SkinaMax

Who watches SkinaMax?  Come on.  I know you do.  We all have once or twice.  Or fifty times.  You don't have to hide here.  There are noooo secrets here.

For those of you still claiming you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll educate you.  "SkinaMax" is what most cinema aficionados, like myself, call Cinemax After Dark.  You know, the low budget, soft core porn that comes on late at night that is supposedly more geared toward women because there are stronger plot lines and fewer gang bangs.

But when I say "low budget," I mean "low budget" as I realized firsthand the other night.

I wasn't very tired and decided I'd watch TV.  I was scrolling through the U Verse guide to see what was on.  There is a small picture in the corner that shows you what's currently on the channel you're scrolling through.  As I was scrolling along trying to decide if I should watch "Storage Wars" (How do these guys stay in business buying all that crap?) or an old episode of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" (the only RH where they still party like rock stars) a picture caught my eye.  I couldn't figure out what I was seeing.  Rather than read the title of the movie like a smart person would do, I just selected the channel.  My screen filled to full size and it was a naked derriere larger than life size.

Whoa!  Now I realized what I was seeing.  OK, well, I'm here now.  I might as well see what's going on.

It was a shower scene with bow chicka wow wow music going on.  It was a young lady doing a solo act with her bar of soap and really getting down.  I won't say if it was laziness or interest that kept me there, but I'm not embarrassed to say I stayed on that channel for another three minutes or so 'cause, you know, once I read it, the plot synopsis sounded interesting.

It was the usual: Young, innocent ingenue, new to the big city is hoping to get her education at a prestigious all girls' prep school for witches, but realizes her magical talents lie elsewhere...in the bedroom with her roommates and her sultry warlock professor.  It's your typical SkinaMax paranormal plot.  It's like Twilight for TwiMoms who weren't satisfied with Stephenie Meyer's description of Bella and Edward's honeymoon (anybody else think their book was missing a page or two??).

This was no Twilight and without Edward in the picture, I was growing bored as the camera fixated on her various body parts.  I was about to change the channel and find some "Law & Order" (love me some "L&O" late at night - chung chung) when suddenly she turned around to show us the ass again.  I took a closer look this time and was so horrified I couldn't change the channel.

She had a ZIT the size of a quarter on her ass cheek!  Truly!

And the camera LOVED it.  I swear, the camera man ZOOMED in on the zit.  I thought maybe it was part of the movie and it would fester and grow like she'd been cursed by her bitchy roommate who wanted the sexy warlock professor for herself.

Nope.  Just a normal zit on the actress' ass and no one on the production crew seemed to care.

WTF??  Was the makeup lady late that day?  Did they not have waterproof cover up?  Couldn't they find a stand in for this scene?  It really wouldn't have upset the plot if Alli had the shower scene instead of Brittanie.  I doubt anyone at home would have noticed.  "Hey, wait a minute, isn't that Brittanie's shampoo?  What's Alli doing there soaping up with Brittanie's bar of soap??  This movie is so unbelievable now."

Better yet, what must her OTHER CHEEK look like that this was deemed her good side??  I kept watching hoping to see her turn the other cheek, but she never did.  It was always kept to the wall.  The camera panned down her soapy legs and I was disgusted to see her legs were bruised in several places.  What does this girl do in her off time - wrestle?

I get that SkinaMax doesn't have a huge budget and as I've said before, no one (except me) watches these movies for the plot, but still!  There should be SOME standards, right?  Especially if people aren't watching for the riveting plot, then I would think the talent should be "camera-ready" since that's what everyone's tuned in to watch.

It's funny, because normally I think actresses and models should represent "real women."  I'm constantly bitching about it.  I hate the skinny, anemic looking girls who teach my daughter to hate her muscular thighs.  I hate the big silicone boobs that literally look like melons glued to 90 pound women's chests.  I hate that women in Hollywood who have natural curves are considered "big" when really they're still smaller than the average woman in America.

And yet, here's a real woman, zits and bruises (and fake boobs) and all and I really don't want to see her naked.  I'm a huge hypocrite.  I don't want to see fake boobs or women made to look like little girls but at the same time I also don't want to see zits or stretch marks or bruises.  Sorry.  I'm a jerk.  I'll own it.  If I wanted to see zits, stretch marks and bruises I'd just look in the mirror.  

Come on, SkinaMax, stay true to the plot line!  It's not like this is a movie about meth addicts getting down and dirty (if that was the case she had way too many teeth).  These chicks are witches.  Surely there is a spell for clear skin!

Bottom line is, I'd like to have a natural looking woman with a LITTLE movie magic (and cover up) in my late night TV watching.  Maybe tonight I'll try Showtime, I hear they have a bigger budget.

[On a side note, I think the page views for this one is going to be OFF THE CHARTS.  Do you know how many page views I get from people (perverts) stumbling onto my blog with searches for "deep throat"?  "Skinamax" and "gang bang" is going to put me on the (perverted) map.  Stand back while I blow up.  You can say you knew me when.]


25 comments:

trocar.trainee said...

Totally ingenious method to get yourself to 300 followers! lol

Jessi G said...

I'm sorry but I have to completely agree with you. Watching movies and television, I hate to see the way that 'normal' women are portrayed. There is an image out there that most little girls aren't going to live up to. (I have all boys, thankfully!) However, when it comes to the late night features, I don't want to see even one little imperfection. It's really the fact that these women are SUPPOSED to be fake. (I can't imagine Brittanie clocking out and going home to make dinner for the family. I've tried, it can't be done.) So when one indulges in a little naughty eye candy, the fantasy-mode engages. These "actors" aren't real, the situations aren't real and dear god the sexy times aren't real either. Therefore, he/she better be a sculpted version of perfection.

HopeInBama said...

The old fable of witches was of a huge zit/wart on their noses. Sounds to me like it's migrated to the ass. As far as the low budget/even lower script, it doesn't take much for the guys that are up at that time of night to get happy and rub one out. Why pay big bucks for decent acting and an actual plot when you can get the same effect for next to nothing?

TexasClarks said...

Great post...I look forward to your blog and you have inspired me...to watch less SkinaMax for sure (not that my cheap self will spring the extra for premium channels).

Mom on the Edge said...

Hahaha. My most "popular" post is called "My Secret Life as a Japanese Housewife." Turns out there are lots of pervs out there looking for Japanese housewife porn. Yuck! http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/06/my-secret-life-as-japanese-housewife.html

imbogus1 said...

HD is definitely not very kind to the 'skin' industry. Not that it makes for good TV, but remember, beauty is only a light switch away.

Anyana said...

let's try this again...I have to agree w/ HopeinObama...maybe they just moved the zit/wart to her butt instead of her nose! but if they're so low budget let's get some cosmetology students in there to do their service hours for their license, they can put some waterproof cover up on for free to gain hours towards their license! :)
Watch Spartacus instead, it has a true plot and a little something for everyone! plus the guys are way hotter! Has anyone noticed that the guys in porn are so damn ugly (not that we're supposed to be watching their faces, but just look!)

Mariah Andrews said...

Stephenie Meyers is a prude. I miss Judy Blume.

Mom on the Edge said...

FYI, "Tinkerbell" (http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/03/vote-for-tinkerbell.html) also gets a lot of hits for the same reason. If you can write a post that incorporates all of that with Japanese housewives and Tinkerbell, I think you'd really be on to something!

Leigh Ann said...

Man, I'm sorry now that we cancelled our cable.

Anonymous said...

Meyers is a prude and total let down for grownups...to get those "missing pages" you should read the vampire romances (aka housewife porn) by Christine Feehan! Much more satisfying than Meyers & Skinamax combined.

Anonymous said...

I'm not rich enough to subscribe to Cinemax and HBO, so right now, I have to watch HBO soft porn. Awful. One of the movies was called "The Hills Have Thighs." How effing amazing is that?

Jen Giroux said...

I LOVE the fact your ads so well reflect your topic. Reading about zits and stretch marks right next to before and aftershots of an zit-riddled face! Should be the difference between HBO softporn and Skinamax!

Kristy said...

LMBO - what a picture you paint. I too would be captivated in horror wondering who on earth missed that during the lighting check. The men in that crew must be so "been there, seen that" that they no longer notice her bottom....exactly how long does a man have to work in that job to stop noticing a girl's assets?

And yes - I want "real" women on TV...but with a bit of make-up because now that poor girl is going to be remembered for her monster butt-zit until her dying day.

Tandi said...

I LOVE the fact that no topic is off limits. From Elves to Car lines to Soft Porn! Love that you own it all.

Anyana said...

yes, we watched about 10 min of that movie! OMG! I couldn't stop laughing!

Anyana said...

I know there were parts in the books that were a total let down, but S.M. is very religious and honestly she wrote for teenage girls, therefore, would you want your daughter reading descriptive sex scenes? not really. oh trust me, I yelled a few times while reading her books, but at the same time I wouldn't mind my daughter reading the book b/c it still up held a certain moral by Edward (ie: no sex b4 marriage, although in these times kind of unrealistic, I admit, but hey, we can dream, right? LOL) anyway, I hear that those vampire books that you mentioned are amazing and i want to get my hands on them! thanks for the suggestion!

Mandi said...

OMG... Christine Feehan is AWESOME! I love her Dark series. I own every book. I have read them more than once and September takes FOREVER to get here when you are ready for the new book!

RachRiot said...

That's it- I'm naming my next blog entry: Gang Bangs!! Thanks for the tip! xo

Amy P. Jones said...

"If I wanted to see zits, stretch marks and bruises I'd just look in the mirror.". So awesome, so true! You crack me up!

mosaicmaddness said...

HAHA this is great. I will own up to watching these cheesy skin flicks, and HONESTLY, my hubby and I watch them to giggle at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Who can get into some of those positions? Seriously? And some of them they are moaning and screaming about are ones that don't even allow anything to be properly working!!!

Deb said...

watch European porn-- much more natural women! But the dudes are kinda icky IMO. They need to trim.

joboosal said...

i guess she was more concerned with her pouty duck face than her zitty arse? SIGH I love a little skinamax from time to time when we get the free preview weekends, but shit like this just ruins the 'reality' I mean really...if they are going to do it, can't they just do it right? That's what the editing floor is for, I just can't believe that some dude sat thru hours of footage and didnt' cut that zit out, he must have been asleep at the controls! Boo to Cinemax for ruining mommyporn

Danielle Smith said...

I simply just read the title and info. So entertaining!!

Wystrzelany Magazynek said...

There were a lot of "SkinaMax" movie (softcore porn) - Pasion Before Midnight (2003), House of Love (2000), Fast Lane to Vegas (2000), Castle Eros (2002), and more with Monique Parent, Catalina Larranaga, Brad Bartram, Dan Anderson, Taimie Hannum, Regina Russell, Randy Spears, Mia Zottoli, Shauna O'Brien - some of my favourite soft-porn actresses and actors that I saw in SkinaMax between September 2006 - August 2008 - my best years - BTW thanks for the plot - finally I found some SkinaMax reference ;)

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