People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Things I Could do Before I had Children

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Things I Could do Before I had Children

I had a make over last night with some of my girl friends.  We got our hair styled and we got our make up done and then we went out for dinner.  Whoohoo!!


Sitting in the chair at the salon, the hair stylist noted that my hair style is "cute."  She said, "Do you always wear it so.....flippy?"  Why yes I do, I thought flippy was in.  Is it not??  She said, "It's OK, we can tone it down a bit with the straightening iron."  She proceeded to straighten the shit out of my hair and make it smoke (literally).  When she was done, she said, "There.  Now you don't look so much like a mom!"

I moved over to the make up chair and this woman was not as diplomatic.  She said, "I'm going to have to do something about your brows."  Oh yeah, I need to get them waxed.  "Yes, you do.  Soon.  I'll do what I can.  In the meantime, let's draw attention to your eyes so the brows don't stand out so much."  I told her to break out a new bottle of concealer, because I was gonna need it.  She chuckled, but didn't argue with me.

As I sat there in the chair having all my wrinkled badges of motherhood covered up with flesh colored putty, I started making a mental list in my head of all the things I used to do before I had kids.  Things like secretly yearning for a minivan, waxing my eyebrows (and my bikini area), wearing more than one color of eye shadow and picking clothes without first checking the tag to make sure it was washable and preferably no ironing required.

Here's the list I came up with and I'm sure you can add to it:

1.  Go on a trip with nothing but an overnight bag.  Now I need a suitcase full of nothing but lovies, bedtime books, Shout wipes, wet wipes, anti-bacterial wipes (yes, I keep the wipes business going single handedly), coloring books, markers, games, snacks, First Aid kit, and extra batteries.  That doesn't even include the additional suitcase I need if we're going to stay somewhere with a pool or near the beach!


2.  Laugh without the fear of wetting my pants.

3.  Go to the bathroom alone.  I've started locking the door, but I think it's more annoying to have them pounding on the door while I'm trying to get my business done.  So I shout, "I'm pooping and it's gonna get real stinky here in a minute.  You'd better move along!"  It seems to work for now.

4.  Have sex on the kitchen floor.  Actually, I never did this before I had kids, because the floor just seemed so cold and hard.  But now I definitely can't do it because it's still cold and hard...and sticky and covered in crumbs.

5.  Sleep in.

6.  Decide at 10 PM at night to go get ice cream, go to the bar with the girls, go to Mexico, or anything spontaneous.  Even going grocery shopping at 10 PM has to be planned out.

7.  Spend $150 on my hair.  Maybe this is why I hate my hair now.  What do I expect when I go to Great Clips and I color my hair myself?

This is the last popular hairstyle I can remember.

8.  Spend $150 on anything for myself.

9.  Read.  I used to read all the time.  I still do, only now I read Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Pinkalicious.

10.  Spend an entire day on the couch watching rated "R" movies.

11.  Drive by McDonald's without thinking I wonder what the Happy Meal toy is right now.

12.  Wear heels.  I was never one to wear very high heels, but something happened after my children were born that I have absolutely no tolerance for anything higher than a flat.  I have a couple of wedge heels that I can manage for an hour or two.  I really don't even like tie shoes anymore either.  After I'm done tying the kids' shoes the last thing I want to do is tie another pair.  I seriously look for slip on shoes as often as possible.

13.  Swear.  A lot.  I still swear and my mother would say it's a lot, but now when I drop something on my toe instead of yelling, "Mother fucker!"  I have to say, "Mmmmmm....fuh......ohhhh...owie, owie, owie!!"


14.  Roll my eyes at the mom with dried egg in her hair, one leaking boob soaking through her filthy sweatshirt, wearing men's pajama bottoms and slippers limping behind an over flowing shopping cart full of processed food while towing three screaming kids under the age of 5.  Now I just give her the look that says, "Hang in there, sister.  Bedtime is coming and there's a bottle of wine with your name on it."

15.  Buy furniture and carpet that isn't stain treated.  I've bought two new couches since I've had children.  One is dark tan and one is brown.  What does that tell you?  The days of white couches are behind me.

16.  Walk around my house in bare feet without the fear of stepping on Legos, Barbie and/or Monster High doll shoes, Squinkies (they don't hurt, but they scare the crap out of me, because I think they're big squishy bugs), Mighty Beans, Go Go Crazy Bones, Hex Bugs, or Littlest Pet Shop figures.  Not to mention grapes, raisins, Cheerios, apple peels, or puddles of milk.  Interestingly enough I've never stepped on a Cheeto, apparently my kids hang on to those better or take the hit and eat it off the floor anyway.

17.  Invest solely in Sharpie markers.  Now if it doesn't say "washable" it doesn't come in the door.

18.  Read anything about dying children.

19.  Eat a hot meal.  By the time I'm done making sure the kids have what they need, cutting up their food into manageable pieces, blowing on anything that is too hot, arguing about why they must eat what's in front of them, and blowing again, because it's still too hot, my food is ice cold.

20.  Listen to music that isn't "Kids Bop."

21.  Talk to the Hubs about movies, current events or anything that doesn't relate to our kids.  Now we just say things like, "Did Gomer poop today?  He's been constipated lately." or "I need thirty bucks.  Adolpha's feet grew again."

22.  Never helped a child pee into an empty sippy cup because the fucking flight attendant didn't understand that a toddler cannot hold it for another half hour when the fasten seat belt sign will turn off, fucking cow!

23.  Shower without an audience.  I get in the shower now and I have two little faces peering at me the entire time questioning my actions and my body.  "Mommy, why does your 'china' (vagina) have a mustache on it?" or "Are you always supposed to wash your armpits, because sometimes I forget."

24.  Drive a two-seater.  Now we drive practical cars, because we're practical people.

25.  Throw parties for actual milestones, not potty parties or period parties (holy shit, they do exist!!).

26.  Never used my sleeve to wipe a child's runny nose.  Now I'm so immune to snot, I'll wipe a stranger's child's nose just out of habit.

27.  Hold a new baby without getting a little teary eyed and kind of wishing for another one (before the Hubs smacks me upside the head and reminds me that I think I'm sleep-deprived now).

28.  Never let a baby vomit on me so that my new carpet wouldn't take the hit.

(PS - before you start commenting that I don't love being a mom, that I don't appreciate the time I have with my kids, that it's "sad" I feel this way, blah, blah, blah.  That's not true, so fuck you very much for your opinion, but you can just stuff it and save your comment to yourself.)

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214 comments:

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Lady Old Soul said...

The solution to this, which I finally employed 2 years ago out of sheer desperation, is to force tgem to do tgeir own laundry. No shortcuts...has to be sorted, washed, dried, folded, hung, and put away exactly as mommy has to do it. Put a quick end to the dress-up BS. :)

Lady Old Soul said...

*them
*their
God, I miss autocorrect. :-(

rosebrowning said...

#23 - I was dying! I always tell people that children are horrible, horrible beings. I love my 2, but children are horrible.

HEATHER HOLTER said...

Have anything with any value whatsoever. I bought a $9 stylus for the kindle 2 weeks ago and the little 5 yr olds decided to chew the end off!

Rory Bore said...

All truth, but your PS at the bottom is what makes me give you my heart. If I hear one more person dismiss my right to bemoan the fact that I have not had hot meal, hot shower, or hot sex since having kids.....imma gonna stab someone. Of course I love them, of course I can't live without them - now; but holy shit, anyone who denies it's like setting a bomb off in your marriage ......well, I want what ever meds they've got. and up the dosage please.

Wendy Wainwright said...

Heh. This isn't my story but my mom's. She was in the bathroom with the door shut and my sister was 3. My sister bangs on the door and screeches that there is a mouse in the kitchen and can she catch it. My mom was like sure, whatever, close the door. Five minutes later I heard my mom scream, she's standing on the toilet and my sister is holding a mouse by its tail....the good old days...

TracyL said...

Get on a plane with only my purse. Drink a whole bottle of wine while making dinner. Trying a new recipe that is hard to pronounce. Drive fast, very fast. Listen to whatever I want in the car, LOUD. Gossip with husband without worry that what I say will be repeated.

TracyL said...

BTW...your P.S. is my favorite part of the post!

Lisa Newlin said...

I don't do most of these things and I don't have kids! Who would read a book about dying children?! And I definitely don't want to have sex on my kitchen floor. Even though we have cleaning people, I'm sure I have just as many crumbs on the floor as you do.

And never go back to that salon again. It sounds like those women were super judgey! Don't they know we're the only ones who get to be judgey?

JuniperSunshine said...

In my experience, a good many guys are great at parenting but very, very few do much housework. And I have never met a man who actually took responsibility for running the household or fully raising the children. Changing diapers and washing dishes are great, but I've never known a man to buy winter pajamas or make dentist appointments without being asked to..... Because of this, we decided I would stay home and the household would be my focus, while he made the money. I respect women who can somehow do both, but you're kidding yourself if you think hubby is going to co-manage everything with you. Expect to have an extra pair of willing hands, at best.

JuniperSunshine said...

LOL

JuniperSunshine said...

YES!!! LOL

Full Spectrum Mama said...

I envy you the success of your stinky poop strategy.

bfmama said...

I agree with every word of this, plus more, and yet when my youngest (of 7!) left the nest, and I had all the time to do all the things, it took me 3 years to get past the depression of having no kids at home for the first time in 30 years. Now I've finally reached the calm of just enjoying the peace and quiet(though I don't think missing the old days will ever totally go away). Motherhood=masochism? Ha! Or just all the love makes up for all the inconvenience.

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