People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

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Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask.  I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it.  I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual.  ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star.  Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas.  I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa."  Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa!  As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?  It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf.  Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year.  He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday).  This year we left town and I forgot.  He waited until we came back and then he was ready to join our family.  Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times.  We are always forgetting to move him.  And it should not be difficult.  I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again.  I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked.  "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning."  WTF???  "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree!  Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!!  Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that?  I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree!  All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye?  I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone.  There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior.  People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse.  I read her blog and I got really pissed off.  I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog.  (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf.  ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.  As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1.  Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2.  Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously?  Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs?  The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll.  I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf.  We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him.  When does she do laundry?  When does she work?  And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20.  Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers.  A photograph is not one of those things.  It would take years to undo that damage if I did that.  I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home.  "The Elf did it!"

24.  Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him.  Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf.  So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32.  Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when?  4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another?  And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42.  Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them.  I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that.  I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off.  I'll bookmark that one.

44.  Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64.  Learn multiplication facts.

Huh?  Just set him on the table with flashcards?  I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80.  Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches.  (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93.  Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF?  Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard?  Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog!  Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad.  I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

This is an excerpt from my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Get the entire book here!

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829 comments:

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Lois said...

Haha! I love your response! I have used a similar line with my kids when they begin to gripe about something they think I'm doing so horribly wrong. "Well, you're welcome to find a new mom." It usually shuts them up pretty quick.

Jena Valdastri said...

Here's and easy idea we did, our elf got into the Christmas cookies. All i had to do was take a bite out a few and put them on a plate in front of her. Easy peasy.

Erin Magoon said...

Oh my goodness, I am so happy to see this! I have been avoiding that darn elf for years at this point and my mom decided it would be a great idea to get one that came with an advent/activity calendar, just what I need. One of the first things it said to do was to write a letter to your elf and it would write back. Well I learned about this idea a week later and was stuck scrambling to type up a letter from the elf while she was at school to not only reply but explain what took so long. My daughter also insists on bringing it to bed with her each night, so trying to steal it away and figure out something to do with it is driving me crazy. She had a snow globe ornament last year that broke and my mom found a replacement the other day and now she is convinced that the elf fixed the old one a year later. The best part is that my daughter is 10! I can't believe she even still believes at this point! So glad to see I am not the only one scrambling to figure out what to do with this darn elf every night.

Meredith Gordon said...

If i get an elf can it blow my husband? That's the only "naughty" thing that really needs to get done in this house.
xo
Meredith badsandy.com

aleasa nicole said...

it actually cracks me up that danielle put, "punch people in the throat" on her list... bahahah!

Suzie Pontrelli said...

Ditto!

Wanda Siverio said...

We dont have an elf but im the type of mom that would make him do something naughty (that would be hilarious to me) then tell my kids that he was tryong to get them in trouble with Santa... I could get my dloors vaccumed dishes done and my house dusted with out threating physical harm haha

Jennifer V said...

loved your post! I hate the elf, too. In fact, I also blogged about it...enjoy! http://jvalenciaphoto.com/have-yourself-a-merry-little-christmas/

barbara said...

My kids wanted to be Jewish so they could get 12 presents.

Where is my Tiara? said...

A couple of "friends" shared your blog on Facebook. My knee jerk reaction was to post a pic of my Elf bent over holding a sign that said, "Hey Elf Haters...Bite Me".

My Elf has zip lined thru the kitchen, bathed in a bowl of marshmallows, and has even drawn a funny face on a picture or two (but he's smarter than a few of your responders.... he uses dry erase. A lot of us pesky creative type moms have those dry erase markers for our calendars.... criminal I tell you!). The end result of our Elf's mischief is hearing my kids cracking up over his antics. It typically takes about 30 seconds to come up with the idea and maybe 30 seconds to execute the plan. Yep. A whole freaking minute. Have I forgotten to move our Elf? Of Course! But contrary to what some of your followers believe, my kids were not traumatized nor did they go out and slash tires. Maybe in 20 years they will discuss the Elf on the Shelf with their therapist but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.... In the meantime, for those of you that think we creative types are scarring our kids and building up their expectations about life and what have you... you may want to consider the medication that the blogger isn't taking. People say Valium like its a bad thing...
I would like to thank the blogger (and author and church goer) for her disclaimer at the beginning of her blog. If it's not my cup of tea, tune out (or rather go away or she'll punch me in the throat). I will heed that advice and not return to this blog. Not out of fear of my throat being punched, but because this blog offers nothing for me. Its mean. And it perpetuates the mean girl persona. I've never actually understood the concept of meanness and its not something I'd subscribe to. So good luck Blogger... peddling your books and meanness and what have you. I'm off to make snow angels with my Elf.

Brian Brunelle said...

Commentary about that woman put me in stitches!!! ROFL!!!!! sounds like elf on the shelf has become an outlet for ansomnia and psychotic behavior......." mommy need a straight jacket"!!!

MarissaKentWhite said...

Oh my gosh, seriously? You want to punch someone in the throat for doing something FUN for their kids when there are parents out there actually HARMING their children. Seems pretty judgmental to me. Who cares what they do w/their time or when they do their laundry? You and I are both sitting on the computer when our kid does...whatever they're doing right now. All you're doing is blogging about it. I say let people let people and stop the judgment.

ccherry71 said...

How rude to tell someone sucks to be your kid grow up....I didn't sense an inferiority complex, just a mom sick of other moms trying to out do each other and writing a very funny article about it....some of us moms really need a good laugh when it comes to this stuff.

Tiemen Staal said...

We had one of these little bastards before they went mainstream and lasted just 1 Christmas. Then it became a hassle. You're in bed and suddenly remember you haven't moved the litle shit yet. F#$%!
Eventually we somehow lost the damn thing. Try explaining that one to the kids! So our was declared deceased in absentie. We had a service, I said something nice. End of story.

Shelly Castaneda said...

It's quite simple, actually. If you don't enjoy something, don't do it. If you do enjoy something, do it.

Why bash other's?

Nellie Caldito said...

Simply dealing with Christmas alone is crazy & hectic, I could only imagine the additional stress moving that "little bastard" around too ~ no gracias!!! SMH!!!

sandra thams said...






Hello everyone I'm Vicky from Canada, my ex husband just came back home three days ago telling me to forget the past that will should come together and build our home again. Thank you so much Helen my friend, for introducing this wonderful spell caster to me Dr Kate Love Spell, he was the the key that could open my door when i was passing through pain when my husband John left me for other young lady,well i don't have much to say but a big thanks to Dr Kate love and Return Spell that he help me to cast. You can also reach him at: katelovespell@hotmail.com

therandomtexan said...

Never mind the contrived Elf Tricks. What kind of message are you sending your kids, that you hired some creepy little bastard from the North Pole to snitch on them throughout the holidays? Hmm, might be a good Xmas blog post, Elf Snitches Get Elf Stiches....

Adolf said...

we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost ... bookshelveswithbaskets.blogspot.com

weaver Atakpo said...

i can't really believe that i am with my Ex-Husband back after when he broke up with me with 4 kids i thank Dr Atakpo of (dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com) for helping me getting back my man back, My Name is Mrs Rhona Cole i am from England and my man name is Mr Alan Cole, my happiness turn to bitterness,my joy turn to sorrow,my love turn to hate when my husband broke up with me last week,i was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, i was so unthinkable and i could not concentrate any more, i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him broke up with me so that he can be able to get marry to the other lady and this lady i think cast a spell on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for,I cry all day and night for God to send me a helped to get back my man until i went to Westmoreland to see a friend and who was having he same problem with me but she latter got her Husband back and i asked her how she was able to get her husband back and she told me that their was a powerful spell caster in Africa name DR ATAKPO that he help with love spell in getting back lost lover's back and i decided to contacted the same Dr Atakpo and he told me what is needed to be done for me to have my man back and i did it although i doubted it but i did it and the Dr told me that i will get the result after 24hours, and he told me that my husband was going to call me by 9pm in my time and i still doubted his word, to my surprise my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much Oh My God i was so happy, and today i am happily with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one good family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr Atakpo of dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that good spell casters still exist and Dr Atakpo is one of the good spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are there and your lover is turning you down, or you have your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore contact the powerful spell caster Dr Atakpo on his email: dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com and he will answer you, i am a living testimony and i will continue to testify of his goodness in my family,he turn my family to paradise and today we are all happy together Dr Atakpo i say thank you in one million times thanks Dr.

katie said...

i think that the word retarded is disgusting and very offensive.

Amber and Andy Ankowski said...

We're with you, Jen. That effing elf is evil.

The Doctor + The Dad

Terry Dade said...

Another one that made me think of you, Jen. Happy New Year!!! http://www.parentsociety.com/parenting/holidays/15-inappropriate-elf-on-the-shelf-pics/

Emil Bouchard said...


I am Emil Bouchard,I want to say thank to Dr Agumagu for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn't believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to do this since I've tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of Dr Agumagu how he help people to get back their ex lover. Dr Agumagu answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. So my story is that I was at my office when the girl I suppose to marry told me that she wasn't in love with me and never will it be and that she didn't want to speak or see me again, especially since she was talking to this other guy. i email Dr Agumagu and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what Dr Agumagu said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell Dr Agumagu have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact him is email address (agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com or agumaguspelltemple@outlook.com tell +2348158847627) and here is my private email bouchardemil@gmail.com. Emil Bouchard

liton said...

আপনি কি ঘরে বসে আয় করতে চান ? তাহলে সাইন আপ করুন। http://eshopori.com/

LED522 said...

No, no, no, no, no! Don't share parts of your new book. I love your Christmas stuff, especially the "Elf" stuff! I'm getting this book for Christmas. There is nothing more frustrating than buying a blogger's book and most of the contents have already been shared. What is the purpose of buying the book if there is no 'found only in Jen's new book!' or you know, the other stuff? P.L.E.A
S.E. I beg of you, for all things Holy & Good!
😢😈😲😞😓

ColSavMama said...

I don't know if this will help, but, I have my cell phone set to scream an alarm at me every day night at 9:30 to remind me to move our elf. Otherwise, I forget. Every single night I'd forget.

kitschiekoo said...

I agree with the comments that the Elf is being naughty not nice so WTF kindof role model is he?! Is Elf reporting back to Santa that the kid laughs at and is tickled by the chaos, and that the kid partook in the antics when he picked up a stray "snowball" (marshamallow) and tossed it at his sister? Sounds like Elf the Enforcer is into entrapment. And are the anxious-type kids hoping that Elf reported back to HQ that they helped clean up? Wow, who knew there was a Claus mafia!

So, overachieving parents, are you unwittingly teaching your kid hypocrisy and double-standards or how to keep their lips zipped, thereby colluding with naughty “friend” Elf in order to get what they want – prized presents…? Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

Julie said...

First of all, love your blog name. Second, you are hilarious. Third, I loathe The Elf. Cheers!

http://alohalovey.com

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