People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

FB

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies



By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have.  The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year.  When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask.  I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it.  I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual.  ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star.  Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas.  I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa."  Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa!  As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?  It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf.  Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year.  He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday).  This year we left town and I forgot.  He waited until we came back and then he was ready to join our family.  Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times.  We are always forgetting to move him.  And it should not be difficult.  I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again.  I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked.  "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning."  WTF???  "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree!  Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!!  Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that?  I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree!  All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye?  I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone.  There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior.  People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse.  I read her blog and I got really pissed off.  I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog.  (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf.  ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.  As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1.  Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2.  Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously?  Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs?  The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll.  I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf.  We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him.  When does she do laundry?  When does she work?  And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20.  Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers.  A photograph is not one of those things.  It would take years to undo that damage if I did that.  I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home.  "The Elf did it!"

24.  Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him.  Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf.  So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32.  Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when?  4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another?  And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42.  Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them.  I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that.  I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off.  I'll bookmark that one.

44.  Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64.  Learn multiplication facts.

Huh?  Just set him on the table with flashcards?  I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80.  Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches.  (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93.  Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF?  Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard?  Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog!  Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad.  I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

This is an excerpt from my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Get the entire book here!

Follow me on Facebook, TwitterPinterest and Goodreads - I write good stuff all year round.  

829 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 829   Newer›   Newest»
elocin702 said...

Wow. Disturbing. Wish I had extra time to write an entire blog about how much I hate something. Guess I'm too busy moving my elf.

abandy said...

Guuuurl, I think you shut down the Blossom Bunkhouse site. Teeheehee :)

SixthGear said...

AWESOME!

anewsom726 said...

Thank you so much for this. I needed a really good laugh. I read it to my husband and we both were laughing so hard we started crying.

Kelly Coble said...

All of you who even have an Elf on the Shelf are making me look bad. I just keep telling my kids that we're not sure if we have an elf or not. If we do, ours is sneaky and hides really well, so he could be ANYWHERE watching them. It's much easier for me this way.

247Mommie said...

I'm sitting in the social security office looking like a complete moron, laughing out loud, security officer looking at me funny....thanks for that!!!!

ifiwerebraveblog said...

Love this whole post. Hate the elf. Hate.the.elf. Actually have to go move him now cause I forgot (again) last night.

mustangsally said...

This is such funny shit I nearly peed my pants! thanks for keeping it real!

Chrissy Cross said...

Exactly what I have been thinking lately. I do not have Elf on the Shelf and I don't intend to buy one. My kids better act right all year, not because a pretend Elf that works for a pretend Santa might be watching them. LOL!! You rock!

Marti {Pez-A-Doodle Designs} said...

BAH HAHHAHAHHAHHHA OMG a mom like ME!!! hell i refuse to even buy into ONE elf - i raised two kids with no elf i don't need one for this kid - that's $30 i could spend on something else!

melhhj1 said...

LOL! I hate that stupid elf and don't have one. I have enough to do at the holidays without worrying about moving a plastic toy every night. Why can't Santa just be watching with his Santa magic like when I was a kid? What happened to him that he now has to have spies do the work for him?

midlifenoncrisis said...

I am crying from laughing! Fantastic post!

I was completely busted out this year because my kids now know about the elves and no longer expect them to move. BUT I did some of the "naughty elf" crap a few years ago. I made a huge mess on the kitchen Island with scrap paper and markers and crayons, yadda, yadda. When my kids came down for breakfast they thought it was hilarious, but I acted like they just made a mess. "they are your elves, you need to clean up after them." And the boys did! So fast forward to this year when they realize that I made the mess that they had to clean up. Yeah, I had a good laugh about that one!

Riley's Custom Creations said...

Oh my gosh! Thank you for the laugh, although my coworkers probably think I'm really crazy now. I don't "Elf" and I have never understood why he would do all those naughty things either.

NB said...

The Blossom Bunkhouse link says "page not found". You must have scared her away.

Martha said...

Maybe your elf doesn't move at night because you don't BELIEVE enough....See, I was reading this Christmas book with my kids last night....

kmgamboa said...

We're seriously debating about a f-ing elf? We should punch ourselves in the throat. If this post lead to another site being taken down, that's just sad. There's a way to be funny, without being hurtful. I work full-time and occasionally forget to move the elf, but also occasionally think of something fun to have the elf do. To each her own. If we feel guilty about any of this sh-- then there are other underlying issues. Let's not hate on other moms if they want to spend their time trying to make life fun for their kids.

Suzi Cook said...

Thank you!! It really is all that we can do to remember where to hide the elf.

MWS said...

OK I almost threw up from laughing so hard!

priest's wife said...

No elf here- I think I would go a bit bonkers trying to remember to even move the guy

ThinkerBell said...

we let our stupid elf in the house to entice our children to be GOOD why on earth would he be naughty (that word in and of itself makes me picture the elf fornicating with the big purple stuffed Horton)...talk about a hypocritical elf! I'd rather explain why he didn't move than why he tattled on them for being bad when he's an evil little effer...

Jennifer said...

This post reminds me again why I am so glad we just don't do Santa Clause at our house. Then, there's no reason to do the Elf thing either!

Ellie said...

Funny yes but why publicly lampoon another Mom and link her blog? Not cool. I see she has taken her blog down at least for now.

kidsrule! said...

THIS IS FUNNY! I'm a mom who should be punched in the neck from time to time, but there is really no need to be so insecure that you get angry and defensive about this. You'd just have to be dead not to think the part where Hubs sat on the elf isn't funny...or Elf with tubes and hoses in a coma! Good stuff. No one needs an elf to be a good parent, we just need to do what ever it is that comes naturally to us. For those of you who got defensive about this--lighten up and just smile! Your kids will be happier if you do. Sheesh.

-Becky said...

I don't get it, why is the elf CAUSING trouble? I mean, I don't have kids yet or anything, but isn't the whole point of the elf to enforce your kid's GOOD behavior this time of year? I don't see how making messes and taking ornaments off of a tree is going to help that, because then the kids will think it's ok to do that sort of thing, right?

Edna said...

OMG I just love you. Period. End of story. Now, get out of my head! ;-)

Crystal said...

I guess I am overacheiving Elf mom too. I also don't berate and bully a person from my blog. It's one thing to have this post. It's another to directly link it to another blogger. Shame on you. It appears that you have done enough damage to have her leave the internet for the time being. Well done bully.

natesmom said...

Love this! Got an elf this year for our youngest who is 7. She loves it. He only moves every couple of days- just about the time she is questioning his "magic", he remembers to move again. No pranks- just moves around from room to room occasionally.

I LOVE the idea of the picture of the elf on her head while she's sleeping. Could be mean, but if my putting a toy zombie baby from Halloween under her covers for her to unexpectedly pull back and see before bed one night or putting little noisemakers (www.thinkgeek.com - totally had my kids thinking we had ghosts in the house!) in my boys' room that sounded like voices whispering or a child laughing coming from the vents didn't scar them for life, I don't guess an elf on their heads would... :)

Definitely subscribing to this blog!

Andrea said...

Here is my response to you!

http://andreasonlinemind.blogspot.com/2011/12/elf-on-shelf.html

NatalieS said...

I actually think the Blossom Bunkhouse blog sounds awesome from what is written here and I hope that it is up and running again soon! Just remember Blossom Bunkhouse - Insults that are hurled either outright or defended as “just a joke” are often signs of jealousy. Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius. They laughed at Einstien and Columbus too!

Bless all of you mommies regardless of your elf's (or lack thereof) energy levels!

the food yenta said...

love. i just laughed so hard.

Farmerswife said...

If the whole point is to encourage your children to be good, why would you have the elf do naughty things? Nothing like teaching children do as I say and not as I do. :P

Marlene, Baby Monzon Shower Coordinator said...

Since there seem to be about five million comments on this already, I'm sure that my suggestion has already been made. How about using Elf on a Shelf to teach small appliance safety. Maybe he was being naughty and using the blender without permission or supervision and fell in. A mistake he will not be making twice. Then you wouldn't ever have to worry about moving the stupid thing ever again.

Molly said...

I want to see some pics of the EOTS doing some REALLY naughty things. Rated R stuff with another EOTS. That would really be great to wake up to see!

Confessions of a PTO Mom said...

Ours moves when they are at school 'cause I'm too tired to remember at night. That is... he moves when I remember.

Amy Page Smith said...

My elf has not done a single thing since his arrival except sit his ass on the mantle. That is where he will remain - until he goes home.

Check out this elf - he is on a completely different level of naughty!

http://whitebreadlife.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/you-put-your-elf-up-on-a-pedestal-and-wait-for-him-to-fall/

14220d3a-2750-11e1-81fa-000bcdcb2996 said...

Our elf moves from pllace to place when I remeber. If I forget I just tell the kids there was a bad storm at the North Pole so he couldn't go works wonders. I don't even have to make up a reason why he didnt move. when they find him in the same place they just say "there was a storm at the north pole again.

GOODE TIME GIRLS! said...

Some of these comments are so sad! I am glad I am not a Scrooge!! Maybe a good anti-depressant would make you more fun? Just a thought! I agree that I am NEVER moving clothes from a different closet, sending the kids the wrong lunch, making myself have generally more work to do than I already have, and 101 things is crazy, but the elf is fun! My kids love it! My daughter was asking in August when does Nikki come back? And it definitely keeps her wild behavior in check during a crazy busy time of year. And I also am NOT medicated, just a mama who likes to have fun with my babies! Loved the commentating by the blog. Too funny. Merry Christmas to all of you!

threesofar said...

This cracks me up...I've been seeing pictures of people's elves leaving presents for their kids, little pranks the elf has played, etc. 1. Isn't Santa supposed to bring the gifts? 2. What the what is up with the elf, who is supposed to be keeping watch to make sure the little angels aren't naughty, being a rat bastard himself. 3. It's probably bad, but I just tell my kids that the elf is for kids who are really bad and need extra surveillance from Santa. We don't have an elf, but we do have Santa Cameras installed in every smoke detector, light fixture, rear-view mirror in the car, etc. I even went so far as to show my daughter (before she could read...now I'm screwed on this one, because she's asked to look up where else they are installed in the house) where Santa's cameras were in the owner's manual for our house. Under "electrical," of course. Santa keeps those kids in check all year, and the elf helps when I have to say, "I just hope there isn't an elf at our house when we get home." Is that bad?

Michele said...

made my day!

phraug said...

that was hysterical. although, i think you hurt her feelings....can't access the blog O_o

Bliss Images and Beyond said...

At first, I thought this was hilarious, as did a lot of people here. I truly thought that it was all tongue-in-cheek and was meant to poke fun at the masses. But, reading into it further, I realize that you have singled out a mom that just wanted to share some ideas that her family enjoys for the holiday. Just because you think it may be silly or too much work for you, I don't think singling her out was necessary. She has removed her blog, and I am so sad that it came to that. This could have been done in a more tasteful manner, in my opinion.

Jenn said...

Freakin Hysterical! I don't own one..and glad I don't now. Good Grief I haven't even gotten my kids to the mall to see Santa yet let alone have to worry every night about moving that creepy little thing that looks like it's from a bad 80's horror flick around the house. I never realized all that was involved for it. ugh...like mom's need one more thing to worry about doing this time of year!

West Michigan Mommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Claire said...

OMFG. I just found your blog. Will you be my new best friend? You are freaking hilarious. LOL, Excellent and funny post. If I were to hav an elf (which I most sincerely will not be getting because my kids think they are "creepy and weird", mine would be doing much "naughtier" things ;) (but that don't involve any cleaning up, lol).

signs-your-elf-on-the-shelf-is-on-the-naughty-list said...

Firstly let me say that my friend posted this on my FB page because she thinks you should meet my pill-popping whorish elf. And me.

So. When are you coming over for coffee?
When you are here, my Elf will most likely be in the same spot as he was the day before and the day before that because GODDAMMITHELIKESTHATSPOT.

And yes, I am one of those people who has pictures of her Elf masturbating to Elf Porn on her laptop at night because, quite frankly, I was high on pain meds the week that I had surgery on my asshole and it amused me. (See that here: http://wp.me/phY0m-Tf )

But I only did it once.

Secondly, you will not find my Elf doing anything particularly cute (unless you find sitting on my mantle...then the tree...then the shelf "cute") because I have cereal stuck in yogurt under my kitchen table that is 3-6 days old. If I'm not on top of that shizz, there's no way in hezzel that I'm making an ADDITIONAL mess to (maybe eventually) clean up.

No thanks.

So. I'm with you on the neck punch. And may I please add on a shin kick?

Thanks. And rock on.

cmclark said...

Where is everyone's magic of Christmas??? It's fun! My Family and sons have a complete blast with the Elf. Christmas is about Celebrating Jesus, Family, friends, fun and magical experiences of childhood. Create memories with your children.

melanie said...

Hilarious!

Whitney @ ElementalStyles said...

I just found your blog and I love it!! I actually had to google this elf thing though because I'd never heard of it! Sounds like too much work to me :)

B Candid said...

Ver funny! We do wacky things with out Elf. This year he got into the candy. The fun dip was running across the table in a "line" and he was wearing candy wrappers. It was hilarious. I AM NOT buying two of those things. Mine is a vintage 1950's Elf. My kids need something to fight over when I'm dead because I'm burning thru my cash before I go.

hollabaloo said...

HILARIOUS. I just learned of this silly Elf on a Shelf craze this Christmas. I saw my little cousins receiving them as presents and their parents posting pictures on Facebook of where the Elf was today. I didn't understand it all.

This totally clears it up! :) Hahaha.

danib said...

I didnt even know these things existed. Im really glad about that. But how the hell does it actually work on keeping your kids in line? I know my bro/sis and i would have probably just opened it up and sewn a parasitic twin coming out of its belly or something.

LilyPetals said...

God Bless you!!!!! I needed that. No where did I put that danged ol elf - oh yeah. He's STILL on the Christmas countdown calendar (4 days in a row) I think!

Glass of Whine said...

I am actually selling that dumb ass elf. I wanted it to be fun, but it scares the crap out of my children.

crg said...

I laughed so hard I cried. It is especially funny to me b/c my SIL is on of these moms. She has been telling me about her naughty elf. I just smile and nod. I have an elf, and like you I often forget to move him. The kids don't seem to mind.

Jen said...

Naughty, my ass. Just have that Elf doing Barbie from behind and watch everyone shut up. Just sayin'.

Historychick said...

Love.Your.Blog.

Tania @ Carnoustie Lane said...

Exactly! Imagination is best left up to the kids. I won't get an elf because I can barely remember the tooth fairy visit!

Reigh said...

Nice rant. Funny thing, one of the people who linked this article on FB is actually one of the moms who do this stuff. She isn't "one of those moms" though, of course!

KHGeary said...

Hilarious! You had me and my husband cracking up! I'm with ya, sister!

Natalie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SkiTwo said...

We just have an Evil Elf Association---the kids can use it to leave stuff for us around the house--they do something nice and say the elf "repented" but then we get to hide our kids presents in fun places so they have to find them on Christmas morning. We don't do something every day and I always forget about it until the kids bring the behavior out each Christmas. We let them run it and tell them to keep it clean! It is so much fun!

Lindsay said...

This is a link to a column by Robert Kirby, and his attempt to kill the Elf on the Shelf.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/53037867-80/christmas-elf-santa-kirby.html.csp

Michelle McCleod said...

The Blossom Bunkhouse post is down. Hope she didn't get scared off.

I've seen lots of Elf on the Shelf pics on Pinterest. It's kind of cute, in an overachieving 'I'm on my second bottle of wine after the kids are in bed way.'

Over here, we are terrified of the elf. If you read the story, he sounds like a stalker. Even my kid, at 3, has enough sense to know how creepy it is to have an elf watching your every move. She wants nothing to do with it and I don't blame her.

Although I do think #42 is evil genius.

M

davidbell67 said...

I didn't read all the comments so someone might have already mentioned this....but maybe you can amuse yourself and look up the websites that list inappropriate things to do with your elf.....

allenaim photography and design said...

I get the humor, but if I were on the other end of your tirade, I would be hurt. Hope you haven't really made someone's life miserable with a single post.

Momma said...

LOVE this! My sentiments exactly. I wrote a similar blog last week. Feel free to read and pass on or delete.

http://mommas-musings-by-momma.blogspot.com/2011/12/tis-season-of-lying-i-mean-that-in-good.html

The Elf is just one more thing I have to do before I pass out at night, so it usually doesn't get done! Love your blog. Great stuff
Michelle

Sue Reddel said...

Hysterical, even though I'm not a Mom I can appreciate your story. I have absolutely no idea how any of you Moms raise kids, keep house, keep your husbands and keep your sanity, especially without a little help from drugs or booze. Kudos to you for finding the humor in it.

Jill Densa said...

As a teacher and a mom, I cannot help but LMAO at the blog and the comments. I can barley make to bed time and remember to move the elf, but jeez--100 things to do with it--whatev! I do not have 100 places for the crazy craze to visit daily--
my thoughts--just have fun with it and know--it won't be long until your kids don't believe--so less is best! Enjoy your kids....

Daddy Knows Less said...

Fabulous. Shared with my Facebook crew. They'll love this. Rock on.

mizunogirl said...

OMG OMG I think you are doing good just to move the elf around a bit.. Havea pillow fight? OMG, I think the elf could leave some small notes, around but thats it!

Stacy Frisbie said...

I absolutely love this post. It cracks me up. I do a few things here and there, but they're nice things a helpful elf would do. Like fold the laundry for a tired mom, and sit on top of the folded clothes in the morning, or pour the kids cereal in the morning and sit on top of the box, all they have to do is add milk. Thanks for a laugh!

rljake1227 said...

I laughed so hard I am crying! So true! And my kid had the nerve to ask for the Death Star this year! Damn elf!

Twilight Junkie said...

Hilarious! That is all - gotta go move my effing elf.

kstpeter1 said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read!!! I am literally crying after reading it. We have an elf and I can totally relate to everything you said. I just tell my daughter he likes the view from where he is when I forget to move him. And I tell her how lucky we are that we have a nice elf instead of one of those naughty ones.

Amy Wente said...

Thanks for telling it like it is. It's even better when your 3 year old daughter could give a flying fu** about the Elf. She could care less, she knows she will still rake it in with the gifts. She's unbribeable. Sucks for me. My girlfriends and I were just discussing over achiever moms and why we want to punch them in the throat last night. We could have gone on for hours.

Side note, I want to punch stupid people that BACK INTO PARKING SPOTS right next to you when you are trying to get your 400 bags out of the car and there are 500 other available parking spots. WTF? A lady has done it 3 times this week to me. She's about to get punched.

beyondblessedX2 said...

Oh my gosh! This is too funny! I try to do things to create fun memories for my 2 kids but never to this degree! This is insane! Who actually does that stuff??! What sucks is my oldest is 6 and I have "been meaning to" buy the elf for 5 years but keep forgetting. If I can't even remember to buy it every year I sure can't remember to move the dang thing around evey night lol!! Still laughing at this...

gesvol said...

Great post! (And judging my the number of comments, you have obviously struck a nerve!)

I tend to believe for the "overachievers", the whole "naughty" act is a lot more about the adults being able to brag about what super awesome parents they are then it about bringing joy to their kids. (I may be wrong, to be fair as a non-parent I really don't know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, I think you have an awesome blog, FWIW.

Lauren Greene said...

Ha Ha! This is so funny. We don't even have an Elf on the Shelf, so I must really be a bad Mommy. Mine would definitely be found drinking beer!

Lauren
lululandadventures.blogspot.com

Dina said...

Brava ! Beautifully written !!!!

Shannon said...

I just tell our kids that our elf parties a lot. And he's lazy. And WHO THE HECK decided he needs to make an appearance at Thanksgiving???? Ours shows up whenever he feels like it, in December. Because he's slow, too.

Thanks for the laugh, this was an awesome post and I will totally be sharing it!!!

Sonia Guerra said...

"$200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK?" As a grandma of 4 I say- ARE YOU CRAZY??? Remember- Karma. You two will one day join my ranks; hope you win the lotto by then! ;)

MA Mom said...

great post! had me laughing the entire time! checked out Blossom's 101 post. Did you notice she changed #93? Now it reads: punch a stuffed animal in the throat. Maybe she's thanking you for all the extra traffic on her site?

Brenna said...

I don't even own one of those elves and I'm proud of it. I don't need to work that hard just to lie to my children.

bmonska said...

One of my friends put the Elf on her lamp hidden a bit by the shade. She didn't think about the fact that she would forget to move him and then proceed to turn on the light and burn the Elf's inside thigh and belly. Oops. She told her kid that he had a rough ride back from the North Pole!

Unknown said...

This is Blossom Bunkhouse, Ha, Just kidding!! I f-ing love this. It's as if we are like-minds. Sisters even. Okay, I've gone too far. I just read your one post. But I'm practically blogging about the same thing. Read- frugalistablog.com "Lying to our kids and other natural parenting tactics".
Also, I just bought this demented looking posable monkey, that I'm calling "Damien the Christmas Monkey". He looks evil. My kids are scared of him. So I just put him places to scare the shit out of them. I tell them if they're good, he'll go away...Genius I think.

chilikitty said...

First of all, why can't kids just believe in Santa... I mean I gave my best friend till at least 3rd grade before I broke the news to her that there was no Santa... When did this crap start? I am so glad my kids are in college...

noma said...

I like your humor, but not your "x-rated" words. As for the elf, I don't think we should scare children into being good.

Angela (Toucan Scraps) said...

I fall right off the bottom and a can't be bother to over achieve in anything mother. Santa doesn't even visit our house. Presnts are from families only. We told our kids that dressing up in a red suit and giving out presents is a game some men like to play at Christmas time. So if they see one they happily run over to see if he has any presents to give them but don't expect him to bring anything to the house on Christmas Day. So no elves either ...

Splasher said...

I'm pretty sure we have the only Elf in Tasmania, Australia, thanks to my college roomie who sent him to us a few years ago... Honestly, I HATE that Elf!! The kids truly believe though, so I feel obliged to keep up the facade.. (sigh!)

kapicmax said...

I didn't read all of the comments, so I may be repeating. I did read quite a few, and I didn't see this point yet. Why the HELL would we want to teach our children that it's FUNNY to do NAUGHTY things??? Why would the elf who is supposed to be keeping the children's behavior in check make such naughtiness??? If Santa's little elf thinks its ok to break pillows, then its ok for me too! Great messageto send our kids in this already screwed up world. Dumb dumb dumb. The elf has to set a good example!

The Joy's said...

I cracked up, awesome post! But I have to admit, I'm that mom. Well, not to the extreme of 101 things and a white trash toilet but enough things to make it to Christmas. And honestly, all it takes is 5 minutes max to pose an elf (any more and you're just setting yourself up for punishment). It also helps that I'm an artist with an extremely over active imagination that is reliving a childhood she didn't have. Oh, and the 2 kids in school, a hatred of procrastination and 8 hrs a day with nothing to do helps too, but yeah, seriously, 5 minutes or less.

Laura@JourneyChic said...

Hahahah! This was great! Although I think she changed #93: It now says "Punch stuffed animal in the throat." :-) Yes, next year when we have an elf I'm sure I'll do a few of the cute and achievable ideas on her list, but there's no way that elf's gonna leave mayhem that I will have to clean up!

Tara said...

Totally agree... My kids have heard about the elf on the shelf and I explained it to them and they are still waiting for it to arrive... I can only imagine my husband will be a slacker with moving it too. And by the time I personally have finished daily job as a mother and housewife, I know I will forget too!!!

My only other question is, isn't the point of the elf on the shelf to keep your kids in line? Making him or her do a bunch of "naughty" things, isn't that sending a mixed message?? I'd think so! Kids you behave while the elf on the shelf does all the naughty stuff!!! Bull I would be sending away to Santa for a good little elf!!!!!

Lynn said...

After reading your posts, I've decided you must be my long lost best friend/soul mate. You totally rock!

Momof2BoysHiYo said...

I love this blog - I'm not much on blogs - but I will follow you from now on because you tell it like it is. This was a timely read for me because I've been seeing all of the hype on my fb over the influx of elves. Some of these elves even have their own "album" of pictures entitled, "The Adventures of Fred,George,etc." with pictures of him in the cabinet drinking syrup, doing snowangels in powdered sugar, etc. Seriously? Like a mom of two boys needs any other messes around the house to clean up. Well, the other day before school, my kids were pretty upset that Connor had not moved the night before (I forgot, dammit!). I figured I would move him real quick when they weren't looking. Well I got caught and had to make up something along the lines of Connor jumped onto me for a ride (pre-coffee explanation I'm sure). How believable this was I couldn't tell. I'm sure my children are running this by their friends at the lunch table and some of them aren't buying it. Go me. Who wrote this book anyways? I can understand the kids not touching the elf - Connor would be laid up in the batcave in pieces after getting jumped by Batman and his superhero friends. But parents too? I laid in bed last night after having forgotten to move him again - and said to myself - how many parents just finally laid down in their nice comfee beds to realize that they had forgotten to move the little bastard? I actually debated chancing it and going to sleep - then pulled my butt out of bed and moved him. Kudos to whoever invented this little idea - talk about power.

The Liebers said...

Our elf is a total slacker too! He only goes to visit Santa once a week, because that's as often as I remember to move him. There are only about three choices for him to be anyway. The first year I tried moving him every day and I got too frustrated. Lazy Elves of the World Unite!!

h2opoloqt said...

This is hilarious....half the time I text my husband downstairs to remind him to move " sweet Caroline". Besides.....we are already Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc.....

h2opoloqt said...

This is hilarious....half the time I text my husband downstairs to remind him to move " sweet Caroline". Besides.....we are already Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc.....

heatherchristenaschmidt.com said...

I am getting so sick and tired of these people that have turned parenting into some completely idiotic and cutesy game of overindulgence and "look at how super I am" - it is stupid and unnecessary and thank you so much for this post! I didn't know what an Elf on the shelf was until now and I still don't plan on running out and getting one for my kids because I have other ways of disciplining them (like being a good role model and teaching them that being good is about being good, not being good to get presents). It sounds like the overachieving parents out there have missed the point of the Elf entirely. It also sounds like if you really and truly need a plastic character to keep your kids in line for one month out of the year, you've got more systemic problems in your household than whether or not you can think up enough "naughty" and "evil" things for your elf to do like bake cookies in the middle of the night and leave a mess (which is so lame I don't even know where to begin). Thanks so much again!!

Selock said...

Also a proud non-elf owner over here. The glass pickle on the tree is way simpler, as is the fact that the elf that hides it only ever brings pajamas as a reward for finding it. Fun traditions need not require mania!

Coffee Lovin' Mom said...

I forget to be the toothfairy...there is no way this would have worked in my house. My daughter's teacher has one in the classroom..you'll back me up when I slug her right?

Happyscrapper42 said...

Not sure I want to instill those value in my children if I want them to be on the nice list why would Santa send a naughty elf? And why on earth would I make more mess that I, yes I, have to clean up. Some may think it's fun but only until your child throws marshhmellows all over or writes on your walls- then it's not so funny.

Lewmans Love said...

Heaven forbid you instill creative imaginative memories for your children. Boo to you and your bah-humbug rant.

jennie said...

As one under-achieving Mom to another, I raise my vodka tonic to you! Our damn elf has three spots, and one more the other morning on top of the microwave, until I moved him early the next morning (stalling my 7 year old) and noticed the dust and grease on his ass from the top of the unclean microwave. Yes, our kids will grow up with realistic expectations about life :)

Kimmie @ Sugar and Dots said...

This officially my favorite post of all time. Our Elf has moved 10 times since Thanksgiving night- And he's moved to the most obvious, boring places. LOVE this.

Jen said...

That little freak is causing quite the uproar!

I don't trust that elf, not one bit.

Your post encouraged the eCard below. :)

http://hahasforhoohas.com/elf-on-a-shelf-funny-ecard/

Jen

Jenny

Raylea said...

Um. So I noticed in the pic of the red-carpet-entrance-elf...the photos on the mantle are of a BABY. Please TELL ME that mom has a child that will actually remember the elf's antics. Have mercy!

Raylea said...

Um. So I noticed in the pic of the red-carpet-entrance-elf...the photos on the mantle are of a BABY. Please TELL ME that mom has a child that will actually remember the elf's antics. Have mercy!

Mommy PR said...

Freaking hilarious. :)

Fadderly said...

wow! for a second there i thought i was reading a post off my blog. love where your head is at! i got my eye on you!!!

Kristen said...

Jesus H. Christ. Like someone had to invent something else for parents to do (and lie to their kids about) during the holidays. When I saw friends posting about this on Facebook I had to ask what the heck they were talking about. I can't believe how many people got roped into participating in this garbage, and I think that that Danielle must be getting some kind of proceeds from the Elf manufacturers that allows her to sit around all day dreaming up "crazy mischief" that she can post about. Seriously, who on earth messes up their house just to clean it up themselves in order to entertain children??

I think I'll tell my kid to go tell all the other kids that the elf is a crock and to go bury them in the back yard. ;-)

DealiriousMama said...

I almost gave into the pressure this year and bought a damn elf. Thanks for smacking some sense back into me.

Carol said...

OMG, thanks I think I just laughed so hard I wet myself. Thanks for the much needed laugh today!

Dana said...

Loved your posts...but come one...isn't it super exciting to see your kids faces searching for their elf, that they named, each morning?! They feel so special that Santa sent them an elf to spend time with them before Christmas. I cracked up though because some do go way to the extreme, probably my husband has done some, but it is only because it brings a huge smile to our childrens faces.

Amy said...

Super fun read! I'm glad to not be alone in forgetting to move our lil' TJ. We don't put it in my son's room, largely because of the creep factor, but have been enjoying him nonetheless. Looks like this blog touched a nerve. The "other" blog has changed #93 (or #96, whatever - they're all pretty lame, or just stupid messy) to "Punch a stuffed animal in the throat". Heh!

Erin Lafleur said...

You need to go to barnes and nobles and find a copy of Elf off the shelf. It is a hillarious parody on the whole idea with one of the elves who got mad because they gave him a lame name and are putting him in rediculous places like peeking out from behind the toilet. The whole thing is illustrated with photography staged with one of the real dolls. A definite read for those laughing at how this elf thing has become a little over the top.

Mama D! said...

Thanks! We still don't own an elf and I'm ok with that. My kids would fight over who got handed down the elf anyway - and I'm not having FOUR elves to fix that problem.
Thanks for your thoughtful post!

Amy Vermillion @ Martineau Vermillion Interior Design said...

Fantastic
I've been known offer my husband one hundred dollars if he'd get out of bed and switch our elf's position. He wanted something else. I moved the elf.

Tara said...

LOL Okay thank you for making me laugh! Great post!

Chunky Monkey said...

My kid caught me moving our elf this morning!! I haven't done anything "fun" with our elf but I did see something HILARIOUS. Dick in a box with Ken and barbies. That.....was funny.

Leigh said...

Someone sent me the link to this post today, and I'm so happy they did because it was hysterical. I became an instant fan of yours. I will definitely be following your blog from now on!

KCSunshine said...

That bitch be crazy. Couldn't she help the homeless or something?

danielle said...

Ladies, you are all missing the point. If you own an elf, then you can safely say you have joined the madness

K. said...

Wow....you need to calm the fuck down. I don't do this elf-on-a-shelf thing, but neither do I bitch about people who do it and do it well. Honestly, it sounds like you're lazy as fuck - moving it back and forth between two shelves? Why are you even doing this?

ps - you know you can get feathers from places besides feather pillows?

The Southern Girl's Guide said...

I really enjoyed this post! Coming from a mom who (accidently) let her two year old watch as Friendly the Elf burned, I too realized that I don't have more than the occasional shelf relocation up my sleeve! We also had to buy two elves but not for fun http://guidetomakingahappyhome.blogspot.com/2011/11/quick-tip-tuesday-what-not-to-do-to.html

Crystal O'Connor said...

Great sense of humor...however, I wouldn't have wanted you as a Mom. I won't be popular here by saying this...but I had a Mom with this same attitude. My childhood wasn't that great or FUN...actually it kinda sucked. I'm striving to be FUN, messy and I'm okay with being a VERY cool Mom....which I guess will be loathed by many. I'm okay with that...I'm being the Mom I wished Id always had and not giving a sh*t what others Moms think.

Amber M said...

I am confused as to why you would get an elf on the shelf so that your kids will act right, and then have the elf do naughty things??? Isn't that a little on the contradictory side? "Hey kids. Here is one of Santa's elves that is going to keep an eye on you and go back and tell Santa everything. So, don't be bad!" and then the kids wake up to the elf destroying the whole damn house and crapping on the front yard? Stupid. I loved your blog! It was HILARIOUS!

janflora said...

Hands down best thing I have read on the net in ages :) I am still laughing through tears. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. Kudos!
We were gifted an elf a couple years ago and he's been pissing me off too. My kids say "Mom the elf hasn't moved in five days!" I say, "I guess he likes it there." I don't get those crazy 101 ideas at all. He is supposed to make sure they are good, not make trouble too, right? Am I missing something? I don't think I actually read the book at all...It's on my list.
Merry Christmas to you! Heart, Your New Biggest Fan

Bradley Robertson said...

Have not laughed this hard in a while, I am in your boat girl!!!

domesticgoddesswant2be said...

I kind of think it is funny that when you go to the post about the 101 things your elf can do... she added "punch your stuffed animal in the throat" and it links back to here.

RJ said...

I just tell my kids if Santa sees toys all over the floor, and no clothes hung up, he is going to think they have too many toys, and need more clothes... Screw the Elf, I threaten with clothing for Christmas. Works every year.

Andrea said...

Bitter much? It is worth a little bit of effort and time to bring some more joy into your kid's life. It really isn't hard. It would only take a fraction of the amount of time you wasted writing this.

Crystal O'Connor said...

Love that Andrea!

Leah Downs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the.mrs. said...

i by no means find myself to think im a super mom, infact i am that woman at the store w/my one year old and four year old w/frizzy hair, sticky hands and slobber all ove rmy shirt.. however.. the fact that you're berading people over making their kids laugh every morning.. what kinda mom wouldnt wanna do that? this is our first year doing elf on the shelf and my kids have loved it even my one year old..he doesnt always do naughty things, but sometimes he does.. BIG DEAL, if i have to clean something up after him, i do it at nap time.. and i am thankful for these memories.. ive forgotten to move him several times, but they're still as excited to see him there the next day..so after reading around on your blog.. for this post i want to punch YOU in the face. but i hate to admit i do like ur bladder of steel post.

Shelli said...

Being Jewish, we don't have any elves on shelves here, but I pissed myself at #42, and would totally do that just to torture my kids in the summer..

Unknown said...

I can't wait for your Christmas Letter ... you are hysterical! You ever decide to take your show on the road, let me know cuz I'm first in line for front row seats ... if Roseanne Barr can do it, you DEFINITELY have the Right Stuff... Thanks for the Laughs ~ and the ideas ~ I have a friend with a Shelf Elf (who is always reminding me what a slacker Mom I am because I raised 3 kids without a freaking ELF! and I can't WAIT to share this with her!

crittersandcrayons said...

Okay- So I run a blog about making homemade crap but I also suck at Elf and the Shelf. I finally took him out of our ceiling fan in October. And I have forgotten to put him up each day- even though I'm in the blog world full of Elf on the Shelf ideas. My daughter found him laying on the bookshelf this morning and I told her he was napping. I still haven't put him out yet. I really suck at Elf and Shelf. I loved this post. you have no idea!

Cheryl said...

A coma? Why didn't I think of that? Our elf disappeared after day 2. I have no idea where in the heck he is. Abduction? Is that too brutal to share with the kids?

Jennifer said...

Umm, if the elf is there to make sure your kids behave, why on earth would you have the elf be naughty? Doesn't even make sense to me...

Jennifer said...

Umm...if we are using the elf to have our children behave, why on earth would we have the elf act naughty? Doesn't make much sense to me...

bert811 said...

Like you, I don't have the time to read the above 132 comments. This may be a duplicate, and I don't care.

Last year my daughter came home and told me an elf on the shelf was coming tonight because she asked Santa for one, and that a girl at school had shown it to her. "WTH?" I asked mhyself. I had to look up Elf on the Shelf and found out that I needed to go out after she fell asleep and find one or crush her belief in Santa.

Back at home, I Facebooked about wanting to throat punch the bastard that came up with this idea. I played along. Simple things like swinging from the Christmas tree with her dirty panties she threw on the floor. Hand in a bottle of Asprin sitting in a drawer from all the bickering from the kids. The second Elf (the non flying fuzzy friend came this year. They both got into my liquor cabinet and one emptied a flask, the other had a filled shot glass.

In all, she's an honor roll student in elementary school. I guess I can make the sacrifices for her to enjoy as long as the little bastards stay out of my pills and liquor. This elf needs those!

Jill Griffey said...

LMBO! OMG - this is by far the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I am with you! I never even heard of Elf on A Shelf until today. I saw a high school friend post pics of her Elf and I was like "WTF is that??" I thought that would be cool to get for my kids but I guess I did not understand the logistics of the hole "Elf-mania" until I read this blog. Nope. No Elf in my home. I will get one, keep it packaged, and give it to them when they have children so they can loathe me while finally seeing how much I did for them already without having to trash my house or work anymore than I already do. Thanks for the perk! Good luck with the Elf.

173e9b02-2870-11e1-a26c-000bcdcb2996 said...

My youngest is almost 17, so Elf is not a part of our lives (have listened to my friends with younger kids plan ridiculous elf things).Fairly sure my elf would have been a flop. I was often a tooth fairy failure.
Won't be long & you will have car keys to dangle over your kids' heads. It's so much better than Santa!
Btw - loved the article. Laughed out loud.

Skye said...

I LOVE this post. Thank you for being a REAL mom. I sure as hell don't have time to clean up any additional messes on top of all the messes my kids already make. We don't have a stupid elf and now I'm REALLY glad we don't. You're awesome and your kids are going to grow up happy, seriously.

mgreg said...

I literally laughed my ass off reading this today. My husband thought I had lost my mind. Our lazy elf has not moved in days. Just today, my daughter came home from school telling me how "Michael's elf was hiding in his backpack today!" GMAB! Then she told me that our elf must like where he is right now, since he hasn't moved. Girl after my own heart.

Thanks for the great laughs! Love your writing style.. sick and twisted, just like me. :)

Patrick said...

How's this? Do you want to punch me in the throat?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2824564980051&l=e21f1f9e6c

Lindsey said...

This was completely hilarious!! I LOL as I was reading it to my husband! We do have an ELF... and I am enjoying it more than the kids, I think. I work, and have 3 kids (ages 6,6,and soon to be 8). Trust me, I'm not going to do anymore than I have too...I don't have time. I can't even remember when I watched TV the last time. However, the kids are getting up in the mornings without me having to constantly nag them time and time again...that is worth it to me! Mornings around here are like a 5 mile run...ugh! Also, they can't wait to see what the Elf has done next-so far-he has spelled their names out in marshmallows (took literally 5 min to do and even less to clean up), drank hot chocolate, spelled their names on the refrig with little letter magnets, hung from the fan, sat on the Christmas tree, and yes...sat on the shelf...OMG!!! This morning the kids will find that our Elf, Ming-Ming, has drawn on a family pic with dry erase markers...took less than 5min to do-I drew elf like ears and hats on all of us, but they will laugh and get a kick out of it, then go on about their day! Its all in good fun..no harm done. You won't find me making the huge messes though..nothing that takes more than a minute or so to clean up. The kids do enough mess making. Also, our Elf is going to be leaving an ornament on the morning of Christmas Eve (because he leaves for the year when Santa comes) that the kids can hang on the tree that explains the real meaning of CHRISTmas... Jesus! And my kids are well aware of that! Merry Christmas to all!

Droid said...

Single Dad of 3 here!
Hey, All you whining and complaining "regular mom's" wanna see how it's done?
http://elvesonschristmas.blogspot.com

Jenn said...

THAT was awesome! Still laughing!!

Brenz86 said...

Thank you, I needed a good laugh! Some people have way too much time on their hands! When we forget to move our Elf we just tell the kids the Elf probably didn't want to report back to Santa because they weren't getting along the day before. Then they are VERY nice to each other. Merry Christmas!

The Cribkeeper said...

You are hilarious. I just stumbled upon your blog, and I love it. FINALLY, someone else who shares my cynical and bitter view of parenting and the rest of the world! We, too, have an Elf on the Shelf (a.k.a. an elf my grandmother hot-glued together 25 years ago that I accidentally unearthed in an ancient box in the garage), and his f-ing feet and hands keep falling off every time I try to move him. I did it maybe 5 times before I handed over the responsibility to my husband to "enjoy". Ha.

Annie said...

I thought this was funny, but then I tried to link to Blossom Bunkhouse and saw she had taken her site down and then...I realized that she had been bullied. Sure, I don't have the desire or energy to do most of these things with our elf, but I kind of wish I did. I wish I was one of those moms who did silly crazy stuff at night to make fun memories for their kids. Maybe Blossom's ideas as a whole are a bit much for me, but I'll bet there were a few I could have used. I think it sucks that her blog was publicly ridiculed and linked to - opening her up to what I can only assume was further bullying, leading her to take her site down. I am becoming less and less snarky these days and this is why. How can I preach to my daughter to be kind to others, and then laugh my ass off when grown ups do it to each other?

Denise said...

thank your for laugh i really needed. your comment about putting the elf in a coma... PRICELESS!!!!!!
Thank you for also inspiring me to take my SELF INFLICTED sensors off of my own blog. would love to add you to my blog roll.

Denise
www.behindthesmiles.com

Carolina said...

I'm in denial about elf on a shelf.....la la la...I can't hear you...so have never bought one, but loved your commentary on them as I have plenty of friends who talk "elf" ad nauseum. o_O Now I can actually LMAO at those fools! Thanks for making me feel normal.

toulouse said...

You really have it together when compared to me. I got as far as the thought of getting an Elf on the Shelf and no further. That's what a loser mom I am.
And all those asinine ideas those Miss Perfect moms moms have that do nothing but create more chaos for themselves? Give me a freaking break. And a glass of wine, please.

www.toulouseandtonic.com

MrsPaige said...

You people sound like you hate being mother's and lazy maybe that's what is wrong is your mom's hated being a mom.

carol said...

Dude - you are AWESOME. We don't elf on the shelf. And my 7 year old knows about Santa now. And you know what? It was so awesome. She was proud of herself for figuring it out. AND impressed and thankful that I went ass backwards through hoops of fire to get her things against my parenting code of what's beneficial for kids (think zhu zhu pet castle last year). We are closer than ever. She is not scarred.

jje said...

I totally agree. And if I'm going to make my elf "naughty", I'm going to at least have him do something like find mommy's vibrator or popping out of daddy's condom box. Not baking freaking cookies!

JJ
www.unfrumpmymom.com

Karen said...

YES!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

Chapples said...

# 47...yuck! My husband and I won't even buy an elf because of all the hype, we just told our daughter if she cleans the room up each night then an elf will leave a treat by her door...and by treat I'm talking one small piece of candy. And trust me, the candy is not there if the room is dirty! Thanks for this post. I enjoyed reading it and sent it to a few friends as well.

Miss D. Opportunity said...

Our elf doesn't move from his high perch in the living room. Why would he go somewhere he can't see the kids? I AM an insanely crafty bitch (and i'm also medicated, lol) but the bunkhouse lady is bonkers and belongs in a NUThouse. Last time I checked, it's ELF on a shelf, not GREMLIN on a shelf. "Yes kids, he tattles on all the naughty things you do then comes here and trashes our house, internally laughing at you the whole time!" Sheesh.

Wisconsin Coupon Mommy said...

OMG this is hilarious! I nearly peed my pants I was laughing so hard! I agree 150%

PamH said...

Hi Jen,
Just wanted to say while I completely agree with everything you've said, (I don't own an elf yet...nor would I ever dream of having it make a mess thus creating more work for myself the next day). I just really disagree with the way you had to tear someone else's blog apart to get your point across. Not that my opinion matters, but I just wanted to show a bit of support for blogging without putting others down.
Pam

JDS said...

Great post - and great blog name. The elf does keep my daughter in line but it's not east to remember to move him every single night.

AthenaPhoenix said...

I'm sorry but I'm NEVER getting an Elf. That thing creeps me the heck out! Have you people not seen The Puppet Master? lol
Thanks for the laugh today!

Jmkelley00 said...

I love you!! You ROCK!! Totally agree....

Souperman3 said...

How pathetic! The Elf is a really fun tradition...for the whole family!!! As the dad, I have as much fun with it as my wife does. The kids love it and It takes all of a FEW minutes each night to set up the Elf. Even when being creative. It appears that a lot of people out there need to quit worrying about the precious 5 minutes they're going to lose each night for a few days in order to make some nice little memories with their children. Any fond memory that can be shared for years with your children is worth a lot more than 5 minutes of your time. One day, those children are going to be grown and gone and you folks will have the regret of not making the best of times that you can't get back. I work my butt of to provide for my family, which in my case, means long hours at times. I teach them about the realities of life, but also do my best to make life as fun as possible for them. Life is too short to gripe about moving an Elf which happens to bring a lot of smiles and laughter to our children! Juss' sayin'...

DawnK said...

Too funny. My kids are deprived, since they grew up without Elf on the Shelf. I can see myself forgetting to move him everyday! No way would I MAKE a mess, to blame that on the elf. There are enough messes in life, without making it worse.

C149 said...

The idea of Elf on a Shelf is a good one indeed, no different than telling the kids that Santa is watching. However, it is ridiculous when parents go overboard, and for what? For themselves! They post every little place they hide the elf like anyone cares! We dont ! the kids care but really , we dont so dont post it. And please people , dont use the elf after 3rd grade if there are no younger siblings. My daughter has a boy in her fifth grade class that talks about where his elf is each morn. Really? The kids are embarassed for him....a little too old for that.Why would you want to humiliate an 11 year old like that?

wowREALLY? said...

I think you should proudly be medicated, who takes the time to freak out over not moving an elf? I mean some people have imagination and creativeness and posting ideas for others is one way they are trying to help get others in the spirit. I have never heard of elf on shelf but you are seriously lame if you don't enjoy the good spirit of others over the holidays and you sound like a bunch of babies crying over a stupid elf that you probably insisted on buying

Zen Cowboy said...

Our elf is back at the North Pole after a naughty incident. I suggest never leaving it in the bedroom at night. Ever. You'll look over your shoulder for years.

Deanna Bourgeault said...

I have two kids, one of which has a terminal illness. I WISH she could get excited and see the Elf on the Shelf during her childhood but she won't. We will be lucky if she is still here by christmas this year. Be thankful for the time you have with your children and make every moment special even if it means going out of your way and doing something silly for them just for those precious 3 minutes.

Merry Christmas!
Deanna
http://niemannpick.blogspot.com

seejenntri said...

Okay...LOVE this and your humor and my bad I gave one of these to each of my daughters for the grandkids..leave to the psycho Martha Stewart Mommies to turn it into a "project" Thought I was done with these wack jobs...totally forgot that like me the wack jobs will have grandchildren and become uber psycho wack job grandmas..Save me...normal, stressed out, uncreative Moms and Grandmas unite..give your kids the time you would havespent locating a toliet for the front yard for the elf to dump in and do something fun and easy and normal for crying out loud..thanks for the many laughs...glad to know there are other unmedicated, mood swinging women out there ..and I have the record number of meltdowns this holiday season to prove it!

April said...

First of all, my first will be born in March and I know a lot of people say "I will never..." and then their view changes when they are actually parents. But, with all my gumption, I will stick to this-I will NEVER do the Elf on the Shelf! I am rebellion against this cultural phenomenon!!

And I really don't understand the hypocrisy of using it to make your kids behave...but then making the elf do naughty things...

Erika said...

You are flippin' hilarious! Why would I want a naughty elf? Isn't the whole point to get the kids to behave! As a teacher, I have these over indulged kids in my class every year and each year they get worse. Some parents should be shot, not just punched in the face.

tammyvwinn said...

You are great!!!!!! I bought an elf on the shelf and guess where it is???!!! Still in my trunk! LOL. We have a tree up and no ornaments! Merry Christmas! Thanks for the laugh!!!

Laura said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, and for making me feel better about having such a Grinchy attitude myself. Love it!

JaclynGFC said...

ya know, I didn't have an elf growing up and turned out damn fine! Screw the Elf! Down with the Christmas-corporate-industrial complex!

Ladybrinx said...

*snork* this is hilarious, I've seen the book at Target, but haven't picked it up or read and half-way wondered what the hell it was about and then half didn't give a shit. I love this ROTFL, thanks for the laugh. I have enough crap to clean up w/o some psycho elf running around making messes all night, I think I'll pass on the elf and the book. I'm more of a Buddy the Elf person, he stays in the movie.

Up Mama's Wall said...

One of my parenting goals is to never let my children know that Elf on a Shelf exits.

Comic Bill Brumbach said...

Sounds like you has as much comedic rage as I do. Good post!

http://www.comicbillbrumbach.com

taidyeoriginal said...

Holy crap. This was HILARIOUS! I so do not "get" Elf on the Shelf. I refuse to cough up 30 bucks to buy one and he IS creepy. What kind of jacked up tradition is this? Until I read these comments I had no idea he had been around so long! He will not be making an appearance in my house - like ever! At least you are making the effort!

ps I found this link on pinterest and I havent read a single other post on this site but I am adding you to my feed right now! Cant wait to look around here!

bearuprise said...

I have to coordinate a special time and place to meet my ex-wife (sucks!) to exchange "Buddy" the elf. If it were not for him I wouldn't have to see her every week. Thanks "Elf on the Shelve".

The Frakes Four said...

there is no such thing as a "regular" mom or an "overacheiving" mom. There are only parents doing what they know how to do and what they love to do, striving to do it the best way they can.

http://thefrakesfour.blogspot.com/2011/12/iactuallylikebeingaparentcom.html?spref=fb

Tara said...

I am currently doing a naughty vs nice elf over on my blog. I may or may not have had this elf involved in S and M with Barbie. Anyway love your blog! LOVE! LOOOOOOVE!

Mandie said...

Why does the Elf do naughty shit in the first place??? Isn't it his job to tell Santa when my kids do something like that? He's not setting a very good example. He's a bastard. You're absolutely right.

anny cook said...

If it's any comfort...I never heard of this elf. I say send him back to the North Pole.

Michael H said...

This is the first year that I heard about this whole elf nonsense. How awful! As if the kids don't have enough pressure and surveillance equipment pointed at them at school, now they get two weeks off and have this asinine elf on the shelf thing. Seriously, this is just awful. Do you kids a favor, and save them a couple dozen trips to the therapist and just enjoy Christmas. Sheesh.

Dan said...

I find it extremely disturbing that many feel they need an Elf to help discipline their children. What ever happened to good old fashioned child up-bringing and a swift kick in the butt when necessary. It worked for my dad. It worked for my dad. It worked...oh did I say that already...well anyway....a little brain damage is not all that bad....

Tiffany said...

@ amandarae81......I agree!! Why wouldnt any one not want to make fun memories with your kids! Thats what the Spirit of Christmas is all about! Its realy sad to think there are parents out there that think like this! I love my kids and I know that when im old I ca look back and say my kids had an awesome childhood because I made fun memories with them! Meories is what life is about people!!!

amie said...

I love this post, thank you! I personally think the elf is too trendy therefore will never do it. But I appreciate you putting everything into perspective for those moms or dads that do!

Jeff said...

Hilarious! I first heard of this when a co-worker was talking about it. My first reaction - after about two nights of tattling to Santa, he'd be a little 'Elf in the Microwave,' or 'Elf the Chew Toy.' We work really hard to teach our 3 year old that good behavior is just plain expected and we don't bribe for it. It's worked a few times, maybe 5, so there's hope! NOT gonna let some little smarty-pants tattle-tail screw that up!

-B said...

You're so right! "Normal Moms" are all the same. Those of us who make different choices? Totally nucking futs! :-) I'm so glad I found your blog, because now I know that it's better for my house to stay clean than to have some fun once a year. No sweat! I already get shit for making food from scratch (ever heard "Martha Stewart" thrown like an epithet?) and now I can't have a good time tricking my kids? Give me a break. I 100% LOVE that she linked her 101 list back to your blog. Everyone does it differently, and you're so welcome to your opinion, but I'm not insane for having a good time.

Intheshadowz said...

I must be the crappiest mom of them all then because each year I flat out refuse to even go down the "elf on a shelf" road. Don't own one, let alone two.

Lena said...

A friend forwarded me a link to this blog and I could not stop laughing. I am an Elf on the Shelf Momma but am elated that I'm not the only one who thinks people just get ridiculous...

Love the blog!

Deidre said...

I'm not going to deny the humor here! Seriously funny. HOWEVER, it's really shady that you picked out one person and linked to her. You made her feel far worse than anyone who actually has fun with their elf ever could have made you feel!

Ashley said...

You are so funny! My daughters school has one in every classroom. It is nice, then I don't need one because the teachers take care of it and he watches them at school and reports back to santa (or as my husband calls him "satan"). I am just a "normal" mom. I cant find the time to do all of those things let alone get them to bed on time. But whom ever created the Elf on the shelf is a very smart and wealthy person at $30 an elf!

Amanda said...

I just occasionally pretend to see an elf... Scares my four-year-old straight. :) You don't need a book and doll for that!
Don't feel bad because someone else has too much time so they deliberately make messes... They're posting their stuff on Facebook to get validation from other moms. They are attention whores! Be glad that you have your own traditions, and don't need someone else to tell you what you should be doing.
If you are searching for other traditions, we do a treasure hunt for the 12 days leading up to Christmas and my kids love it. If they behave that day, then they get to participate. Easy peasy. ;)

Hadar said...

Haha! I just found your blog and I LOVE it!! And sadly...my parents do have an extra toilet in the backyard! But who in the world would move it to the front and sit an elf on it?! Really!!?

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 400 of 829   Newer› Newest»