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9 Things I Learned at the Water Park of America

We took a road trip to the largest indoor water park in America.


I know a lot of people get skeeved out at water parks, but I really don't mind them.  I figure there's so much chlorine in the water it's killed off all the germs.  I'm more afraid of the Kum & Go bathrooms!

Looking around the park, I learned a few things about water parks and I wanted to share them with you:


1.  The hygiene protector in your new swim suit should be removed PRIOR to swimming.  I found two soggy ones on the floor of the park and it really grossed me out.  Probably because I was worried there would be an errant pube attached and then I'd have to throw up.  No amount of chlorine can kill errant pubes.

2.  Apparently monokinis are making a comeback this summer.  (At least with the Minnesota, Iowa and Dakotas crowd - it seemed like the majority of the people I met this weekend were from these 4 areas.)  I don't care what your figure looks like, but they are not flattering on anyone - I can find you 10 swimsuits that will look better on you than a monokini.   Monokinis just make you look like you're oozing and/or bulging out of your swimsuit.  If you have the figure for a monokini, just take the plunge and go for a bikini, it won't look as weird on you.  If you don't have the figure for a bikini, skip the monokini and go for the full coverage tankini or the super full coverage I sport:  the skirted tankini with floor length cover up.


I'll admit, she looks pretty good, but I can find 10 swimsuits that would flatter her more.

3.  This is another bathing suit suggestion:  just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it.  Most places that sell bathing suits have the triple mirror deal where you can see all angles of your figure.  I encourage people to use those mirrors.  Your suit might be covering the front just fine, but don't you feel that breeze on your ass?  And this suggestion is not just for women.  I saw many men sporting swimming trunks that were probably 10 years old and two sizes too small - I was blinded by hairy ass cracks more than I care to admit.

4.  Remember that you're going to a water park where you're going to be tossed around like cork in the pool.  You are going to be thrown down a water slide 10 stories high so a three inch triangle of fabric probably isn't going to stay put.  I saw more nip slips, butt cracks and full on bathing suit malfunctions this weekend than I've ever seen.  Forget looking hot in your swim suit, this is the time to bust out the ugly swim team swimsuit that won't ride up your ass, drop a boob or rip apart from the sheer velocity of the water park activities.

5.  If you're going to bust out the ugly swim team suit, make sure it isn't so old that it's see-through.  I saw this problem pop up more than once too, especially on pre-teen girls.  Mothers, I know you were trying to prevent the nip slip on your young girls, but check before you send your daughters out in worn out swim suits.  You prevented an occasional bikini bottom loss, but instead your daughter walked around all day in a suit that everyone could see through.

6.  When you're hanging around for hours with people in essentially their skivvies, you realize just how many people are tattooed and/or pierced - and all of the places they do these things.  Whoa!  Neither the Hubs nor I have a tattoo or a piercing so it's like a whole new world for me.  Looking around, I decided there is nothing I love enough to ink on my body.  Not Tweety Bird, not the Chinese symbol for "Love", not a Celtic arm band thingy, not my children's birth dates or the Hubs' name.  I saw lots of young, svelte people with tattoos and I'd think, Oh, hey that doesn't look so bad.  And then I'd turn around and see a 60 year old tattoo and I wasn't even sure what it was anymore.  A skull?  A bird?  Just a wrinkled mess now.  I saw belly rings that have been through one too many pregnancy and didn't come out very good on the other side.  Then I'd think,  Nope.  I'm good.  I'll stick with my stretch marks and freckles.  Those are marks enough for me.

7.  No matter where you are, lifeguards are cocky.  Even lifeguards who are working at the touristy largest indoor water park in America located just steps from the Mall of America have cocky 'tudes.  I get that even though it ain't Baywatch you're still a lifeguard and you get to be cocky, but for some reason it just doesn't translate as well when you're so pale.

8.  Public hot tubs are gross.  Yes, I said earlier that I think chlorine kills anything, but there's something about sitting in that hot petri dish of filth with a guy who is sporting a rat tail, three missing teeth, and cut off jean shorts that he's calling a swim suit that grosses the hell out of me.  It's like taking a bath with a bunch of strangers.  Adolpha kept begging to go in the hot tub and I kept diverting her all weekend.  Ick.

9.  Everyone needs a lazy river in their house.  We would be a happier and more peaceful society if we could all take an hour or so each day to float around our own personal lazy river.  I could sit in a tube and float all day.

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71 comments:

  1. Public hot tubs are indeed nasty. I don't care how much chlorine you dump into it, germs love a nice hot bath. Isn't that how scientists breed bacteria on purpose? By giving it a warm, soggy place to grow?

    Agreed 100% on monokinis. I might also respectfully submit Dorito-kinis and SpongeBob Circle-Boobs, two unfortunate trends I noticed at the start of pool-season:
    http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/05/30/5-swimwear-trends-to-avoid/

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  2. Ewww the jean short, or "jort", bathing suit. Nothing says relaxation like hot, wet denim.

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  3. Okay, two things. First, promise me you'll let me know how many people visit your site because of the "Mono-kini"...I wrote a post last June because some idiot PR guy said he wanted to send me one. Like my muffin top needs MORE attention. Anyway, I posted some of the ridiculous mono-kini's on their website, and then added one for men at the bottom of the post (al-la-Borat). Then, as the weeks and months went on, this post was getting hit after hit and soon became my all-time most popular post. NOT because my readers were sharing, or it went viral, but according to Google Analytics it was because pervs were googling "Moms in Microkini's" (and other variations) and spending a little too much time on my site for my comfort level. I actually deleted it (the only post I've ever done that with in two years)...it grossed me out after Mommy Micokini became my best keyword and the hits on that post more than doubled my 2nd best.

    Also, the lazy river! I couldn't agree more! We've long said at my house, that when we hit the lottery, we're buying beach front homes for select friends and family and installing a lazy river that connects them all together. I think they're so awesome (really, the name says it all), that I'm surprised that it isn't a popular feature in homes. I totally want one.

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  4. Anonymous09:46

    It's the Midwesterners, lol. I'm from NC, but living in Iowa, and there's just a whole different breed of people out here! I think they wear those suits IN HOPES of wardrobe malfunctions!

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  5. Live at the beach, but took my oldest to a waterpark this weekend for his birthday. I didn't know it was called a monokini, bit I saw one (thankfully just the one) here too. I laughed at all of the girls wearing a 1.5" strip that were constantly picking it out of their rears. With a suit that small, isn't it supposed to go there? When sliding at 30 mph, I'm surprised they didn't disintegrate.

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  6. Yes. To all of the above!

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  7. Similar to height requirements, I'm thinking the water parks should have a "fashion requirement" sign before entering the park. Something like, "In order to protect the innocent retinas of our other patrons, you must be THIS covered up before entering the park."
    Also-- You forgot the biggest perk of hot tubbin' it: free band-aids and ciggie butts! Score!

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    1. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. :)

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  8. I know what I have to do to our own personal hot tub (that only hubs and I use mostly), so you bet your sweet time machine I'm not getting into a private one. And I'm pretty sure no one pees in mine.

    Monokinis - LOL!!! An aside, I hate swimwear.

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    1. Anonymous18:11

      Yep that's what I was thinking too. Then could you imagine having sex in a public one, ewwwww!

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    2. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth ... ;-)

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  9. This post could have been about my weekend at a Six Flags water park. I may have been dressed like a prude in my bra-top and skirted bottom swim suit, but after seeing all that excess flab and skin on others, I felt like one hot ticket!

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  10. Anonymous10:20

    Also, the teenagers making out with their boyfriends/girlfriends who think they are invisible to everyone else (except their moms...whom they seem to be hiding from). Surprise! ALL the rest of us can see you. It's gross. Stop. To the parents of said teenagers, if your in-love teen is at the pool and you're not, chances are they're grossing out the rest of the pool patrons! Go...spy on them!

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  11. I took my boys (6 and 8) to the water park a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't WAIT to laze on the river! Turns out, my kids are afraid of it. It ended up being the working river for me, as I had to struggle to hold on to both of their giant tubes at the same time, meaning I had to get out of mine, listen to one whining that his arms hurt because he refused to sit in the tube properly and the other scream that he was drowning the whole time, even though he could easily touch the bottom. Then came trying to shove them both out of the current at the same time. One made it and immediately took off in a completely out of my sight direction while the other (who could touch) screamed and flailed and was forced to go around again while I tracked down a cocky lifeguard to save my drowning giant of a son from the most relaxing attraction at the park and then help me find my small Olympic runner, who was God knows where at that point.

    Eff off, Lazy River.

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    1. Angela18:08

      I am positive that that whole experience totally sucked for you, but I have to admit I just about rolled on the floor laughing! My lil sis was the same way as your "drowning giant of a son" so I could totally picture this! LOL

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    2. Anonymous19:22

      Sounds just like my girls! And that is exactly why the Hubs and i refuse to take them to a water park! But thanx for sharing, i laughed so hard both kids actually came out of their video game for a second to ask what was so funny!

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    3. Oh my god, that's hilarious! My six year old daughter does the drowning in the lazy river thing. I'm like "STAND YOUR ASS UP! YOU CAN TOUCH!" I'm that mom.

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  12. Just walking IN to the water park creeps me out. I have been to Oceans of Fun three times in my life. Once as a child. (Too young to get the creeps), once as a teen (oblivious to anyone else except myself), and once as an adult (saw the whole spectrum of colors of the creepy rainbow). It will take a miracle to get me to venture anywhere near one again.

    The unnatural color of the water, the lack of chlorine smell, and the overstuffed swimsuits make me shudder.

    Your water park observations are too funny but all too real. W.P.P. (Water Park People) are the stuff of nightmares. *shivers*

    Except for you. ;)

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  13. Anonymous10:43

    Errant pubes are the worse. Almost spit out coffee all over screen!!!

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  14. #4 - this reminds me of when I got my body buff enough to get back into a bikini after 2 kids - I worked hard (and I was only 28, so even though I work hard now, my 42 year old ass will never see a bikini.) The bikini I chose for myself was more like a sports bra and shorts. My husband commented that the last bikini he saw me in (on our honeymoon) was much smaller and sexier. I explained that chasing a two year old around the pool required more coverage and stability so that boobs and butt cracks would not suddenly be exposed!
    Also, I love the lazy river. If there weren't so many dumbass kids jumping off the tubes and squealing, I could probably lay in the lazy river all day while my kids do the crazy waterslide thing. Who needs the excitement?!

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  15. Old ladies at water aerobics are the worst offenders of the worn out swim suit. Do they not notice that their entire backsides are exposed thanks to the worn out spandex?

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  16. Thank you for validating my newest "bikini" purchase- a halter and board shorts.

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  17. ......Last Summer we took the boys to Raging Waters in San Dimas and I will never return... the lazy river was infested with pubic hair, you could see it collecting along the edges... there were grown ass teenagers walking around in life jackets -WITH- the crotch strap securely strapped...(which hey, I'm all for safety but if you are 6 foot tall and still can't swim and don't feel confident in a 3 foot pool with a life guard at each station then maybe a water park isn't the place for you?)....and my BFF and I witnessed the ultimate gold digger.. a girl of about 14 reached down her bikini bottom, gave her starfish a good scratch..pulled her hand out, SMELLED it.. and then LICKED IT!!!!!

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    1. OMG, you just ruined the lazy river for me. I am normally not so observant. I will never look at a water park the same again.

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  18. Darn, I'll need to leave my monokini home when I go to GWL.

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  19. Anonymous12:02

    I definitely realized the hot tub concern while on vacation in Cabo. We managed to snag a spot with a company that was rewarding its employees for a job well done (I know... I need a job like that!). The resort had this cool swim up bar and hot tub attached to it, so that turned out to be our daily spot. We would joke about the hoard of people that spent the ENTIRE day in the hot tub with a cocktail waitress bringing a continuous tray of drinks. No one ever got out to go the bathroom?!? Needless to say, we never ventured into the Pee Tub.

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  20. BurbieGirl, your story made me die a little inside.

    Also, has anyone else seen studies that show that something like 80% of people admit to peeing in pools? Sure, the chlorine disinfects it, but it's still pee.

    Solution: swim in the ocean? We live 15 minutes from it, but you know how many fish there are in the ocean? And you know how many of those fish expel their waste into it? It's like it's a no-win situation for summer splashiness.

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  21. I think the older some people get the less they care about things in general. They use what they have and they've lost so much respect for themselves that they don't put any effort into their appearance. Everyone should have to watch "What not to wear" on TLC for tips on how to dress their bodies. Also.. Right on point.. Just because it comes in your size doesn't mean it will look flattering on you. You should always have a friend or spouse that is not delusional and will tell you the truth about how you look before you walk out the door whether going to a water park or anywhere else for that matter.

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  22. I think the older some people get the less they care about things in general. They use what they have and they've lost so much respect for themselves that they don't put any effort into their appearance. Everyone should have to watch "What not to wear" on TLC for tips on how to dress their bodies. Also.. Right on point.. Just because it comes in your size doesn't mean it will look flattering on you. You should always have a friend or spouse that is not delusional and will tell you the truth about how you look before you walk out the door whether going to a water park or anywhere else for that matter.

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  23. Anonymous13:09

    My friend's daughter was a lifeguard at a local water park where she was instructed to pee in the water instead of taking a break!! EWWWW! This is the same park that tries to keep their guards on their toes by slipping in child size dummies in the lazy river to see how long it takes to get noticed. I happened to run into on with my foot and it nearly scared me shitless!! We do not go there any longer.

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    1. OMG child size dummies!? That is insane. I would have a heart attack if I saw something like that.

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    2. When we went to Hershey Park's Boardwalk, there were signs plastered everywhere about the child sized dummies.
      I was more freaked out by the 300 pound man with half of his hairy ass hanging out. Probably the only time his swampy ass got wet with something other than sweat.
      The bandaid that skimmed my foot had me running out of the water so fast, I created a wave.
      And.....there were plenty of foot pickers and pimple poppers. WTF is wrong with everyone????

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  24. Shelley in So. IL13:12

    We were at a very nice community center pool last week that featured a great little waterslide. No way was I going to take my kids to an amusement park that adds the extra bonus of worrying about drowning in addition to the already real concern that they could wander off. Notice that I didn't mention child abduction? Yeah. That is because no one else wants my kids.

    Anyway, I got to see some douchebag wearing loose swim trunks OVER his underwear. In. The. Pool. Yeah. He was a gangsta douchebag. The only reason I gave him a fashion pass was because he was a teenager and surely had the hormone cocktail on board for that fashion choice. After all, I was a teenager in the 80's.

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  25. As a reader from the great state of Iowa (hehe), I, too am disgusted by what people deem "swimwear". I'm a good 6 months pregnant, wearing my tankini that covers up my bump, and am pretty much the most fit person at the pool. I literally saw a lady at the pool who was wearing a one-piece and it didn't cover her lady garden. Did I also mention that she probably weighed 250lbs?

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    1. Anonymous03:35

      OMG! Lady garden! That made me laugh so hard...I'm crying!!! (And I obviously LOOOOVE exclaimation points.)

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    2. Lady garden! I love it!

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  26. Anonymous15:27

    One more to add....older kids,mostly girls, who scream bloody murder like they are being carried out to sea when in fact they are in 3 feet of water with 4 lifeguards about.Experienced this yesterday.

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  27. Oh, lazy river, how I love you! Also, you are dead on with the tattoo thing. I got a tattoo on my lower stomach when I was 19, and the first thing my mom said was, "That's going to look like crap when you have kids." She was sooooooo right...

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  28. I have one more swim suit suggestion. This is aimed at mothers of little girls. Make sure the damn thing fits everywhere. That include the crotch. I don't know how many times I have seen little girls with like an inch gap between where their little body ends and where their swimsuits begin. What the hell? How does any mother not notice this? Of all places you want a suit to fit... this is the most important one! I just want to grab the shoulder straps and yank the suit up and pin the straps together the suit does not sag when I see these poor kids. Do you know how many creepers there are in this world? Do you really want to give them a window to your daughter's most personal bits? No! Stop the gap! Get your daughter a damn suit that fits!

    okay... rant over.

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    1. Anonymous14:41

      A - to-the-friggin'-men! Drives me nuts - I want to grab some safety pins and save those poor little girls!

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  29. I want #9!! Snorting over #3, and skill skeezing out over #1--seriously?!

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  30. Anonymous18:08

    Just returned from a water park today. I saw this one woman Wearing a mono-kini and she should have had on a floor length coverup. Gross,someone should have told her the middle part was not for hiding her (full on) gut. And it was gold! This other lady was sporitng the flag bikini, the kind that's two triangles on top and a string bikini on bottom. Yeah but sadly you could not see the bottoms because her gut hung over the top band so low! I'm sporting my two peice tankini with the skirt and never felt better about my self!

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    1. OMG,That reminds me of the scene in "Norbert"(the Eddie Murphy movie) where the guy at the water park wasn't going to let Norbert's wife in.."Maa'm you have to wear bottoms." She snaps,"I am wearing bottoms" and pulls up her fat apron to prove it.
      I have my own apron going on(from 3 kids and losing a bunch of weight) and my first priority when getting dressed is to lock that shit up.Nobody wants to hear you clapping for yourself when your hands aren't moving.Seriously, whoever invented Spanxx should be sainted.

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    2. @Spymay: *dies laughing* Your comment rocks!!

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  31. Love, LOVE the lazy river in the house idea!!

    And, I'm totally with you on the monokini thing... those things are just so awkward!!

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  32. Just got back from the swimming pool and my husband and I were discussing on the way home how they should have a huge sign up before you enter (instead of the please shower) that reads: please do not come in the pool if you are disgusting. I am so not a germ person, but Jesus Christ, wait until your leg rash goes away before you shed your skin cells all over me. Bleh. So grossed out.

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  33. really, Jen...you were in my neck of the woods and I had no idea? bummer. lol ;)

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  34. THANK YOU. I was just wondering why the hell the hubs and I spend a fortune on the stupid above-ground pool in the back yard.... Now I know.

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  35. Anonymous21:37

    K, I used to be a lifeguard, don't think I was cocky... but I was tanned. Good call on the hot tub - I, too, avoid them like a plague - did you know that the foamy stuff floating on top is actually soapy bubbles made from human body oils and skin...

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  36. Lazy river at these places = public urinal, but one in my home - hellz yeah!
    I say all the time, "I don't fault people for being fat, I fault them for not covering that shit up!" NO ONE wants to see that shit and it CAN NOT be comfortable!! Great post Jenn, we do NOT go to water parks. Ever. (kiddy pool and sprinklers at home or friends pools!)
    Devan

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  37. I figured out the whole problem. They sell monokinis at Wal-mart.......

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  38. When I'm standing in line behind a rather large woman and it looks like her ass crack has eaten her bathing suit, I often find myself scared that it might get hungry again and come after mine!

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  39. All of these reasons are why I refuse to go to water parks. I don't care how much chlorine is in the water - it's the stuff I can see floating in it, including most of the people, that gross me out. My kids are deprived, but I am so much happier not subjecting us to any of it.

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  40. When my daughter (then age 4-6) was on chemo treatment for cancer, and immuno-suppressed, her oncologist, who I LOVED, told me no matter how low her blood counts were, she was ok to swim in a chlorinated pool. Or a river. Or a lake. Or the ocean. But that under no circumstances WHATSOEVER was she to get in a hot tub ..... its nothing but a warm, moist breeding ground for germs. I was so skeeved out that even now, six years later, I STILL don't get in them, or let my kids get in them. GROSS.

    Hysterical list, by the way. :)

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  41. I worked at a water park in high school for one summer, and I don't think I've been back to one since. Here's justa few reasons why:

    1) We took shelter from tornadoes in the wave pool pump house. Grossest place I have ever been. Basically up there with waste water treatment facility. Gag.

    2) The lazy river, while relaxing, is often a bigger toilet than the wave pool. Sorry. I kind of want to punch myself for revealing that, but also look at it as a PSA.

    3) There was always some creeper that would show up in either a speedo or "jorts" and lay on the edge of the wave pool, scouting out his prey. I actually had one kicked out by the manager because his junk was hanging out of the bottom of his jorts and he insisted on laying on a wall with his legs straddling it.

    Also had a woman kicked out for wearing a crotch floss monokini (in the 90s!) and she had one of those flat, wide, cellulite asses. It's always the people that shouldn't be wearing them (and honestly, what normal person should?)

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  42. Perfect.

    I'm about to leave Thursday morning and now it's coming back to me.

    I hate water parks.

    Hate every dang thing about them.

    Especially my chafed inner thighs by the end of the day.

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    1. That is why I wear a tankini top and swim shorts from Lands End. No chafing highs.

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  43. The only thing I think should be added to this list are the European men who seem to have no shame and illustrate that with Speedos. I think there's maybe five men in the world that might look good in a Speedo - and odds are pretty slim they're going to a public water park. I could just be biased because I'm not into men, but I know the difference between an attractive guy in board shorts, and a guy with a pot belly and gold chains letting everyone guess if he's circumsized or not. I think this phenomenon happens more often in the Florida area for some reason.... it's like Gorillas in the Mist with all the giant hairy dudes and their package pouches strutting around *shudder* imagine all the poor kids being eye level with that o_O

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  44. FYI according to Wiki

    A monokini, sometimes referred to as a unikini, is a woman's one-piece garment comprising only the lower half of a bikini, leaving the breasts uncovered.[1] The term monokini is also used for any topless swimsuit,[2] particularly a bikini bottom worn without a bikini top.[

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  45. This made me laugh out loud - just what I needed. I try and stay out of the water at Waterparks and it works out just fine. The people watching is off the charts. Thanks for this.

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  46. Hot petri dish of filth. You totally made my night!

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  47. What's with the drunk/high parents? Loads of them in the middle of the day! And the XXX rated tattoos that your small child wants explained? Nice family vacation.

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  48. Hot tubs are petri dishes! Ugh!

    Tattoos are the best for showing how your skin never bounces back exactly the same after pregnancy. Hip bone and around the belly button ones are the worst.

    Ellen

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  49. As for hot tubs and germs: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/19/hot-tub-germs_n_5268919.html

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  50. At least they have bathing suits! Last time we went to the water park, most people were wearing ill fitting shorts and t-shirts in lieu of swimming attire. Mostly stuff that was half-falling off and completely see through. Yuck!

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  51. On my one and only lazy river experience, the clear plastic inner tube afforded a clear view underwater of the bandages and wads of hair floating along in the current with me. :P

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  52. I am going to now do the following :
    1) build a time machine [admittedly, this will take time]
    2) go back to 1994
    3) change my senior yearbook quote to "No amount of chlorine can kill errant pubes."
    4) enjoy the superior life that will bring.

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  53. Why can't we start making wet suits a thing? I've been saying that for years! If we all wore wet suits, going to the pool would be so much more pleasant.

    Loved this post (errant pubes, lol!) and could picture that weirdo in the hot tub perfectly. It grosses me out to see the foamy stuff in hot tubs - not the bubbles, the yellowish foam that sits at the top! What is that crud? I'm not sure I really want to know...

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  54. Kids suits - so hard to find one that doesn't look like my daughter is a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras. She was the only one in her swim class (of 12, 10 girls all ages 2.3), who was wearing a 1 piece sports swimsuit (like I wear, Roots brand covers everything). As for public parks, hot tubs are gross, but I do love the lazy river (so does my daughter) even though it is a urinal, but then, so is the ocean....

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