Today I'm interviewing Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear. Nikki is one of the funniest, craziest, silliest, and kindest people I know. She wrote an essay for the new anthology I Just Want to Be Alone. It's called "BJs, Ball Punches, and Mayonnaise." It's one you won't want to read with anything in your mouth, because you will spit it out.
I'm
not a journalist by trade (shocking, I know), so I realized that
interviewing someone is really hard. I decided to avoid all of the
usual author interview questions like, “Nikki, tell us an amusing
story about marketing your books. Anything chuckle-worthy you'd like
to share?”
Instead,
I had an IM chat with her and asked the questions I really want to
know:
MWDAS: Does a bear shit in the woods?
Hells yes I do. I like it mixed with sour cream and capers and
cilantro and chicken and lemon juice. OMG. So tasty.
PIWTPITT: Hold up. Is that an actual
recipe? Can you give me the quantities or whatever of what I need to
make this dip? It's a dip, right?? Can you tell I never cook?
MWDAS: No. It's Chicken salad. Cook
four to five large boneless (I said bone), skinless chicken breasts.
Cool and cube. Mix one cup or mayo (real, not bullshit light) and one
cup of sour cream with a 1/8 cup of capers, fresh cilantro to taste,
1tsp. lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste as well. If you want, you
can sautee minced onions and celery in butter or olive oil to add a
bit of texture. It's tits, Yo!
PIWTPITT: An 1/8 a cup of capers? WTF?
Do you have a measuring cup that measures an 1/8 of a cup? Are you a
food blogger? I'll just eyeball that shit. Also, Pinterest is going
to blow us up because we just put a recipe in here. We're going to
get so many hits!! Quick, take a beautifully lit picture of your
chicken salad and I'll Picmonkey us a graphic to go with it. Nah
nevermind, I can't figure out which fonts look best together. Next
question: If you could throw a parade for anything, what would it be?
MWDAS: A parade? Well, I very much
enjoy a good parade. I like being IN a parade and watching a parade.
Shit, there really should be more fucking parades. Why aren't there
more parades?
PIWTPITT: Chicago should throw you a
parade. It's the least they could do.
MWDAS: WHY WHY WHY? There should be
more parades. You know who should throw me a parade? My husband..
PIWTPITT: Yes he should. That's totally
true. You are a good wife who provides mayonnaise and BJs and he
should recognize that with a marching band and confetti.
MWDAS: He should make a bitchen parade
float using the fucking lawnmower and dress himself up as a clown and
throw dark chocolate at me while mowing the goddamn lawn
PIWTPITT: If you could be a box of
cereal, what kind of cereal would you be?
MWDAS: That's so hard! A box of cereal.
Hmm….
PIWTPITT: I'm a tough reporter. I ask
the hard questions. Obama and Putin are terrified to sit down with
me. I'm pretty sure it's the cereal question that makes them say "No
way" and "Nyet."
MWDAS: You would blow Obama's mind. I'd
be like, "How'd you get Michelle, because seriously, she's the
shit and you are, well, let's face it, Barack – average."
PIWTPITT: Oh Barack. Let's just have
Hillary and Michelle in 2016, because bitches get stuff done.
MWDAS: Ohh! I thought of my cereal.
Frosted fucking Flakes. They're grrrrrreat!
PIWTPITT: Alright, are you ready for
another hard hitting question? Why are tennis balls fuzzy?
MWDAS: Tennis balls are fuzzy so that
people don't stick them up their asses.
PIWTPITT: Uhh … I didn't realize that
was a problem.
MWDAS: And also so that we can use them
in the dryer instead of fabric softener. True story.
PIWTPITT: OK, let's talk about the
book. Your story in I Just Want to Be Alone is a very funny
exchange between you and your husband regarding blow jobs,
mayonnaise, and threats to punch him in his balls. Very romantic, by
the way, as well as hilarious. Who do you think is funnier: you or
your husband?
MWDAS: Depends on the day. He's got a
very dry sense of humor. I yak and yak and yak and he's quiet and
then KAPOW he just urps up some crazy shit that shocks me.
PIWTPITT: Follow up question (reporters
do those a lot): Who do your kids think is funnier?
MWDAS: I asked the kids and Zach said,
"Is this a rhetorical question?" Cate said, "If I say
the you are, what do I get?"
PIWTPITT: Good kids. So smart.
MWDAS: Zach is hands down the funniest
person I have ever met, but he knows it. He's clever, always ON. Cate
is funny, but unintentionally so. I think she gives us the most
laughs on a regular basis.
PIWTPITT: Last question: You are the
woman behind Moms Who Drink and Swear, so I have to ask: What is your
favorite drink and your favorite swear word?
MWDAS: My favorite drink is actually
not an alcoholic drink. I love Coca-Cola. I'd marry it. I try to keep
my consumption to one can a week. Favorite alcoholic drink? Grey
Goose martini - dirty as fuck with blue cheese olives.
PIWTPITT: Oh my God, I'm addicted to
Coca-Cola. You can't marry it, because I'm already sleeping with it.
Coca-Cola should totally put us both in a commercial. We would be
just as cute as those polar bears if not cuter.
MWDAS: Cuter than the polar bears. And
much cuddlier.
PIWTPITT: Way cuter. (Are you listening, Coca-Cola? Cuter and cuddlier than polar bears.) OK, what about
your favorite swear word?
MWDAS: Favorite curse word is really
any curse with the word "bag" or "face" added to
it. Fuckbag, shitbag, assbag, dickbag, bitchface, assface, shitface,
fuckface. See?
PIWTPITT: I see what you did there. Do
you like “Go suck a bag of dicks?” I reserve that one for special
occasions like Christmas and birthdays.
MWDAS: I very much enjoy telling people
to suck a bag of dicks, especially in traffic or busy parking lots.
Parking lots are the worst. You know how I know that I'm not totally
crazy? Because I am able to refrain from mowing down stupid
motherfuckers in parking lots.
I think we'll end on that note! Thanks for stopping by Nikki and answering my hard hitting journalist type questions.
Our book, I Just Want to Be Alone, is available for preorder on Amazon and iTunes - get your copy today. While you're there, pick up a copy of Nikki's book Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.
9 comments:
I got to hang with Nikki during BlogHer and we touched boobs and stuff. I love her, duh, BUT when she said her fave drink was a "Grey Goose martini, dirty as fuck with blue cheese olives" I nearly shat my pantaloons because that is MY fave, too. This interview was very enlightening, Jen. I love you both.
Word of advice, don't eat oatmeal whilst reading this post. I seriously almost choked and spit all over my computer. Funny shit!
The swear word bits were the best!
I'd give my left testicle - hell BOTH of them - to party with you two bitches. If I had balls, that is. I'm sure I can come up with a pair somewhere......uh, anyway that is some seriously funny shit! Oh what fun it would be! Totes!
Coke is definitely the shizznit, but she's a bitch and she's all mine. Especially after some Capt Morgan gets inside her...sometimes sloppy seconds are A-ok!
It shocked the fuck out of me that you two rolled straight into recipes, but that's my favorite thing about both of you. Not your recipes, I mean that you surprise me on the regular. Keep it up. Hanna, you and your spellcaster can suck a bag of dicks.
BA!!!!!! Laughing my ass off. You guys are hysterical.
I can honestly say I've never read a better interview that included a recipe and the phrase "a bag of dicks." I'm pretty grateful the dicks weren't part of the recipe, too. Great interview! Bitchassfuckface. Sorry, I felt like my comment was missing something.
I love you ladies. Also I'm making chicken salad now--but I'm eyeballing capers.
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