People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Sh*t Kids Say

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Sh*t Kids Say

I was reading the comments on my minivan confession and someone had the wonderful idea to keep track of shit kids say.  I believe the quote was "Between kids and old people, they say the funniest stuff."  I couldn't agree more!!  I bleeped the title so you can share easily with your Facebook and Twitter friends and not offend them too much.



So today I started making a list of things my own kids (Gomer and Adolpha) say.  Of course, they weren't their normal hilarious selves once I started keeping track.  Luckily, my friend's kids (Clarence, Boris, Malachai, Eugenie and Olympia) came to the rescue.

As always, this is a work in progress so be sure to add the sh*t you've heard kids say to the comments.

1.  Mommy, I can't walk any further.  My legs are out of power.
2.  What is a chicken nugget?  Is it chicken or cow?
3.  Mommy, your hair looks like fur.
4.  Mom, could you even see me?  'Cause I was running like a firebolt!
5.  Mommy, can't we please have another baby?  I promise I'll be nice to this one!
6.  Who wants to play puppy tag?  What's puppy tag?  Y'know, it's like tag only we're puppies.
7.  Gomer, what did you learn at school today?  Nothin'.
8.  I'm too dizzy to clean up my room.
9.  Dagnabbit is for kids to say.  Goddammit, is just for you, Mom.  That's right, Boris.
10.  Do any of your parents use the bank drive thru to get money?  No, but that's how we get our fries!
11.  Mommy, can you sing the ABCs for me and I'm going to write them while you sing?  A, B, C, D, E, F, G - Wait, wait a minute, too fast.  Did you say A?
12.  MOM! Yes, Malachai?  My friend Adolpha's grandma was our mystery reader and she gave us Chinese New Year candy.  It was so good and mom did you ever talk to Adolpha's mom about the chicken and rice she gave us?  It was so good.  I want you to cook that.  Oh mom, I told her it was my favorite.  Oh mom, can you go find that?  Oh mom, can I go play with Adolpha one day and John can play with Gomer?  He's Adolpha's little brother oh I mean maybe he is her big brother.  OK, goodnight.
13.  Adolpha and I were thinking.  You should get some Pajama Jeans and a Forever Lazy - you would like both of those things.  Or the Wonder File, it would really clean up your desk if you had one of those.
14.  Daddy, is Nationwide on our side?  Nooo.  Oh, so we must have a good neighbor like State Farm.  Time to turn off the TV, Gomer.
15.  We're rich, because we're a little nerdy and Daddy says nerds have all the money.
16.  I like to fart in the car and gross everyone out because it is funny.
17.  Dad, I'm not playing games with you...now send mom up to tuck me into bed.
18.  Mom, did God make us in China?
19.  Mom, the laundry basket looks like a volcano.  I think it's time to do some laundry.
20.  Hey Mom, you know the word "duck?"  Yes.  If you take the "d" and make it an "f" you get "fuck." OKayyy.  Where did you learn that, Gomer?  The kid across the street told me.  He said it's bad though and I shouldn't say it.  Whoops.  Is he right?
21.  Mom, I have a new rule for the house:  I will help you.  I will undress Eugenie every day and you will pay me for it.
22.  You don't have to worry about how you look, Mom.  Everybody is a little fat.
23.  When I'm five I can have beer.  Five means beer.  Says who, Clarence?
24.  Mommy, your china has a mustache.
25.  Mommy, is that what you're going to wear to my school when you pick me up?
26.  Daddy, you're HUGE!  (5 year old boy to his naked father.  Needless to say, Dad felt pretty good for the rest of the day.)
27.  Daddy, why is his so much bigger than yours?  (Same 5 year old boy in the locker room at the pool.)
28.  Umm....don't you think you should wear something else?  You always wear that hat!
29.  Hey Mom, you know Reginald, that kid in my class who's always bugging me?  Yes.  Well, today he said Your mom thinks I'm a jerk. What did you say?  I just said, Ummm...kinda.
30.  But Mommy, why can't I wear this to school?

The real Gomer in an outfit inspired by Vikings, Ninjas, & Pirates topped off with a fishing hat.

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278 comments:

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TLC said...

My daughter and I were taking a bubble bath together when she was 5. She pointed to one of my breasts and asked, "Momma, if I only have one baby, will I only grow one of those?" :)

The Other Me said...

My son in the backseat of the car, "Mom, mom, what did you just say? I can't hear you cause my heart is singing a sad song."

To his sister, "hey, can you do me a solid and put some butter on my popcorn? " (he's five!)

"Hey Mom - You can put your eye out with a fork, but you can't kill zoombies, for zoombies you need a gun that shoots fire."

" I can't stop crying, because my heart has a hole in it and all the stuff just goes through the hole" - (wtf??)

His sister says, "Your stupid", he replies, "I'm not stupid, I'm funny, correction I'm cute and I'm funny"!

I live with a little comedian who is rather entertaining, but I see "class clown" in his future and many trips to the principl'es office. LOL!

B said...

I took my 3yr old to a public bathroom, she went potty and then it was my turn. I made her stand outside the door with her toes under the door. While I'm going potty, she sticks her head under the door and very loudly says "MOM! You're panties have stars on them...pink ones and blue ones and green ones..." The very BUSY bathroom was unsuccessfully stifling their laughter.

me said...

While driving my 5 YO to beavers, the radio mentioned Justin Beiber.
Z: "Mom! They said Beavers on the radio!"
Me: "No honey, they said Justin Beiber. He's a singer."
Z: "Well, I'm JUST a BEAVER and I sing. Can I be on the radio?"

Anna said...

Awesome!:-)))

Staziaface said...

OMG...OMG...I just died. lol

B&theNard said...

A conversation between my 2 boys...
4 yr old: "Mommy, I love Kevin!"
6 yr old: "Who's Kevin?"
4 yr old: "He's in charge of everything"
6 yr old: "It's not Kevin, its heaven, and its a place. That God guy is in charge of everything, and Captain America."
4 yr old: "Mommy, I love Captain America!"

4 yr old "Mommy, can we have bug juice?" Me: "No, I'm not stopping" (as I slow down for a red light) 4 yr old: "Sure looks like you are."

Jen said...

On a flight to visit relatives, my 2 year old was sitting nicely in his seat, I was in the middle and my husband was in the isle seat. The flight attendant came by and asked what we would like to drink. My son sat up, took his earphones off and said, "I'd like a number one with an iced tea, please" After we finished laughing, we were mortified.

Phanie said...

good one,here!

krzyklwn said...

When my daughter was four, we came home to find that or dog had gotten into the trash. I asked her to pick it up while I brought the groceries in. I came back in with a load to find her sitting down and playing. No trash had been picked up. I said"hey honey, I asked you to help pickup the trash" she looked me dead in the face, gave a little head tilt and said "wellllllll, I'm not really the trash helper, so if you ask me to, I'm just not going to." It was all I could do to keep from laughing. We had a discussion about how asking her to do something, is really just a nice way if telling her to do it. Oh and she became the official trash helper that day.

jennyk said...

While driving to an appointment the other day, my five year old son says, "Mom look, that cow is giving another cow a piggy back ride!"

jennyk said...

This was about 5 years ago when my daughter was 3 and my son was 1, we were building our house. My daughter says to the contractor, "do you have a penis?" He gives her a shocked uncomfortable look. Then she says, "is it as big as my brothers?"

krzyklwn said...

So, I asked my 6 year old if she would like to watch E.T. I said it came out when I was her age. She said "is it in black and white." She was dead serious.

jessi3382 said...

My friend, who had no kids, took my then 4 y/o daughter shopping with her. When they were in line, an Asian woman with a heavy accent asked my daughter if she goes to school yet. My daughter turned around and said as slowly as she could, "I'm sorry, I don't speak your language." The lady just laughed, but my friend was mortified. I thought it was hilarious when she told me.

LSU Tiger Girl said...

The other day my son (7 yr) says "Mom, I thought that was a punch buggy (Beetle Bug) but it isnt, it's a PTA Cruiser" I guess you buy those where you buy Swagger Wagons... On V-Day I asked him if he was going to be my valentine. His response was "I don't know I have to see what you got me" Well alright then... :)

Lauren said...

My grandmother recently passed away. When my sister told her kids that Mimi Joyce had died, 3 year old Reese said, "Did she die on the cross like Jesus?"

Laina said...

"(Teacher's name) has tunnels in her hands."

Anonymous said...

o.k last year first week of school my son had to make a family crest and include things about him and us and he had to come up with a motto. Lucky for me he finished this at home and I saw it before it went to school. First of all apparently he had heard this on a movie or tv show, which I can't remember right now and my daughter isn't here to remind me but anyhow his mottos was
"Eatin' ain't cheatin" ....... WTF??? That took alot of explaining for him to understand what it meant and why it shouldn't be his motto. LOL

minniemama68 said...

Overheard in my minivan...conversation between my 8 yo son (has speech issues) and the 7 yo neighbor kid...
Watch out or I'll kick you in the bulbs!!
They are balls. Not bulbs.
They ARE bulbs. They are located near the tenticles!!!
Almost had to pull the car over.

callilily5 said...

V: Mom, why are you mad at daddy?
M: Because he is being a pain in the butt.
V: I know he is a pain in the butt, but he isn't being one right now.

Kristin said...

Two funny things

1)Conversation between my three kids:

C (age 3): I'm tired mom

P (age 4): You need food, because that gives you energy. Then you won't be tired.

c: looks at my 2 year old and says "R, I'm going to take your energy" (and does this weird pointing thing)

R: No! No take, stop!. (followed by ear piercing shrieks, then tears!)

C: I got your energy. I'm not tired anymore.

~~~~
#2: After visiting santa, "Mom, Santa has a big belly, just like you and Daddy!"

Daisy said...

My kids say funny stuff but I work at a nursing home and old people are just as funny like you said in the beginning of your post! One time we were playing Bingo and this old lady was repeating the numbers back like they were prices on food/bills and getting all upset. Then I called out "N34" and she says "Who's a dirty whore?!" Best. Bingo. Ever!

Blogger said...

"Mama, my butt just burped." said my 3 year old daughter....

Janna N said...

My 3 yo daughter (at the top of her lungs, in Target): GRAMMY? ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ME IN THE CAGE AGAIN?

To explain, my parents have two large dog cages that my kids like to play in. They pretend they are puppies. I promise.

Cheryl said...

During a hug before sending my daughter off to preschool, I felt her little hands stop and pat my back like she was looking for something. Then she says, "Hey Mama, why you got boobs on your back?"

God I hate back fat!

Sissy said...

My daughter at 4 (now 11), while making Valentines for her class and refusing to make them for one girl, "Valentine's day is about love mommy, I just don't love her.

My sister at 13 (now 16), "She can't have any more babies, she had her gall bladder removed."

One of my brownies at 8: "My mom drives really fast, we get pulled over all of the time."

A different brownie, age 8: "My mom likes karaoke a lot, she goes this bar called Tokyo all the time."

Another brownie, age 9, after I announced I had a headache: "Depression hurts miss Shannon, are you depressed?"

Anonymous said...

"What kind of hiney is this,Dad?" while pulling on his, um, 'tail'

auburnpisces said...

Frustrated while working on my laptop I mutter "shit." To which my four year old daughter replies "are you going to say motherf-cker next?"

Crasey22 said...

"What kind of hiney is this?" pulling on Daddy's, um, tail...

Amy Kulisky said...

I can't stop laughing!

Crasey22 said...

My son was crying for some unkown reason, so my husband yelled at him 'Stop being such a pansy!' His reply, through his tears 'But Dad, I'm really more of a koala!'

Amy Kulisky said...

I can totally see my son saying this!

Kim Harshberger said...

Mom, can you wash my sheets? They are full of dog hair and boogers.

Kate said...

On a preschool day, my son refused to eat his breakfast. On the way out the door, he complained that he was hungry, so I gave him a piece of plain bread and told him to eat it in the car. I was trying not to reward the behavior with something yummy! When I picked him up from preschool, there were food bank/food stamp brochures in his cubby... but not in anyone else's cubby. So I asked his teacher why they were in my cubby... apparently my son went up to her, with tears, and complained that he was hungry, because he only received "a piece of dry old bread for breakfast". I could have strangled him!!

Kate said...

Oh, another one... my mom was over for dinner one, and after dinner, I was cleaning up the kitchen. I hollered out to the living room, and asked my 4 year old son to bring me his plate. He ignored me, and my mom said "you better do what mommy said" and his response? "I have time, that wasn't her mean mommy voice yet." Little turd.

Anonymous said...

LOL :D These are great! My fave: "Dad, I'm not playing games with you...now send mom up to tuck me into bed."

cherryl22 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cherryl22 said...

This is in regards to your no3. My then 3 year old son was sitting on my lap when he said, "Mommy I think you need to scrape your fur"! Ha!

Stephanie M said...

I love it. hahaha

Stephanie M said...

It's not fair! I should have a door, all of the other kids at school have a door. (we took his bedroom door off because he was slamming it several times a day)

I asked my son if he is ready for kindergarten, since registration is coming up. He said, "Yep, and I'm ready for 3rd grade science, too"

son:MOM, what did you do to the Wii? It says it's going to shut off after an hour!
Me:I didn't do anything to the Wii, but that sounds pretty good to me. ( that's his limit)
son: That's taking things a little too far!!


We had to try on our suits because we were planning a trip to the indoor waterpark
me: son, why did you put your swim suit back on?
Him: Because........... I'm a big boy. (he's 3)




PrimaModa said...

6 yr old daughter "hey woman, come help me with my homework" the hey woman part is from her father who says it out of love... I think.

same child "mommy, look, I am throwing a hot dog down a hallway" we stopped talking about our friends sex life after that because apparently our kids can hear us

5 yr old boy "mommy, I watered your flowers, with my pee" laughter, from him, not me

same child "when will Ariel's penis come?" My reply "girls don't have penises." After some thinking, "can we order one from Amazon?"

Anonymous said...

LOL! I so needed a good laugh and you finally gave it to me - thank you!

Anonymous said...

LOL! !!!!!

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I still laugh at anything Monty Python every time! There was a Sesame Street 'bring out your A' one time that absolutely cracked me up - I thought it was a cute way to give some of us a chuckle, lol!

Anonymous said...

I bet you could have!!!!! Grrrr! lol!

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!! Well, Amazon does have just about anything!

Samantha said...

9 yr old son: Mom, you're not fat, just poofy.

Then 6 yr old youngest son: Mom, I don't like it when my bird (penis) is hard, I can't do nothing with it. Why does it do that?

Me: I think you need to pee...

6 yr old: Gosh Mom you are so smart it worked....

Samantha said...

Oh I forget to add, youngest son is sick.... Mom, I am puking outta my butt.

Anonymous said...

Okay, my coworker turned me on to your blog. I think I love you! LOL!! So here's my contribution. My son (four) had a difficult time with "he" vs. "she" until he was about 3. In that time, he'd comment on everyone's "boobies." We had to explain to him that "he's" didn't have boobies. He wanted to know what "he" had, then. So we told him "pecks!"

Fast forward... my four-year old is being babysat by grandma, who puts him to bed. As she's leaning over him he says "grandma, are those your boobies?" A little flustered she said "yes" without further comment. To which my son happily proclaimed loudly "Girls have boobies and boys have pecks!"

Boy did we have some explaining to do!

Jennifer said...

Me to 5yr old daughter "Please call for the cat to come in the house"
5yr old daughter "Meringue get your scrawny ass in this house right now"
~Wonder where she has heard that before?!? (oops)

Erin said...

Favorite line ever... long car ride.. kids in the back.. Son yells.. MOM she is breathing my air...

Nicole Penny said...

My Niece when she was about 3, had bad gas..she kept saying Her Butt was Windy!!..makes me giggle!!

pamela faryniak said...

LOL! When my daughter was three she told my husband he had a "string weewee". He was more worried that she chose to use string...

Anonymous said...

And Freud called it "penis envy"... I never really understood where he got that from.

Holly Caldwell said...

When I had to explain the true meaning of Easter to my son (who was 5 at this time) and the resurrection of Christ the only response he had was "Mommy....does that mean Jesus is a zombie?". Apparently I didnt explain it very well.

StefK said...

When my now 6 YO was 4 and in Pre-K class at daycare: On picture day, a classmate's mom was at the daycare to help with pictures. She leans over to the woman and whispers, "My dad kills people for his work." She says, "Oh, is he a police officer?" My 4YO: "Nope." And then she just walked away. He's a client services manager...she did tell the woman she was kidding a little while later, thank GOD!

Anonymous said...

Mom - I like eating at the King of Burgers.

Marni Jarman said...

When I was pregnant with the twins, my than 4 year old was telling everyone that the babies were going to come out of my butt. This made it into the monthly daycare newsletter. Ugh!

Anonymous said...

While driving around town one day dealing with many annoying drivers, my 6 year old says "Mom... no one knows how to drive except for our family, right?"

LSU Tiger Girl said...

Elmer (9 yrs old), I am going to have another baby. There is a baby in my belly right now.
No there isn't you are just fat.
What? No I'm not! But thanks... (I mean I'm a long strived for and worked for size 8.) LOL

Angelique Troyer said...

My oldest jumped out and "booed" me. I told him he scared the dicken's out of me. His reply? "How many?" What? "How many of your chicken's got out?" He's 10 now and we still call it "scaring the chickens out of some one."

Michelle said...

My then three year old:
When Elmo pees does his fur get wet?
Does Ariel have a vagina? Where is it? (good question)

When my sister was a toddler:
Why does Daddy have a tail?

Amanda Lake said...

Omg, my son used to say this all the time! kind of freaked me out the first couple times I heard it. Now he's 9 and I haven't heard him say that in years. And I miss it:-)

Amanda Lake said...

LOL!! Yeah, why doesn't the choir take requests??

Amanda Lake said...

Omg, my son used to say that all the time! Kinda freaked me out at first. He's 9 now, and doesn't say it any more. I miss it :-)

Amanda Lake said...

Julie! Omg, too awesome!

Kristen Mae said...

If it weren't my kids, I would have hardly anything funny to say.

Dawn Jones said...

I am just now seeing this and LOVING it. I'd like to add my own:

My 3 year old son: "Mommy!! I had a big booger on my finger. I flicked it off and it stuck to the wall....that was COOL!!"

My 3 year old daughter (at the time) in the middle of potty-training: We were in a crowded, public bathroom and she was in the stall with me. She exclaims, loudly, "Mommy, you don't have any blood on your pad! Good job, I'm proud of you!"

Jen said...

Oh my goodness, your kids are awesome! I am laughing so hard--I don't even know which one is my favorite. Maybe "your china has a moustache" or "dagnabit is for kids to say."

My kids crack me up too. I've started illustrating / making comics out of the ridiculous crap they say. Here are a few of my favorites:

Edgar (3): "I wish I could be a raccoon someday. I have always wanted to eat garbage"

http://wedontwriteonmeat.com/illustrated-raccoon/

Sabrina (2): "Good job dad! You did not even get your handsome in your food!"

http://wedontwriteonmeat.com/handsome

Or when I was in a very small, very crowded public restroom (with a HUGE line) and Sabrina (2) says loudly: "Don't ever NEVER unlock the door when I am pooping. If you open that door, the people will come in and play ring around the rosies with me. And THAT would be VERY DANGEROUS!"

http://wedontwriteonmeat.com/do-not-disturb

Thanks for the laugh today (=

Tammy Baugh said...

When my step son was 5 I told him to eat his carrots because they were good for his eyes and he proceeded to tell me that he couldn't because his eyes couldn't eat them and his mouth didn't like them!!!

The Macons said...

My almost 4 yr old still calls it a tail! Ha! She also asked me if she was going to grow fur and like me whens she gets bigger.... Ugh,

Nancy said...

Emily, I'm DYING!!!!

Kirsten Spitzner said...

Hey mom. Wow, your mustache is coming in really good!

I don't have a mustache son.

Yes you do, it's right THERE. Points to my face.

Thanks kid.

JenKap said...

Me: Son do not lie to me. You just looked me in the face and lied.
Son (age 8): I am not a liar. I am bullshitter and there is a big difference.

conniedenise said...

4 y/o niece: "I'm going to my room, and I'm going to stay there until you can be nice."

carrie saxl said...

My 4 year old is in the tub when husband comes in to pee. Son looks over and says "dad, your penis is bigger than mine. But mine's better looking." I nearly died laughing

akumm said...

When I was pregnant with my second, a woman at church asked my oldest if he was going to help with the baby. He said "don't worry, it will pop out on it's own!"

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