Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask.  I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it.  I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual.  ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star.  Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas.  I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa."  Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa!  As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?  It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf.  Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year.  He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday).  This year we left town and I forgot.  He waited until we came back and then he was ready to join our family.  Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times.  We are always forgetting to move him.  And it should not be difficult.  I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again.  I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked.  "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning."  WTF???  "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree!  Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!!  Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that?  I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree!  All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye?  I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone.  There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior.  People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse.  I read her blog and I got really pissed off.  I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog.  (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf.  ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.  As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1.  Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2.  Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously?  Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs?  The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll.  I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf.  We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him.  When does she do laundry?  When does she work?  And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20.  Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers.  A photograph is not one of those things.  It would take years to undo that damage if I did that.  I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home.  "The Elf did it!"

24.  Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him.  Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf.  So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32.  Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when?  4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another?  And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42.  Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them.  I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that.  I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off.  I'll bookmark that one.

44.  Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64.  Learn multiplication facts.

Huh?  Just set him on the table with flashcards?  I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80.  Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches.  (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93.  Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF?  Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard?  Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog!  Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad.  I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

This is an excerpt from my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Get the entire book here!

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835 comments:

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Unknown said...

This is REALLY funny!!
I've been thinking about getting one of these THEN found my mind lol!

You see you are supposed to buy an elf for every kid in your family so that they can EACH have one when they grow up for their own families!!
I think id rather take the 35-40 bucks PER KID & spend it on the gifts they want now bc by the time they have their own kids someone will have made a robotic elf that moves itself lol!!

Unknown said...

I tell my kids that they must've slept crazy last night then I help them look on the floor &I drop the money out of my hand, point to it &I say LOOK! THERE IT IS SILLY! lol

Tam said...

I know this is an old post, but...c'mon! People like to have fun with an elf that their kids think is goofing around. What's wrong with that and why are you attacking other mom's over such a thing? If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. Some moms have fun with it, and that is great! It's not screwing up anybody's kid, either way.

Just sayin'

MKosmicki said...

Too Too Funny!!! I had no elf growing up and neither did my kids. My Sister-in-law does "elf" for my niece and nephews and so does my Sister. Looked at me like I was depriving my kids because I didn't do "elf".

What-ev.

:-)

Neko said...

Couldn't agree more! BTW, I have a reminder set on my phone at 10:30pm to remind me to move our elf. That's worked awesome for me!

Natmgeorge said...

We have a stuffed snowman, he watches the kids and reports back to Santa each night. He never moves and is a good reminder for them to be good. No elf for us.

Natmgeorge said...

We just have a snowman, he watches and stays in the same spot. Good reminder for the kids to be good, no other effort on my part. :)

Anonymous said...

I know you'll LOVE this: Good Morning America ruins elf on the shelf: http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/gma_blows_secrets_of_elf_Mvzovxg1YWyhG5GLKB6uNN

Leslie said...

We have never had an elf on the shelf...and we never will. ;-)

cmpnp said...

You rock! Not only did you give me a much needed laugh, you made me realize I am not alone in this PIA media driven ridiculousness ;)

Monique said...

LMAO. I didn't know what Elf on a Shelf was until I read this. Will definitely be skipping that. :)

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! This is fantastic! I honestly don't understand the concept of an elf that is supposed to encourage kids to be behave, but is himself vandalizing the house AND that Santa would be cool with the idea.

Thank goodness there are people who don't find the idea of teaching their kids that cleaning the toilet bowl with other people's toothbrushes is funny, BUT only if an elf does it.

Unknown said...

Your comment was VERY funny!!!

Anonymous said...

Get over yourself. Just because your not an overachieving mom, doesn't mean you have to bag on the ones who are. You have your traditions, and we have ours. If it's SUCH a pain, get rid of it and find something you can actually accomplish. And if you stop to actually think for one second, and NOT bitch, you'll realize that there are plenty of CHEAP ways you can pull all this off. Don't want to buy a feather pillow? Fine. Buy a $2 bag of white feathers and stick a few in the pillow. The kids won't know. And there's a reason they have websites for ideas, so you don't HAVE to be creative. So suck it up, shut up, and find something else to do with your holiday.

a said...

Meh, nothing worse than an over-inflated ego. Sucks to be you. But you didn't even make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I've also never understood the naughty elf antics either. Why are my kids behaving if he's acting bad. I can just hear my son arguing about who's going to tell Santa about how badly Elfie behaves. It seems sort of oxymoron-ish. My Elf just moves from one high place to another.

Unknown said...

ha! excellent. i think i like you

JessicaRockwell84 said...

I love this!

Don from Fremont said...

We have a new magical elf at home that is so magical that it takes on the appearance when you are looking at it of a styrofoam cup.

Jody Williams said...

Ha Ha!!! I love it! I'm going to buy all the people I hate an Elf on the Shelf.... I currently do not own one. :-)

Baby Huey said...

I have two toilets in my front yard, Am I double White Trash? I also have a Bathtub!

cmul said...

Our elf's name is Gassy Gus. 'nuff said. :D

Missy said...

Thanks for the laugh, I was literally crying! From one busy mom to another, thank you! :)

L said...

Not knowing all the details behind the elf, I thought it was cute. Then I watched the video on Amazon... How creepy! I wouldn't want to brainwash my child into thinking a doll was watching them. Let's teach our kids how to behave without causing unnecessary psychological harm. No elf for us, thanks.

Tara said...

Too funny! We have no elf, my children's lives are devoid of magic. Oh well.

Unknown said...

THANK YOU! All I can say, at least one "normal" person out there. keep it real....lol!!!!

Pat said...

I have teens so this trend with Elf on the Shelf came about after they were too old for it. In the Danish tradition of my hubby we did always have an invisible elf named Yulie come three days before Christmas. He would leave treats in various places each day if we had left him a small bowl of rice pudding the prior Christmas Eve. If we hadn't he'd play tricks. Once he lined the stairs with Hershey Kisses for a treat and once for a trick he took the kids socks out of the drawer and they were covering bedposts, doorknobs, etc and they had to go around and collect them and put them away which they giggled at the whole time. Anyway, three days is much less stressful and ours is invisible so no movement required! LOL!

Unknown said...

Come over. I'll make you coffee and we'll put some Bailey's in it. THANK YOU.

Last year my daughter tied the elf up and stuck her back in the box.

Unknown said...

Give me a break, if the 101 Elfie woman can't take a little criticism she shouldn't post things publicly on the internet. And taking all her posts down after the fact, is sore-loser ridiculousness.

Jaime said...

Exactly why would it suck to be her kid? I've raised three fantastic people without all this kind of overachieving stupidity.

The kids I know who were raised by neurotic parents always working to be the'best', have 'everything' and believe that the sun shines out of their children's asses, are generally whiney, unhappy, rude, insufferable jackasses with little to contribute when anything isn't about them.

Forget elf antics. Take all the time you'd waste on the elf and cuddle, kiss, tickle, build a pillow and blanket fort, share your favorite book, movie, game, childhood memory.

The Elf's only value is as a scare tactic. Scare tactics are important.

This article is brilliant.

Deb said...

I cannot remember when I laughed so hard! You are right on and you write it so very well. Thanks for a wonderful set of belly laughs this morning.

Next column -- Mommies who up the Advent Calendar ante. We've already "upgraded" from the crappy chocolate one to needing to fill a little box with some unexpected treat or treasure for 24 days, but yesterday my kid's friend says that they get to do a treasure hunt each morning because the advent calender only has the CLUES in it and then they get to do a hunt for the actual treat. Uh huh....cause when I'm already forgetting to fill the darn calendar each night (after moving the elf, of course), what I REALLY need to do is to add the extra step of a "finding clue" and find a place to hide the advent treats. Thanks alot Advent Escalation Mom!

Sue said...

I love it! I don't get lying to your kids to get them to behave...just make them respect you and you don't have to bribe them lol....BUT if I had an elf he better be CLEANING my house and not destroying it! Teach my kids THAT! lol

Unknown said...

I have a question... how are you supposed to teach your kid to be good when the darned Elf is doing naughty things? Just wondering!

Julie McColley said...

You are my new fave mom! Best article ever!!!

Unknown said...

I LOVED this! I am NEVER doing elf on the shelf. Not because I hate my children or family traditions, but because I hate that creepy little fuck. No kidding, I imagine that he magically masturbates in nooks and crannies of homes at night. Freaks me the fuck out. I had to share this post over at my page: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/notappropriate4 Thanks for this awesome post!

Unknown said...

Can I just say that yes the lady writing the blog is crazy, but you are just unhappy and lazy (and writing a blog about it)! You are complaining about moving an elf to different shelves and spots in your house? Me and my wife work full time, have one elf, and move him daily while our kid is at school, or over night when he goes to sleep, It's called "time management".
Yes your kids will grow up fine without an "elf on a shelf" but have some fun damn it!! Do u have no child left inside of you? Do you not get any enjoyment out of seeing how confused and happy your children get over the idea of there being a real elf in your house? All i'm saying is that you have way to much built up aggression and should be expressing it in other ways than being upset that some housewives that are wealthier than you have been spending all their free time making messes for themselves to clean up, blaming it on an elf, and bragging about it online. (also if you want a $400 Lego set for your kid, you should save a little every month rather than wait till your last couple paychecks to make Christmas happen. Didn't you figure out how your parents did it yet?)

Merry Christmas!!

p.s. (i'm a blue collar worker just like you)
;-)

Unknown said...

LMAO! That would so ROCK!! haha

Unknown said...

we're poor as shit with 3 kids and nowhere near as bitter as you dear writer...quit taking your cues from half baked sitcom parents and man the fuck up.

vocatio said...

No $#!*
Psycho mom's with poor concepts of good parenting determined to created the next generation of overbearing overachiever narcissists. In the world of psychology this is called "mentally ill". I may be on meds, but I have good reasons to be...PTSD. I'd probably stap the Elf on a Shelf in plastic and lay out my best set of knives... DEXTER Style! Oh brother. Give me a break.

Amanda said...

Did you see she changed #93 from the toilet one to "Punch a stuffed animal in the throat." lol

Caleb's Mama said...

Totally agree AmyG!

Anonymous said...

You are my new favorite person. This title will not last long, but feel honored. I always wonder who had time to keep up with stuff like this. In Kindergartern my daughter's teacher made them make a "Treasure Box" for the leprechaun to fill on St. Patty's Day. I did it that one year and every year after my daughter kept asking about that stupid leprechaun! Thanks so much overly-enthusiastic-teacher-who-obviously-has-no-children-of-her-own! Aaaarrrggghh!

Unknown said...

Yes, thank you! Most of the ideas that the" over acheiver moms". posted were really far fetched! These ideas are also teaching kids its ok to do bad things! The purpose of the elf is to provide magic and goodness not how to be naughty! If kids believe its ok for their elf to be naughty then they will believe its ok for them to be naughty! Us normal moms should come up with a simple yet funny good list of things for our elves to do!

Anonymous said...

As someone who does take meds, that woman should get some fucking therapy AND MEDS. I take meds so I DON'T do shit like that. Cos it's wrong.

Anonymous said...

If that woman took meds, she wouldn't have done all these things. Fuck, I didn't even know about Elf on the Shelf. Who the fuck has time to do all these things?

Anonymous said...

And apologies, I didn't realize that the first one had gone through. Feel free to delete whichever comments seem worthy. :D

Mojo said...

I'd never heard of the Elf on the Shelf until today and after this, I'm not going anywhere near him/her/it. Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown said...

BETTER yet. Take advantage of all the nut jobs who have time for all these things and post pictures on their bubbly blogs. Leave elf on the shelf and have him hold different pictures of his "night time" adventures. Busy mom trick #101.

Lisa said...

Thank you so much for the laugh I have thinking the same thing. My elf barely makes it to the next location, I am constantly telling my kids that he really likes it there because he can watch you better, things like that. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face, my husband is looking at me like I have lost my mind but your blog is hysterical....thanks again and Merry christmas!!!

WindlePoons said...

Good Doggie...
http://www.dogshaming.com/2012/12/christmas-curmudgeon/

Meleroo said...

This totally made me laugh. I took one look at the elf on the shelf in the store and thought "creepy." I certainly agree that if the elf left feathers all over my house he would be back in the box and shipped back to the north pole asap. I know people who do advent calendars but the chocolates weren't enough so they get little gifts in their advent calendars like ipods and name brand clothes. Adulthood is going to be hard on those kids.

Barry Kidd Photography said...

I had never heard of or saw this thing till last Christmas. Keep in mind that I'm bushing 50 years old!

Anyway, my brother and his wife had one of these and were moving it all over every night and used it as a "threat" in a some what non cruel and fun way.

This particular elf, I prefer to call him a creepy little bastard, did not do strange unruly things. He just sat there. What he did do however was flat out creep me out. (A cold shiver runs up my spine like flash backs form the war.)

Creepy or not reading your post has added a great deal of humor to the whole horrible elf thing and I feel certain that I'll no longer have "those nightmares" thank to your excellent therapy.

Barry

www.barrykidd.com

Unknown said...

I don't understand why the elf that is supposed to be making children be good or else he will tell Santa would be doing bad things!? I feel that my sister would then do it and then be like well the elf did it so why can't I!

Susanne Remic said...

hahahaha I LOVE this post!!! I HAVE to have your book right now! :-D

Susanne Remic said...

aaaghh! I can't buy your book as I'm in the UK :(

*Tanyetta* said...

TOO FUNNY!!

Jen Piwtpitt said...

You can order my book for Amazon.uk. They have it ready to print. Hope you enjoy it.

augusta61 said...

THAT is classic! Just wait till your kids are older and know the truth. Then you can do it as a joke!

Phil and Rhea said...

And, I think that haters are always going to hate..... : )

Phil and Rhea said...

And, I think haters are always going to hate. So, hate on....hate on : )

Lady Goo Goo Gaga said...


OMg - I soo wanted to make fun of the elf moms but i was too scared of them...Good work! LOL

PLBecks said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a while! AWESOME STUFF! Thanks for the awesome laugh!

PLBecks said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks for the awesome post!

shannonw said...

Great post I find it so funny! I am a Mom who moves my elf, forgets to move, and does some fun things too. But those who don't it's FINE. like Santa and what he brings. In Some peoples homes he brings everything, in others he brings one big thing and in some homes nothing :( u teach your kids not to talk about it Just for this reason and they will all believe longer.

Unknown said...

That was totally me as a child after I found out. I was more upset my mom had lied to me than anything.

Unknown said...

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! I would do that too, if I had an elf & a barbie house - already have the decapitateded barbies.

Boris Kitty said...

LUV IT!

mommy101 said...

Thank you both. I do not own an elf on the shelf. I have twin girls who are 7 and a 3 month old. When my daughters ask why we do not have an elf I use the overachievers naughty elf pictures and say " this is why we don't have an elf". I know I would forget to move him as I passed out on the couch after a full day at work, helping the kids with homework, cooking, cleaning, then taking care of the torture device that is my three month old. I will not lie the tooth fairy has been late quite a few times. She has a reputation at our house for partying too hard then passing out. Does this make me a bad parent absolutely not. My children will just inherit my twisted sense of Hummer and pass it on to their children. So yes use your child's barbie car to run that damn elf over or let your children find him in the oven , even caught in the garbage disposal. Then tell them he has to go back to the hospital at the north pole. You can do it the first day he comes out every year and explain to the kids that they have the clumsy elf. Then you only have to move him once and done, guarantee the kids will remember too.

Lizzie said...

BAHAHAHA!! You need to check out Bunkhouse Blossom's page! 44 and 93 have been edited!!

MotherMonkee said...

I laughed so hard I cried (and peed a little)!!

Anonymous said...

What the hell is an Elf on the Shelf? Is this some kind of upper middle class too-much-time-on-her-hands suburban mom thing?

Unknown said...

Yeah, lol, I feel the same way. I suck at elf on the shelf ideas and usually when I try to copy the elf ninja moms I just mess it up and everything blows up into a big disaster lol. I wrote a blog post about it at http://toddlerapocalypse.com/elf-on-the-shelf-ideas/

Shane
ToddlerApocalypse.com

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog from pinterest and thought this site cant be real.This is hilarious, since Ive been reading more and more mom blogs I am beginning to realise that real moms still exist in the US. Hope I'm brave enough one day to say what I really want to in my blogs.

Keesha Sparkle said...

OMG! Thank you! I was so SICK of seeing these perfect Mommy posts on Facebook.I thought I was alone.. These women are INSANE.. BONKERS & BANANAS... I am lucky to put matching socks on all of my kids everyday! Sheesh! Idiot elf on the shelf.. I was glad to bake a couple of batches of Christmas cookies this year ;-)

Unknown said...

Terrible.Those are great ideas,so shut your mouth.

Comitessa de Luna said...

Okay, I can't remember where I got the link to this from and obviously I'm two years late but holy shit I just laughed for about 10 minutes. You are awesome.

Unknown said...

I Love your blog. I love your honesty and humor. I love your book and have an autographed copy. I relate to your stories very well. Which brings me to the elf on the shelf. Some years ago I was introduced to the creepy little thing. Before I go any further, I am always accused of being too outspoken. Well, two sons have the creepy little red thing, but I don't say anything because of their wives. On the other hand I don't care what I say to my daughter, because it's like looking in the mirror. I asked her why she did not have an EOTS. She said hell no, it's creepy. I smiled and said thank god the dumb thing doesn't even have hands or feet. It has nubs, nubs nubs. My daughter recently found a new App called Santa Spy Cam that has real elves. I am usually a skeptic, but this App is absolutely awesome. My daughter has been sending me video after video of real elves showing up in their house. I downloaded this and have been having a ball with it. It's so realistic it blows away the EOTS! You just gota try the Santa Spy Cam App.

Becki said...

Did you see #93? She replaced one of the ideas with a shout-out to you.

TheRoseMom said...

http://www.karaspartyideas.com/2012/12/elf-on-the-shelf-north-pole-breakfast.html

Bahahaha.....this fab mom is on my over achiever list!

Unknown said...

I must be the only Mom that has never heard of the "Elf On The Shelf" until this year when another fellow mom was looking for a blonde-haired one. I don't get it! Santa is watching...we tell our son. And, ironically, on the Family Channel on tv...in the bottom corner of the screen...sometimes a Santa Claus appears. My son sees it, and my hubby & I act like we didn't/don't see it...it works everytime!

Unknown said...

Am I the only one pissed off at the implication that us moms that maybe stay up a little later during the holidays to provide a little extra holiday fun for our kids are drugged up alcoholics? I have three children, three dogs, a full time job, just finished my second bachelors degree after 6 years in school and I am cyrrently studying to take all 4 parts of the CPA exam in the next 3 months. I may have some serious bags under my eyes and feel like I have been run over by a Mack truck most mornings, but I am a mom, and thats what we do. I dont need pills and alcohol to move an Elf every night for 25 days. I forget sometimes too...get over it and move on. Or better yet get rid of it if you hate it so much. Parent your way...but dont insult us other "regular" moms who MAKE time rather than griping about it. Hey, I bet you could have moved the elf 25 times in the time it took you to write this insulting post...

truthhurts said...

We have an elf and are proud members of the so called club. Though admittedly, it is a bit of a pain in the ass to deal with each night, but our son's reaction each morning is totally worth it. But go ahead and belittle others' beliefs just because they don't align with your own. Your level of sarcasm and ill towards others is totally epic...I just wish you could find a way to use your sarcasm for good instead of evil. Going through life miserable, mocking others is no way to live. Good luck with that and Merry Christmas!

truthhurts said...

Amen. This chick is either bat shit crazy or just a really horrible and lazy Mom.

Unknown said...

This was awesome. I am glad to know that I am not the only one that feels this way about that stupid elf.

Unknown said...

Its really not that hard to be creative with your elf. I'm a working mom and am currently 7 months pregnant and even with that I still find a little time each night to set something cute up. Only takes 5 min 7 min tops to set the elf up. Seems to me like your jelous of the moms who make time to do special things for their kids.

Unknown said...

Remember your children are only small once. You will look back and they will be gone and on their own. Too many parents are more worried about themselves and the lose of their personal time they short their children on valuable memories. Hold each moment as special. OH by the way I am a mother and my children are grown....I have grandchildren and cherish my memories.....

brittnabby said...

Amen!

Unknown said...

It's called reality! By using the words "inferiority, complex, personified, and guffaw, it apparently sucks to be your kid!!!

Jeanene said...

My 17 year old just entered the room to me maniacally cackling at #42...who needs an Elf to scare them???! ;-)

AngB said...

Elves are creepy, just like the dolls with souless eyes that blink and ventriloquist dummies..lol I am also not fond of marionettes.. Great article!

Gerta said...

I was having this exact same conversation with my teenager last night. She thinks an elf would be an excuse to prank each other in our house. My husband would probably be the recipient of some rude elf behavior.

Anonymous said...

I am a regular mom, I work a full time job, I have three kids, and both my husband and I are in law enforcement. I do not consider myself an overachiever, but as you pointed out my kids do not get the big extravagant presents and are never the first of their friends to get the "new it toy". I take that to heart. I am a college graduate and make less money than some high school drop outs, but it was my choice to go into law enforcement. I save all year long to be able to buy my kids normal Christmas presents, but it is my choice, just like the adventures our elf goes on. I set my alarm to wake me up earlier everyday to make sure that our elf surprises my kids. It is b/c of the other things I am unable to do for them, that I do the things I am able to do for them even better. Once again it is a personal choice. I do not look down on others whose choices are different, and I am not medicated (sometimes I do wish I was thought). BTW I'd love for someone to try and punch me in the throat!

jarjar said...

I remember when just the threat of Santa was enough when I was a kid. Not sure if anyone noted this but yes, that woman is freakin insane, shave your dog? She must be from Florida or some crap, around here if you shaved your dog in winter you could get reported for animal abuse, way to encourage the kids to abuse animals. Just a suggestion for that nutcase with the 101 ideas, and you busy unmedicated moms. Why not just do the usual housework and like hang him from the broom or on top of a folded basket of clothes, then tell the kids that he's telling them he wants them to help mom around the house. That way there's no extra work and you can teach the little rug rats to do chores at the same time, no reason not to start out small. Even little things like wiping off the table, (leave him on the table with a wash rag) just a random thought....

mnm92275 said...

I laughed so hard my juice came out of my nose lol. We didn't have Elf on a shelf when we were little, we have to behave because are parents told us to not because some elf would run and tell Santa lol.

Unknown said...

pahahaha...i like your thinking!!!!

Unknown said...

I must be a really lazy Mom because my elves just sit on the mantle for a month! They're "watching for Santa and reporting back"!

Unknown said...

This is freakin hikarious love it I think the same thing its called elf on the self not elf that does stunts

Tiffers said...

Our elf is still in the box, in the attic....guess I am an underachiever. What I don't understand is why the elf is doing bad things. I thought the idea was to teach the child to be good, not bad.

Unknown said...

<3 you are so right

Unknown said...

Yay!!!!

Unknown said...

Yes! That would be awesome! Better yet, it could be Ken as Dexter and Elf tied up with saran wrap.

Unknown said...

Thank you! I don't see why people are so negative on mom's who do this. I'm a single mom who works 40+ hours a week and I'm taking 10 semester hours. It takes me less than 5 min each night and it's fun/funny to see or hear what my little one thinks in the morning. Worth it.

Unknown said...

Omg! I died laughing! I am not even doing the elf! Too much lies!

Wes and Dani said...

Haha, love this comment. :)

Unknown said...

Hilarious! I'm laughing my arse!!!

Unknown said...

Totally! Santa is enough action to keep up with!

Unknown said...

No elf in my house either... Although I have a childhood ornament that my daughter would like to think is it...NOT

Unknown said...

I don't do the elf thing. I'm doing good to get the stinkin' Christmas tree up. Last year I didn't even put ornaments on it. I thought it was perfect with it's already lit branches (well, most of the lights worked), some ribbon cascading down and an angel on top. I thought it was gorgeous :) Kids could care less. This year, I got it that far, handed them the ornaments box and said "go for it" It's ugly as sin but they love it and who else is the tree for? US! Personally, I don't need an elf to keep my kids in line...and I really hate when folks use Santa will give you coal...to convince their kids to do the right thing? What about the other 11 months of the year? What do they use then...the monster under the bed? Don't get me wrong...I LOVE Christmas...but the over achieving stuff like who has the best tree, the naughtiest elf and most gorgeous cookies thing isn't part of our family holiday. Because all that is really for the moms...so they can take pics and put on fb. I know I am a great mom...I don't need "likes" on fb to prove how great I am. Now...having said that, I have LOTS of friends that do all this and I love them dearly...more power to them...it's just not me.

Brandi Albon said...

I completely agree with you.

Brandi Albon said...

I completely agree with you.

CMarchbanks said...

No Elf at our house... Why??? Because Santa only sends Elves to houses where the children have to be watched because they misbehave... they are there to report back any bad behavior.... and there is no bad behavior at our house.... therefore no naughty behaving elves to have to clean up behind.. because that is just pure BS... i have enough to clean up behind with 2 children and a husband.... But all you over-achieving, nothing better to do every night, living in a who knows what kind of world, keep it up... there are plenty of other GOOD traditions to teach your children that do NOT require crazy foolishiness and will still TEACH your children how to behave and be kind to others like they should....

Anonymous said...

HaHa... This is funny shit and exactly my thoughts!!! SOOOO glad someone said it out loud!!!

Norma Gomez said...

LMAO, LOVE IT!! My thoughts exactly, no elf in this house ;D. Well it helps that my youngest is now in middle school too but I just can't see keeping up with that thing, lol. I'm STILL trying to get my tree up! Take Care!

BlessedMommy22 said...

You are my hero.

Laura said...

OMG that is exactly how I feel!!!! Don't feel bad--I've forgotten to move the damn elf on more than one occasion...to the point that I am surprising myself with the lies I spin when the kids say --hey he didn't move---

equineobsessed said...

Haha Jen! I have resisted the dumb elf on the shelf - I know better. Only because I have been the victim of the dreaded Advent Calendar for the last 26 years. When My oldest was a toddler, we started the cute tradition of filling each pocket overnight from the "elves" for my daughter, and then son. Fun. NO, nightmare. I forget regularly and my favorite husband sometimes reminds me, sometimes not. Or one of us remembers in the middle of the night. Or, one of us has gone to bed and the stash in a noisy plastic bag in the bedroom. Or, we both sleep through and the KIDS wake up and discover..... the Elves FOR GOT. Then, when my daughter was 12, I had twins. The tradition will NEVER end. And providing trinkets or candy for the high school child gets harder and more expensive every year. And I am older and have a hard time staying up late enough to do my duty. You get the idea. So, I escaped the elf and have NO intention of letting one in my house. But it doesn't matter. I am still DOOMED. For another 3 years until, hopefully, "they" will be in college and I will be off the hook. Whew. You might think 9th graders would let it go. No. We missed Dec. 1 since it was still thanksgiving. "They" dug out the calendar (I didn't know where it was, but they did), and wondered if the Elves would make up for our mistake. Dumb elves - they did. Merry Season. Cathy ( http://yayariders.wordpress.com/ )

Unknown said...

just because you're too lazy to do anything special with this, does not mean that those who aren't as lazy as you are "psycho" or anything as negative as to what you wrote. get off your high horse and mind your own parenting instead of judging others.

Unknown said...

Thank you for being amazing. You are real, hilarious and this was by far the best thing I've read online all year!!!!

jenn o said...

This (and the fact that my daughter would be in therapy and sleeping with us until she was 17 if she thought we had an elf that came to life and creeped around the house at night) is precisely why Santa will never 'send' us am elf.

Nic Bond said...

Ok seriously my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I totally relate to this in its entirety! Thank you!

K Facundo said...

If my parents did something that elaborate with a doll when we were kids, and told me about it today, I would be like "What was wrong with you guys? Seriously? Couldn't you have just spent time with me?" I would definitely think it's a little strange lol :P

katiegirl said...

You are my new favorite person EVER!!! Cracking up laughing. 42 was the best! Thanks :_ I didnt even know what Elf on the Shelf was until two weeks ago... oops. Guess Im in the slacker department!

robertc812 said...

Please do that one and post a pic I would love to see that

Aimee said...

Huh. Do you go through your life feeling that anyone who does anything better than you is just an overachiever? That must be fun.

Unknown said...

i don't get you guys i would love to have one and to get in the Christmas spirit and 101 is so you have years of ideas if you have 25 it's like im screwed this person loved there children enough to do this for havens sake she's a saint

Gayle Carline said...

Wow, am I glad that my son is 21 now and I wasn't peer-pressured into any elves on any shelves. Naughty, nice, I don't care. They're creepy. I could imagine a little army of them coming down through the chimney to murder people in their sleep. I may not sleep tonight.

BTW, about the Santa thing: my brother used to tell his kids that Santa does bring them toys, but he sends Dad the bill, so they could only ask for what Dad could afford. Useful.

Unknown said...

This is just freaking hilarious...I laughed my ass off at 6:13 am and will every time I see an "Elf" from now on Thanks :)

Unknown said...

We don't have this most coveted elf on the shelf. I've read about it on several different web locations and find it to be counterproductive. I think it sends a bad message if you are having your elf do naughty and mischevious things. I thought the significant aspect of this elf was to keep tabs on whether each kid was being good. What a bad example to have the elf do something naughty... aren't they supposed to be good and kind? I could u derstand if we were talking about wee little leprechauns... but elves... really? I don't get the point of the bad ideas. Instead, if you're going to put a lot of effort into it... why not have him do something thoughtful and considerate. For instance... if one or more of the kids did something especially good... maybe the elf could have a note from Santa praising his good acts. If the elf is going to bake .. and you really just don't feel like cleaning up... have him write a note apologizing for the mess but explain that he wanted to do something kind for the kids. I don't know.. just seems like a more productive thing because then they have a good role model who praises their good works...

Germania said...

I don't do 'elf on the shelf' and this year is the first time I've heard of it! But I've been seeing other people post pictures where the 'elf' makes a huge mess and I though, "Why would you do that? YOU'RE the one that will have to clean it up!" Love your story :)

Nicole S. said...

Please, please, please do not buy another Elf. Be part of the solution to the mommy over-achievers wars!

Unknown said...

Isn't the elf there for the purpose of teaching your children to BEHAVE?Why would he be caught doing naughty things? I feel like the moms who make the elf do bad things are completely going against the idea of having an elf from SANTA!!! LOVE your ranting. It made me feel like I'm not alone!! :-) Gave me a good laugh too!!

Unknown said...

I say find something more important to bitch about.

Unknown said...

On the days our Elf doesn't move (I forget), I tell the kids it was because they were so bad that day he didn't want to go back and give Santa a bad report. Even if I didn't see them doing something, I tell them he sees everything...lol keeps them in line and covers my butt! It is fun-I enjoy when the kids find him and try and guess why he's in a certain spot...he spends a lot of time in the kitchen so he can make sure my littlest one eats his meals.... :P

jemma4 said...

@trocar.trainee, thank you so much for your response for the Dexter idea. I needed a full-on belly laugh, coffee coming out my nose start to the day. Hilarious!

Unknown said...

I like the way you think!

Unknown said...

Maybe you shouldn't blame another parent for making your lies less effective. That's like getting mad at friend B for telling friend A the secret you weren't supposed to tell friend B to begin with. Furthermore, if what other parents do with a creepy little stuffed toy is what makes you want to punch someone in the throat, you have totally f*cked priorities.

rgbusymom23 said...

Thank you for being a normal mom. I haven't even put up the damn tree yet this year!

Shoe Maven said...

Thought you could use a chuckle with these R-rated Elf on the Shelf examples http://boobooville.blogspot.com/2013/12/holiday-insanity-like-whoa.html

Anonymous said...

Enough is Enough!!! Come at me bro! Wanna punch me in the throat because I do my laundry, I cook a meal, and I love and raise my 5 children under 7 yrs old BY MYSELF WHILE MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN FOR A YEAR, and still have to time to "overachieve" our Elf on the Shelf and make sure our kids get the most out of that amazing Elf and the amazing holiday of Christmas!!! Yep I went there... I could have wrote an entire blog entry like you did, but I think I hit the main points. I'm not sry I don't just sit my elf on a stupid shelf, but I am sry instead of taking the time to apply some of the creative ideas out there with the Elf, you decided to take the time to write an entire entry about those of us who are Elfing It Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cindy Haebler said...

Thank you for this! I was feeling guilty because of some of the pics I had viewed on FB of friends and their elves. I wanted to comment something heinous and then quickly unfriend them - then claim that my kids had gotten into my FB account.

Tara said...

I'm a non-elf owning mom, and I'm just curious how the whole elf bit still flies. I'm quite certain my kid would have figured out pretty quickly that the elf wasn't sent by Santa, but rather, came from the giant displays of Elves on the Shelves at every store in the country.

Debra Howard said...

Wow! I get that you don't want to do the elf (I wouldn't have even started it) but why hate on others who do? It seems you are giving others way too much power over your life if you feel you have to do it because other moms do. I understand the pressure that one feels when faced with what other moms do but I finally decided that I didn't care what "they" think. Especially when I couldn't really define who "they"were. I don't imagine that poor Blossom cares one whit whether you do the elf or not. She was probably trying to make some extra money for her family by writing the book. Kudos to her. Sadness for you that you feel such acid hatred for others when truly it is yourself that you are hating. You are NOT junk, you Are of great value and I believe you are better than this post shows. Rise up out of the muck and find the woman who is a great mom and doesn't need to be a slave to some dumb elf. Make your own roads and don't let what others do define you. Your kids will thank you for teaching them your way and for showing them they don't have to or even want to be like everyone else as well as respecting others by not hating on them for their ways. You can do it. I believe you can and I will cheer you on till you make it.

Jes said...

hilarious! thank god my kids are too old for this... lol

Unknown said...

Hahaha. That lady you wrote this about read this. She mentioned you in the scarf knitting idea "#44 knit a scarf or hat. Not literally, Jen. Come on." and she also changed #93 to: "punch stuffed animal in the throat." I think you hit a nerve talking shit about her backup toilet lmao

Neula said...

Want to really creep your kids out? Buy like 20 elves and stick them everywhere. Then the kids will think he's stalking them. Lol

ast said...

I wonder if you know she called you out on her blog, about knitting a hat. Lol

Catherine said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Catherine said...

I"m an older woman, 52...and I totally agree. I have a granddaughter now, she's 8..and she asked me where my Elf was, cuz her Grandma does that. I told I think the Elf is stupid and ugly. She got a sad look on her face.

Anonymous said...

I agree!

Unknown said...

You had me up until "her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog" and your sarcasm step over into just plain offensive. Da-fuq? Not necessary. I don't read this chick Blossom's blog, I don't know her and I'd be willing to bet most of you don't know her either so who are we to say she's not "regular". All I do know is I would much rather my kid suffer from the issues her kids might, and emphasis on might because who the fuck are we to know, than worry about whether he'll learn my own bad habit of using his inferiority complex to bitch about and call other people names because it happens to make me feel better and gets me a bunch of comments on my blog.

BLC said...

My kids got one 2 years ago. Last year they found out about Santa, but still want me to put "Chris" out. I have the same problem that you do. I forget to move him or can't think of a good place. I started this year, moving him in the morning before waking the kids up. I personally think making an elf do something naughty is wrong. Like, you said, it's teaching our kids that it's ok to do bad. But, doesn't Santa not give gifts to naughty kids? Then why make our elves do bad things? I don't get it. I haven't and wont do it. But, here are some of my ideas, if you need help. I've put him in the bathroom (to make sure they are brushing their teeth properly), the fruit basket (to remind the kids to eat a healthy snack), in the fridge on top of their lunch kits (to wish them a good day). I've wrote a quick note that told them that Santa (now me), see's what a good job they are doing and I make "Chris" hold it. I've hid him in the peppermint container sitting on my coffee table. I told the kids that he wanted a mint bath. LOL. I've placed him in their stockings, because he wants to play peek-a-bo. I also have hung him upside down from the ceiling fan pull string. I told the kids that Santa must want a different view of things. Today, he's hanging from the grandfather clock, to remind the kids to check the time. Tomorrow he will be hiding in the flowers in my hallway. Other ideas are, placing him on your dash in your vehicle, next to the kids homework, or even amongst the cut off wrapping paper and bows on the day that you wrap the gifts. Being a working mom is hard, I know. But I have faith that you can do it. =)

Unknown said...

My parents never did this. To be honest I am happy. That Elf is one creepy looking character. I remember locking away a troll doll because he was creepy looking and I thought he was going to get me :P

Unknown said...

Finally a reply I agree with!!! We have a great time with it without causing any damage to home or kids mental health. Our kids search every morning before they r even fully awake! promotes imagination and family fun!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh swell - last in line at 756...and two years late. I'm too old to have gotten in on the Elf craze. I'm sure my kids will have to put up with it. Sounds as irritating as the Gymboree clown that still haunts my nightmares. Anyway - great column - I love to rant too. Stop by sometime.
http://acaliforniadudeinharvardsquarecourt.wordpress.com/

Heather Bragg said...

I have a friend that when she forgets to move the elf, she tells her kids that the elf must have seen what they did and is giving them a chance to do good today in order to give a good report to Santa. Now that is true parenting genius.

Unknown said...

I am glad to see I am not the only one who has the elf do something fun or naughty. Some of these women are hating hard, however some of the stuff I do only takes a couple of minutes and seeing the looks on my daughters face is worth that couple of minutes I stole from the laundry or dishes.

Unknown said...

Here's the beauty of all of this....who really cares if someone is doing more or less with their elf!? Let's get real...not everyone is creative, has the time or energy to move the elf everyday or wants to do it period. I am one of the moms who you would want to slap bc I've done some messy stuff and plasn to make even bigger messes a little later. I'm having a blast with it! However, I don't look down upon the moms who don't feel the need to go all out. Just do what suits your family. Quit worrying about what other moms are doing...be you. As far as feeling inadequate bc others are doing more, that's plain ridiculous. I wish moms everywhere would quit trying to live up to some insane standard that doesn't work with all families. So another mom makes cute messes with their elf and their kids love it...I'm sure you rock in other ways! Do what works for you and yours...your children will not be scarred either way.

Unknown said...

i mean tbh I think you should relax... your kids will thank you when they're grown up

J said...

OMG, I am literally LOL because our poor Elf oversleeps and doesn't get to fly home. And one day She actually "caught" me trying to put him in her stuffed animal hammock. She said "what is that behind you?" ... Me..."I don't know what you are talking about." Her.."I swear I just saw part of Jingles. I saw his hat mommy. I saw it in your hand. He was still in the bathroom when I woke up and now he is gone." As she is following me around the house with my LUMP in my shirt that is Jingles. "Sweetie, Really I don't know what you are talking about but if you don't quit bothering me and go clean your room, Jingles and I will have a Heart to heart when I see him." I'm LMAO at the fact, Jingles is between my boobs and we were already having a heart to heart. LOL MOST AWESOME post I've read in a while. Thanks for the laugh.

Unknown said...

I told my son, after his classroom got and elf, that our two dogs would kill it, so we could never have an elf on the stupid shelf! hahah

Unknown said...

Ive got better things to do in my life and besides the teachers at school are already doing the elf on the shelf. He's having fun going to school to see that. Soo no need for me to do it too.

KLC said...

My niece's elf eats marshmallows dipped in syrup. Screw that. Marshmallows are only good with chocolate and I dislike syrup. Sorry to my kid, that's not gonna happen.

Unknown said...

I think the idea of the Elf on a Shelf is scarily manipulative. What are you trying to teach your kids? That people do good things for material rewards such as Lego Death Stars? What do you expect them to do when they figure out the the 'Elf on a Shelf' is not a real thing, but in fact another way to control them? I tell you, it'll cause a heck of a lot of distrust between you and your kids when they grow up. And at that point, there will be no grown-up version of an elf on the shelf, nothing within them that will stop them from what they want to do. Maybe I'm only saying this because I'm a childless 15-year-old who remembers their own childhood too much, maybe I will disagree with this when/if I have children, but I think your kids should learn to be obedient based on morals, not paranoia.

AmberFaith said...

I just fell in love with you. Seriously. I'd totally let you terrorize our kids in this manner! LOL

AmberFaith said...

I have no idea what this whole Elf on a Shelf thing is all about, but this made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that.

Unknown said...

@Scribe - That sounds pretty funny. I tried to read your blog, or at least I tried to read whatever blog your link goes to, but it looks like I need an invitation to access that link. Just thought you might like to know.

Unknown said...

if you all feel inferior its on you. i dont do anything like that. i dont even HAVE an elf, i dont feel bad at all. i think its fun. i wouldnt be able to keep up with it, but i love seeing the pictures

Kristine said...

Thank you! I am so sick of seeing facebook posts from fellow moms having their Elves do all sorts of fancy things. I'm not cleaning up all these messes! I think the whole thing is stupid and we only got one this year. And what's more annoying is seeing everyone post pictures each day of what they're elf was doing. Ugh!

Unknown said...

now this is one elf idea that I am in love with!

kristiemarie518 said...

I do the elf, even though I find it a little creepy. My kid begged me for one. So we put in the request with Santa and she showed up. I do things every night but they aren't messy or naughty. Like put her in one of my kids doll outfits, have her riding in her doll bus. I'm not cleaning up flour all over from "snow" angels. It's part of the Christmas magic but like everything Christmas, there are some that just go overboard. I do it because I enjoy the look on my daughters face. I'm not going to stress myself out over it that I'm not "doing it right". How you do it in your home and feel comfortable doing it is the right way. Funny shit though.

Anonymous said...

No offense, guys, but I am not an Elf on the Shelf mom. I think they are freakin creepy. I had recurring nightmares as a kid of this very little elf except dressed in black. He would hide around corners and watch me, and in the nightmares i couldn't convince my mom he was evil! Lol. No thank you.

Toni said...

So I looked at Blossom Bunkhouse's North Pole Breakfast and noticed her kids look perfect when they wake up. The girl's hair was perfectly styled with a flower barrette in it and the boy's was perfectly combed. They didn't even make a mess eating powdered donuts. Seriously? That is a woman that has got to be miserable trying to show off her perfect little family and life. Whatever. It's not real. She will melt down eventually and it won't be pretty.

Unknown said...

OMG!!! LMAO.
perfect perfect…. you should be a writer too!

Unknown said...

Hilarious. But hey, I don't want to judge another mom who wants to go all Type A on the Elf thing for her kids merry wonderment, but I do think it sends a mixed message. An Elf that is supposed to be watching your children and reporting to Santa - but he's getting up to trouble? whattheactualfuck? How on earth does that makes sense?
Besides, I don't need to lie or bully my children into behaving well: I PARENT. I mean really: who has ever Not given their child a present at Christmas because they didn't behave properly? anyone? No. We give gifts out of love. And, really - knock your elf lovin self out if you like - but I think love should be unconditional.

Unknown said...

I just had to ask my 13 year old if I have to put money away for therapy since he has never had an Elf on a Shelf….I said 'what is an Elf on a Shelf'. Case closed.

Unknown said...

7 year old son: Mommy, can we get an Elf on the Shelf?
Me: What!? Do you know what they do?
Son: No, what?
Me: They watch you all day & then tell on you to Santa if you do anything naughty! Do you still want to get one?
Son: No! Maybe that's why we've never gotten coal for Christmas!

madison said...

I have actually managed to convince my children our "elf" is invisible, like the tooth fairy, except he's always watching for bad behavior. That's how cheap & lazy I am.

BuckeyeSara1982 said...

That's what you think. So the Jewish moms don't miss out on all this stress, they now sell "Mensch On A Bench!" (I kid you not)
http://www.themenschonabench.com/

Unknown said...

LMAO! My mom just gave my daughter an elf this year & I already resent the little bastard for adding to my holiday "to do" list.
PS -- Blossom is obviously psychotic. And has a maid. (Who is sleeping with her husband.)

Unknown said...

Why would Santa send us an naughty elf anyway? Elves aren't naughty. . . they are Santa's helpers. That elf wastes food or destroys a pillow and I would be tossing that elf out side - he wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore (and I wouldn't send a toilet out for him either.) And I have four kids - does that mean I am supposed to have four elves? No way!

Anonymous said...

Thank you. That was hysterical. I'll admit I'm guilty of getting creative with our elf, but that's more for me than the kids. Our elf came with a note from Santa saying the kids had to clean up any mischief he created. It's not often I get the opportunity to toilet paper the house and my kids happily clean it up. She's also making up for our lazy Tooth Fairy who sometimes takes 3 days to get here.

Crafts And Activities For Kids said...

OMG, I have never laughed sooo damn hard!

ercatalano said...

Hilarious. Fave line: When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

Unknown said...

I just happened to be looking at this post and another like it. My six year old son, who doesn't have a clue what Elf on the Shelf is, just said, "if that red guy were alive, I would scream". I love my kids, they are smart... very very smart.

Any hint of guilt I may, but didn't, feel regarding having never done this has now been alleviated.

Gina Hannah said...

People! The reason the elf doesn't move sometimes is because the kids misbehaved, don't you know that?

MoonLitCrystal said...

This cracked me up! The elf has turned into a big pissing contest for some people. "Oh yeah? Well, can your elf do *this?*" If I had kids I'm pretty sure I would live in the real world where people don't have time for extravagant elfing every night. (Hell I don't have time for it now, even without kids!) Gotta love the one comment "Must be an inferiority complex." HA! These people are psycho!

Devon said...

Then why bother writing anything...? "No comment" is still a comment when you're not really wanting to comment. Makes no sense.

Q&P Muffin Top said...

Thanks for the hilarious laugh. I nearly choked on my coffee!! This thing is evil, creepy, and I think this "tradition" that started TWO - YES TWO!!! - years ago needs to be banned. My kids are literally terrified of it, to the point where my 8 year old had to be picked up from school because she was in hysteric after a classmate brought theirs to school to "show" everyone. I hope my kids will never stop believing in Santa but seriously... THANK GOD they are smart enough not to believe this bullshit media hype that a creepy cherubic elf that might kill them in their sleep is reporting to Santa. I love Christmas, but this is the one reason it's being ruined because of over achieving moms that just don't get it.

Q&P Muffin Top said...

Thanks for the hilarious laugh. I nearly choked on my coffee!! This thing is evil, creepy, and I think this "tradition" that started TWO - YES TWO!!! - years ago needs to be banned. My kids are literally terrified of it, to the point where my 8 year old had to be picked up from school because she was in hysteric after a classmate brought theirs to school to "show" everyone. I hope my kids will never stop believing in Santa but seriously... THANK GOD they are smart enough not to believe this bullshit media hype that a creepy cherubic elf that might kill them in their sleep is reporting to Santa. I love Christmas, but this is the one reason it's being ruined because of over achieving moms that just don't get it.

Unknown said...

This chick sounds like she needs a nap. Grumpy and tired as hell. lol I don't intend on dumbing it down to make some other mother feel better about themselves. Go big or go home. lol...and stop whining for crying out loud. :-D

Mommy in Maryland said...

I think I love you! LOL!

Granny's playtoo.com said...

This is the first time we have done the "Elf on the Shelf" and I have really enjoyed listening to my 4 year old granddaughter tell me about the things her elf has done. She named her Lizzie. When she comes to spend the night with me Lizzie always seemed to find her way to Granny's house as well, of course first she must take a trip to see Santa and ask his permission. Personally I don't mind cleaning up a little flour or power sugar where Lizzie may have attempted to make cookie or candy during the night. We have taken pictures of each events that she had done and we will make a photo album for her to share with her own child/children one day. It may take a little of my time today but it will give me memories she and I can share for a life time. Just in case you are wondering, I do work 9 and half hours each day but for her few minutes of smiles and giggles I will gladly clean. But to help comfort those of you who seems to have slaved over the "Elf on the Shelf" there is no need to make such a mess to start with, all they child is looking for the end result. Merry Christmas from Lizzie.

Unknown said...

You my dear, deserve a fucking medal. I have an Elf, he has been nicknamed lil shit. This is simply because I didn't know the fucktards came with rules and I would have to move him all the time. Not like that is a big deal, unless you're me and you forget all the fuckin time. The moms doing all that ridiculous extra shit must have absolutely nothing to do. I'm a busy mom and I don't have time to mess up my house for a creepy lil elf.

C'sMommy said...

This cracked me up! My daughter is 14 and too old for the Elf, but I hadn't even heard of it before last year anyway. I personally think they are kind of creepy, but that might be me looking for an excuse...I was a sh*tty tooth fairy and I don't imagine I would do much better as an elf. I frequently forgot to leave money in her bedroom and she would have to search the house for her money in the morning while I was frantically trying to "hide" money in a place she would find it and then come up with a plausible reason for the Tooth Fairy to have left the money somewhere other than the pillow. lol I am totally relieved that that part of her childhood is over, even if I am sad about it, too! Her growing up is bitter sweet and while I love the brilliant young lady she has become, I miss the wide-eyed wonder, too. This blog made me howl...I am re-sharing it so my friends can laugh, too. Thanks for the bright spot in my evening and have a merry Christmas!!!

Unknown said...

I agree with you I never heard of the ELF until last year . My 7 year old granddaughter wanted to know why her class room has the elf but we didn't so I told her we would just have to wait and see if he or she came . Well I bought a girl one for my grandchildren and when my 4 year old granddaughter came to my house and seen her oh how her eyes sparkled . My 7 year old has not got to see her yet but she will this come weekend and I can't wait . To me when I see the smiles on their faces and the sparkle in their eyes it's all worth it to me. I would never make her do naughty tings or do things to scare them . But I will move her if it makes them happy, AND I don't know why people have to use bad language . Do they think it makes them look big I don't think so .

Jeeeebs said...

Wow how lazy and dumb you must be if you cant remember to move something so simple. Hahaha such clowns dumbing down the most simplest things. " wahhhhhh wahhhhhh I forgot to move the elf wahhhh wahhhh" lets bitch to the world how dumb you are lmao!!!

Jeeeebs said...

Wahhhh wahhhh wahhhh cry like a little bitch that you forgot to move the elf. Hahahaha what lazy dumb people!

Jeeeebs said...

Umm shes 3 you idiot

Nicholeeeeeeeee said...

You parents are horrible for saying all of these awful words about your children and not minding if you will be scarring your children or not. elf on the shelf is for fun and believeing in something. calm down and stop criticizing moms who work over time to keep their children happy and have fun with the magic. get over your idiotic selves. just saying.

Unknown said...

I don't have an elf but I want to agree with the presents from Santa. We learned early when our son threw his Playstation game controller across the room that nothing expensive was ever from Santa again. He said, "it was free, Santa got it for me." Well, now Santa only fills the socks with candy and little gifts... the rest is from family. That is what the first, real Santa did... he put coins or treats in kid's shoes or socks.

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