who was always "getting" sick while someone else who was home w/ the kids & catching every God damn disease known to humankind when they came home from school & breathed on me was ACTUALLY sick? That'll make you a little bitter & not all that sympathetic when the other person actually does get sick. Then last week when I was laid out for THREE days w/ the worst cold I've had in a decade, The Man once again said he thought he was getting sick. Are you fucking kidding me?! Never got sick. I also think our husbands should throw down at the hot dog eating contest. The only thing is being sick doesn't stop my husband from eating. He'll say, "I don't feel well. I had diarrhea twice today. Let's go get hamburgers from McDonalds."

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  32. I lol'd but really the sneezing thing is gross and I would have died just from the grossness of it.

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