So I've been having a lot of stress-related (and, let's face it, age-related) pains lately and I figured I needed a massage. I bought a massage gift certificate at an auction a few months ago and I decided on the spur of the moment to book a last minute massage last night.
I was going to try for sometime later in the week, but after I looked at my calendar for the upcoming week I felt the knots in my shoulders tighten. I asked if they had an appointment for that night and the receptionist said I could get the last one of the night. Perfect.
Or so I thought.
I dashed across town. I have never been to Zen Massage before. This is one of those places where it's always forty bucks to get an hour massage. It's not a spa, but it's not terrible either. It's very average.
After filling out the requisite paperwork (why in the world do they need to know what I weigh??) I was escorted to my small, dimly lit room. My handler for the evening introduced herself and said she'd give me a few moments to get ready and then she left.
As soon as she left I started feeling anxious. I hate when I'm in a new place and I don't know the "spa etiquette." I get in a lot of trouble when I don't know the etiquette. (Once when I got a massage in Asia the masseuse asked me if I wanted my "front" done. I said, "Yes," thinking she meant the "American style" front - shoulders, neck, that sort of thing. I flipped over and found out it meant she straddles me and pummels and wrings my bare breasts. Holy cow!! I didn't know what to do so I closed my eyes and tried to count sheep until she was done.) Now I'm in a new place again! I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be molested, but there are still the uncertainties.
For instance, do you go commando or do you leave your drawers on? Of course, it's laundry day and I'm wearing some raggedy drawers.
|My massage is so stressful!|
I'm still pondering that one when I realize that in my haste I have not fully prepared my body for this event. My legs have not been near a razor in about 4 days at this point. They are beyond stubbly, they are downy. Between the granny panties and the man legs I'm mortified. Can't back out now though, gotta power through. This woman is a professional, I tell myself, she's seen EVERYTHING. I can't be the worst she's ever come across. Surely she won't go home tonight and blog about me. Right??
I get on the table and try to relax. Good luck with that.
I close my eyes and focus on the soft music. Oh God! If I had to work there, I would rip out my ear drums. That spa music with the rain forest sounds and waterfalls crap drives me batty. I would relax more listening to NPR. I can't get my mind off the music and how I just want it to be quiet. I even think about asking her to turn it off, but if I do that then I'll focus on every little sound in the hallway or the room next door.
This brings me to my next conundrum. Do you talk while you're getting a massage? I feel rude not asking how her day has been, that sort of thing. It must be weird to have a job where you don't talk except for the five minutes before and after the massage except to say "How's the pressure?" Since I'm face down in that face ring thingy and it's tough enough to breathe, let alone talk, I decide to stay silent.
I want to focus on the damn rain forest and relax. That's why I'm here!
She starts on my back and I can't relax. What if I make noises? Do you ever moan? I'm not typically a moaner or grunter, but she was working some shit out! It was a bit painful, but I knew it needed to be done so I didn't want to say anything. I also didn't want to grunt or cry so I just bit my lip and took it like a soldier.
She's finally relieving the tension in my shoulders and I'm ready to really relax...only...I'm afraid I might get TOO relaxed. Now I'm worried I'm going to fart. Truly. She's already warned me that she's going to release toxins. Farts have got to be toxins that want to be released and I had Mexican for dinner - ay caramba. Just when I'm worried I'M going to fart, SHE toots. I won't call it a fart, because it wasn't a full on stinker, it was truly just a little toot. Then she tried to act like her shoe made the noise. We've all tried that excuse, honey, and no one's buying.
For the next hour I try to relax while I hold in my giggle (yes, deep down I am a ten year old boy), my grunts and my small talk while her stomach growls, her knuckles pop and she makes weird breath noises. I think it's safe to say I was her worst client of the day. I took an Aleve and a shower, but the shoulders felt great so I think even though I felt like an idiot and didn't go in prepped, it was still a success!
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