Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask.  I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it.  I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual.  ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star.  Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas.  I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa."  Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa!  As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?  It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf.  Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year.  He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday).  This year we left town and I forgot.  He waited until we came back and then he was ready to join our family.  Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times.  We are always forgetting to move him.  And it should not be difficult.  I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again.  I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked.  "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning."  WTF???  "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree!  Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!!  Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that?  I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree!  All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye?  I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone.  There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior.  People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse.  I read her blog and I got really pissed off.  I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog.  (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf.  ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.  As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1.  Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2.  Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously?  Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs?  The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll.  I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf.  We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him.  When does she do laundry?  When does she work?  And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20.  Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers.  A photograph is not one of those things.  It would take years to undo that damage if I did that.  I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home.  "The Elf did it!"

24.  Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him.  Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf.  So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32.  Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when?  4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another?  And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42.  Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them.  I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that.  I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off.  I'll bookmark that one.

44.  Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64.  Learn multiplication facts.

Huh?  Just set him on the table with flashcards?  I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80.  Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches.  (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93.  Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF?  Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard?  Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog!  Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad.  I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

This is an excerpt from my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Get the entire book here!

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835 comments:

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Heather L. said...

My sister in law posted this to my Facebook wall and I loved it. She thought I should share my comment back to her with you so here it is: "ROTFLMAO... I'm in tears here...dying.... I've called him the little bastard several times...... bahahaha... really... it's all I can do to remember to move his ass from one side of the same room to the next...there are not enough high spots in this house to put him anywhere else... no spots above the cupboards, they bitch if he can't see the TV (cuz God forbid Zippy can't see the show)...so after the first time they whined about that (he was on the fridge that day) he has moved around the living room ONLY and I'm about to have to start the rotation of spots again...thank GOD he goes back to the N.P. on Christmas Eve to help Santa deliver all the crap to the little kids all over the world. Amen... 5 more nights. Muahahah! Oh...and by the way... my kids are immune to the purpose... it really doesn't work if you have to keep saying "Elf" or "Zippy is watching" FIFTY NINE times a day! Pfft! ... Oh and the sucker has to bring them a gift because in my first year INSANITY of it all last year I thought it would be nice of him to bring them one... they remembered. Ugh. So Santa & Zippy bring the cheap crap. Fillers. Yep. Oh, and I will be damned if I buy each kid their own Elf... who is the MORON who thought up that crap? They can send their husbands/wife out on an Emergency run to the Hallmark Store (or now even Target has them) to pick one up to see if they can save Christmas because they've acted like such idiots all year long you'd rather just give them all coal... but you know you can't get away with that so you have to do SOMETHING. Then you see the Elf some of your friends are posting pictures of on FB and you have to inquire what the heck it is and figure AWESOME, I'M SAVED! Yeah, not so much. LOL. He's cute for the first two days... then you forget to move him... or HE FALLS off his perch and you scream..."NOBODY TOUCH HIM OR HE WONT COME BACK! ONLY ADULTS CAN TOUCH HIM IF THEY HAVE TO!"... Because he fell, they see the tag sewed into his ass...you should have cut that one off dammit! "Why does he have a tag... is he a stuffed animal?". Gawd. LOL. "NO he was made by Santa's Elves and they put a tag on all the things they make."... Cripe. Yep... GOOD TIMES!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate that elf. I refuse to buy my daughter one. Just having to play Santa is enough work. Hysterical blog. So happy I came across it!

McRose said...

I understand that some people can be overachievers on this kind of thing and I get the "perky mom" annoyance, but this is kinda harsh. I think the Elf on the Shelf is meant to be fun for the parents and the kids, and if you're not going to get into it at all, why bother having one? It's not a necessary piece of equipment for child-rearing... No reason to attack the people who want to have fun with it. Granted, some of the ideas she gave were silly, but still. I think you took them a bit out of context, too, like the knitting one. I doubt anyone is actually going to knit something just for that situation, but if you happen to have knitting needles and a knit-item (store-bought or homemade) you could pose it. You don't have to make it hard. Depending on the kid's age, you could get away with a lot of simple-but-seemingly-complicated things and create a few memories. Seriously, you think they lose interest after a few minutes, but this is actually the kind of thing kids will remember fondly years later. I still remember sprinkling "reindeer food" (essentially oats and glitter) outside each Christmas Eve, and though I was always a little disappointed to find it still there the next day, I still got excited about it every year.

Unknown said...

Oh wow! I am LMAO!!! I need you to live a little closer...lol. You are still doing better than I am, at least you have an elf. The past two years I have kept meaning to get one, and I haven't even gotten that far, and I have 3 kids. Now you are telling me I need 3...I can't even get off my rear end to get the first one! Thanks for making my night, I needed this laugh, and it is good to know I am not alone!

B Mad said...

Dolls in general are incredibly creepy... but one that you make kids believe is alive to scare them into being good for Santa just sounds cruel. Wouldn't it be easier to let them watch Chucky before bed one night and have a Good Guy doll waiting for them at the foot of their bed when they wake up?
Like your blog by the way. Extremely funny! If you get a chance check mine out bmadisms.blogspot.com

bibliobethica said...

Not only do I forget to move the elf, but the toothfairy forgets to come, too. It just doesn't matter, the elf gets moved the next night and the toothfairy comes eventually ("some nights too many kids loose their teeth, and she just can't get to all the houses!") Thanks for the incredibly funny post. Even moms who forget can be incredible parents with happy children.

scrappymomtotwins said...

First, your blog made me laugh till, well, I was moist. Hysterical!

Second, her blog gives me hives.

Third, I was smart enough NOT to read that particular story to my children and thus avoid the whole damn thing. I'm not a complete idiot ;-)

Merry Christmas from another Slacker Mom ;-)

Eisley Jacobs said...

Okay... when this ELF thing came about a few years ago I really had a problem with it. I don't need to convince my kids to be "good" because someone is watching... I threaten them with their lives and they obey. Who needs an elf?!?! ;)

All kidding aside, we don't do the elf thing or the santa thing... but your post made me crack up.

I am too selfish to give credit to some fat guy in a red suit for the AWESOME gifts I give. ;)

Fred G. Sanford said...

I have never in my life heard of "Elf on a shelf". The only thing I ever heard of growing up was dad talking about "Ol' Hag on the rag" and "Mrs. Clause and the menopause". They must not have caught on everywhere else. All I know is that they weren't very popular with mom! :(

LeeAnn said...

I think I love you! I have seen a gazillion posts about this elf crap, and I have to admit that I have no clue what "Elf on a shelf" even is, because I don't have time for any more holiday nonsense. I'm lucky to just get wrapped presents under my tree this year.

I would absolutely LOVE for you to guest post over at my blog if you ever feel like it. Check it out and let me know what you think. http://www.thelifeofrylie.com

Merry Christmas!

Aimers1212 said...

Amen sister! My kids have enough fun without me creating a delinquent elf scenario every day. I'm lucky the tree got decorated the first time...no way in hell I'm taking ornaments off just to put them back on.

Cherry Rolla said...

I really can't stand the "I wear make up at 6am and still overachieve everything mom" We have 1elf only bc of that stupid movie. I have no clue where he is, whoever passes out last puts him on a shelf or object in a random room. No messes or perverted acts of elf-ness. I still don't get it. I think it was another object to over draw my checking account with this season.

SmallTownGirl said...

I keep mine on the tree - he never moves! You crack me up & thank you.

Teri said...

I found you through http://sunnydaysinsecondgrade.blogspot.com/ via pinterest. I'm so glad I did! You are hilarious! ( I think we are sisters separated at birth! ) Merry Christmas to you and yours!

the truth will set you free...motherhood 101 said...

Great blog. I like keeping it real, myself. Although I usually find myself "shooting people directly in the face" as opposed to "punching people in the throat." But, then again, I've got some pent up hositility as I spend everyday caring for a child with many medical needs and my brain is completely useless. I like your comment, "I write so I don't kill." My sentiments exactly.

Unknown said...

OMG am I the only one that had a childhood without the elf on the shelf. This is hilarious and I wish I would have known about it. My kids are 18 & 15 now. I will never get to have fun with this. hmmmm maybe grandkids. Anyhow this was funny Sh!t! Thank you for the good laugh. I am a grinch this year because I wont be with family. That just made my day.

Anonymous said...

I love this! I don't even have an Elf and I refuse to buy one. I see moms posting all the time about "starting a new tradition" and all the "fun" things their elves are doing (koodos to you if you are one of them because you have a whimsy that I'm apparantly lacking) but this is not something that appeals to me. I have enough to clean up with two kids and a husband that scatter their crap all over the house...why on earth should I make a mess (FOR THE ELF! only to have to clean it up again? Ya, not doing that! I'll stick to other traditions like making paper chains and watching White Christmas as I wrap the kids presents on Christmas Eve thanks!

Jilsey said...

LOL -

NH Mommy said...

Seriously people - those of you that don't have an elf probably don't have one because you aren't creative enough to do things with it every day. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to move it -- you don't have to have him doing those crazy things.

Those of you that are "proud" that you don't have one, or that think those of us that do have one are "crazy".... I have a word for you all --- LAZY !

My kids have grown up just fine with our elf. They looked forward to him on thanksgiving night and said good bye to him on Christmas eve. ONE MONTH ALL YOU LAZY PEOPLE -- ONE MONTH! I feel bad for your kids - you must all have tan walls and tan carpets and tan clothes and very very very boring lives.

Jess said...

I don't have an elf and I think it's a ridiculous idea, and so is Santa! We wonder why our children lie to us when they are teens, well they are old enough to realize that their parents lied to when they were little, so they think it must be okay.` Making up stories can be fun but when you make them believe the stories, they will make up stories when they r teens about where they've been and what they've been doing. That will continue on into their adulthood. So why lie, it just costs more in the end.

Unknown said...

I could not stop laughing! Finally a mom who has a life like the rest of us and lives in reality! Thanks for writing this!

Anonymous said...

When I feel a little left out by celebrating Hanukkah, I am going to read this post again.

Latkes, candles, and dreidels make life much easier.

Kristi Lyn Reddy said...

Hilarious! This year is the first I have heard of the Elf on A Shelf. Personally I thought it was something only the "yuppie over achieving mom's who bought them"....aparently many buy them, even down to earth normal moms. Okay, I still think it is weird. Loved your blog. Made me laugh out loud! Did she have the elf laying face down in a bath tub full of water in that 101 list? Cuz, I'm thinking after he did half the stuff she mentioned I would definitely drown the little bugger!

Kelly Jeanette Swift said...

I have never heard of Elf on the Shelf. Still, the idea kinda creeps me out. Good thing all the kids in my family are over ten and would just stare at the elf weirdly. But I love your post. Had a good giggle.

I do have a one year old grand nephew. Hmmm...

eMommE said...

I LOVE YOU!!! Thank you for making me feel like a good mother again. I forget ALL THE TIME and my 10 year old is all over it. LOL!!!!!

jwtsatty said...

I am crying I'm laughing so hard. This is hilarious! I have run into the same problem (due to my limited creativity skills) with our Elf, Anthony, this year.

Hey Mon! said...

@NH Mommy - WTH? I don't think you have enough to do if you think people who don't subscribe to the elf are lazy. Some of us have careers (or jobs) and volunteer for charitable organizations for children who have NOTHING. But my kids are deprived because I don't do the frickin' elf on a shelf. Get over yourself and get a job/life/career.

Jackie Higgins said...

I try to never say LOL, but I gotta give this one to you. "LOL"..very loud!

Maria said...

you know instead of being all pissy because there are better moms out there than you, maybe you should invest some of that energy in being the mom you're so bitter you aren't.

MaryM said...

Haha thanks for this! I am one of the slacker moms! My husband and I just move our elves from shelf to tree to kitchen back to tree to mantle back to kitchen well you get the picture LOL About the first three days I did do a scene each night but that was it and my kids actually enjoy playing hide and seek as they call it with them each morning.

Anonymous said...

DON'T GET A SECOND ELF! I'm a freakin' idiot and have three for my three kids. It's hard enough thinking up a new spot every night for one elf - let along THREE! Just stick with one. Let your grown children duke it out if they want it later, or keep it for yourself. Or burn it.

bluedaisy said...

I'm sure others have said this but BUT while we have an elf, I find him creepy but my kids like trying to find where he is. We just move him around the house, nothing crazy. As for the 101 things- WHY do I want to give my children IDEAS on how to make me even crazier? They don't lack for creativity, am I supposed to help them come up with this stuff? The picture taking idea is cute/easy and good for blackmail later on but some of those ideas are just plain NUTS!

Blackeyedsue said...

I do own an elf.

I also must like self-torture and sticking pins under my fingernails.

Once upon a time I was an over-achieving mom who actually looked forward to this. When I got the elf five years ago, I was not as intelligent as I was now...I was also properly medicated.

Now I want to repeatedly bang my head against the wall at 2:30am because in my desire to go to bed at a decent hour, I forgot to move the damn thing.

What the hell was I thinking???

Erik said...

We will never have an elf. I can't imagine being a little kid and thinking there was a creepy little Christmas troll running around the house while I slept.

Lindsay said...

moms who do this aren't drunks or love spoiling our children, or love feeling like a good parent. They love to see their kids faces as they wake up in the morning and see where the Elf is! The joy and happiness that represents the Christmas is seen, maybe just for a few minutes, but its seen through the child's smile and laughter and giggles. Does the Elf NEED to do crazy things that involve more the a couple of minutes of set- up then clean- up? No.. But putting a little bit of flour on the floor and making an Elf size snow angle isn't going to take more then a mere 3 to 5 minutes. I'm sorry if that takes away from you sitting down and chugging some vodka or watch Dexter. It must suck taking a mere 5 more minutes out of your day just to put a smile on your child's face. We shouldn't even get started on having to clean up the mess then should we? It must be tough having to pull out that little broom duster and give the flour a quick swipe. Gosh, I wonder what your sink looks like. I'm a nanny for a single - working mom who is pregnant and has four other kids. I don't clean up the Elf's mess or set the Elf up, she does, but in the morning a get to watch 4 amazing kids all wake each other up to go search for the Elf and I get to watch them giggle and laugh and whisper. It's not a nuts thing to do and it's not time consuming. It's just a little memory your kids think back on fondly. The Elf doesn't have to be mischief, I think its actually a lot more work that way, and you don't have to ruin any valuables in the process, you just have to be creative with what you have. The mom I work for tells me that when thinking of where to put the Elf for the next morning she considers what she tells her kids they can and can't do and loosely abides by that rule.I think it's just about how you perceive it. Just because some mom's want to be more creative about it doesn't mean that those who don't are bad. But those who don't shouldn't be ganging up on those who do. We all have different parenting styles and takes on it but it's definitely not correct to call one wrong or crap.

Sylver Wyrd said...

Never heard of this stupid elf.

Kate said...

Funny post, but I'm thinking it took you just a bit more time to write this article (and go through the 101 ideas from the other blogger)than it did for me to hang my kids' elf from the Christmas tree last night to make them smile in the morning. ;) Maybe give up a little computer time and you wouldn't be so confused about how other moms "do it". teee-he-he ;)

jonesy2004 said...

Never even heard of this elf thing. I'm glad because that means one less lie that I have to keep going. Tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, it's hard keeping up with all those charades and 4 kids.

M&MPHIL said...

this is so well written I cried with joy over reading this ,, IT WAS SO FREAKEN FUNNY! thank you so much for the laughter needed it durning all the crazy of the holiday!!! LOVE LOVE your story telling!!! KUDOS!

Anonymous said...

I'm thanking the Good Lord above that I have teenagers....wait!! I'm THANKFUL that I have teenagers?!? Holy crap, pass the (spiked) eggnog...

mora said...

Let me tell you Danielle's secret - she's loaded. Have you seen the picture of her house. I'm sure with a nanny and/or maid - you too can do 101 things with your elf as long as someone else is cleaning that mess up. So I wouldn't sweat it, my elf isn't that ambitious either - after all I'd have to clean his messes too.

Ashleigh said...

This is why we don't do Santa or Elf on the Shelf...this is just one more thing that puts stress on you and one more thing to lie to your kids about. With all this lying, will your kids ever believe you when you tell the TRUTH. You teach our kids not to lie yet here are some insane parents going out of their way to lie about a stupid toy. I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

You are my hero!

Shannon said...

I'm clearly not the first person to love this post but this was exactly the laugh I needed tonight! Fanfreakintastic!

Lizme said...

Ha! I read her page. How would some of that even work??? And, more importantly, where does she get the snow for #16?

Professional Mom and Educator said...

LOL!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!! Not to mention the fact that lying to your kids it not the best lesson, and isn't the elf supposed to be making sure they are not naughty? Why is he so naughty?
:)

Agnus Dei said...

I love you for making me laugh so hard!!

Anonymous said...

haha! This was a great post! I can't deny that I laughed extra hard when it hit close to home! :) I love our elf, because for 1 month a year it doesn't take me 20 min to get my kids out of bed- they jump right up to see where he hid! But I DO draw the line at making messes for myself. That would earn the elf a one way ticket back to the workshop! Thanks for the laugh!

TheLFamily said...

Damn hilarious! anyway, the book says he goes and visits Santa each night, so why does he need to be making a bunch of messes that I have to clean up...He follows the rules and goes to the North Pole while we sleep and hopefully, I remember to move him by morning.

Holly said...

First day with our Elf my 1st grade teacher friend came to my house and made it move IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! Great! Now I have to spend my whole fucking day sneaking around moving the elf or listening to my kids bitch because it's not 'doing anything'. The elf is like sentencing myself to an entire month of tooth fairy duty everyday all day long.

RiverbenderIDPA said...

Haha! That was great! I am glad to know I am not the only one.

Charis said...

JEN! I <3 YOU!!! I don't have to get those "perfect" moms mad at me by saying how I feel...I can just post your thoughts! Then it's not my fault right? I seriously just LOL'd! :) Merry Christmas!!!

Elizabeth said...

Even as a "overachieving elf on the shelf mom" I still laughed pretty hard at this! I admit, I love to do these things, but not to the extent on that blog. I work full time and rarely do arts and crafts with my kids, but I love seeing their faces in the morning when the elf is doing something funny. Either way, it's supposed to be fun :)

The Real Housewife of CrazyTown said...

Hysterical!! Thank you for your honest humor! I have been keeping a stockpile of my wacky stories trying to decide whether or not I should start a blog. You have inpsired me and made me realize people appreciate my type of humor! Thank you!

Kristin said...

I. Love. You.

While I am a bit of an over achiever but it's just to piss off other Mom's so they don't talk to me...

I think "Daniele" is taking her kids Ridallen and is wired/up all night!

KristinG

Anonymous said...

That. Was. Awesome!

Now. I don't currently have any kids. HOWEVER, we are trying and my mind is in active "prepare to be a mommy mode" and I posted my own little take on the Elf on the Shelf ... and what I think would be a MUCH better replacement for that creepy little bastard!

http://www.blenifer.com/2011/12/my-version-of-elf-on-shelf.html

Unknown said...

OMG!!! This was awesome!! Thanks for the laugh and it is SOOOO true. I don't have a dang elf for my kids. They are 3 and 1. Too young for that crap and it sounds cheesy in my opinion.

CareBear71 said...

This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! You remind me of me and the way I feel about some of these crazy moms! Thank you Thank you Thank you!

Unknown said...

I am SOOOOOOO tired of my wife texting me at 6am telling me to move the Elf..... And then later yelling at me because in my routine morning sleepwalk I forgot to move the F-er before I stumbled into my car and drove to work, trying not to take out the neighbors mailbox as my eyes quickly flutter from open to "passed the f out"

123123 said...

Wow. Did you not get something you wanted for Christmas one year? Ba hum bug! Seriously, the Elves's are a lot of fun, and definitely worth the extra effort to do something fun or naughty! It doesn't take any more than grabbing an item, sitting him next to it and going to bed. Literally takes less than 5 minutes. Maybe you don't think your kids would notice because you never do anything fun with them. What's wrong with having a little imagination? It doesn't take Prozac or Valium to have fun with your children. It's called being a parent. You should try it sometime. You might actually smile.

Babytnt27 said...

I just got my girls an Elf on a Shelf this year, didn't even know about it before then... But I do NOT have a naughty elf, nor do I want my kids thinking its ok either. Our elf has left a note or 2 about "picking up toys" or "being a really good girl for daddy while mommy was volunteering with the church"... he moves but really just about 4-6 different places. This post was hilarious and that chick with the 101 things, NO WAY!

debdk said...

You are hilarious. My son and his family stayed the night and forgot "elf jonny reindeer " dad had to drive back the next day to get him because 'he had to work overtime at the north pole'. This game is more fun to observe as a grandparent. Lol

April said...

I scrolled down Blossom's blog page and I saw this post title:
Empowering Kids With “Out of the Box” Chores
.
I don't really think I need to make a joke about this.

Angie said...

She's so busy making the elf do things does she actually have time to spend with her KIDS???

Jenn said...

This post really got me laughing...its so nice to know that there are still some real moms in this world. I have to admit we have had our elf for 4 years now and its a tradition that our kids look forward to every year. But the over achieving parents ruin it for the rest of us. Why couldn't it have been good enough just to hide the elf every night? (and forget alot of times too.) But now we have to be creative and out do each other. A fun simple tradition....turned into a crazy obsessive one.

kate said...

We are elf-less and will remain so.

But...I don't understand all the naughtiness. Isn't the whole point of the elf that he is a spy and a tattletale--telling Santa all about the child's misbehavior? So...why is the elf getting into trouble? I don't think that's the elf that Santa would task with the mission of determining whether someone is naughty or nice. And why is Santa not able to do this on his own anymore?

Mommy to 4 said...

Enjoying your blog. My mom shared this with me.
Our elf did great and funny things the FIRST year. He really set the bar too high. We've been working the kids down gradually. Granted, we did get a second elf last year because the boys insisted their baby sister needed a "girl elf" to come visit, but their creativity has really fallen off. This year, they didn't arrive until December 5th because there are more kids that wouldn't get presents if it weren't for Santa. Then, three days later, they left again for 5 days to put in some extra time at the North Pole. The week before Christmas Break, I was so disgusted that the kids didn't clean their playroom as the elves had suggested in their note (our elves came with notecards... clever, huh?). The elves had provided the extra motivation that once it was clean, they would decorate it. The kids decided they really didn't care. I was so frustrated and disgusted with the kids that I decided anything written in an elf note would not sound very elf-appropriate. So they didn't hear from them for a week, until they finally HAD to clean their room before we left on our trip. So the kids have maybe heard from/seen the elves 10 days this month. I'm full of 101 reasons the elves are NOT here, didn't move, or didn't do whatever they said they would do. That's where MY creative juices are flowing this year. I do have to say, I'm just as excited about Christmas being just 24 hours away as my kids are... Santa can come take his elves for another 11 months!

-Kristi

Michael said...

We have a family friend who has pictures of her elf smoking, drinking, doing lines, and then one picture of Barbie holding an EPT...apparently because of the elf. Ha! I love this blog!

MF
www.actuallydaddy.com

Eastern Shore Mom said...

I think I just peed on myself a little! Too funny, & so glad someone else sympathizes with me. Thanks for being honest for the rest of us!

Aubrey
theesm.com

prenni5 said...

Laughing SO hard at this post! Allie Bell referred me to your Blog. Love it! I was so happy to put that damn Elf away tonight; it's exhausting! And when we moved to the South last year, I learned about the "Magic Elves" that my children had to have in addition to their Elf on the Shelf. These Magic Elves are known specifically for making mischief. 24 ideas for mischief I had to come up with. Insane!! Sooo glad they are back in their boxes!!! I feel your pain girl. :)
Annie P.

teaching fashionista said...

Ha ha ha I've been a pretty bad elf mom too,

Anonymous said...

The Elf on the Shelf is LAME! We don't have one and I hope we never will. Luckily, our friends are simple mama with simple traditions...not over achievers. So glad we homeschool so my kids don't wonder why we don't have an Elf on the Shelf. How much more can we add to our plate between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's all overdone. Elf will not bring your children joy. I wish Santa didn't either, but we can't escape the influence of that one.

Christiane said...

I just laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! I have seen Naughty Elf posts, but being too lazy to actually read them, just assumed it was a different naughty- inappropriate for children. I can barely clean my own messes and the ones made by my two toddlers, let alone fake messes.

I may blame him for laundry piles next year though. Damn elf unfolded all the clothes I stacked last night. Sorry, hon, guess you'll have to wear a wrinkled shirt."

SK said...

I JUST found your blog today and read a more recent post and then started digging around and found this. We too have the elf, ours is named Mee-Mee (my 2yr old named him), and although it is me that wanted him, it was TOTALLY my husbands responsibility to move him around....I would lay in bed each night and say 'dont forget to move the elf'....lol. I was laughing so hard I was in tears about this post. I am a full-time working mom, my husband works full time, we live an hour away from where we work. We leave the house at 6am and dont get back home until 6pm on weekdays. My 2 younger kids are in bed by 7:30, so between 6 and 7:30 I am doing everything I can to cook dinner, get baths done and spend a tiny bit of quality time with my kids. Once they go to bed its laundry, maybe a bit of TV and then bed myself, damn, I have to be up at 5 in the morning. So I barely have time to shower some days, much less make and/or clean up messes a stupid ELF would make. This post was awesome!!!! Absolutely hilarious and has made a regular reader out of me!!!!

Anonymous said...

Laughing so hard!

Tree Hugging Attorney said...

Feather pillows ARE expensive.

I got excited when you said he elf could do naughty things. I thought your (soon to be) two elves could do the nasty together somewhere in the house. Then you could blog about it and one-up Blossom with your creative technique of introducing birds and bees.

Sure, social services might get a call.

But no one could ever call it boring.

Anonymous said...

In all the time you spent typing up this rant..... you could have moved the Elf. I feel bad for your children. Valuable time out of your evening spent on them...... surly you wouldn't want to do that.

Anonymous said...

Don't know if anyone above has mentioned this, as I don't have time right now to read all the responses. But...I think she may be getting 'Elf' confused with the leprechaun for St. Patrick's Day. We do things LIKE that (although nothing that requires vacuuming or MAJOR clean-up). We move furniture around, turn things upside down, and the like.

Krissy1516 said...

there is a book sold in Barnes and Noble, Elf on the Shelf for adults!!! I definately thought of that while I read this

Margie said...

Ohmygosh, I have never laughed so hard! Thanks for making me feel better about NOT having an Elf!

Gina @ MoneywiseMoms said...

Ha! I'm glad Blossom Bunkhkouse has a sense of humor. You made her #93:
http://blossombunkhouse.com/2011/11/08/101-elf-on-the-shelf-ideas-2/

Audri McCready said...

This is the best article have ever read about the Elf. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. All season long I watched as friends posted cute Elf pictures on Facebook and all I could think was "wow, and mine is just sitting in wine glass on the shelf." The most creative I got was putting him in the Christmas tree. Great blog!
-Audri (www.rediscoveringourfamily.blogspot.com)

Teronia Wilson said...

OMG, laughing my fucking ass off (and enjoying a blog where I feel comfortable writing that out). I just found out about said elf this year. Still not completely convinced, I think I saw the kit and it wasn't cheap, hmm..... maybe when she's old enough to ask about it.

Maureen said...

Holy Friggin' Crap! Just found your blog & woke my snoring "hubs" from the recliner, cracking up w/ tears soaking my face. LOVE THIS!

thoughtsappear said...

This is an awesome post! I just voted for it on BlogHer's Voices of the Year.

Jacq said...

Jesus H. Christ. You really don't have enough going on in your life if you're spending even 4 minutes thinking about these elf creatures.

Anonymous said...

Thinking the same thing.

Donna George said...

Yeah, not going to get one of those. I just raised my kids the old fashioned way. I would pick up the phone and ask them if they wanted me to call Santa. Parents have a direct line to the North Pole. We don't need no stinkin' elves!

Unknown said...

all the happiness of the world is moms. at the every stage of life mom is with you.

Send gifts to Pakistan from Australia
Send gifts to Pakistan from Australia
Send gifts to Pakistan from Australia

Elizabeth said...

LOL late late late post but she linked you in the post :-)

Tazi Kat said...

The Elf has appeared in my mailbox again! This time he is doing things that would make "Blossom" blush!
The Elf On The Shelf Is Back...And Causing Mischief For One Family

I am not sure if the guy deserves a punch or a back pat - maybe both. I fear he might give The Hubs a few ideas, though!

Muhammad Atif said...

If you're interested in voting Send gifts to Pakistan from UK, it's a process

Kate said...

We have an Elf and he does move nightly. If we forget to move him, my husband or I move him when we get up for work, before we wake our boys.
Our elf doesn't always do "naughty" things but my boys love getting up and finding what the elf did or where he's hiding.
Our elf is in our house to remind the boys to have good behavior. The elf does naughty things to see if my boys will get in trouble for it. If the boys have had good behavior, it's likely that I will believe them when they say, "The elf did it, mom!"
I don't believe the moms who think of the 101 ideas for the elf are "over achieves". They're carrying on a tradition in their family & making memories with their children.
I can't speak for any other mother out there but I only have the elf making messes that I'm willing to clean. I work full time, as does my husband. I wouldn't trade the excitement this brings to my children for anything, though!

Kate said...

Lol

Jenn said...

This has been the best part of my morning. Honestly, it is 10:27 and I have broken up 4 fights, made them clean their room (my god, if they had just put their dirty clothes in the hamper and their stuffed animals back in bed it would have been clean, took 20 mins cause they fought!!! UGH!!) THIS post is the best thing so far. Hands down winner. (HA! they are in their room with a movie on so I can poke the computer for 10 mins and I notice that PBS kids is still on the tv in here lol) (yes, I know too much tv isnt good.. bite me, it means I can clean my kitchen/living room/bath room what ever) I have an elf, he is from when I was a kid.. he lives on my TV when he comes out.. My mom buys gifts for the kids that he gives them, I forget all the time.. (she might be out buying them now as its summer and holiday crap is super cheap!) the only thing I do with him is put him in the fridge, sit him on the table/computer/childs chair.. nothing naughty here! NO way.. I dont want to clean as it is, and I am going to make MORE of a mess?? PSHT... I do admit that on Christmas eve-eve (the 23rd) he comes back with the "magic key" to let Santa into the house (thanks Mom for something ELSE I have to remember!!!) other then that.. nope.. tho I like the idea of the "blue milk"... but I would totally make the WHOLE GALLON chocolate!! that would be way better then blue...
and cookies for breakfast with it!! (for me, when they are at school)

Anonymous said...

Laughed my ass off! Thank you for the lols!!

Anonymous said...

just thought of you...

http://media-cache-ec1.pinterest.com/upload/278238083198137923_eW6mavfM.jpg

rodrunnr said...

my elf is out year round... he has been sitting in a model car since Christmas though. (forgot to put him away, the kids just accepted that he watches all year and the model truck is comfortable for him to chill in) :) Thank you for this post!

Natalie Adams said...

Elf on the shelf. I have not heard of this but I think it sounds cool. Nice picture by the way.

Unknown said...

This is great!!!

ElaineD said...

My kids are too old for this Elf stuff, thank God, but a friend of mine had the best solution. Apparently, as the legend goes, if you touch the elf, he can't move anymore (to keep the kids from playing with it, I guess). So her son got one as a gift from Grandma at Thanksgiving, and when he opened the package, my friend jumped up and yelled, "Oh, no - You touched it!", put him up on a shelf, and there he sat until after Christmas!! He got packed away with the other decorations, and will come out this year, too - as just a decoration.

minky360 said...

This was the best post I have ever read. Laughing out loud!

Jody Wagner said...

OMG that was the best read EVER!!!!!

Unknown said...

You don't think having an Elf on the Shelf at all makes you a little bit of an OAM? :-)

Sharon said...

I'm in love with this, haha. It is f'ing hard work to remember to move that damn Elf every day. So many times i have had to say 'um, i dont know perhaps he's running late today, or playing with your head, he'll move when he's ready'. I have even woken up in the middle of the night and thought 'shit, the elf', and hauled myself out of bed to move the elf. Stupid women that i am. But i do love to create Magic. It's one of the only times in my life that I'll be able to do it and it is for such a short time in the bigger scheme of things. Haha, My name is Sharon and I'm an over achieving white trash physco mummy that needs punching in the throat to get over my 'creating magic' complex that this god damn Elf on the Shelf has afforded me.

Jenny Brown said...

OMGosh, Jen: You're freakin' hilarious. I can't believe it's taken me this long to find and read this post! I'm definately buying you book! I'm sitting at work reading this post and laughing out loud....my coworkers keep looking at me weird! You're funnier than freak! :) Thanks for sharing!

Unknown said...

Omg your post is hysterical - we must be missing out here in Australia - haven't heard about the elf on the shelf but this seriously made me nearly wet myself laughing.

Jenifer S said...

80. Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches. (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

I don't need an elf to do this (just my scattered pre-coffee morning mind)....been there done it. Kids came home starving because they would never eat the same thing as their sibling.

Anonymous said...

OhmygoshIcan'tstoplaughingorcrying. I became more and more hysterical with each paragraph I read! I just hope my supervisor doesn't come into my ceiling-less cubicle to catch me trying to compose myself, stop the tears and catch my breath.

Anonymous said...

"I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual." Why not drop the whole Santa Clause lie in the first place?

Anonymous said...

OMG, I ADORE you! Still LMAO!

Anonymous said...

LOVE THIS!!! I've just learned of your blog, and I'm already hooked. No wonder you went viral with this post! It's fucking brilliant! We don't have an EOTS. My niece has tried to pull me on that bandwagon many times. Not happening. I'm too busy for that shit. For crying out loud, I can barely keep up with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy!

Anonymous said...

you are a great writer, that made me laugh. as a mom of 3 that was awesome!my friend told me about this last year and acted like i was nuts for not having one.

me said...

Seriously, I LOVE this. But, isn't the elf's purpose to ENCOURAGE good behaviour? Then WHY would the elf do things to get himself on the naughty list? Clearly that woman is on the wrong medication...
And BTW Jen, I think you are my Tina Fey.

Mamalina said...

Brilliant read just as I was starting to feel peer pressure to do things with Elf :)

I shall leave on the shelf then :)

Tineyspark said...

I feel kinda bad for all these parents that say they don't have time and don't want to take the time to do something that could be yes, a little silly and yes, takes a little effort. I personally enjoy the look on my kids face when they find our Elf doing something ridiculous. And personally I get a kick out of 'staging' the scene. It's take less than 5 mins to do something creative and less than 3 minutes to clean up. I will admit the whole pillow fight with feathers and switching out clothes is a big over the top. Truly it can be a fun tradition.
In the time it took all these parents above to read this blog they could have "moved their elf". By the looks of it and by all these posts all you parents apparently DO have time your just spending it looking all over Facebook, Pinterest or posting comments about how stupid some parents are for creating a fun and EASY tradition that their kids will enjoy and remember forever. My guess is the kids are probably sitting in front of the t.v. for the night because their parents DON'T have time.

Unknown said...

I can't even keep up with tooth fairy duties!

Erin said...

Ok, so I don't have an elf(hopefully the no punch column), nor will I get one. I think this article alone would cement anyone's decision to not have one(although photographing elf on sleeping child's head is GENIUS-who doesn't want blackmail material???). I don't really know ya, but swear we must be related somewhere down the line. Funny, honest and not afraid to swear! Gotta get this book!!! Found you thru Housetalkn:)

Anonymous said...

As a dad here's the thing. If the elf is trying to assist with child behavior, why is the elf doing naughty things. Leaving messes and moving things around is naughty behavior. I am not above putting him in the batmobile, but he doesn't need to be in a hot wheels pile up either. Making him do behaviors the parents are trying to mitigate seems so counter-intuitive to me. Great article and I laughed my butt off.

Adam

Anonymous said...

I love your response!!!!!

Kristi Stephens Walker said...

OK, I just posted my blog about getting my kids to school in my jammies and commenced to write a letter to my kids from their elf (Weird Al McElferson)and stumbled on this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS post. I don't care that it's a year old-it made me scream laughing, even as I checked "dry ice" off my list to make an elf-sized hot tub with a Barbie pool. Super funny
I promised the kids I'd get dressed today, so, later.

Not Enough Hours... said...

just found you through www.crappypictures.com. I love you. We don't have an elf, and now we may never get one. We'll just have to do other fun things.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I hate text lingo, but this is the funiest thing I have ever read! I feel the same way, especially since my husband and 2nd daughter's birthdays are less than 7 days before Christmas. I have enough going on without trying to remember to move the toy that the cat or dog may attack. But I laughed so hard that I cried reading this to my mother!

dxeechick said...

hilarious! www.thismomsgonnasnap.com

Anonymous said...

Wow.... You are bitter...who pissed in your Cheerios?

Anonymous said...

just read this and it reminded me that I forgot to move our elf...guess I'll go do that now before the kids wake up

CS said...

Love it!

Unknown said...

this was hilarious!! Now I am off to check out the blog you mentioned as well, just to see how crazy she really is lol...

Anonymous said...

"Fun" idea #102 - Repaint a room in a wacky color while the kids are asleep!! Teeheehee... silly elf!

MommaByrnes said...

I have seen that thing all over Interest and didn't know what it was about......I just Google it and found this post..... sooooooooo funny!!!!!! Since I currently live in OZ I will be getting someone in my family to send us one (or maybe 3 since I have 3). Thanks for the laugh!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Your comments are hillarious. It really isn't that hard to handle. I am a proud owner of not one, but two elves. I have one at home and one in my classroom. I love the tradition and so do my kids. My school is 95% poverty. Some of the only Christmas magic they will experience is in that classroom. Call me what you want, I do it for the kids.

Anonymous said...

I am convinced that there is going to be an entire generation of children in need of some serious therapy because of this damn elf!!!! Thank you for letting me know that not every mom out there feels the need to be some psycho Martha Stewart crazy mom and buy these darn things!!!! I considered buying one for about thirty seconds,then I got my sanity back!!!!

Unknown said...

I think the mom that wrote this article forgot what Christmas magic is to a child and I'd hate to be their child. The whole point to the elf it's to keep Christmas magic alive in children. And how hard it's it to move an elf around once a night. I guess I'm an over achieving dad because I go all out for my kids because I love them and want then to have the absolute best Christmas they can. And any one that tells me I'm wrong for keeping my kids happy I'll punch them in the throat.

JoAnna said...

i don't even own the damned elf on the shelf and i did a post about him too! based on the number of comments, i'd say that all of us in our 30s and 40s were sufficiently traumatized by the elves we had at christmas in the 70s!!! and until this little bugger became mass merchandise, we didn't even realize it. i even wrote a post about how much he creeps me out. and writing 101 weird things to do with your creepy elf in the name of "having fun"? well, that's just as weird as sitting him in a pile of flashcards or having him "mix up" the lunchs or clothes. great post!!

Renee Lynn said...

For the "make funny faces on a picture" one, just write in dry-erase on the glass part of your picture frame. It will wipe off!

Dana C said...

Move clothes and make a mess?? My kids would much more notice if the elf cleaned up the joint, folded the clothes, and put them away!

Iiona said...

OMG! This was hysterical, I just seen this from pinterest. I think I pee'd my pants a little while reading these, LOL!

MOmomma said...

Completely agree that the 101 list is way over the top. Some (just some) are good ideas, but when I read her suggestion of hanging wet clothes on the line in the winter or moving the vehicle down the street, all I can think is "why the f- would I want to go out in the cold to do that???" Frozen clothes on the line would make me pissed off at myself for doing such a stupid thing. Anywho, I did invest in an elf for my not quite 3 yr old this year. Not necessarily to keep him in line, but to see his excitement every day when I wake up (and maybe give me an excuse to finally crawl out of bed instead of making him cuddle with me and fall asleep for another half hour or so). Maybe our elves can share a beer one night considering that's my...ummm, elf's favorite brew. Here's to NOT throwing our toothbrushes in the toilet, then having to dig them out for the little bastard!

Jenna said...

Already I have seen one of my friends taking pictures of her elf stuck in the Christmas tree. Apparently he "got stuck while putting up the lights." Right. How's she going to top that one later? I vote for throwing him in the fire where he can get stuck while poking it. Thank goodness my kids have not yet found out about this annoying elf. I should thank my husband for having a fight with his mom *before* she could give us one.

Unknown said...

This is the greatest idea ever. Do it over the legos, G.I. Joe, and the computer mouse :)
Red food coloring and corn syrup is what Dexter used.

B said...

Hysterical!

Dawn Grobe said...

A year late, but thank you for making me feel normal. My biggest effort was remembering to take Shenanigans to Mexico for Thanksgiving with us. Otherwise, just moving him around the house is hard.

dret0404 said...

It's Nov. 2012 and it's started again. Two of my FB friends have started posting the "hilarious" hijinks of their shelf elfs. Ugh. So I had to re-read your excellent commentary to validate the instant "ugh" reaction I got to these posts and assure myself that I am not alone!!!
P.S. Just bought your book. Looking forward to reading it.

LOVEMELANIE said...

Im with ya! Who the he!! Has the energy to make more messes on top of all the other messes the kids already made.. on top of housework +breakfast lunch&dinner messes? Why would i want to give my kids any more bad ideas to add to the ones they already have AND give them an out so they can sneak and be mischievous and then blame it on the elf. What the hell do i look like! Why would any parent do anything like that!? Anyone willing to go to those lengths to give their kids a thrill, is out of their mind.. or has a live-in maid. Crazy people.

Scott said...

Tried the elf with our four year old this year. She explained to us that the story was nice but the elf was fake and since we both needed to get up early for work she could move the elf for us instead of us having to get up in the middle of the night. Fail.

Penny Smith said...

THANK YOU!!! I totally agree!!! And thank you for the best laugh I have had in some time!! Your a brilliant writer! :)

TCG said...

Genius. I. LOVE. YOU!

Alessia said...

keep it hight! I will start mine this year for the first time, I hope ti not give up to soon!!!!

~Z~ said...

Wow... You're a bitch.. Maybe I should punch YOU in the throat.

I'm a father who puts the extra effort in so that my son will have fond memories, even if it causes me extra work. And even if my son doesn't remember, my wife and I will.

So take some ex-lax, lose the constipation and attitude, and then calm the hell down.

Jeez.

Mrs.Sutton said...

this is HILARIOUS!

Stacy said...

OMG,if someone bought us that elf on the shelf, he would quickly be elf in the garbage. i told the kids anything you buy at target can't be magical, only santa and disney world are magical. :)

Unknown said...

Seriously laughing my ass off here. I was going to buy the Elf on the Shelf but thought it was a tad expensive so I bought an elf ornaments, ripped off the hanger and drew a face on it with a sharpie. Yes, we have the welfare Elf on a Shelf and I forget to move the damn thing ALL the time. I was such a bad mom, I left the stupid thing on the table and the new dog got ahold of hit and ripped it to shreds. My 6 year old daughter discovered the massacre and almost had to go to greif therapy. And my 12 year old son wasn't helping recounting every gory detail. We have a new elf, now. Dammit.

Tonya Hunter said...

BINGO BANGO! LOVE IT.

Deanna Gibbons said...

Oh God, thank you for this post. I thought I was the only Mom in the WORLD for not using this creepy little thing. You just made a fan for life!

Unknown said...

I think it hilarious that the only reason I got to this page was because the person you are making fun of, linked us all to it! LOL

Unknown said...

We have an elf. He gets a bit lazy and has yet to make an appearance this year. Maybe it has something to do with the 25 person party on Saturday or the fact that I'm busy wrapping or the fact that we are getting two new kitchen appliances. Whatever. Another GREAT thing I made up years ago has to do with behavior in stores. My son always freaked out at Target or Meijer or Wal Mart. I don't blame him really, those places are annoying. Anyway, he asked what the black bubbles on the ceiling were. Without a second thought, I told him that they are a direct wire to Santa. They are indeed security cameras but Santa is the one doing the surveillance. He watches for bad behavior. I think I came up with it when he was 3 and now he's 6 and STILL respects the black bubbles. That is all.

Jamie said...

I'll be honest, I clicked on the link that my friend posted on facebook because the elf was holding a boulevard beer. :) lol Dang Boulevard... gets me every time. Loved the post!

Tricia said...

Um. Exactly. Why would I want my elf to be naughty when I am trying to get my kid to behave for Santa bringing him all this junk?

Lisa said...

all I can say is THANK YOU JESUS for allowing me to have kids who would be near out of belief in Elf on a Shelf when it came out in the stores!! I don't understand it... what? The 'phone call' to santa isn't cutting it anymore for these kids?
I sat laughing hysterically at your post because it is soooo true!! I too can't understand why someone would go through all that trouble to make more work for themselves!

Anonymous said...

We don't need no stinking Elf on the Shelf. Ooh it rhymes. What next, Dog on a Log. Armadillo on my Pillow.

Thanks for staying unmedicated.

Love you,
cookieathlete.com

trolycar said...

I don't own an elf --that's too much Santa stuff for me -- but why would you want a naughty elf ==only good children get gifts how the heck does a bad elf get such a high ranking santa job?? sounds wrong to me --- this info was soo funny though --looved it --guess I was the odd child --I use to be afraid of my grandma's cabbage patch doll coming to life -- I can't imagine having a doll I want to be alive --Watching -none-the -less

Allyson Bossie said...

omg Thanks to Slap Dash Mom I found you today, and I just laughed until my stomach hurts. I have zero time to even think about buying an elf much less rearrange him daily

Brits said...

Uh oh, go check out #93!

Mrs Tara C said...

Easy fix...Stop lying to your kids about Santa. Tell them that you spend your hard earned money on all their Christmas gifts. Tell them that St. Nicholas was a real guy that lived a long time ago but he's dead and there's no secret man that comes into your house at night to deliver gifts. Tell them that the only person that would sneak into your house in the middle of the night would be coming in to TAKE stuff! STOP LYING!!!
Tell them that the Elf is a happy reminder to be good. Tell them about the true meaning of Christmas.

Unknown said...

eww! you said "hubs"....in the very FIRST paragraph no less.
i stopped reading right then and there.

and YOU are criticizing someone about "elf on the shelf"....lol..."hubs".....eww!

I want to punch you in the throat for that!

Karen P said...

You have the funniest blog I have ever read; I think I need a daily dose of this for my sanity!

HirooHowAreYou said...

I despise the elf. Got guilted into the damn thing and have forgotten to move it every year. Just like I forget to be the tooth fairy. Four children lose a lot of teeth you know. My husband thought I was the worst mom ever. I finally labeled a bucket "hot tub" and left it on the back porch to lure him in. He was frozen solid in a block of ice for several days which gave me time to catch up on drinking wine.

Sally HP said...

Thank you for the laugh! Coincidentally, I found you as I was googling ideas after seeing friend's posting their elves' shenanigans on Facebook. Damn you social media! But the kicker is that I'm a knitter, so when I saw the idea to have him knitting a scarf, I was like 'finally! Something I can easily do!' and then noted her 'not literally, Jen' comment. Your blog is FUNNY!

Anonymous said...

Guess what??? Isn't the entire point about creating memories? My kids wake up every morning and are VERY excited to find their elf. Some times he is mischievous, sometime not, and sometimes he doesn't move at all... But it doesn't matter they are just as excited ether way and no it doesn't only last until the next "shiny thing catches their attention". Bottom line is that each family has traditions that will provoke memories when our kids are grown.... Some of those memories will include an elf (mischievous or not, lazy or not) and others might include frazzled Moms who were overwhelmed with the holidays, and if a silly holiday tradition is stressing you out, most likely life in general. or just family time decorating the tree every year, baking cookies, ect. Lucky for the nay sayers everything in life is a choice, no one has to have an elf and no child will implode by not having one- as a parent I choose the memories I want to create and I can choose to do it as big or mediocre as I wish... But I know when my kids are grown and the magic is gone we sure will have a great time sitting around laughing and talking about it all.....

Unknown said...

Lol my kidder would ask if there are zombie elves

Anonymous said...

Jen, I just ran into your blog and am 100% convinced that we are siamese twins separated at birth. Ironically I discovered your blog when searching for one of those damned Elf on the Shelf deal-i-o's on Amazon. I almost surrendered to the peer pressure of my overachieving stay-at-home mom ex high school classmates. I know myself well and am convinced that I would not be able to spare the 5 seconds it would take daily to move the elf. I'm a 41 year old mother of 3 boys (13, 9, and 3) and my biggest accomplishment is that they are 13, 9 and 3. (Meaning I haven't taken them out of this world.....yet) Can't wait to read more of your blog and I'll be checking under the cushions of the couch so that I can order your book without delay. Thanks for making me feel as though I'm not the only one in the world like me!

Pineconelass said...

The thing that always get me about the elf being "Naughty" is that isn't he here to incourage the children to be "NIce", meaning on their best behavior. So how does being naughty help? I think some of the postive activiteis could be fine, but only as it fits into the family's standards, time, and energy.

Tami said...

You tell you kids not to lie but what is the first thing we do, is lie to them.. with all this make believe stuff..

RikkiGirl said...

Love this idea just in case I forget! Thanks!!

RikkiGirl said...

I couldn't believe they are $30 either. I have my grandmother's elves that I played with when I was a kid. I loved them so much and they look almost identical to the Elf on the Shelf. Glad I have her's now that she passed away in August. I am using two of them for my kids instead of buying the "real" Elf on the shelf :)

Anonymous said...

Just wait... it may become more fun. I knew about it for years, and never bought one. We actually never even did the Santa-as-a-real-guy thing, and had our own traditions which did not include presents from Santa. Now my kids are all over 7 and into their early teens and this elf is a riot!

None of them believe. There is no spying-elf factor, it's JUST humor. We have a great time with it, no pressure if it's forgotten because it's just for fun. Oldest even helps think up the crazy adventures. Plus the older they are, the further you can take the jokes. It's not like they are going to write on pictures because a stuffed elf did it.

Everybody has their thing. I don't cook, but I can totally do funny elf in compromising situations.

Anonymous said...

Many many many of us don't practice behavioral manipulation via Christmas. For many of us Christmas is about caroling, baking, giving, crafting, decorating, and feasting without any threatening.

Personally, bribery of being good to get presents is SO much more distasteful to me than having goofy fun with your kids by way of a precarious little stuffed elf.

Isn't it weird that so many people would be annoyed by me taking 5 minutes a night for a laugh, but don't think twice about spending hours shopping for the same kids? I'm just the opposite. I spend an hour ordering a few gifts on amazon and call it good. My focus is just more on fun moments and less on more stuff.

Anonymous said...

And, really, tomato-tomato.

I spend an hour or less ordering a few gifts on amazon, that's not a focus for me like it is for others. If I spend 5 minutes a night for 30 days (let's be generous) than I've spent 150 minutes on the elf. I'm pretty sure people spend that or more buying presents in the chaos of stores that I avoid at all costs.

I'm just spending my time on memories, not products.

Anonymous said...

In all fairness, the 101 elf idea *blog post* probably didn't take any longer to write than the *blog post* you're applauding.

Sharon said...

I watch Dexter and my hubs would *SOOO* DO THIS!!!! LOL...my kids would think it's a hoot!! But then again, they're old....16+

Allison said...

What I don't understand is, if the Elf is supposed to be "watching the kids" as a messenger to Santa, then why is he so doggone bad? What kind of example is that setting for them? The last sentence sent me over the edge.....love it!! Great tongue-in-cheek look at this new tradition!

SUEB0B said...

What kind of person doesn't have a toilet out on the front lawn? Mine's right out there next to the tractor tire filled with petunias. You can sit on the old sofa to enjoy the view.

That Girl said...

I'm pretty sure the idea is that there's some overindulgence going on

Campmom said...

Yay for a sense of humor!!! That is awesome!

Brandi said...

Um yeah..... that's awesome. Lol

Kris said...

That's because the 'tradition' only dates back to the long ago days of 2005. It started as a self-published book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Elf_on_the_Shelf - I guess they decided to use the old style elf, I remember those creepy things from when I was a kid too.

Iva said...

The lies are just too intricate. We never really *did* Santa.

Catherine Jones McClarin said...

I am currently counting my blessings that this stupid elf wasn't around when I was raising my son. Jeez!

Anonymous said...

I'm doing this for my 3 foster children, and I am not a valium or vodka user. I think the easiest "fix" for moms who are this upset about it is to not buy the elf at all. Just like everything else, it's a choice that you either make or don't make. I always laugh when people complain about something THEY committed to or decided to participate in. Personally, the elf has helped me get more into the spirit of the holidays, since my babies are probably leaving in January. It can be cathartic for some moms. I know I am certainly not trying to upstage anyone as a mother. I just want to give those kids some magical memories to carry through the rough road ahead.

Anonymous said...

I think it's sweet that you participate. My husband gets a good laugh out of my creativity with our elf, "Happy".

Anonymous said...

Word!

Ali Mc said...

I don't own the elf, nor will I ever but I thought this post was hilarious!!! I loved the closet response - I can't even believe that's an actual suggestion LOL

dez said...

lol wow a blog where the moms not perfect and her kids arnt angels ... thank god! i thought it was just me! i love to craft n get a fair amount done but i am also one of those super planners who get about 10% of it done lol. i got an elf year before last as a gift and had honestly never herd of it before. but i usually do forget to move him. But i did do pretty well last year only because i sat him on the tv stand after we found him and then i would remember because he was literally right in front of my face. but after pinning a tun of idea i think i used 3? and often would just stick him places the messes already were and blame it on him lol.

Unknown said...

Hysterical!! LMFAO! Our elf just arrived and I am trying to figure all this crap out before my 5 year old comes home from kindergarten. What did I get myself into? I don't think she is going to buy it all and I am sure she is going to "test the elf out" by being naughty! Uggg!

PastaMustachio said...

you know whats easy? just dont lie to your kids and tell them theres a santa or magical elves. i lost the santa battle. my girlfriend forced me into telling my daughter there was a santa. cant wait for the day her childhood is ruined by truth. fuck santa

Stephanie McVey said...

Love this!! Hilarious! My absolute favorites are the mothers who strategically place the elf somewhere in the home that will allow them to show off their homes, decorating capabilities or shall I say...lack thereof and then post the pictures on facebook! Really?? If I want to show off something I am proud of I simply post the picture and say hey.. look at what I did today and I must say I am pretty damn proud of myself! :)

Unknown said...

You are HILARIOUS!! <3 this .. right up my alley

Unknown said...

bahaha like

Unknown said...

hahaha like (maybe not for the kids) but pretty hilarious

Shannon said...

I love you. That is all.

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