The Neighbor Who Wants to Euthanize the Autistic Boy Down the Street

Are you sitting down? Because this one is a doozy.

So there is this bitch in Canada who lives near an older lady who takes care of her grandson in the summer time. The grandson is severely autistic and spends a lot of his time outside.

The bitchy neighbor can't stand listening to the autistic grandson make noises outside and so she took it upon herself to write an anonymous letter to the grandmother with some helpful suggestions of how to deal with the boy. Such as: take him to park, move away, and (this one is the doozy) euthanize him.

Yeah. This soulless cunt suggested the boy be killed. As in dead. As in murder this child because he's too noisy and annoying.

But just in case you think the bitch isn't caring, before his death she would like to harvest his "non retarded (her words, not mine) body parts" and donate them to science because "what the hell else good is he to anyone?" Here is a link where you can see the whole disgusting letter.

My head is spinning after reading this fucked up tirade. Are you kidding me? Can you believe that? Can you believe that there is someone out there who is so fucking ignorant and horrid? This world is full of so many fucked up people. I get emails from people asking me why I'm so angry all of the time. It's people like this woman who make me angry all the time. Just knowing this woman is out there spouting her awful bullshit makes me furious. 

I don't have a child with special needs, but if I did and I received this letter, I would probably burn down my neighborhood. That's how angry I am right now.

I just find it so disgusting and appalling that anyone would write this letter. What the fuck is wrong with people that they would actually suggest a child be euthanized?? I can only hope that this woman is too stupid to actually know what that word means. 

This letter was signed by "One pissed off mother." No! She cannot call herself that. I am a pissed off mother at times. You are a pissed off mother at times. But we pissed off mothers would NEVER EVER EVER suggest someone euthanize their child. 

I feel terrible for the family who received this typewritten letter. I can't imagine how upsetting it must have been. The good news is, the police are taking these threats very seriously and are looking for the writer.

I'm not sure what will happen to her when they find her. (And you know they'll find her. It won't take long. This woman is not that bright.) You know me, I would never condone violence, but I wouldn't cry outrage if she "accidentally" got her arm broken when they were processing her finger prints or if she was "accidentally" left in a holding cell with some mothers of autistic children who just happened to get "accidentally" locked in there too. My guess is those mothers would be happy to harvest her body parts for science.

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For My Friend Courtney

WARNING: This is NOT a funny post. I am not in a funny mood tonight. I am sad and angry and frustrated. If you're not interested in that, then check back another day. If you don't mind listening to me cry a little, then read on.

Yesterday I changed my profile picture to this:

I did this in honor of my friend Courtney who blogs at Our Small Moments.

This week Courtney had to endure the untimely loss of Scott - her best friend, her soul mate, her husband, the father of her young children - to cancer. He was just 34 years old.

This week Courtney became a widow and a single mother in the blink of an eye.

Courtney is one of the kindest and strongest people I have ever known. While Scott had his treatments far from home, Courtney had to continue working full time and caring for their children. Never once did Courtney's optimism waver. She was Scott's most faithful supporter and Scott tried so hard to recover for his family. Although their time together was short, the love they shared was amazing and inspiring.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I have never met Courtney in real life. We are "bloggy friends" and yet I feel closer to Courtney than some people I see all the time. We were both lucky enough to find ourselves included in a group of generous women who support one another through the highs and lows in our lives - online and off. Besides blogging, we've been there for one another through pregnancies, new babies, house sales, illness, and loss. We have weathered Scott's illness together.

We're scattered across the country and we've tried our best to be there for Courtney as much as we can. But all we want tonight is to be with Courtney. To hug her and hold her hand and cry with her. We want to hug her sweet little children and tell them it's going to be alright. But we can't. Because we're just so damn far away.

Ever since we heard the news, we've been putting ourselves in Courtney's place. We've been asking ourselves, "Can you imagine the sadness, the fear, the anger, and the heartache Courtney must be feeling now?"

Can you?

I can't even guess and yet I'm sitting here crying as I write this because that's all I can think about. I think about her kids who are so close in age to mine and I think about Courtney trying to explain to them why their dad is no longer with them. Why he can't be at another soccer game or ballet recital. Why he'll never tuck them into bed again. I think about Courtney and how she must go on alone now, without her best friend by her side. I think about how empty Courtney's bed must feel without Scott beside her. How quiet her house must be without his company. I think about the overwhelming tasks that she must accomplish in the next few days. It would be all I could do not to curl into a ball and try to escape.

We felt so useless and powerless to help our friend. Our group went back and forth with ideas to help Courtney (send her meals, send flowers, etc.) and then we heard about a real need she has. Something we could actually help her with. A burden we could actually lift no matter where we were.

As you know, cancer isn't cheap. Scott battled cancer for almost a year and the bills have mounted very high. Courtney is a single mom now with one salary. We know that many of her friends and family who live close by will take care of food and help her with her children and will be there to listen, but those medical bills will loom over her for months or years even. We realized that we were in the perfect position to help her alleviate those bills.

That's why we started a fundraiser at Give Forward. All of the money we raise will go to pay the medical bills that were accrued during Scott's illness. We're sharing it with our readers, because we know that many of you have been touched by cancer and by loss and you know exactly how Courtney is feeling tonight.

We would hope that you would feel moved to help Courtney and her children. Help her sleep better at night knowing that the medical bills aren't closing in on her. It doesn't have to be a big donation, every little bit counts and is so appreciated. And if you're in a position where you can't donate we understand. Courtney is a praying person and I know she'd be grateful for a prayer for her and her beautiful children.

If you'd like to help Courtney and her children, please click here.

I Suck at Back to School

My kids are going back to school this week (!!!) and it's time for back to school shopping.

There is a service the PTO provides where you can pay and have the supplies delivered to the school in time for the first day, but I am not one of those moms who dread the back to school shopping. I actually enjoy it. I love cracking open a new pack of 50 cent markers or sharpening pencils or stocking up on more glue than a preschooler could use (or eat) in a year.

Of course, I get a little frustrated (OK, pissed as hell) when the list calls for the large glue sticks and the small ones are on sale or when I can't figure out the difference between a poly folder or a plastic folder. But when I get a little anxious I just throw a couple more large pink bevel erasers into the cart (you can never have too many large pink bevel erasers in the house) and it's like Xanax for me.

Mmmmm. I can feel my anxiety dropping just looking at these beauties.

I like to shop at the discounters (Wal-Mart and Target) for school supplies rather than the high-enders (Staples and Office Max) but you gotta move fast, because they get picked over faster.

I knew I'd be out of town the last few weeks and I was worried all the "good" stuff would be gone before I got back. I thought I'd go ahead and get the shopping done before I left. I'm never this on top of things. I'm always the mom looking for tropical colors markers the night before school starts. (There's always classic colors left, but no tropical colors.)

So when my kids and I ducked into Wal-Mart so I could pick up some gummy bears (only Haribo will do) for my plane ride and we were met at the door by the display with all of the local schools' shopping lists, I decided to be the "organized mom." I grabbed the list and started throwing discounted crayons into my cart with wild abandon.

After about five minutes of power shopping Adolpha realized that I was buying the supplies for Kindergarten and second grade! Durrr. We did those grades LAST year! I shook my rattled brain and emptied out the "baby" school supplies and got started again. Phew! That was close. I almost messed up. Organized mom almost became goof up mom!

Now that I was on the correct grade, I noticed that the first grade list seemed fairly normal, but there were a few odd ones. Remember, we did first grade a couple of years ago. I don't have a terrific memory, but there were a few things that seemed new to me. For instance, each child was required to bring a 2-pack of Expo dry erase markers in BLUE. The blue was capitalized like the teachers meant business and no substitutions would be accepted. The kids and I scoured the aisles, but could only find 2-packs in BLACK. The blue ones were included in a (not on sale) multi-pack with an eraser. Grrr. I decided to save that one for the high-ender stores (the Hubs was insisting on making a run to whichever one was offering backpacks for a penny - because apparently it's back to school time for him too and he needs a new backpack). Maybe they would have blue 2-packs.

Another thing I noticed was Band-Aids. Preferably Band-Aid brand, but most definitely latex-free. What the what? Am I outfitting the nurse's office now too? Calm down, I mumbled to myself. Maybe the teachers have decided they need Band-Aids in their rooms because they were sending kids down to the nurse too often for ridiculous shit. (You know I know all about that!) If a package of Band-Aids encourages more learning time then I'm for it. I threw in two packs of latex-free Band-Aids (both kids had them on their lists). But just the basic ones. No fancy characters or shapes and sizes. There's no need for that nonsense.

I got most of the stuff on Adolpha's list and then focused on Gomer's.

He's a third grader this year and shit's about to get real now. Sure, he still needed crayons and washable markers, but now he needed "big kid" supplies too. Like highlighters and red pens and loose leaf paper. I searched high and low for a good 20 minutes for index cards - LINED. Of course I could only find UN-lined index cards. The item on his list that really stymied me was: "two black felt-tipped markers - NOT Sharpies."

Hmmm ... I started searching. I could find red felt tipped markers, orange felt tipped markers, but no black. I could find a ton of Sharpies, but the teacher was pretty insistent on her feelings about Sharpie. Son of a bitch. I'd have to get those when I got the blue Expo 2-pack (which he also needed).

He needed a crap ton of colored 2-pocket, no prong, poly folders: red, blue, yellow, green, purple, and orange.

I did mention that I go to the discounter stores, right? They've got a lot of red, blue and green, but they don't get too many of the fancy colors. I dug around in the Trapper Keeper section and found a discarded yellow that someone had obviously hidden to come back for later (see ya, sucker), but purple and orange were really giving me a hard time.

I added those to my Staples list.

I made a run to Staples and bought an over priced purple folder (still couldn't find orange) and said "screw it" while I purchased black Expo markers (sorry teacher, I tried).

I got home and dumped all of my bags in the front hall with a huge sigh of relief and I went on my trip feeling like a super duper organized mom who gets shit done (except for that pesky orange folder). I was proud of myself for not waiting until the last minute when there's nothing left except protractors and rubber bands.

Last night I was in Target and I saw an orange folder. It was right beside Target's display of school supply lists. I grabbed a copy to check and see if there was anything besides the orange folder that I was missing. I noticed the list was different than the one I had grabbed at Wal-Mart. It wasn't nearly as long or as demanding - no black NON-SHARPIE felt tipped pens or LINED index cards or BLUE Expo markers.

How strange, I thought. Target is going to be in trouble, because they screwed up the list.

Don't ask me why I assumed Wal-Mart's list was correct and Target's wasn't. Probably because Wal-Mart's seemed so authoritative.

This morning I pulled out both lists and the bags of supplies so that the kids and I could go through and make sure we had everything since obviously there was some weird snafu with the two lists.

I was about half way through the Wal-Mart list when I saw the name of the school on the top of the paper.

I won't tell you the name of my kids school or this school, but let's just pretend my kids' school is called Woodland Elementary. The name at the top of the paper in my hand? Woodside Elementary. Are you fucking kidding me??

Yeah. I bought everything on the WRONG list. I drove all over town and killed myself looking for BLUE Expo markers and orange folders and my kids didn't need any of it. I'm an idiot.

Guess what is not on the Woodland Elementary school list? A purple folder or blue Expos or Band Aids or any of the other crazy stuff that I've been looking for.

Guess what I get to do today? If you guessed return a bunch of crap that I don't need you'd be right.

This will teach me for trying to be an organized mom who can multi-task and get ahead. I'll never make that mistake again. Next year, the night before school you'll find me pawing through the discarded glue sticks and tape dispensers offering to sell a kidney for the last green spiral notebook.

By the way, Gomer still needs a yellow plastic folder with two pockets and prongs. If you see one let me know, OK?

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Honestly, The Honest Company is Getting on My Nerves

Have you heard about the fight that's brewing between Jessica Alba's Honest Company and the popular mom blogger Honest Toddler?

Let me break it down for you. Honest Toddler is a hilarious woman who tweets and blogs from the wickedly funny point of view of a toddler. Honest Company is a corporation that sells baby crap. (Not actual baby crap, but you know what I mean.)

Here's the she said/she said posts they've both written so you can follow along.

Long story short, a few months ago Honest Company started poking Honest Toddler and demanding that she give up her attempt to trademark her name. Ummm, excuse me? Why does Honest Company want Honest Toddler not to trademark her own name?? Because Honest Company thinks people are dolts and will confuse the two Honest names, so no one can have "Honest" except for them. Riiiiight. Have you ever eaten a bar of Dove soap thinking it was Dove chocolate? Of course you haven't, because you're not an idiot. Wait. Maybe that's what happened! Maybe Jessica ate soap accidentally and realized how easy it was to confuse the two Dove brands and thought to herself (as her mouth foamed with soapy bubbles) If I could confuse these brands, people might confuse Honest Company with Honest Toddler! I have to stop this from ever happening! She quickly rinsed out her mouth with Honest Water (if it doesn't exist yet, it will) and called her lawyer in an attempt to protect her "brand" and "intellectual property."

Honestly, I think that's bullshit. I don't believe a word Honest Company is saying.

You know what I think? I think a big corporation saw a chance to bully and scare a mom blogger with a popular site and steal her name and hopefully confuse HER fanbase to follow a diaper company instead of a sassy toddler.

I don't think Honest Company is really worried that I might confuse Jessica Alba's ah-may-zing sun savvy style with Honest Toddler's observations like "Anthropologie, you may have changed your name but I know a Salvation Army when I see one." And how stupid can they be? I love Honest Toddler and her witticisms, but I could give a fuck about aromatic soy candles. I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference.

Wait. I'm confused. Is a snarky toddler saying this or a large corporation?? 

The compromise that Honest Company has come up with is to create a license agreement for Honest Toddler to use her name for one year. That means Honest Toddler would PAY Honest Company a royalty for the favor of being allowed to continue to use the name that SHE has made for herself and then after a year she has to find a new name and basically start over. How is this fair?? Honestly, my eight-year-old could tell you this deal sucks.

This is not a compromise! Honest Toddler has done all of the work to gain her 250,000+ followers, her book deal with Simon and Schuster, and her TV production deal with Darren Star, and now Honest Company wants her to pay a royalty to go forward?! How greedy can Honest Company get?

I haven't heard any word that Honest Company is going after Honest Tea. I bet I can guess why they haven't. Honest Tea is owned by Coca-Cola. Hmmm ... that sounds like a fairer fight and Honest Company must not be interested in fair fights. Interesting isn't it?

Last week Honest Tea was a sponsor at BlogHer and I jokingly asked the rep, "Has Jessica Alba sued you yet?"

He responded with all seriousness, "I'd like to see her try. We're owned by Coca-Cola."

Exactly. Honest Company isn't interested in fighting one of the world's largest brands. They'd rather squabble with a mom blogger.

This isn't the first case I've heard of a larger entity attacking a mom blogger and swiping her brand. It's happening more than you know. These types of groups are targeting mid-range bloggers who have built up a nice social media following and some brand recognition. The bloggers have done the legwork for free with their dedication, sweat, good content, and hard work and then these companies hire an attorney and swoop in and take their social media. The bloggers don't realize how much they're really worth or they don't have the money to fight off the lawyers. Either way, they lose their brands and are forced to start over with the few loyal readers who find them again. 

I'm not sure what's going to happen with Honest Toddler. This all came to light when she applied for the trademark and Honest Company moved then to stop her. In the scheme of things it doesn't cost much to trademark and protect your brand. I would recommend getting it done now before the vultures start sniffing around your brand.

One thing I think we can count on is Honest Toddler won't go without a fight. Honest Toddler has a quarter of a million fans on Twitter and she's not afraid to unleash them on Honest Company. She has a book that's making her money that she can use to defend herself and her brand and who knows what her Darren Star connection can do for her?

As a fellow blogger, I am standing beside Honest Toddler and defending her against Honest Company and I hope you will too. It doesn't matter if you have a small blog about your dog or a huge blog about fashion or a mid-sized humor blog, this is something we should all work together on. We could all be a victim of this sort of treatment and we need to start fighting back. We are all bloggers who pour ourselves into our sites every day. We work tirelessly to build our brand (big or small), to find readers, and to provide content. We don't do this so that a large corporation can come along and steal from us.

Let's hit Honest Company where they hurt: tweet them. (Corporations are terrified of Twitter.) Tell Honest Company and Jessica Alba to leave Honest Toddler alone and you can tell them I sent you! #thehonestcompanysucks

Here is a Change.org petition: Don't reject the Trademark for Honest Toddler.

P.S. - I'm currently working on a trademark for People I HONESTLY Want to Punch in the Throat. I wonder if Honest Company wants that one? I'll license it to them!

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Top 10 Things I Hate About Sleep Away Camp With My Kids

This isn't camping. It's just camp. I'm not sleeping in a tent or anything crazy like that.  (Can you imagine me in a tent??)  I'm staying at something that would like to bill itself as more of a “retreat center” than a KOA.  Ha. If this is a retreat center then I guess I could never stay anywhere really camp-like. Here's something for the suggestion box: If you're going to call yourself a retreat center you better have kickass WiFi everywhere. Also, you should have some place for me to sit when I check my email on your kickass WiFi - not my bunkbed.

Already I'm having withdrawal symptoms and last night when I figured out that the lodge I'm staying in has no WiFi, I about had a panic attack and threatened to pack up the car and go home.  I took a deep breath and asked around.  I soon figured out that I just need to go to a different lodge to get online, so I calmed down and spent the night.

I tucked my children into bed and they dreamily said to me, "I'm so happy we're here.  I love it, Mama."  

"Mmm...hmmm," I replied and then I settled down in my impossibly uncomfortable bed and tossed and turned thinking about how much I don't love it here and how un-happy I was.  So, of course, I got up and made a list:

Top 10 Things I Hate About Sleep Away Camp With My Kids

1.  The beds. Bunkbeds really lose their appeal after about age 10. I'm sleeping on the bottom bunk, so I feel claustrophobic and it's so narrow I'm sure I'm going to roll out. The top bunks are so high that I'm not letting my kids sleep in them. Remember, this is the place where Gomer hit his head so hard last year that I had to take him to the ER and Adolpha has just come out of a cast, so I'm not taking any chances. They're sleeping on mattresses on the floor and they're not very thrilled. They're smart not to whine though, they know what I'll make good on my threats to pack up.

2.  The food. True, I don't have to make any meals this week. Instead, I just have to guess what I'm eating. I think that might be eggs, but I've never seen eggs with that consistency.  Fuck it, I didn't have to cook. Thank goodness there is always a salad bar to graze if dinner isn't appealing. Besides the mystery meat, I always have to keep an eye out for errant bugs. Last year the cook left granola out for breakfast and when I put a bowl of it in front of Gomer, he took a bite and said, "Hmm...that's weird, my granola is moving." Yeah, there were bugs in it.  Protein!

3.  The noise. The first year I came Adolpha was 2 and I was the lady with the screaming baby at night. This year I realized I have little or no patience for that anymore. That is horrible of me to say because people were very kind to me (at least they were to my face) when Adolpha would keep the entire lodge up with her ear splitting refusals to go to bed. I should be kinder, but last night I was at my wit's end. Lucky for me, my mother is here and she offered to put my kids to bed and she sent me on a quiet walk. (She really doesn't want me to pack up and leave.)

4.  The lack of privacy. I am sharing a room with both of my children, my mother, my grandmother and my aunt. Privacy isn't even a word in this room. Poor Gomer has been getting an eyeful of old, wrinkled flesh even though we keep sending him out of the room while the women get dressed. He leaves, but he neglects to close the door behind him so our door wide open for the world to see our old, wrinkled flesh. You're welcome, teenage boys living across the hall. I know that sight made your list of top 10 things you hate about camp too.

5.  The showers. This morning I waited 15 minutes and still never got any hot water. I finally jumped in and did my business as quickly as I could. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to count swimming as bathing. After a second cold shower, my mother, who is the brains of the group, realized that our shower was plumbed backwards. So that means, COLD is hot and HOT is cold.

6.  The bugs. I mentioned the bugs in the granola, right? Bugs are everywhere here. Just writing this made my skin crawl like something was trying to get me. I'm convinced that bugs are everywhere at camp. I'm also convinced they are bigger than normal and much more fierce. I think this is genetic, because last night both kids told me they were being “followed by hornets.”

This is the kind of hornet I imagine!

7.  The lack of storage. You need clothes (at least two outfits a day since it's so dirty), bedding, towels for showers, towels for the pool, toiletries, food (I mentioned the mystery meat, right?), lovies, drying racks, rugs (we don't like to touch the floor with our bare tootsies), toys and books, but where do you put it all in a 10x10 room with 6 people?

8.  Rain. One word: mud. 

9.  When the pool gets closed down.  There was a blow out.  The swim diaper kind.  On the first day.  Whoops.  It happens.  The pool is contaminated and today it was closed.  It actually wasn't bad, because my kids went boating and they barely missed the pool.  If it's still closed tomorrow, it could be a problem.  

10.  The first night. Even though this is my fourth year attending this camp, I still have a hard time that first night. The reality of what I'm about to do really sets in and I get very grumpy. I'm arrive caffeinated, plugged in, and doped up on television and Target. It's like detox. I don't sleep well the first night; I can't get comfortable and I can't relax (I'm sure there are bugs I my bed, the noise is driving me crazy, and I feel the top bunk creeping closer to me).

UPDATE:  Even though I wrote this on the first night, I couldn't get a decent enough WiFi signal to actually post the mofo.  I'm now finishing day 2 and getting ready for day 3 all the toxins are out of my body and I'm so exhausted from all the fun we're having I won't have trouble sleeping tonight.  We had fun today boating and eating ice cream.  Tonight was my favorite night:  Talent Show night.  My kids sang a song.  I decided that next year I'm going to write a Top 10 List for Gomer to deliver.  The kid loves making a crowd laugh and between the two of us I think we could kill 'em.

BlogHer, Book Signings, Pooping, and Puking - My Weekend

Well, I am back from BlogHer and I am so freaking tired! But I feel good! There is nothing like being with like-minded people to recharge your battery. I feel energized and ready to get to work - right after I take a nap. 

This year the conference was held in Chicago and I had a ton of fun.

I arrived a day early so I could finally spend some time with Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear and my BlogHer roomie Robin O'Bryant from Robin's Chicks. I got to ride in the official MWDAS minivan when Nikki picked me up at the airport. Only a few people stared at us while we screamed and hugged for a little too long. Then we picked up Robin and Nikki proceeded to wine and dine us. Well, actually just wined and dined me while Robin watched. See Robin is on a super duper high impact diet (she looks fan-freaking-tastic by the way) and she's half way to her goal. She's in ketosis. (Which I'm not sure what that means except that it can give you really bad breath, so we had a code word that if she had bad breath I would say, "Robin, do you have a piece of gum?" and I'd wag my eyebrows really subtly so no one would know what I was talking about. I'm happy to report she's a good brusher and I never had to do that once.) Anyways, this ketosis thing is serious and if she cheats even ONCE her body will revolt and she will be back to square one. Of course she has absolutely no desire to do that, so instead she huffed everyone's food all week. 

Have you ever lived with someone who can't eat or drink anything except protein shakes and chicken broth? It is the guiltiest feeling in the world to shove food down your gullet while your friend sits there with her ice water and swears “I'm fi-aaahhhh-nnnnn, ya'll!” (that's my written impression of Robin's Mississippi accent). That girl was a rock. She has a steel will like none I've ever seen. I, on the other hand, felt I needed to eat for two since Robin wasn't consuming.

Besides rooming together, Robin and I also put together a session on self publishing. We were joined by Lela Davidson. We had a great turnout and I think people learned something. We only had 45 minutes, but with the three of us talking, we could have gone on all day!

It was so cool to meet so many of the bloggers who I read. I got to laugh like a hyena the whole time. I would like to apologize to anyone who I spit drinks, food, and just general spittle upon. I think every meal I ate was a choking hazard, because every single time I found myself laughing so hard I almost died - literally from that chunk stuck in my throat. I also got to reconnect with old friends I made last year. I think one of my favorites is Leslie AKA The Bearded Iris. She is funny online, but in person she is hysterical. Anyone who greets people, "Get over here and hug me, you hooker clown" is good people. Meanwhile, "hooker clown" is totally going into my repertoire now.

The highlight of the weekend was the book signing for I Just Want to Pee Alone. A couple of months ago, we realized there would be 14 contributors at BlogHer and so the ridiculously organized powerhouse that is Kim Bongiorno flew into action. With her help and her constant - oops, I mean timely - reminders we were able to get it done. (Seriously, it probably would not have happened without Kim keeping me on task. Thank you, Kim.) Lucky for us, Kim's in-laws own a restaurant within walking distance of the hotel where we were staying. Guess what the restaurant was called? Yup. Bongiorno's. (Chicago people, if you need some delicious food and you want to meet the most adorable family ever, please go see them and bring your stretchy pants.) We took over their outdoor patio space along the waterfront and had a book signing and reading under the stars! It was bananas. We had a ton of people show up (thank goodness or else we would have looked really stupid sitting there) and it was so cool to meet everyone. If you came Friday night: Thank you, thank you, thank you! It meant so much to all of us.

Nicole Shaw Leigh entertaining the crowd. (Photo source: Insane in the Mom-Brain)

We had a few people who read their pieces to the crowd. I wasn't going to read, but then I had a funny little story that happened to me and I could tell that. Wanna hear it? 

OK, twist my arm. Here we go:

On Thursday morning the conference hadn't started yet and we had some time to kill, so Robin and I headed over to Nordstrom Rack to see if we could find some deals. When we got to the store we split up and started shopping. We'd occasionally text one another to say where we were. Robin would text: "I'm in shoes. Flip flops are a steal. Come over here!" and I'd text back, "Are there any Crocs?" (there were, by the way, but I resisted buying another pair). After a while, I realized I needed to use the facilities, so I texted Robin, "Heading to the bathroom." 

She has told me since that when that text came in, she had a feeling of dread creep up on her and she almost texted me a warning, but then changed her mind. 

I headed into the Ladies' Room and I saw three stalls. The first one was clearly occupied as I could see a skirt in a pile on the floor and bare feet. I hesitated for a moment wondering if someone was stealing clothes, but at that point, I didn't have time to worry. I've had two kids and as I get older I don't have much time between "Gee, I need to pee" and "Oh crap, I'm going to pee my pants." I was doing the dance, because I was at the pants peeing stage and I really couldn't stop and worry about shoplifters. 

I quickly jumped into the second stall with only a second or two to spare and relieved myself. As I sat there contemplating what I could do to achieve world peace, I heard a thunk in the stall next to me and I saw a pair of panties hit the floor. I realized then I wasn't dealing with a shoplifter. 

It was immediately clear that the woman beside me had pooped her pants. 

Now, I had a dilemma at this point. I was still mid-stream, so there wasn't much I could do immediately, except think about her delicate situation. Just moments before I myself had a near miss and could easily understand how this could happen. I felt bad for her. 

Should I acknowledge her problem and offer to help? I could run out and buy her a clean pair of panties. But would she want a stranger to help her? Or would that be more embarrassing? Should I just ignore and pretend I didn't see her soiled undies casually tossed inches from my feet? I was confused.

I was just finishing my business when I decided I would offer to get her some clean underwear. I was getting myself put back together when suddenly the bathroom door banged open and someone ran into the third stall (the one on the other side of me) and began to hurl her guts into the bowl.

Are you kidding me?? One chick shitting her pants and the other barfing her lungs out? 

I was done. I was out. I couldn't get involved. A pooper and a puker?? I am not a nice person. I can barely help my kids when they have accidents. I can go and buy a pair of clean panties for someone and toss them over the door, but I can't hold a strangers hair and help hit the mark. I can't offer to help one and leave the other.

No. No. No. I just want to pee alone!

I quickly buttoned my pants and ran out of the bathroom (nope, I didn't even stick around to wash my hands - that's how serious I was about getting away). I practically collided into a Nordstrom Rack employee. "Is everything OK?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I think someone could use some help in the bathroom."

Sorry, Nordstrom girl, but I've done my part. 

Open Letter to Catherine and William

Dear Catherine and William,

Well, it sounds like the royal uterus is vacant once again. Congratulations you two. You've done it. You've got the heir, and you've got some time to work on a spare. Welcome to the toughest job you'll ever love (no, it's not the Peace Corps).

Source: Lego

I don't have much advice for royal parents, except maybe don't let the other royals get too close to him - especially the Queen. (What is her deal? Can she never just be happy? She's the Queen of England for goodness sake - smile!) Look, you guys seem FAIRLY normal (as normal as royalty can be on yachts in exotic places and greeting millions of adoring fans all while looking smashing) and the others just seem completely off their rocker. Oh! I've got another word of advice: Maybe don't let him know he's going to be King until like the day before? That's a lot of pressure to put on a kid and can you imagine a toddler who knows that someday he'll be a real king? Toddlers are already little dictators, trust me, you can't give them that kind of power! Make him think that he's going to have to grow up and work in a fast food restaurant to earn money for a state college (or the British equivalent) instead.

Now, let's get to the real issue at hand: What are you going to name him? I know you've been thinking about this for awhile and so have I. I'm a big fan of names like Henry and James, but don't do Hennree or Jaymes or else I'll never buy the commemorative plate. I'm trusting you guys not to screw this up. All I have left is the royal family to keep the sanctity of proper name spelling going.

No pressure, but no one is going to take King Jax very seriously.

Well, I should let you two get some sleep. If you find yourself up for a midnight feeding and you can't get back to sleep, try reading my new book I Just Want to Pee Alone (the title will make sense to you very soon) or follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

Love,

Jen

And now the immortal words of Jen Lancaster: "You know what Kate Middleton isn't going to name her baby? North."

So what do YOU think Kate and Will WON'T name their baby?