I know a lot of people get skeeved out at water parks, but I really don't mind them. I figure there's so much chlorine in the water it's killed off all the germs. I'm more afraid of the Kum & Go bathrooms!
Looking around the park, I learned a few things about water parks and I wanted to share them with you:
1. The hygiene protector in your new swim suit should be removed PRIOR to swimming. I found two soggy ones on the floor of the park and it really grossed me out. Probably because I was worried there would be an errant pube attached and then I'd have to throw up. No amount of chlorine can kill errant pubes.
2. Apparently monokinis are making a comeback this summer. (At least with the Minnesota, Iowa and Dakotas crowd - it seemed like the majority of the people I met this weekend were from these 4 areas.) I don't care what your figure looks like, but they are not flattering on anyone - I can find you 10 swimsuits that will look better on you than a monokini. Monokinis just make you look like you're oozing and/or bulging out of your swimsuit. If you have the figure for a monokini, just take the plunge and go for a bikini, it won't look as weird on you. If you don't have the figure for a bikini, skip the monokini and go for the full coverage tankini or the super full coverage I sport: the skirted tankini with floor length cover up.
|I'll admit, she looks pretty good, but I can find 10 swimsuits that would flatter her more.|
3. This is another bathing suit suggestion: just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it. Most places that sell bathing suits have the triple mirror deal where you can see all angles of your figure. I encourage people to use those mirrors. Your suit might be covering the front just fine, but don't you feel that breeze on your ass? And this suggestion is not just for women. I saw many men sporting swimming trunks that were probably 10 years old and two sizes too small - I was blinded by hairy ass cracks more than I care to admit.
4. Remember that you're going to a water park where you're going to be tossed around like cork in the pool. You are going to be thrown down a water slide 10 stories high so a three inch triangle of fabric probably isn't going to stay put. I saw more nip slips, butt cracks and full on bathing suit malfunctions this weekend than I've ever seen. Forget looking hot in your swim suit, this is the time to bust out the ugly swim team swimsuit that won't ride up your ass, drop a boob or rip apart from the sheer velocity of the water park activities.
5. If you're going to bust out the ugly swim team suit, make sure it isn't so old that it's see-through. I saw this problem pop up more than once too, especially on pre-teen girls. Mothers, I know you were trying to prevent the nip slip on your young girls, but check before you send your daughters out in worn out swim suits. You prevented an occasional bikini bottom loss, but instead your daughter walked around all day in a suit that everyone could see through.
6. When you're hanging around for hours with people in essentially their skivvies, you realize just how many people are tattooed and/or pierced - and all of the places they do these things. Whoa! Neither the Hubs nor I have a tattoo or a piercing so it's like a whole new world for me. Looking around, I decided there is nothing I love enough to ink on my body. Not Tweety Bird, not the Chinese symbol for "Love", not a Celtic arm band thingy, not my children's birth dates or the Hubs' name. I saw lots of young, svelte people with tattoos and I'd think, Oh, hey that doesn't look so bad. And then I'd turn around and see a 60 year old tattoo and I wasn't even sure what it was anymore. A skull? A bird? Just a wrinkled mess now. I saw belly rings that have been through one too many pregnancy and didn't come out very good on the other side. Then I'd think, Nope. I'm good. I'll stick with my stretch marks and freckles. Those are marks enough for me.
7. No matter where you are, lifeguards are cocky. Even lifeguards who are working at the touristy largest indoor water park in America located just steps from the Mall of America have cocky 'tudes. I get that even though it ain't Baywatch you're still a lifeguard and you get to be cocky, but for some reason it just doesn't translate as well when you're so pale.
8. Public hot tubs are gross. Yes, I said earlier that I think chlorine kills anything, but there's something about sitting in that hot petri dish of filth with a guy who is sporting a rat tail, three missing teeth, and cut off jean shorts that he's calling a swim suit that grosses the hell out of me. It's like taking a bath with a bunch of strangers. Adolpha kept begging to go in the hot tub and I kept diverting her all weekend. Ick.
9. Everyone needs a lazy river in their house. We would be a happier and more peaceful society if we could all take an hour or so each day to float around our own personal lazy river. I could sit in a tube and float all day.
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