People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook

There are a lot of annoying posts on Facebook. I know we've all done these, but somehow they're not annoying when WE do them, right? Ha. Let's see if I can cover the basics:


1.  Anything to do with vomit and/or diarrhea.  WTH?  Who shares this stuff?  Why did you think we needed to know this?  At least it's usually it's kid-centered - I can handle that a lot better than I can hearing about YOUR diarrhea!  "Guess who woke up early from his nap and spread his poo poo all over the wall?  Uh oh.  Silly, King!  I'll post pictures later! ;)"

McScuze Me, Bitch?

So, it's been brought to my attention that I have a doppleganger out there. Her name is Carla, she's a throat puncher who likes to frequent McDonald's in Missouri. Whuuut?

Take a look. (With earbuds, crazy! You don't want to get fired or teach your kids more swear words than they already know!)


This F*cking Guy

It was brought to my attention that my header had been stolen from my blog and was being used on an anti-Trump meme. At first I was like, "Huh, I do hate that guy and I'd love to see him get impeached," but on the other hand I was like, "That really sucks that someone stole my header and is using my property to make a meme." Because do you know what I hate more than Donald Trump? The theft of intellectual property.

This is not an abnormal occurrence. It happens every single day. Memes are stolen, repurposed, reused, etc. Many times when you reach out to the person and explain that it's stolen property, they will say something like, "Oh, man! Sorry. I didn't realize. I found it at XYZ and I thought it was funny, etc. and so I grabbed it. I'll take it down, no problem." This even happens to me. I've been contacted before that I've grabbed a meme that someone else removed the watermark from and as soon as I verify it is indeed the work of the person contacting me, I take it down or fix it.

No muss, no fuss.

But this fucking guy.

Paul Fucking Stewart.

A reader brought it to my attention that some dude named Paul Stewart shared this meme in a large group.

It is clearly the header from my blog. I own the trademark on People I Want to Punch in the Throat and that photo is a photo my husband took of my children.

I contacted the man and gave him a chance. I explained that I owned the TM and the photo and could he please take it down.

This was his response:


In case you can't read it, I wrote:
"Hello Paul, My name is Jen Mann and I own the trademark on People I Want to Punch in the Throat and the graphic that you shared in the Impeach Donald Trump Now! Room on April 23rd. While I hate the guy and would love nothing more than to see him go, I hate the theft of intellectual property more. Please refrain from using my header or my trademarked name in your memes. Thanks very much. I would also appreciate it if you'd remove my header from your meme and delete the meme from the chat room. Thank you."

Friendly? Right? Nice? I didn't start out all throat-punchy, I was very cool about it all.

But then Paul came back a bit later with:

"Stop trolling me you vile cunt. Fuck you and your stupid trademark so fuck off"

Stop trolling me you vile cunt. Hahahahaha. You haven't even begun to see trolling, Paul, if you think THAT'S trolling.

Stop trolling me you vile cunt. Oh, Paul. I don't think so. I don't just fuck off quietly. You have called the wrong woman a cunt. I don't just cower when someone calls me a cunt. You're not the first man to call me a cunt and you certainly won't be the last. Instead I will shame you with everything I've got. I will post your photo and your response to me all over the internet. I will ask my 1 million followers to share the shit out of this and share it so much your mother will see it and she'll call you and ask you, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Paul??"

How strange that you're in a group that wants to impeach Trump and yet you have as little regard for women as he does? You're a disgusting excuse of a man. You're no better than the man you hate. We're supposed to be on the same side and this is how you treat me? How would you treat a woman who voted for Trump? I can't even imagine what you'd say to her!

You didn't even try to have a conversation with me. Instead you went straight for the c-word. Why is that, Paul? Did I strike a nerve? Were you in the wrong? Are you insecure around women who demand their rights? Are you afraid of a fight? Do you have a tiny dick?

I looked at your profile before you blocked me and it appears that you're a conceited, lonely man without many friends or shirts and I assume you live in your mother's basement. Maybe I should feel bad for you, but I don't.

Paul, I wish nothing but herpes and limp dicks on you for the rest of your life, you piece of shit.

#paulstewartlivesinhismomsbasement

SHARE this so far and wide that Paul's mom kicks him out of the basement or at least demands rent from this asshole.

Don't miss my new book MY LAME LIFE!

Need more laughs in your life? Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

PS - I heard from the moderator of the Impeach DJT Room and Paul has been banned! Stand down. No need to troll them. They are on top of it.




Top 10 Tips to Reuse Lint

You all know by now that I have a cheap bastard for a husband. He is always following me around the house turning off lights leaving me to work in the dark, making our thermostat so cold our pipes freeze, taking me out to eat at buffets and any place he has a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. Because of this, I'm always looking for new frugal, money saving tips to keep my marriage strong and healthy, because I'm a good wife.

My friend Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Mom recently brought a pin on Pinterest to my attention and suggested I take a look. It was called "Reusing Dryer Lint - Frugal Tips."

Hmmm. That sounded interesting. While I've never heard the Hubs complain outright about the amount of lint we waste every year, I thought he might appreciate my proactive approach to saving. When I clicked the link, imagine my surprise to find a fun craft you can do with your children and dryer lint. You can make a sock puppet and shove it full of dryer lint as the stuffing. Yay!!! (Did the sarcasm font work there? Sometimes it doesn't always work.)

Now, my other friend, Robyn, at Hollow Tree Ventures noticed something interesting, "Hey, they promised you tipS, but really there is only one. Surely there are other things you can do with your dryer lint besides stuff a sock?"

You know what? She was absolutely right. Think of all the people who can't make a sock puppet and yet they want to reuse their dryer lint too! So, a bunch of us put our heads together and thought long and hard about other uses for dryer lint this is what we came up with:


My Lame Life


I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been really quiet lately. I have a good reason, though. It's not like I've been binge-watching Netflix and eating bonbons all day. I've been writing a book when I run out of stuff to watch on Netflix and the bonbons are all gone.

That's right! I wrote a new boooooook! (Said in my best Oprah voice.)

I know a lot of you have been waiting for a new People I Want to Punch in the Throat book and I'm excited to tell you that it's ... STILL ON THE WAY. I'm actually turning it into my editor this week.

But in the meantime, I have a different booooook!

This one is called My Lame Life. It's a hilarious and snarky fiction book for young adults (and those adults who like to read YA, I know you're out there, don't try to hide). You see, about a year ago my kids asked me to write a book that they could read. They gave me a list of requirements:

1. Make me laugh.
2. No kissing.
3. Badass heroine.
4. No magic.
5. No terminal illnesses.
6. No dead parents.

And so, Plum Parrish was born. Plum is plucky (even though she'd totally hate that word) and she's awkward and kind of weird and just a lot to handle. She's opinionated and some might call her bossy, but I'd say she has leadership skills. I wanted to write a book that could reach the kids on the fringes. The kids who don't quite fit in, but really don't want to either. It's a struggle to be true to yourself and get through an average day in middle school and high school. I wanted to write a book that my kids and their friends could relate to. A book that shows them to embrace who they are and own it completely, despite public opinion. This is the book that 13-year-old Jen needed. Luckily we had Judy Blume, but even she was a little too sweet for me. I also wanted to write a funny, hilarious, and snarky book that didn't have one single fart joke. This book is like People I Want to Punch in the Throat: The High School Years.

Here's the blurb:

My name is Plum Parrish, I’m fourteen, and I’m pretty sure I’m invisible. Not like super power invisible, more like loser invisible. There’s a big difference. I live with my dad who doesn’t realize that a job transfer to Kansas is not a promotion; my s’mother who thinks journaling, cheesy inspo slogans, and mani-pedis can solve my problems; and my twin brother Pax who is so perfect I’m convinced we share absolutely no DNA. Unfortunately, I’m not invisible to them. I love them, but they embarrass me on the daily. Honestly, they would probably say the same about me, because I’m weird, sarcastic, and just a lot. My best friend is ghosting me, and my other best friend is a teacher. The move to Kansas is my opportunity to reinvent myself and embrace my a lot-ness (yes, that is too a word). Sure, I will literally have to battle a live bat, a Queen Bee, and my unruly hair, but I will find my tribe and own who I am. 

I am really excited for you (and your tweens and teens) to read this book. I think you're going to like it a lot. If this isn't your thing, that's cool, but I bet you know someone who would like this book. Please help me out and tell someone about it. 

Grab a copy at all the retailers here:

>>>>>>KINDLE 

>>>>>>Paperback from Amazon

>>>>>>iBook from Apple

>>>>>>NOOK

>>>>>>Paperback from Barnes & Noble

>>>>>>KOBO

>>>>>>Google Book

If you want a signed paperback, you can email me and I'll let you know how to do that.
And please don't forget to leave me a review on Amazon and Goodreads, those are like gold to me!

Promposals


I guess because I have younger kids, I only ever see the overachieving moms (OAM) at the over the top birthday parties or designing elaborate concoctions for school lunches. I forgot about the children the overachievers have been raising long before I started having kids. I didn't think about the high school-aged children of the OAMs. That's why I was surprised last week when I read an article about "promposals."

What Is That and Where Do You Want to Stick It?

The least they could do is make vibrate while it takes the pictures.
My friend Lainey was visiting and we went to lunch so we could brag about our kids (hers is a Mathlete and mine is working on his professional soccer career), complain about our (lovable) husbands and lament about how old we're getting (we've been friends since high school).

Lainey is in the medical field so I always like the regale her with my tales of aches and pains and crappy doctor's visits.  When we met for lunch I'd been to my gynecologist's office the day before to have an ultrasound.

Not your typical drink 80 ounces of water until your bladder is going to burst so we can push on your bladder and see if we can make you pee yourself while we stare at a dark and blurry screen with shapes I can't tell what's heads or tails (literally).

Oil Pulling


Oil Pulling. I just threw up writing that. Do you know what oil pulling is? No? Brace yourself. So, you scoop a spoonful of coconut oil in your mouth and then you "swish" for 20 minutes if you can make it that long. Only the hardiest of the pullers can make it that long, because you're basically pulling a solid oil that starts to liquefy in the warmth of your mouth and mix with saliva through your teeth while you do things like check your email or watch the news.

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post . It was about reading her five-year-old...