How is it in the 40-plus years I've been listening to Christmas music, I've never actually listened to it?
Let me explain: It was Black Friday. My mother and I were out and about maxing out our credit cards and throwing elbows for seven dollar waffle irons. After several hours of shopping, my mom faded and dropped out to go home to bed. Wussy.
I still had one more stop to make. The worst one of the night -- Kohl's. Gomer had his heart set on giving Hubs a pair of slippers he saw in the flyer and I agreed to go and wait on line (or is in line??) because I am a gem.
I dropped off my mom and headed to Kohl's. The line was ridiculous, but I grabbed the slippers (and a ton of other things, because if I was going to wait on line I'd better make it worth it) and found the end of the line. By now it was close to 10 p.m. and I was zoning out a bit. I didn't have anyone to talk to and my phone didn't have enough life left for me to play Candy Crush while I waited. So, I focused on the Christmas music blaring over the speakers. I hummed along to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I bopped to Jingle Bell Rock, and I got a little teary when that Christmas Shoes song came on. I was shuffling along in the line and starting to lose interest in the music when I heard a line blaring over the loud speaker that made me snap to attention.
"Did that woman just ask what's in her drink?" I asked the man behind me.
"What? Huh?" he asked. He was as bleary-eyed as I was and had no idea what I was talking about.
"The song that's on right now. Did she say 'hey, what's in this drink?'"
"Oh, yeah, I don't know. Sorry."
I listened closer. It was Baby, It's Cold Outside. I've heard the song hundreds of times, but I've never paid close attention to the lyrics other than "Baby, it's cold outside."
"There! She just said 'I ought to say no, no, no' and then he said something about hurting his pride?"
"Um, OK," the man said, clearly wishing he'd picked another line to stand on.
"Am I the only one who thinks this song is rapey?" I asked the strangers around me. Everyone took one giant step back.
They all stared at me.
"It's a Christmas song," someone finally said, as if that made it better.
No. That makes it worse! This is a Christmas song that we play on an endless loop for months. But let's take a look at the words:
The woman has the first line and then it's the man next.
What else are we singing about at Christmas time? I need to start paying closer attention to lyrics!
I knew that Santa was always watching us when we sleep. I thought that was bad enough, until I got to thinking, which head did the children put Frosty's hat upon to make him come alive and what exactly were the reindeer games that Rudolph was never allowed to play?
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