People I Want to Punch in the Throat: The Evil Birthday Clown

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The Evil Birthday Clown


Well, just when I thought only potty parties and Marie Antoinette-themed first birthday parties were some of the worst party ideas I'd ever heard of, I read about Dominic Deville, The Evil Birthday Clown.

Holy shit!  This is a clown that you pay to stalk and terrify your child.  As if clowns weren't scary enough for most people!  This guy will send threatening letters and text messages to your kid warning him that he's being watched and the scary clown is coming for him!  When your child least expects it, the scary looking clown will jump out of some dark alley and pie your kid in the face.

Happy Birthday, Champ!
Can you imagine the therapy bills for this kid?  My kid can't go see the circus without having nightmares of getting seltzer water in the face by a friendly, happy clown.  How about being systematically stalked and tormented by a creepy clown?!

What kind of parent pays this guy and thinks it's a good idea?  I guess, maybe for a teenager or a grown adult child, but definitely not for a kid.

Can you imagine the conversation when you're picking this guy for your birthday party theme?

Mom:  I'm at a loss this year for what to do for Nashville's birthday.  Everything has already been done by everyone in his class!

Dad:  Well, I was reading HuffPo today -

Mom:  Ugh, what did that rag say?  Donate trees in his honor?  Adopt a mile of highway and clean it up?  Name a star for him?

Dad:  No, actually, I was pleasantly surprised, they had an idea I thought you would love.  It's straight from Switzerland.

Mom:  Switzerland?  That's near France, right?  Those French moms are considered the best moms in the world right now.  Do the French moms do this party?

Dad:  I don't know about the French moms.  It's the Swiss moms who are doing this.  Surely the Swiss moms are the next European mommies to be envied.  You'll be ahead of the curve!

Mom:  I would think so!

Dad:  Anyway, this guy, his name is Dominic.  He's a Swiss actor and you can hire him to dress up like a clown and entertain your child for his birthday.

Mom:  Hmm...I don't know.  Clowns are so boring, especially for 7 year olds.

Dad:  This clown is different.  We hire this guy to scare Nashville.

Mom:  Hmm....He does love those Goosebumps books.

Dad:  Right.  So we hire this guy and he has a really interesting and unique way he scares the kids.  He...sort of...terrorizes Nashville.

Mom:  Oh?  How so?

Dad:  He sends threatening messages to him that he's following him and that he's watching his behavior.  He knows if he's good or bad -

Mom:  Ooh!  Like Seamus Pickleton, our Elf on the Shelf!

Dad:  Yeah.  He's like a real live Elf on the Shelf.  Anyway, he lets Nashville know that he always knows where he is and the Scary Clown can get him at any time - day or night.

Mom:  Fun!

Dad:  I know, right?  Then, when Nashville is good and freaked out - BAM!  Dominic comes out of nowhere.  I was actually thinking it would be great for him to come out of Nashville's closet.  He jumps out looking like a deranged clown who escaped from a mental hospital and throws a pie in his face.

Mom:  I.  Love.  It.  No one has done this yet.  Can you imagine what my Bunko group will say when they hear about this one?  They will be so jealous that Nashville will have his own stalker!  They will all wish they could get my scary clown for their party, but it will be already done.  Boom.

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99 comments:

Amanda @ Life, Experience Needed said...

That is terrifying

Jill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin said...

I love how you compare this freakazoid to the damn EoaS. Hysterical, they are very similar.

I have an unrational fear of clowns, so this wombat would freak the shit out of me...I just despise clowns.

Whowouldathought-Kevin.blogspot.com

Unknown said...

Wow, the parents could also make sure he is watching "It" by Stephen King to get him really into the theme of the party, then have the dreaded clown jump out! Parent of the year award goes to...

Kathi G. said...

Damn...parents who hire this clown really do need a punch in the throat.

Dave Hodgkinson said...

Coulrophobia.

The Judge said...

Thanks for the new small business idea. I'm going to add an extra element to mine, though, and slash the kid's bike tires.

Robyn said...

I want to hear the testimonials on this one. Is there actually a kid who, after getting hit with the pie, smiled at his parents and said, "Aw, you guys! You got me! That was FUNNY!"

Soapy said...

I really wish there was a like button for some of these comments. lol

Kayla Arnolts said...

seamus pickleton! omg, how do you dream this stuff up? LOLOLOL! but i play bunco - you should come visit my group some time. it's really fun because all we really do is try to roll dice in between lots of gossip and cackling - but not evil clown cackling, no no. throat-punch-plot-hatching cackles only.

Jenn said...

I think I just pissed myself....from laughing AND being scared shitless. Is that even possible?

JenGal said...

Dominic Deville, The Evil Birthday Clown, better watch his back! His whole evil plan might backfire on him one day. Get the wrong kid who knows self defense, or worse, playing with his parents' guns... or another parent witnessing the whole thing... Mr. EBC's days might be short lived! Come to my house Mr. EBC - and you are going doooowwwn.

HeliconiaPink said...

Seriously? I can just hear my kid on the therapist's couch now... My 6 year old can't even sleep after watching some of the "scary" veggie tale episodes!

The Judge said...

As he laughed nervously and pissed his pants.

JenGal said...

Now that I'm thinking about it... (and because I'm a little twisted)... this would be PERFECT for the class/school bully!!! I would totally pay money to see that. :)

TracyLynn said...

O...M....G....this CAN'T be real?! Seriously??? It HAS to be a joke!!! And if not, CERTAINLY NOT marketed towards children! It'd be a cruel joke on an adult!!! Oh holy balls....really?? LOL No way!!

toosmartforherowngood said...

Bahaha, I know a few people who may die of shock from a Scary Clown birthday bash. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

sherry said...

Me too!!!!!

spymay said...

Stalk and terrify my kids?Terrible idea. Stalk and terrify my ex? Best revenge ever!!
Muhahahahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

I am sooooo getting that guy for my husband's next birthday :)

SuperSpanx said...

I want to do this to my friends...

spymay said...

You know, you could save some money and just put a tiny clown wig and makeup on the EoaS.That would scare the crap out of me.
Makes me think of the USPS commercial where the family is telling the postman that they need to return the clown they just bought off the internet.LOL

Anonymous said...

OMG I totally just laughed so hard I peed a bit. You are hilarious, and all those comments just made it even better. That is soooo wrong! Evil Birthday Clown is not for anyone!

Cynthia said...

Good lord - I can't even see doing this for a teenage or adult child. I'm 44 and I'd be petrified and probably end up shooting the guy when he showed up. H
Heck, I hate regular clowns as it is.

Kp said...

Good lord why does this exist!? I am never telling anyone when my birthday is ever again.

Poppymann said...

Here are two reasons there are no friendly clowns anymore.
1) That evil fucking clown from Poltergeist
2) John Wayne Gacy

Anonymous said...

made up kids name for the story...nashville! lol love it, some crazy ass names out there.

imbogus1 said...

My daughter hates clowns...what's his number?

Rachel said...

I would like to know how many of the readers are acutally peeing their pants? It seems to be a recurring comment. Are you really, truly peeing your pants, or is it just a figure of speech?

With regard to the clown, at first I thought, "oh that would be funny to do to my dad - he HATES clowns. He always talks about a toy clown I had as a kid that laughed and creeped him out." Then I thought, no he would DEFINITELY punch me in the throat if I did that. :)

Julie said...

Ha ha! Now I have an image of an evil EoaS clown in my head. Sitting high up on the shelf, surveying his domain.

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

Holy Balloon animal, Batman! That's creepin' me out! Why not get a rabid dog named Cujo and have a Stephan King party! Nashville...snicker...

Julie said...

After a couple kids and a few years passing, that peeing while you are laughing thing isn't such a stretch. So it may be actually happening a lot more than you think it would :)

Jessica R. said...

WOW.... That's like my worst nightmare coming true... Poor Nashville... Lol

Cheryl said...

Isn't this sort of a way to punish yourself? I would never be able to sleep without kids in my bed again! Geez. WHat's scary is that he probably makes a good living!

Nicole said...

OMG That is the PERFECT gift for my once best friend who I caught having sex with my husband on my couch while I was in the next room!!! Anybody have that clown's number? Her birthday is next month HEHEHEHE!!!!

Jenn said...

Do you think he ever actually gets a PITT from a kid? You know how Halloween amusement parks always have signs reminding you not to touch the actors? It's not like these kids were warned not to... Then he assaults them... It would be awesome if a bunch if them banded together (after having met in group therapy, obviously) and stalked HIM.

colleen said...

HAHAHA the EoaS with a clown wig would freak me the hell out!

Brett Minor said...

I would do this to my teenage son. I would love to see him scream like a little girl.

Anonymous said...

wow, my mom did that with the boogey man and the sand man some 40 years ago.........Insanity is on the rise!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa! Seamus Pickleton! that shit is funny!

Heather said...

Wow, really? Let me know if you need me to go in on that with you!

Jill said...

It's true. Sad, gross, and true. Wait young lady. Just you wait until you've had one or two and then hit 40. Not fun at all. All of a sudden you're an old lady.

Ki said...

I would actually do this, tho before anyone punches me, my kid is 16 & loves all things horror. My youngest, no way, not ever.

The Judge said...

I think for a 16-year-old horror fan, this would be a pretty badass birthday gift.

My Daily Jenn-ism said...

Omg. I have no words. That is totally screwed up!

Rachel said...

I often wonder the same thing. And also the whole "spitting my coffee onto the computer" comment. Both irritate me bc really, the post is funny, but not so funny I would lose control of my bodily functions. And I have had two kids.

spymay said...

We need to start a fund so you can have multiple clowns and a cujo to stalk her and your douchecanoe husband.They can all ride together in one of those tiny clown cars.

RedBirdRising said...

I hate clowns but this is funny. Punch back clown! Punch back!

Krysti said...

As a 23-year-old who is scared to death of clowns, I can't even IMAGINE the hell any kid exposed to that would live in!

That picture will haunt me for weeks now.

Lanie Malone said...

I'm not afraid of clowns, but anyone jumping out of my closet or around a corner at me is getting kicked in the man business and punched in the nose. I might run away screaming but they won't be coming with me.

Athea Core Photography said...

Boom. LMAO! Who the hell would do this to their child or anyone really?? If anyone, let alone a scary ass clown, jumped out of the dark at me they would get a punch in the throat for freakin sure.

Vera said...

Honestly... I would so do this to my teen...she is pissing me off lately!

Kim said...

A clown that stalks you?? One more reason to hate clowns. Even though my son would probably kick in Dominic's evil clown junk (which might actually be reason enough to hire the evil clown, now that I think about it) I'd hate to be the one responsible for the psychiatrist couch time my boy would probably require later on. I'm a mean mom at times, but not quite that mean.

Tammy said...

Damn I hate clowns, ever since that Pennywise in "It" by Stephen King. Now I'm going to have nightmares tonight after seeing that freaky clown pic you posted!

Anonymous said...

that post office commericial is the best!

Julia said...

What would refreshments be? Xanax filled cupcakes? Benzo floats?,

Siobhan said...

I'm with you on that! "man business" - LOVE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you're funny!

spymay said...

Do I really need an evil clown to have those kind of refreshments?? Because those sound all kinds of awesome.

Nicole said...

Oh yeah, I would totally do it, however, I don't care to waste any money on them, it's not really worth it... Ok, it is! Hahaha Especially since I divorced that rat bastard! They live in MD if, uh, anybody wants their address, just let me know! LOL

mosaicmaddness said...

That is so fucked up.

Marta said...

That is the most ridiculous thing ever. I love the real life elf on the shelf analogy!

Allison said...

I had to hold my hand over the picture to read the first paragraph I was so damn scared of this Swiss Mister Scary Clown. No No NO! this is not a good idea, V V bad idea!!!! This can not be real!!!!! Make it stop! His image is burned in my brain!

Amy Mickle said...

Good Lord! Stephen King's IT come to mind???

Anonymous said...

Krysti, I am a 64 yr old Grandmother and I am also scared to death of clowns, can't see who is behind that make-up. I think it should be called child abuse for a parent to do that to their child.

Anonymous said...

She'd only end up having sex with the clown!

Tazi-Kat said...

How is it we keep publishing the same topics on the same day???
Church Wedding Is No Place To Clown Around

And yes, I have a serious fear of clowns...what warped parent would do this to their child?

liza said...

maybe we can call him up and see if there's an age requirement? god i hope so! thats craaazy, but maybe like you said some teenager would love it. lol
now be a good sviss mom (said with accent) and book de nice cloooooownnnnn. lol

Kendra said...

I really like that they'll stop if it freaks the kid out. Seriously, it freaks me out just thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

I love that you give the boy an annoying trendy name like Nashville.

Krysti said...

They're creepy and irrationally happy and no one needs that much makeup. I saw Stephen King's IT when I was eleven (bad move) and it has literally scarred me for life. If I can't deal with something, I am sure as HELL not getting it for a child! Psychological issues much?

Heidi K said...

Totally appropriate for your child's age & interests.

Hilary said...

The name Nashville, wondering what the Bunko group would say, and all points in between, you have totally nailed the OAM mindset. Where I live, the West End of town is where the majority of moms like this live (we call them WEH's for West End Hoe's, though their sexual proclivities and propensities remain largely up for discussion and speculation). Point being, this entire exchange is a complete WEH situation. They could probably get their Sviss au pair to make sure the pie this guy uses is 100% organic and gluten free.

Heidi K said...

W....T....F??????

Amy said...

I'm not a pants pee-er but I have actually spit coffee on the computer. Not only is Jen a fucking genius but I have some pretty hilarious friends (one of whom does actually pee her pants). But this creepy birthday clown stalker idea is just plain stupid and whoever invented it needs to be punched in the throat!

Amy said...

@Krysti "We all float down here".

Anonymous said...

Not that I would do this for anyone, regardless of age, I do think it is important for you and your readers to have all the facts. If you follow this link you will find that because it can get scary this service is only offered to those 18 years and older. I realize this is only a blog and perhaps the Huff Post should have made that clear but I think its important for anyone responding and giving an opinion on it to have all the info:
http://newslite.tv/2010/04/14/evil-clown-service-to-scare-at.html

spymay said...

That's why Tammy Faye always creeped me out-the makeup,lol.

Mama Moo said...

Why does it have to be an evil clown? I tell you what, if a regular clown was stalking me and jumping out of places and scaring the crap out of me it would be just as terrifying. The things people will pay for, seriously! It is along the lines of paying someone to be your paparazzi. I wish I had money to spend on B.S.!

Anonymous said...

This story is wrong. If you visit the website and email Dominic, you will see. First of all, the "service" was only offered for one summer in 2010. Only 10 clients were every hired. And all of the "victims" were adults over the age of 18--Dominic never accepted gigs involving children.

Dagny said...

Either way, kids or adults. I know how to get em good. Hide under the bed a la Poltergeist. Shit. Now I won't sleep tonight.

JJJ said...

What. The. Fuck.

Krysti said...

@Amy--DAMMIT now I'm going to be thinking about it all freaking night. Tim Curry still scares the living daylights out of me. Which sucks because I love a few of his movies.

@spy--She's scary too. There's a limit to makeup...

Abby said...

If there were a like button for this, I would like this status. I'm a teenager and if my parents ever did this I would probably die of fright or live the rest of my life as a paranoid recluse with some crazy high tech security system.

Susan Thatcher said...

Thanks to this blog post, I was able to correctly identify the true story in "Bluff the Listener" on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" this week. You have truly performed a public service.

TNMom said...

Why is the poor child named Nashville?? LOL, so funny Jenn!

Michelle said...

I just want you to know- I didn't/couldn't even read this post because the clown freaks me out too much... but I love your blog.

NurseMom said...

I really need to remember to slap on some Depends before I read your blogs. I think I may have to flip the couch cushion now! HYSTERICAL!

Stacey said...

Make sure the invites say "In lieu of gifts, please donate money to Nashville's psychiatric fund at ________."

sam said...

lol im with u on the refreshments ill take two to go please

Sami said...

I need the number because i would pay 1000 dollars at least to have this done to my sister, shes already crazy so i dont have to worry about her couch time, but payback for her crap would be AWESOME.... o and i would really be laughing so hard i would pee on myself

Anonymous said...

You know what is REALLY scary.... growing up with the name "Nashville" -- poor kid!!

Krys said...

I live in Germany and this does not surprise me that parents would do this for their kid's birthday. The amusement parks here have some very scary stuff. The fairytale images we get in America are far different from the creepy dolls and scenes they have here. Trust me, these kids would probably crack up and keep it moving.

Blondie McBaffled said...

I'm glad I wasn't alone in my thoughts of what a wonderful idea this would be for getting back at a pain in the ass ex! That's where the real market would be. Some people pay investigators, I want to pay a stalker, and what better kind than a creepy, freeky stalker clown dude? Perfection!!!

Blondie McBaffled said...

Oh no...HUGE market for ex's.

ohlaur said...

I might consider doing this just to shock the other parents out of their Stepfordness! Excellent blog, love reading your entries!!!

Gretchen's Mindspill said...

This makes the mom who hired the strippers for her kids look like a saint!

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

I can't. even. imagine.

Deva Dalporto said...

Wow. Just wow.

connie jensen said...

If I saw that clown coming after me, I'd punch myself in the throat, in hopes that I would pass out for the duration of the party!

...Although, on second thought, it might be easier if I just punched the clown in the throat so HE would pass out...and then I could call the proper authorities...or maybe an insane asylum...to take him away...forever...yep, that's what I'd do...

...better watch out, Mr. Clown...