For those of you still claiming you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll educate you. "SkinaMax" is what most cinema aficionados, like myself, call Cinemax After Dark. You know, the low budget, soft core porn that comes on late at night that is supposedly more geared toward women because there are stronger plot lines and fewer gang bangs.
But when I say "low budget," I mean "low budget" as I realized firsthand the other night.
I wasn't very tired and decided I'd watch TV. I was scrolling through the U Verse guide to see what was on. There is a small picture in the corner that shows you what's currently on the channel you're scrolling through. As I was scrolling along trying to decide if I should watch "Storage Wars" (How do these guys stay in business buying all that crap?) or an old episode of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" (the only RH where they still party like rock stars) a picture caught my eye. I couldn't figure out what I was seeing. Rather than read the title of the movie like a smart person would do, I just selected the channel. My screen filled to full size and it was a naked derriere larger than life size.
Whoa! Now I realized what I was seeing. OK, well, I'm here now. I might as well see what's going on.
It was a shower scene with bow chicka wow wow music going on. It was a young lady doing a solo act with her bar of soap and really getting down. I won't say if it was laziness or interest that kept me there, but I'm not embarrassed to say I stayed on that channel for another three minutes or so 'cause, you know, once I read it, the plot synopsis sounded interesting.
It was the usual: Young, innocent ingenue, new to the big city is hoping to get her education at a prestigious all girls' prep school for witches, but realizes her magical talents lie elsewhere...in the bedroom with her roommates and her sultry warlock professor. It's your typical SkinaMax paranormal plot. It's like Twilight for TwiMoms who weren't satisfied with Stephenie Meyer's description of Bella and Edward's honeymoon (anybody else think their book was missing a page or two??).
This was no Twilight and without Edward in the picture, I was growing bored as the camera fixated on her various body parts. I was about to change the channel and find some "Law & Order" (love me some "L&O" late at night - chung chung) when suddenly she turned around to show us the ass again. I took a closer look this time and was so horrified I couldn't change the channel.
She had a ZIT the size of a quarter on her ass cheek! Truly!
And the camera LOVED it. I swear, the camera man ZOOMED in on the zit. I thought maybe it was part of the movie and it would fester and grow like she'd been cursed by her bitchy roommate who wanted the sexy warlock professor for herself.
Nope. Just a normal zit on the actress' ass and no one on the production crew seemed to care.
WTF?? Was the makeup lady late that day? Did they not have waterproof cover up? Couldn't they find a stand in for this scene? It really wouldn't have upset the plot if Alli had the shower scene instead of Brittanie. I doubt anyone at home would have noticed. "Hey, wait a minute, isn't that Brittanie's shampoo? What's Alli doing there soaping up with Brittanie's bar of soap?? This movie is so unbelievable now."
Better yet, what must her OTHER CHEEK look like that this was deemed her good side?? I kept watching hoping to see her turn the other cheek, but she never did. It was always kept to the wall. The camera panned down her soapy legs and I was disgusted to see her legs were bruised in several places. What does this girl do in her off time - wrestle?
I get that SkinaMax doesn't have a huge budget and as I've said before, no one (except me) watches these movies for the plot, but still! There should be SOME standards, right? Especially if people aren't watching for the riveting plot, then I would think the talent should be "camera-ready" since that's what everyone's tuned in to watch.
It's funny, because normally I think actresses and models should represent "real women." I'm constantly bitching about it. I hate the skinny, anemic looking girls who teach my daughter to hate her muscular thighs. I hate the big silicone boobs that literally look like melons glued to 90 pound women's chests. I hate that women in Hollywood who have natural curves are considered "big" when really they're still smaller than the average woman in America.
And yet, here's a real woman, zits and bruises (and fake boobs) and all and I really don't want to see her naked. I'm a huge hypocrite. I don't want to see fake boobs or women made to look like little girls but at the same time I also don't want to see zits or stretch marks or bruises. Sorry. I'm a jerk. I'll own it. If I wanted to see zits, stretch marks and bruises I'd just look in the mirror.
Bottom line is, I'd like to have a natural looking woman with a LITTLE movie magic (and cover up) in my late night TV watching. Maybe tonight I'll try Showtime, I hear they have a bigger budget.
[On a side note, I think the page views for this one is going to be OFF THE CHARTS. Do you know how many page views I get from people (perverts) stumbling onto my blog with searches for "deep throat"? "Skinamax" and "gang bang" is going to put me on the (perverted) map. Stand back while I blow up. You can say you knew me when.]