The Lady Who Says, "No Candy for You, Fatso!"

It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year?

I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.

I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.
I love all of these things about Halloween, but more than anything I love the bite sized Snicker bars. My kids aren't sure what they taste like, because I always steal them out of their buckets on the first night and hide them.

Halloween is a time for kids to put on crazy costumes and go ask strangers for candy. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's fun. Unless you live next door to this lady. She's going to hand out this letter:

Source: KWQC David Nelson
When ever a kid comes to her door she's going to size him up and see if he looks obese to her and if he does, Bam! He gets the "it takes a village to make your fat kid feel like shit" letter. She's a real gem.

I have prepared a letter for anyone handing out similar letters tomorrow night:

Happy Halloween, Asshole!

You are probably wondering why you received this note. It's because you ruined my kid's holiday and you've probably permanently damaged her sense of self worth. You couldn't just give her a bag of pretzels or bubbles or even a pencil? She loves pencils and would have been thrilled with a spooky pencil. There are so many other options out there for "healthy" treats. No one asked you give my kid a bite sized Snicker bar, but if you have any of those, I'll gladly take them off your hands. 

In my opinion, you're one of the worst people I've ever met - or actually never met since you didn't step outside your house to talk to me about YOUR concerns for MY child. Instead, you chose the dick move of slipping a really mean letter into his treat bucket. By the way, he can read, so thanks for that. (He noticed you have a typo in the third paragraph, BTW. Why do assholes always have typos?) We'll just go ahead and send you the bill for the counseling that's now required, neighbor.

My hope is that you will step up and move away from our neighborhood, preferably this weekend. I'm available to help you pack your shit. I can't imagine what purpose you serve, other than every village needs an idiot and I guess you've got that position cornered.

Happy Halloween, Asshole!

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80 comments:

Min said...

I would be so mad. I get that she thinks she is "helping" but it's not any of her business and if she is really concerned, she can give out little toys or knickknacks.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Exactly. Stickers, temporary tattoos, erasers, spider rings, anything besides that note.

bebe said...

she can kiss my fat ass as I kick hers!

Moira Incendia said...

Or she could just... ya know... leave the porch light off, don't hand out candy, and keep her Grinchy self inside. Leave the observations on obesity to the pediatricians, and keep her bullying attitude to herself and the people who have no choice but to interact with her.

Mama Moo said...

WTF?!?!? What is the point of that other than singling kids out and being mean! Give out apples and oranges, or no food at all. My kids love the candy but my oldest is stoked about anything, the little playdough things, pencils, erasers, stickers. There are so many options or how about this, don't answer your door! If you have a problem with the idea of Halloween just don't participate, it's that simple. What a terribly mean person.

Michelle S. said...

I saw this on The Today Show. What a horrible person. If it takes a village, they should send HER part of the therapy bill!

Im going to poke my eyeballs out! said...

Are you kidding me? I hope she owns a shit load of Windex. She's going to need it when the neighbors egg her house..

RachRiot said...

My hope is that North Dakota will step up as a community and taco punch this sanctimonious bitch into next week. It takes a village, indeed.

Sandra said...

This woman makes me so angry. She deserves a punch in the throat. I pray she doesn't have children.

Stacey Hatton said...

Has she seen the movie Fargo? I'd be a little worried if I was her, and stay away from any neighbors with "fat" kids whose mamas own a wood chipper.

Nicole said...

I am so pissed! In our house, we do trick-or-treating for my daughter, but there's a dentist around our parts who buys back candy ($1 per pound-5 lbs max) and sends it to the troops. Not only is my kid NOT eating all that junk, but she is earning money and supporting our troops. Not all kids that go trick-or-treating intend to eat the candy, some are diabetic and just go for fun. They don't need letters like this. Especially in today's society when we see kids committing suicide younger and younger. This lady isn't helping, she's bringing down their self esteem. As you pointed out, there are so many other options, why couldn't she just hand out rings, bubbles or pencils? What kid doesn't like that crap?!? What if a kid that got this was already depressed and just looking for some fun and does end up committing suicide over this? Nobody knows what goes on in the minds of others. What a nasty, nasty lady.

Deann Salazar said...

I really HATE the "it takes a village" people. That concept, when correctly used, is that we should all come together and HELP each other with support since it can be hard to juggle everything. Like hey little Bobby is about to run into the street and his poor mom doesnt see because shes trying not to drop 20 grocery bags, I'll go help her so Bobby doesnt get squashed.

However whenever anyone tries to use that I've noticed it's in a sanctimonious way that forces their values on my kid. Hey asshat it's not that you as village elder get to tell everyone how they should raise their kids.

Plus, at least at Halloween the kids are having to work and exercise to collect that candy.

Billy Eggers said...

Not nitpicking here, but you referred to your child as "her" in one paragraph, and "him" in the next. It might seem to some that this is made up just for attention.

Elizabeth Catalano said...

I guess she'll be happy then when all the kids in the neighborhood TP her house because at least they'll have gotten some exercise!

Anonymous said...

What a raging bitch!! Wow. That is so damaging. I just love that she wishes to remain anonymous. Guess what lady, people are going to find out who you are and when they do...... all because you chose to tell children that they are too fat to deserve candy on a fun holiday and to let those parents know that they are not good ones, your world is about to change. Good for you!! Bitch.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Holy ASSHOLE. This woman is despicable. Your letter says it all. Think we can get it painted on the side of her house?

Angry mama said...

Give out freakin glow sticks then! No one asked you to hand out candy.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Holy ASSHOLE. This woman is despicable. Your letter says it all. Think we can get it painted on the side of her house?

Anonymous said...

She has two children. One of each sex and she was trying to answer this nasty woman's note with a note that would cover what she and other parents would be feeling and wanting to say in response to this horrible horrible note. Covering all of the bases if you will. What part of this blog post did you think was made up? Of course the response note was made up, not the original one that is actually going to end up in some kids candy bags.

Jenn & Jamie said...

She has 2 kids a boy and a girl.

Jessica said...

My sentiments exactly.

Jessica said...

shared on my facebook with the following rant: guess what fat kids- moderately OBESE kids- skinny kids- FAT PARENTS come to my house !!! I was going to go out to dinner- but I am COMPELLED to sit on my porch and hand out candy now- Hey Anonymous Woman who is looking to RUIN a little kids night- if this is so IMPORTANT to you then let us know your NAME and ADDRESS - why hide!! You obviously KNOW how HORRIBLE you are- rant done


I will be camped on my porch handing out candy to everyone

Heather M. said...

Someone should let her know the hypocritical, self righteous, ignorant, "perfect" village better known as "My $hit don't stink" that raised her is filing a missing persons report for her. She needs to catch the "Mind your own damn business" train back there. Hand out apples, popcorn, pennies or tooth brushes NOT your bad attitude. I would be passing toilet paper and silly string out up the street to all the kids for your sorry, critical ass.

Pink Fuzzy Slippers and My Hubby's Pants said...

Love your response! This person is an awful human being.

Periwinkle Paisley said...

Talk about a mean Halloween Trick. On the one hand, I could give her the benefit of the doubt that she means well but that is as far as it goes. There is just NO good way to tell a parent that their parenting sucks or their kid is fat or both. On the other hand, she may as well put up a big sign that says "I REALLY WANT YOU TO EGG MY HOUSE!"

Near where I live one town passed a stupid law that anyone who wants to trick or treat has to prove their residency to get an armband. If you don't have one people there (I guess) can tell all those good for nothing, freeloading, outlander children to get the hell off their property. How rotten is that?

lauren said...

She doesn't give her last name but her first name is Cheryl. Hopefully it only takes that first parent that gets handed the letter by their sad and confused child to shut things down. She went on the local radio program and spouted that "I think it's just really irresponsible of parents to send them out looking for free candy just 'cause all the other kids are doing it." Really lady...because what....you know for a fact lady that these kids'll just go home and eat all the candy in one sitting? She's a bully of the worst kind. Plain and simple. What goes around comes around and she better be ready for the $hit storm headed her way.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Tanya and Jenn are right. Just covering all of my bases for both my kids. As for being made up, of course my letter is made up. That's kind of what I do. HER letter is not made up, go do some research. She's for real.

Anonymous said...

This poor lady tries to do something to fight child obesity and she is viciously attacked by the morbidly obese-backers. If half of the parents in our country cared as much as this lady the epidemic would almost disappear.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me you are kidding. What gives her the right? I am just glad that this story came out before Halloween. That way people can talk to their kids about other ignorant people. She isn't doing this to "help" anyone. If she doesn't want to give candy, then give pencils or cheap Halloween toys like plastic spiders and such. Why does she need to be hurtful? Because she is sanctimonious. She wants others to think that they are doing a bad job and she has all the answers. That is why. This is not a show of caring. She doesn't know these families or their situations, except maybe a few. This woman obviously feels bad about herself and wants to make others feel that way too. She shouldn't put her insecurities on others.

Susanne said...

Does she have a version for kids with rotten teeth? Should she take it upon herself to monitor their sugar intake as well? Or does the village not really care about those problems? What a lunatic!!

Kathe said...

Who made her the Mayor of the Village?? I think the "City Council" should vote her ass out of office and and put her in charge of the "Department of Sewage"!

Darlene Williams said...

You had me at "FARGO". I too dislike the "it takes a village" statement. The woman who wrote that letter obviously was not taught manners by her "village".
Dear Neighbor, You're probably wondering why you are receiving this note. You will not be invited to any of the block parties or pot lucks because your behavior is ugly. It takes a village and we don't want your crappy attitude rubbing off on our children. Thanks for not attending.

Amy Flory said...

I hope her crazy is so outwardly obvious, her neighbors steer clear of her house on Halloween, or they recognize her from the news. I am really worried about the kids who unknowingly ring her doorbell.
Also, it's going to be 40 degrees, so it'll be hard to calculate a motherfucking BMI when kids are wearing costumes and cold weather gear IN THE DARK. Ugh.

Teri Biebel said...

I love you so hard.

Susan Thatcher said...

That house will look like an omelette.

Emily said...

Bully of the worst kind - EXACTLY!!

Jennifer said...

It's not like this trick or treating thing is a new idea. Her parents probably didn't let her buy those costumes with the crappy masks, and gave out the 5 pennies taped together. Hated that. And they think Halloween is an 'evil" holiday. Blah.

Nicole Shaw said...

I would kick her in the nuts.

Chad and Lisa said...

So funny! I love it! Especially the village idiot comment!

Nicole said...

There are far better ways to go about fighting child obesity. Handing out letters on Halloween to kids that SHE deems obese is just wrong. If she really wanted to fight child obesity then she shouldn't be handing out candy in the first place. She could become an advocate in her community, she could help raise awareness, she could go to the schools and get them to start serving better lunches. Simply handing out hurtful letters on Halloween isn't "helping" anything.

Rebecca Ledbetter said...

Hahahaha, taco punch!

Anonymous said...

You can baby your kids if you want, this warrior against child obesity realizes that you must me rough with the problem. Patting them on the back, telling them theyre beautiful on the inside while giving them a cupcake only makes the problem far worse. You can't hug the fat out.

deanna said...

Egging would be mild compared to how I'd react if she did this to my kid. WTH, how would that go?? Here, you're skinny enough to get junk, but here, kid, you're fat - here's a letter to your parents about how I think I know what your health is like from seeing you in a costume in the dark for 3 seconds. Asshole.

Stacey Mosley said...

That village idiot comment was priceless! Your commentaries never fail to make me laugh out loud!

Sarijane said...

She's not doing anything to fight child obesity. She's targeting certain children and their parents. If she wants to fight child obesity, then she shouldn't give out candy period and either turn off the porch light and give nothing or give alternatives like pencils, bubbles, apples, etc.

Jessica said...

Pretty sure "F U" is the lady who wrote the letter. ;-)

halesbales said...

"every village needs an idiot"...Thank you for that. It has helped me let go of some of my anger for this woman

melhhj1 said...

I work at an outdoor education facility and see over 6000 kids every year, many of whom are overweight. It's sad to see them struggle to keep up on hikes and in activities. With my own kids, I try to serve healthy foods most of the time, but we enjoy our treats too. Childhood obesity is a complicated issue - overall diet, exercise, time spent in front of screens, lack of time spent in nature and in free play, access to healthy foods, decreasing time spent in recess and PE in schools, etc. A note that will make kids feel bad and parents angry is not going to solve any of these issues. And if my kids gorge themselves on candy for a week, it isn't going to have any effect on their BMI, as long as they are eating healthy foods on a regular basis. What this woman is doing is awful.

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Ho. Ly. SHIT.

World of Olive said...

The thing that denist does is awesome! Thanks for sharing it! What a great idea!

World of Olive said...

Had to be the best line in the whole post!

Anonymous said...

There is a right way and a wrong way to combat child obesity. This lady's approach is definitely the wrong way, for many many reasons. If you can't this then I feel very sorry for you.

moviemonster said...

Someone needs to replace this woman's next paycheck with a note saying, "...Have you ever heard the saying it takes a village? We, as members of this community, were sorely disappointed by the note you chose to circulate this past Halloween. YOUR thought process and YOUR (spelled with an R, dear) grammer is, in our opinion, unacceptably poor. Therefore we feel you should not be writing notes, or checks for that matter, as much as the other more stable and educated adults of this community. Our hope is that you step up as a human being and get a CLUE ... and an education ...and a heart.

melhhj1 said...

Our dentist has a buy back program, too. My daughter keeps using my kitchen scale to weigh different types of candy we have around so she can get an idea of how much she's going to ear with her candy. I don't know if I can let her sell the dark chocolate milky way's, though.

Julie said...

taco punch made me laugh too!

Peanutlayne said...

I love this Jen! I'm bringing my new puppy over to crap on her porch.

donna bennett said...

Nicole you are so right on! And the tesponse letter that started this is absolutely perfect.if you got problems with Halloween, either don't participate or hand out something non candy. I, as a parent, ALWAYS went thru their candy when they came home, and guess who eats a good portion of that candy anyways? That's right, the parents! Its their job to devide what they let their kids consume, not the neighbors! And yeah,I'm thinking eggs and toilet paper might make an appearance, from "the village".

Cosmic said...

Wish I lived closer - I'd come over and crap on her porch :)

Starr said...

Many years ago, a lady knocked on my door on Halloween, and I answered in my Minnie Mouse costume. She giggled, squeezed my knee, and told me that was the fattest knee she's ever seen. Then she asked for a donation to United Way. Mind you, I was not a child and not super sensitive, but I wondered if this woman forgot she was begging door to door. Me and my fat knees slammed the door and ate some more candy.

Cosmic said...

" Warrior against child obesity" - is that a new way of saying "chicken [email protected]#% coward who hides behind anonymous notes and judges other people"? You can't humiliate the fat out of kids, either.

Emelie said...

That bitch is begging to get egged and tp'd. Just BEGGING for it.

Drain Bramage and Bluffy Funnies said...

Hah Jessica I was about to say it seems like "f u" may have wrote the letter!

The ONLY part I will even remotely agree with "f u" on is I do think as a society we're over-babying our kids. And by that I mean, It's not going to hurt them if they don't get 1st, 2nd or third place adn don't win a trophy. The "everyone wins" mentality doesn't really encourage hard work. It's OK and totally fine and not the end of the world if you're not always in the top 3, not everyone excels at everything. I may be an artist and always finished well with art, but try to make me to Trig or Calculus, or build an engine, or sing and you'll be sorely disappointed. So the "over-babying" our kids and sheltering them from ANYTHING negative I think has... well a negative affect. We need to experience all things, whether good or bad in order to learn and grow from them as people. But that's about the closest I get to agreeing with "f u".

HOWEVER! The lady that wrote that letter is a vile, disgusting human being. She does not know the circumstances for each child. Perhaps it IS a medical condition, or maybe their parents really don't care what they eat... who knows? But what business is it of hers? If she doesn't want to contribute to childhood obesity, turn the damn light off, or hand out pencils or stickers or things others have mentioned. If you're giving out candy PERIOD you're "contributing to childhood obesity", whether or not the kids are skinny or heavier. I'd have more respect if the note was something like "I think childhood obesity has become an epidemic, so instead of giving out candy, I have chosen to give out these cool spooky pencils instead! I hope you all have a lovely and blessed holiday!" or something like that.

Jen, as usual, you hit the nail on the head, and I love your blogs!! I hope I can get up to the level you're at someday, keep rocking it out lady!!! <3

Nicole said...

She's an asshole. If you're going to be a Scrooge on Halloween, please do everyone a favor and shut off your fkn light. I am 35 years old and still love Halloween. I don't have kids of my own, so I go trick or treating (dressed up) with my cousin and her kids. Apparently she doesn't know that 99% of parents bring their kids' candy to work so that their kids don't gorge themselves.

Nicole said...

p.s., Its Devil's night and she should get toilet papered ; )

julie p said...

Hey lady! Your village called ... they want their Idiot back. Asshole.

cmg said...

Salutations Old Bat,

I apologize for not calling you "dear", you might have decided not to read this if I used a "sweet" word like that in my greeting.
You know those shirts with the pithy [you had to Google that word, didn't you] saying about "your village called - they're missing their idiot"? That was about you, toots.
If you're a product of the Fargo Moorhead, West Fargo village, you're certainly not good publicity. If your village is so superior, you should be able to proofread your idiotic note before distributing it. Or perhaps you had several members of your tribe give you the thumbs up on your note. It must be embarrassing to be called out by a girl from Alabama on your inability to form proper sentences!
I'm a bit confused by your message. The sentence says "you child is"... Are you meaning to say that my child is moderately obese or have you recently watched "The Help" [goodness knows you couldn't have read it] and you're to sneak it in with "you is kind, you is smart, but not too smart because you and your young'uns is obese"...
I feel sorry for you. You have to tear down little kids to make yourself feel better. I bet you were the Charlie Brown kid and got rocks for Halloween.
Instead of being a hateful, judgemental old thing, how about you turn off the lights and not answer the door at all? Or, if you're really trying to look out for everyone's best interests, you shouldn't be giving out candy at all! Give out pencils. Then those fat (moderately obese) kids can gnaw on tthe tip of the pencil since they don't have any candy to crunch.
If you're looking to be a legend, that's guaranteed. It won't be for your heroic efforts to stop childhood obesity. You will be legendary for being a mouthy old shrew who decides to run her yap.
Cordially yours,
Me

cmg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brandy DeMers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brandy DeMers said...

She's the Village Idiot

Rory Bore said...

You know, by happy coincidence, eggs are on sale at my supermarket today.
I cannot believe the unfathomable nerve of some people.

Organized Chaos said...

Go put a crap ton of candy at her front door...you know because it takes a village! ask the village to all spend an extra couple of bucks and buy the cheap candy...you know all the things that are still left at the bottom of the Halloween bucket 3 weeks later and cover her freakin porch!

Rachel said...

I think she leaked it herself to the media in an effort to 'go viral' and is loving all the attention, negative or not...which makes her an extra-super-assholey-asshole

tressie melton said...

I usually play devils advocate with this type of situation but after reading the letter, and f u 's idiotic reply to Jen's well deserved throat-punch response, I'm almost at a loss forwords. Jen PIWTPITT ppretty well summed up most of what I wanted to say. I would have said she was the one that asked for the attention, so she really can't complain about what kind she gets. Yeah, this country is baby-ing some of its kids too dam much. Guess what, some of its adults are to dam baby-ed too. But that dam sure doesn't give this sanctimonious, judgmental, tickturd the right to say something to my child about something she doesn't have that much control over. My baby girl was one of those fat kids, but she was also very sick as a baby and after surgeries and medicines and greatgrands who can't say no, she topped out at 112 at age 7. She and I have worked very hard, with her doctors, to get her medical issues fixed and through the last 3 years, she has lost 20 pounds and grown 6 inches. She is sweet and shy and self-conscious enough without this heifer WHO DOESN'T KNOW HER AND ISN'T HER DOCTOR telling her she is not good enough to get the same treatment as the skinny kids. That's horsehockey. I don't normally advocate violence, having survived it myself, nor would I normally advocate giving a bully attention- but the red headed Southern Momma in me is screaming for a good old-fashioned woodshed visit for that...that...that YANKEE. ( sorry, strongest cussword I could type on this public comp) But, God says vengeance is His, and He really doesn't like when people hurt His innocent children. (slightly evil grin)

KD said...

I just read on another site that this was a radio gag and isn't for real

Sadie K said...

Hope it was nothing more than a gag as stated by KD; otherwise I am all for Jen's post.

If you would like a little fun Halloween Reading with no chance I think of offending anyone, check out "13 Reasons Witches Rock"
http://sadiesgathering.blogspot.com/2013/10/13-reasons-witches-rock.html
Happy Halloween!

imbogus1 said...

Jen - you are the best fucking woman in the world! I wish I could call out all the people you do as eloquently as you do!

Ms Mae said...

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/416910/

It's a hoax. Sad, but not true

Charlotte H said...

True or not, this is hilarious. And I wouldn't put it past people to read that lady's letter and decide to copy it, for the 'good' of the children. Some people are ass holes like that.
http://sheepishlyshameful.blogspot.co.uk/

Dan in Dallas said...

Not to mention the idiot lady can't spell

KimberlyO said...

FYI, this is a hoax. The radio station Y94 has come forward to our local television station to say it was all fake. Thank goodness. (This is the same radio station where supposedly someone called in and thought the deer should only be crossing at the deer crossing signs - that went viral too. You can google "Donna the Deer Lady".)

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