Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post. It was about reading her five-year-old daughter's diary. Kim knew her daughter had been writing in her diary and Kim wondered what was going on in her daughter's head. She took the key and opened the book. She was apprehensive. She was worried she might find out that her daughter was sad or angry or hiding something. Instead, she found that her daughter was happy and loved her life. Kim wrote a sweet and endearing post about this experience and her relief to find her daughter happy and healthy.

Now, it's known that the Huffington Post has some of the meanest, angriest, trolliest commenters around. I always imagine many of them living in vans down by the river or licking Cheetos residue from their fingers while typing their raging opus in their mother's dark basements. Well, Kim struck a nerve with her post and got those vans and basements rattling with anger.

So many people came out screaming at Kim for "violating her daughter's privacy," for "betraying her trust," and flat out calling Kim a terrible mother.

All of the comments got me thinking.

If they thought Kim was a terrible mother, then I must be a HORRIBLE mother. I saw nothing wrong with what Kim did. A few people made the distinction that her daughter is only five, but if she were 15 then it would a be a violation, blah, blah. But I disagree.

I have been very clear in making sure my children have never even gotten the idea that they have a right to privacy in my home. Sure, my kids can bathe in private or close the doors to their bedrooms, but they cannot keep diaries locked away or drawers in their dressers off limits from me and the Hubs.

Why do we think that children deserve privacy? Why do we think that some how we're betraying our precious snowflake's trust by reading her text messages or his emails? I'm not betraying their trust, I'm parenting. They don't get to keep secrets from me. They don't get to leave this house without telling me where they're going, who they're going with, and when they will be back.

They can have an opinion and they can tell me my rules suck, but I really don't care. I have a job to do. My job is to raise them and to keep them safe and to make sure they're not entitled assholes.

Only entitled assholes demand a right to privacy. They're kids. They're not adults. Not even adults have complete freedom. I know I've had to pee in many a cup to get a job and I know that my emails were read and my phone conversations were monitored. That's just life.

My children will never have privacy. I am their mother. This is my house. I am determined to know everything that goes on under this roof. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will always know what's happening, there will be secrets they'll manage to keep, but I'm also not stupid enough to think my kids will just tell me everything that's going on in their lives. I have to be an active parent. I can't be lazy or complacent and just think my kids are good kids because they have decent grades and their friends seem OK.

You know why not? Because kids lie. All the time.

When my kids are teenagers, they will know that at any moment I can ask them to hand over their cell phones, laptops, whatever equipment they'll be carrying by then, so that I can see who they're talking to and what they're talking about. Can you imagine if those boys in Steubenville had parents who enforced this rule? Can you imagine getting your son's phone and seeing pictures of a girl being violated by him and his friends? Do you think those boys would have taken those pictures if they suspected their parents might see them? Do you think they would have uploaded videos to Youtube laughing at the victim and calling her names if they thought for a second their parents would access their Youtube accounts? I don't think they would. But I'm not surprised the Steubenville boys didn't have rules like these. Those kids were dicks and they had parents who enabled them and let them be dicks. My guess is, those kids had privacy. Those kids had parents who didn't want to betray their trust or invade their personal space. That's bullshit.

(Of course I'm not saying that every kid who is allowed privacy is going to be a rapist or an asshole, but your chances are pretty high. Good for you if you've raised a good kid who was also afforded privacy!)

A few weeks ago I had lunch with a friend who has a teenage daughter. My friend was upset because her freshman daughter had been caught sending inappropriate photos to a senior boy. The mother of the boy was doing her usual random search through her son's phone and came across the photos of a scantily clad young girl. She demanded to know who the girl was and her son told her. She tracked down my friend and told her about the photos of her daughter. The mothers agreed to delete the photos and punish the kids.

Can you imagine if the boy's mom didn't find that photo? Can you imagine if the boy decided for some reason to share the picture with the rest of their school? Girls are killing themselves because of photos like these.

Kids make dumb choices. They are not equipped to think about consequences. That's why we need to parent them. We need to be there guiding them and helping them and supervising them. And to me, that means no privacy.

What about their diaries? I will read their diaries and their journals and anything else they write. Too many kids struggle with depression, addiction, low self esteem, and more and a good place to find out about it is through their writings. I would rather violate their trust and read my child's journal and get them help than stand by with my head in the clouds hoping they'll tell me what's bothering them while they're contemplating their suicide.

Too many kids are hurting themselves and others because they're in pain and they need help. I can't stand by and just hope my kids will tell me what's bothering them.

So, their journals and texts and emails will be ours to read. Their drawers will be ours to search.

I do this, not because I'm running a police state or because I wrote the Patriot Act (as a brilliant HP commenter accused me of), but because I am responsible for them and I love them and I want guide them and help them.

I am all for kids learning through their mistakes, but I want those mistakes to be flunking a math test or getting a detention for too many tardies. I don't want the mistake to be sending a text message while driving and accidentally killing a child walking home from school. I don't want the mistake to be emailing naked photos to the captain of the football team and hoping he keeps those to himself. I don't want the mistake to be a child who is so depressed he hurts himself and/or his classmates. I love my children fiercely and I don't want to be that parent who says, "We had no idea she felt this way."

Maybe you think I am a terrible mother, but I really don't care.

If you like what you read, please follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Subscribe via e-mail.

Hey you guys, I have a NEW book out! GET IT OUT HERE!


«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 337 of 337
Unknown said...

I completely agree! Kids privacy = Kids parenting themselves. That means, you are leaving the decisions of important, sometimes life altering/changing/ending decisions to a child who can't make proper decisions yet. Yeah, there is NO privacy in my house so long as you are under age. And even if you are over 18, if you live in my house or need any part of my support, you still don't have ultimate privacy. It was the government that decided 18 was an adult and not because it's true. Kid's brains don't stop developing well into their 20's. So 18 or not, it is my responsibility and commitment to help my child grow and not just survive life but LIVE life to the fullest! I'm sure many don't agree, but when your kid is doing drugs/alcohol/gangs or pregnant before they are mature/old enough, then come talk to me about how useful privacy for a child really was!

Unknown said...

Hi I recently wrote you via email requesting permission to translate this post into slovak language. Is there a better way to contact you for this? thank you.

Unknown said...

I understand that you're trying to keep your children safe, but I think kids deserve to have some privacy. Kids are humans too and they don't wanna share every little detail with their parents. That's what friends and diaries are for! Yes it's important that parents know what's going on in their child's life and they are involved but sometimes you gotta step back and let them live their own life. As you know, strict parents create sneeky children

Kenji said...

I was a kid who never had privacy. My dad check me EVERYDAY from midday till midnight and even then, I managed to do drugs for 5 years straight without anyone knowing (from 13-18). I decided to stop taking drugs when I'm 18 because i just know better.
My point is that, if your kid really want to turn bad they probably could, even if you keep your eyes on everything they did.

I think finding the middle ground between what is privacy and what's not with your kid is the best idea and try not to strip them away of what they find precious. Also your love and your time is the most precious thing a kid could ever ask for.

Albert said...

throat punches just make sense in todays day and age plus sometimes you can look macho doing this.

Anonymous said...

I just have to warn you that it was actions like these that caused me, now 30 years old, to avoid my mother as much as possible now that I am out on my own. This may end up being your relationship with the children you are denying privacy to.

Unknown said...

AMEN!!! I am on board with your parenting style.

Faith said...

Brandy I'm so sorry your step-dad did that to you. But that is not the same thing as quietly reading the diary to be on the look out for something potentially troublesome. A good parent would read the diary quietly and not comment. If there was something they think should be addressed they would find a way to bring it up later in a way that didn't embarrass the child or make it obvious that they read it. I'm sorry you didn't have good parents.

Anonymous said...

Yeah no privacy in our home and that is why we constantly TEACH and show our children how to GET YOUR LIFE!! One thing we tell them is do what you want to do and not what you have to do in life by making good decisions now.

Wear Your Own Shoes Resale Boutique

Unknown said...

What a sad, misguided tirade in this post. Children are perceptive little people. Show them no trust and no privacy, and they will return the favor by getting creative to keep things from you- and showing you the same lack of respect you show them. As they grow up, they will already have formed the habit of keeping everything from you, and they will not confide in you because you are not trustworthy and show them no respect. I remember kids like yours in high school- the ones who hid everything in their school lockers and at their friends' houses- the ones whose parents thought they knew everything but really knew nothing at all about what their kids were really up to. Those kids, of course, engaged in significantly more dangerous behavior than the ones who felt they could talk to and confide in their parents. Build a foundation of trust, respect and open communication- not disrespect, distrust, and snooping.

Unknown said...

AMEN, sister!!!! They can have privacy when they are 18 and paying fucking rent. Which is unlikely to happen in my house, because I'm their mother, not their BFF, and by then they will want to get the hell out of my house. Poor @Kim Bongiorno...but knowing her, she took it with her big girl panties on.

Unknown said...

Thank you for blogging about this. A few years ago I probably would have been on the the other side of this issue but right now I'd have to agree with you. My son committed suicide 4 years ago and if I'd had the chance to read his diary (had he kept one, he didn't) and get some incite into how he was really feeling I might have been able to prevent his death. At the time I thought I knew my son well enough to know that he would never do something like that. It just goes to show that when someone is that sick with mental illness you can't understand what they are going threw unless you've been there yourself.

Anonymous said...

To Michelle- Kudo's to you for sharing. That cannot be easy.
My daughters are 4 and 1. They will have "privacy" when they are a legal adult and are on their own. Monitoring your children isn't "snooping", it is parenting. There is a reason they are not considered legal adults until age 18 and that is because they do not always make the right choices because their reasoning skills haven't fuly developed yet. Going through your parents belongings, that IS snooping, as they are legal adults and by now are able to make and be responsible for, their decisions.
I did typical things teens do- drank, smoked, snuck out of the house. And did I lie and hide it from my parents? Absolutely. I will do whatever I need to do to keep my kids safe. Stop being your kids' friend. Be their parent.
When you are an adult and are at work, your emails, phone calls, documents- they are all property of your employer and subject to review. Anythig inappropriate, you're fired. Try telling them, "you were snooping" and see how many of them will let you keep your job.

sciencemom said...

I would not violate my children's trust. I would not tell them that I would not read their diary and then do it. However, I am upfront with my children that I am their mom and they should not have secrets from me. If they don't know what to do with their emotions, with what is going through their heads or with something they have done we can work through it together. I am working hard to teach them from a young age that they will still face the natural consequences of their actions, but if they come to me for help they won't need to fear that we would reject them or that there will be angry punishment to pay them back for their honesty. My kids are luckily still young, but I taught high school and I know how quickly good kids can get over their heads if no-one knows what is going on. When my daughter got her first diary, I gave it to her and told her that she could use it for whatever she wanted, but that she should remember that Mom and Dad are here to share her secrets and help her if she is sad or afraid. So basically my kids have no reasonable expectation of privacy in our house, so going through their stuff is not a violation of their trust in the first place. Instead it is an exercise of my parental responsibilities.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Hi Tammi, Thank you for your comment. My heart breaks for you and your loss. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Who knows what would have made the difference in his decision? We can only do the best we can.

rmatousek32 said...

Yep! Anything they do I can and will read with one exception....the 13 year old's journal he does for therapy. His Dad and I both have depression (for me it is severe) and he is already showing the leanings towards it. Have had him in therapy and he, the youngest and I will be starting again as soon as we move because their Dad and I are getting divorced so I want to make sure they are talking it out with someone because unfortunately they have seen me in some pretty bad places emotionally and I think they try to keep it in to protect me. I tell them all the time that I don't want them to hold it in. If it upsets me that is alright but I would rather be upset and know they are talking than be ok and them hurting. The oldest holds a lot in and bottles it up but things he journals I don't read unless he has left them out. He knows I go in his room to do laundry and things and if I find something I AM GOING TO READ IT! It is not a secret. The younger one I read everything. He is easier to show emotion, like me, but he also has a hard time expressing how he feels. I have found some disturbing things he has written when angry and I am concerned. That is another reason for therapy with him. There is NO privacy in regards to the internet with them or anything else save the oldest's journal unless left out. I am trying to raise responsible, good citizens, and trying to help them make the best choices in life and I can't do that if I don't keep a close eye on what they are doing and being exposed to. I refuse to let them be those kids that feel entitled to EVERYTHING and responsible for NOTHING! I REFUSE to let that happen! This is the way too many kids are raised these days and that is why we have to "affluent" kid problems, disrespectful kids/adults, thugs who think they are the center of the world.

Unknown said...

Love your blog and wish there were more parents like you! As a parent of teens I have had to commandeer their devices/accounts from time to time and I'm shocked how little other parents know about their own children - obviously we are a minority. I certainly don't monitor them on a daily basis (its pretty boring stuff), but if something seems a little suspicious, then I'll take a look and there's usually something going on that they hadn't fully told me. "Privacy is for changing clothes and going to the bathroom."

Anonymous said...

Anna, you are awesome. Way to back up your mom. I HATE judgey people- having a differing opinion is one thing; telling someone that their child will never want anything to do with them because of their parenting is ridiculously offensive.
I call my mom several times a day. I am 44 with 2 young kids of my own, I work full time as an administrative educator. My mom snooped in my stuff and believe me you I got grounded for a good long while on the occasions I got caught lying and doing what I wasn't supposed to do. I went to college and definitely sowed my wild oats, but came out the end just fine. I've been independent from my parents since graduation. And I plan on monitoring my kids even more closely than my parents did because I know all the bad stuff I did that I DIDN'T get caught for.
My mom is my best friend- she didn't lose me because she was strict. She gained my respect for being my parent and being able to see that is what's needed when you are young.

GammaRay said...

I had really shitty parents, who were selfish, wrapped up in their own misery and more than willing to dole some out just so they wouldn't feel alone in their suffering. My mom was nothing like you, and I had no one to trust. So I bought a journal to write my feelings into. It made me feel safe to let my pain and anger out onto paper. So I locked it and stuffed it under my mattress. I'll never forget the day I found out she (and my step monster) had read it. For them it was entertainment and made snide comments in regards to the contents. Now I'd been through some serious shit that screws up most kids and my mom was a huge part of the problem. She didn't read my diary to help me, but to find out if it could be used against her and/or my biological dad. I have trust issues because of it and never forgave them for their crap.

Jen said...

AMEN SISTA! *holds up a fist in solidarity*

Mick said...

If you think your childrens diaries are too sacred to read, you might be watching them on YouTube unfold right before the next mass murder. Just sayin!

Unknown said...

I think I would leave a diary alone, as long as I saw signs that nothing was amiss in the child. I think you should be entitled to your private thoughts. But....your room? MINE kiddo. you're just occupying it until that day I can help you pack and send you off. Absolutely all items in my house are subject to search and seizure. Including your electronics. Abso-fricking-lutely.
sorry not sorry

Unknown said...

Don't you think that if they KNOW you are reading their diaries that they won't actually write things they don't want you to know? Just because they are kids doesn't mean they are stupid.

Plus you just brushing off the fact that your emails and phone calls are gone through as just something you have to accept is disturbing.

There was someone who said a true open and honest relationship would have spouses reading each others emails and having each others passwords?! NOT doing that does NOT automatically equate a bad relationship. What kind of crap is that to plant into peoples minds?

Usually your posts crack me up. This one was just irritating.

Unknown said...

This is ridiculous. Your brain is broken.

Unknown said...

I was about to disagree considering I grew up with SOME privacy as I got older and I turned out fine but however there are other people that also got extra privacy in my family and I can't say the same for them.

Really glad I read this post. I am now reconsidering how I will parent in the future if I ever become one.

No privacy!

MBournas said...

I agree with you 100%. My mom told me that she used to search my room every morning when I left for school and read all the notes my friends and I used to pass to each other. I was always required to tell them where I was going, who I was with and when I'd be back. I'm pretty sure she threatened my first boyfriend behind my back. I now am grown with 3 young boys and you better believe I will use try to stalk whatever electronic equivalent there is passing notes when they get older. Once they are adults and living on their own and I babysit their kids, I promise I won't snoop through their drawers, but as long as I'm responsible for making them good human beings, there is no privacy. Afterall, they still follow me into the bathroom to pee, I don't get privacy, why should they?

Unknown said...

receive mental help. biggest crap i have heard on theses comments is destructive parenting being called good for a child. its called an open conversation,i bet you dont know how to have one. ill pray your children are not mentally unstable because of you.

Unknown said...

you need help lady

Unknown said...

What happens when the "child" is the one making the only reasonable decisions in the house? hmm is the "child" allowed to completely disregard their parents privacy? NO they aren't. Now all of you idiotic parents who think this is okay listen up, PRIVACY IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. Say it with me this time PRIVACY IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, age has absolutely no affect on it. Now if you keep thinking along these thought lines not only will your children resent you for a very long time but they will figure out how to get around your privacy invasions and trust me they will never ever willingly trust you with anything. So if you're suspicious that your child is going through something tough you should talk to them, not completely disregard any feelings/privacy they may have. So basically STOP BEING FUCKING CREEPY TERRIBLE PARENTS AND LEARN HOW TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING AND TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN YOU WET NOODLES.

Unknown said...

"There is a reason people can't make major decisions until they're 18" now see I have a problem with this. I can understand and weigh both sides to a situation and make a logical decision without having to call my mommy and make sure I'm doing everything right. I am currently 16 but in 2 months when i turn 17 I am moving out. So yes you can make a major life decision under 18 years old. At this point right now I already have more of a career than my parents ever will. Maybe the problem here isn't the fact that all of you cannot fathom how creepy you are but that your children are valid logically thinking humans. And yes I completely understand that some of you will read this and go "oh well she's only 16 what does she know?" or "Oh she's 16 her argument is invalid" and if you do that then you are part of the problem.Children can and will make their own decisions, you should support them not disregard what they say because of their age.

Unknown said...

Either I'm missing some sarcasm here or you are not only a terrible parent but a terrible person.

Unknown said...

I don't think that you should password lock your childs ability to delete their own texts. I know from experience sometimes you don't want texts anymore because of whatever reason or ya know texts take up a lot of memory

Unknown said...

It's not "if you do snoop or if you don't snoop" its "can you find the balance"

Unknown said...


Anonymous said...


So I understand the going-through texts thing and your phone, and perhaps monitoring their emails until a certain age (say, high school); however, journals and diaries are a place for children to express themselves. Unless you think that there is a serious issue going on and have good reason to think so, I do not think that you should go through their diaries/journals. I know that I kept a diary, and I never wrote anything bad in there, but if my parents had snooped through it or read it (which they didn't), I know that I would not have been honest, felt free to express myself, or experimented with various writing styles. Also, I think that you should always tell them that you are looking through their phones, emails, et cetera, because they do have a right to know. If I had found that my parents had been reading my emails or diary entries without telling me, I would have felt violated and lost my trust in them; however, by having an open policy, I would have at least felt that they were being honest with me and genuinely felt concerned/caring towards me rather than that they were simply snooping. :)

Unknown said...

I want to punch the guy who wrote this article.

Ashley Granger said...

I too wish my mom had read some of the things I was writing. I didn't know how to ask for help and I was severely depressed and had an abusive boyfriend. Even at the time, I was wishing my parents would read my journal. Based on my experiences, if/when I have children, I will do my best to make sure they know they can talk to me about anything, and reach out to them so I know what is going on in their lives.

Ashley Granger said...

Yes. She is five. She may not understand the consequences of her mother's decision but really, what consequences are we talking about?? It was a five-year-old's thoughts about how much she loves things. People need to chill out. Do you really think this blogger would have posted pictures if there had been anything written that her daughter might have regretted later?? Is her daughter going to look back in 10 years and go "Oh my God mom, how could let people know I love things???" I can understand all the uproar if the child were older and these were private thoughts, but this is a five-year-old writing happy thoughts who gave her mother permission to let people see it. I can see the controversy surrounding the idea of reading her daughter's journal, but not all the outrage over the pictures.

Ashley Granger said...

Considering the amount of room available on today's cell phones, there isn't a huge danger of not having enough space. I don't necessarily agree with checking your children's text messages, but TNMom has a point that they can easily be deleted, and this would be a good option to have.

Ashley Granger said...

"burst your little bit of latent histrionics"?? REALLY?! I'm so glad that from her heart-wrenching story you were able to educate her on the fact that even though she was suicidal, which is a problem, and thought she would die, she wouldn't have really. Thank you so much for that science lesson, jerk. I don't now you, but I hate you right now. A lot.

Ashley Granger said...

I'm not sure checking your children's text messages and reading their diary ruins their entire adult life. I mean really, checking their facebook is "ruining their soul"? Little dramatic there.

Ashley Granger said...

But kids whose parents know nothing about their lives grow up to be perfect angels? Probably not. I think I would go on the side of caution and worry about my children having less privacy over my children doing whatever the hell they want and just assuming that their adolescent minds are making awesome decisions for themselves.

Anonymous said...

If you (a parent) monitors the child's diaries, emails etc. with the intent of preventing her/him from doing wrong, how would you define the 'doing wrong'? For example, if the child develops a hobby such as painting that the parent is not happy about, that would be considered as wrong and the consequence, disastrous
If kids think that they don't have a right to privacy but parents do they are likely to develop the notion that growing up and getting out is the ticket to limitless freedom and start working solely to earn and break free
Whether children are monitored with/without their knowledge they can/will evade when they want to. Kids grasp technology faster and once they figure it out, the same "banned " activities are likely to continue without parents knowledge
If someone wants to frame your child and posts a lewd video showing the child indulging in activities which the latter is not even aware of, and you happen to see it before the child does. How would you know how to handle the situation, an erred judgement would result in disaster. The child in such a situation would need support, not the wrath of a parent.

Ryan Spanier said...

I beg you to stop. There is no way to do what you are doing without damaging your son's sense of self worth.

While he lives with you, you have the power to check his phone. Once he moves out, you won't have the power to make him pick it up. My parents can tell you all about it.

SwiftieRED13 said...

Okay seriously? I don't even write down everything I'm going through in my diary, just in case someone could get ahold of it. I'm 16, I'm verbally abused I have Depression, self-hatred, self-harm through music, Anxiety, OCD, Paranoia, Social Anxiety and Dislexia. I've always kept that to myself and held it all inside, because I like being secretive about it. It makes me feel more brave and idependant if I can do it on my own. I understand checking their phones, and their twitter accounts, facebook you know stuff like that! Because they could be sending nudes and being little asswipes. But I don't think you should have a say on who they're talking to, UNLESS you know that person is damaging them. And, I 100% DON'T THINK, You should get a say in what they're talking about! If its not sexting, let them be! Personally my mom and I both have a dirty mind and we're VERY open about that kind of stuff so I'm allowed to make jokes with my friends about dirty stuff. Do we send pictures, sext? No we just use humor. If you were my mom, you'd probably find that unaccecptable to me its just part of growing up I mean seriously.
And honestly, not being a bitch here? But what makes you think that they don't have secret twitter accounts ect? My mom had NO clue I had a twitter account or had a youtube account I posted videos on every week. Absolutely no clue, until I told her. And now after like my whole life,, at 16 my mom and I are very close! And I do talk about my mental illness with her now, she has me on nice medication and tries to protect me from my stepdads verbal abuse. But its MY choice and MY choice alone to share that information! My diary is MY diary and she has made it very clear she won't read through it because well first of all I'm homeschooled, I mean I'm not hiding a boyfriend or sex or drugs lol AND because she knows I'm a pretty good kid and she's proud of me. Plus you don't have to watch anything you say in your diary! You don't have to hold back on cursing ect and it makes you feel so much better after a good rant. Well yesterday, my stepdad read my diary. That's just a new personal low. Now he's mad, because I called him a dick in my diary multiple times and other words that I wont type out right now haha But you know what he deserves it. He had no business reading through my diary BECAUSE IT IS MY DAMN DIARY!

LaurelMia said...

"Kids need to get away with little things so they don't feel the need to get away with big things." AMEN!

Hey I get that you want to keep your kids safe. And if your kid has done something BAD, go ahead and spy. ("BAD" = drugs, assault and battery, etc.) But keep in mind this is what abusive men do to their wives. I don't want to teach my well-behaved daughter that it's okay for people to take away her right to privacy.

One more thing, when I was a teenager, I did not want to have sex, do drugs, or inflict injury on myself. I knew there would be consequences, and they'd be bad. This was back in the 70's...teens are a whole lot smarter now! Give them a little freaking credit people. They can and do think for themselves. At least they will until you start convincing them they can't.

Anonymous said...

By your logic, If you where visiting your children when they are adults, and stayed a few nights, since you would be under their roof, you would have ZERO privacy. They would have access to your phone, computer, emails, texts, EVERYTHING.

My parents used to not let me have privacy. I just found more ways to keep secrets. I have gotten really good at it. They realized that I have a right to privacy as much as they do, so now I have pretty much all the privacy I could wish for. Their 13 year old boy (me), has not become an "entitled asshole" because of it.

Anonymous said...

You to? Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I was raised by my grandmother. If she'd read my journal, I wouldn't have had a home anymore -- she would have kicked me out for being bisexual.

Maybe you're some perfect special snowflake who would NEVER do anything to hurt your kids (hah, not likely), but not everyone is you. Kids deserve privacy.

Deanna said...

I agree with you Karisa. Monitor your child's social interactions on every platform they have a user ID but it is extremely disrespectful to read a child's personal diary. If they are acting inappropriately you will see that in emails/texts/chats/photos etc. What an invasion of privacy regardless of who's roof you live under.

Full Spectrum Mama said...

UM...is it okay to substitute "husbands" for "kids"??

Unknown said...

What does it mean if a man tells you "My daughter mistakenly sent you email while I was away and my friends were watching over her", the man said this only when or after you contacted the man (as opposed to if you had never contacted the man in the first place), and the daughter in question initiated the email correspondence she used to have with you? The facts are that you are not dangerous and you have never solicited the man's daughter for (I cannot say it). How can you legally prove the fact that you are not dangerous, that you are not a (I cannot say it), and that you are on the level? Please answer all of the questions and please reply.

Unknown said...

In the UN Convention on the rights of the child, one of the rights mentioned is the right to privacy.


See Article 16:

1. "No child shall be subjected to arbitrary or unlawfull interference with his or her privacy,family, or corresopondence, nor to unlawful attacks on his or her honor and reputation. "

2. "The child has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attempts."

Every nation in the world has ratified this, with the sole exception of the USA and Somalia. Even Iran, Syria and North Korea. Think about that!

Unknown said...

I have an idea. Why don't you just talk, really listening, with your daughter. Communicating is better than spying on your children. Don't you trust yourself as a parent? If you are doing your job, then your children will make the right choices by themselves little by little.
If you try to control everything they will just try harder to push you away. Believe me when I tell you that your daughter, one day, will do the craziest thing to hide from you.

StrangeCalibur said...

I don't know why people are one extreme or the other here, it depends on the age and how you educate your children, when they are very young encourage them to bring everything to you, as they get older give more freedom. I have problems with both arguments here, on the they have to tell me everything and let me read everything they write and do until they move out? No, parents will not be there forever, they need to learn to make decisions by themselves, as scary as this is for parents, if you do this, when your gone your child will be unable to survive in the real world. Kids don't have to tell parents anything? Well again big problem when younger as kids are impressionable, I don't think there should be anything in a child's life before teenage years that should be kept from a parent..... really 13 and up children should be taught to keep secretes responsibly. Most importantly they should feel like they can come to their parents when they mess up. If you raise someone who doesn't really understand the concept of keeping something from someone they wont be able to see it when they are being made a fool of, scams and the like. I have always known my parents are there for me, sure I didn't tell them everything when I was younger or now, but I knew they where there for me when things got bad. Personally I learnt a lot from the mistakes I made, not from the mistakes I was protected from. Yes bad things can happen but I hate to say the world is a bad place, if your children make it to 18 not really understanding this concept (Most people don't understand until it happens to them), then when your gone from their lives and something happens they will be completely unable to cope. I understand the urge to protect your children, your not wrong to want to do that, but step back and look at the bigger picture. If I died tomorrow, would my children be able to look after themselves? Or have a created a adult that will always have to rely on someone else to live their lives. I don't think this is a simple problem, every child is different and has different needs, requires different parenting and attention, but in my opinion, no problem has a black or white answer aside from "Should I buy a black car or white car".

StrangeCalibur said...

One last thing thing that is disturbing me here, parents are telling their kids they shouldn't lie and shouldn't keep things from them.....but a lot of people are posting about reading their kids diary, then advocate lying about it. Feels like "Its ok to lie to people when you have power over them".

Snow Flakes said...

There's the thing that I agree and disagree.
I am product of parents that have no respect of the privacy of their children. My father read my diary and confront me for what I write just because I write something that he disagrees with. He even punish me for what I thought in my own diary. Even there's nothing wrong what I thought (just kind of day dream about my own future). The next diary I write he even write curses word on it because he hated my thought, or my personal opinions. My mother once read my diary about how miserable I felt in this house, and crying in front of me because apparently she is hurt because I wrote that. She feel betrayed because I feel that way, not even thinking how I feel really betrayed by their doing, I have no safe place anymore to think by myself and formed my own thoughts because even my own thoughts need to be controlled.
We are family with six children and I am the eldest daughter. When I'm young we don't even have our own bedroom. Till now, the children bedrooms have no lock on it. My father busted all the key, because it is his house and we can't lock our door in HIS house. We can't have privacy.
And now, my father and mother have to deal with 3 from six of her children having mental issues. Including me. I have social anxiety and panic attack. I have even formed PTSD, but this one because of my marriage that been forced on me by them. Yet at the same time my failed marriage also because I have mental problem from the first place that been nurtured since I'm a child and having not understanding husband add on that. From the age of 11 I already have suicidal tendencies. I want to die as fast as I can, because I thought I'm no longer have any right to really live anymore. I'm afraid of my parents, I feel there's no safe place in this earth anymore and I just want to die. Right now, my social anxiety is getting worse and worse. I cut off communications with my friends (because some of them apparently reported my thoughts and my feelings that I trusted them with to my mother, who then blame me again because I said too many things to outsiders), I don't meet people most importantly people who knew me. My parents after getting advised by a therapist are now allowing me having my own bedroom and I can close the door even thought it still don't have lock. I need a safe place, the therapist said.

Snow Flakes said...

...My third younger sister has schizophrenia, formed by yearly abuse in her own house and bullying in her own school. This also because she can't and not brave enough to standing for herself and voicing her opinion because she learn she don't have that right since she is a child. The therapist said that the monster she formed in her own head keep telling her not to trust her own family, that her family is going to kill her.
My fourth younger brother becoming antisocial. Have social anxiety, the same as me. He is now like a hermit in his own bedroom and just interacting with people online, not in real life as an anonymous. Because online is the only place he can feel safe and be himself out of our parents reach. He always hid every time my parents ask him to greet relatives or guests.
The other 3 children, they don't have any problem. Because they can be brave enough to say anything and my parents don't punish them because they always saying what my parents wanted to hear. They don't like diaries, they are very social person. They are smart enough to avoid my parents eyes on them. This not mean they don't have privacy, they just smart enough to hid it from them.
We are not trusting our parents anymore. I almost got sexually abused by a teenager when I'm still 7 year old, yet till now my parents doesn't know that. Because even though I'm afraid of that predator, my parents embrace is not the place where I can feel safe.
There's the only thing that my parents are succeeded at, we are not hanging out with the wrong crowds. Because we have no friends in the first place. My parents have already open my facebook account and read every private chat I did with my parents. I delete that account, because it is better to not having it if I can't feel safe chatting in the first place. We have almost zero trust on people, so we keep them at length arms.
But even though I'm like this right now, I do agree that you as a parent have a very heavy responsibility to keep your children safe and out of problems. I actually agree that you're allowed and can read their diaries, open the lock of their drawers it is all within your authorities. But don't betray their trust. Don't tell them you found out something because you read their diaries. Let them keep the illusion of safe place they can have. Because when you said you read their diaries, you just sever the only bond of trust they have on their parents. When you find something you find concerning, be a smart parents. I think you're smart enough to sit and persuading your child to tell them their problems by their own will. If there's trust they will tell you. Sit together, hear their thoughts and concerns without blaming them, because it is normal for every human being to have their own opinions. If you disagree, have mature discussion with them. They will learn to be mature at the same time. Exchange your thoughts with each other because it's not supposed to be you (parents) vs them (children), but you and your children against the world. The world is scary place, I know that's why you are so paranoid. But the children knows that too, every time they feel like being pushed into something they feel wrong to do by their friends they want to cope to you, don't make them fear you. Embrace their insecurities. So they won't need diaries anymore. They already have you. The time when they already fear you rather than feeling safe, you already lost them.

Unknown said...

This is really shocking, why do you think your kids could kill themselves or others or post pictures of naked girls or whatever it was you were fantasizing about? If you treat them normally they will most probably turn out normally. They will have their little secrets which they are entitled to have!It seems you have a complete lack of trust. I have three teenage sons and they certainly don't tell me everything (and I don't want to know the details)... We chat alot, I basically know they are healthy, happy boys... I found your post very disconcerting, even scary.Only if I really felt something is wrong, then I would hunt for clues. But I would never make it a rule that "there is no privacy". Horrible thought.

Ladynarman said...

I disagree that this is good parenting, let alone effective. I mean i'd see it working if the child was stupid and asked their parents anything and everything, even after getting scolded and punished for it multiple times in the past. If you want to hear about what your child is doing outside of home, don't react so largely to any small little thing they do that isn't perfect. Even if your child does something slightly wrong but it's fine, just let it go. Don't try to dictate how they should live their life. Once you start doing that, if your child had any sense in their head, they wouldn't tell you ANYTHING from then on. They'd actively lie to you every step of the way. My parents were somewhat flexible. My friend's parents were the type that thought they have absolute control over their kids. So what did my friends do? They'd hide everything from them. Erase all texts as soon as they are read. Change names on address books to someone else the parents know from a long time ago. Not even have a facebook so there's no record of anything they do. Keep anything the slightest secretive at someone else's house or hidden some place else. And i mean these kids weren't doing meth. They were enjoying the occasional alcohol at small parties.
If your goal is to dictate exactly how they'll live and what they are to think and do, then you're doing it right. If your goal is to keep them safe, then you'd want them to trust you enough to call you at 3am when their friend who drives is too drunk to drive safely and they'll surely get in trouble if they're not home by a certain time.

Unknown said...

First, let me say that I'm 20, and not a parent. I think there's a middle ground to this debate. On one hand, searching your child's phone, and knowing where they are and what they're doing is reasonable. You're in charge of their safety, and you pay for that pone. ON the other hand, a diary is meant to be a safe space to mentally dump, and children should have the right to that safe space.

Unknown said...

This is frightening. Anybody who thinks that children do not have the basic human right to privacy should not have children. Its painfully obvious that this is all deeply rooted in your own lack of privacy as children and not rooted in any factual evidence that stripping children of their privacy teaches them anything, or keeps them safe in any way, shape, or form.

You absolute nutjobs are killing your children, and that's not an opinion, its fact. From a psychological perspective, humans cannot function normally without privacy. The human brain needs time to process the information it takes on a regular basis and having ‘alone time’ is a big part of that. Privacy is also important in the formation of healthy interpersonal relationships because it teaches people the importance of personal boundaries and things like consent.
Not giving any person, let alone a child, the basic human right of privacy is extremely likely to lead to disorders such as borderline personality disorder as there is no identity outside of what is externally implied on them. Its also extremely likely to lead to behavioral disorders, especially those that violate other peoples personal space. These are all proven facts.

You know who else doesn't get the right to privacy? Prison inmates. Murders, rapists, and other criminals. As a form of psychological punishment. This is why prisoners are more likely to commit sex crimes when they leave prison; because the concept of boundaries has been completely eroded.

Also, stop pretending like this has anything to do with any kind of ‘lesson’ for the real world. I don’t know what planet some of you people live on, but in the real world, there most certainly is such thing as privacy and it is expected to be respected both from a social and legal perspective.

You people are mentally ill and need to seek help, point blank period. Reading a child's dairy is not considered by any parenting professionals to be remotely healthy, and in fact, this kind of lack of boundaries is proven to cause severe psychological damage to children.

Unknown said...

Just look at some of the sick people commenting here and what their idea of 'discussion' is.

"AMEN SISTA! *holds up a fist in solidarity*"

"lol I was raised that way as well, and I am NOT from the South."

These are parents? How typical! The same people who believe their children aren't entitled to privacy are the same people still typing like preteens.

These 'parents' are completely uneducated, self-righteous tools trying desperately to justify their actions through empty fallacious arguments.

"Look! Someone else abuses their child too! And she's a New York Times best-selling author?! I must be doing everything right!"


How about learn to form a healthy interpersonal relationship with your child. Drop this silly "I'm a parent, not a pal" approach. This is the definition of extremism. Who says you can't be both?

Children base their relationship with others on their relationship with their parents. Teaching children to blindly 'respect' adults is one of the most toxic and damaging things you could ever do. This is exactly how young kids end up in abusive 'relationships' with pedophiles and predators. It's very contradictive to teach kids to respect adults while at the same time teaching them about the dangers many adults pose. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 25; you respect people who give you respect.

I sincerely believe parents, most notably mothers, who share this ideology suffer from the Jocasta Complex, which is a subconscious sexual desire for their child of the opposite sex. This is exactly why you see similarities between this type of mothering and toxic intimate relationships. The kind of toxic intimate relationships in which spouses install GPS trackers on their partner's vehicle and take part in other trust eroding practices. This is exactly why you, unfortunately, often see sexual and physical abuse coming from these 'overprotective' parents. Sometimes this even manifests in dangerous conditions like Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. A 4-year-old boy was recently murdered by his mother, who forced him to overdose on salt because she insisted he was 'sick' and that she was 'treating him'. The boy, of course, was not sick. The mother was.

Somewhere deep in their psychologically damaged heads, these people believe they are in an intimate relationship with their child! It's quite sick and it demands treatment.

Unknown said...

As another person so brilliantly pointed out, usually parents who are paranoid that their children will do something terrible if they are given basic rights and freedoms are the ones with sick fantasies and impulses themselves. If the first thing on your mind when you see your child on a computer or smartphone is them being exposed to pornography, then you have a sick mind and you are projecting your repressed fantasies onto your children.

It takes a seriously deranged person to have the need to control what type of music their kids listen to and what they write in their diary. Again, you are projecting your insecurities and fragility onto your children. Its almost like you honestly believe that if you don't read your 15-year-old daughters' diary and invade her personal, healthy sexual thoughts, that she will turn into a promiscuous 'whore' and get pregnant at a young age. Why do you believe this? Because you are a fragile person with mentally sick impulses, and you make the false assumption that your child has these same impulses.

If you're raising your children properly there is no reason them having privacy would lead to any harmful or questionable activities. The only reason you would need to practice this kind of 'smother mothering' is if you have failed to properly educate your child and have failed to instill the proper morals in them.

By the way, children can't learn consequences when they are constantly protected from being exposed to said consequences. Take Alcohol consumption as a random, hypothetical example. It is statistically proven that cultures who are more 'liberal' when it comes to the consumption of alcohol by minors have significantly lower rates of Alcoholism. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you encourage young children to consume alcohol, I'm merely pointed out one of the many examples as to why this style of hyper-controlling parenting is ineffective.

Children who have their thoughts and feelings 'repressed', especially if those thoughts and feelings are the results of natural biological occurrences, are simply far more likely to act on those feelings in potentially self-destructive manners. It's not like you can control your child 24/7 for their entire life, although many laughably think they can.

I can't help but laugh when I see parents like this who believe they are outsmarting their kids, when in fact these people are denser than lead. As someone, who like everyone else, has been a kid, I remember vividly that often times the worst behaved among my peers were those raised in strict, conservative, religious households. The most disturbing part is that the parents of these kids were often the ones who were the MOST oblivious as to what their children were actually doing.

They are all far too busy patting themselves on the back for dominating their child. Seriously, WHY is it always these psychotic nutjobs who write mommy-blogs and parenting books? Be wary of anyone who shows this much self-praise of their abilities. Very few of these people have any real educational background in human psychology and even fewer have successful children to show for their self-proclaimed 'expertise'. Being a new york times best selling author in 2018 means zip!

Twin mom said...

Did anyone notice this is from 2013? second this way of thinking is a slippery slope to terrible relationship with any children you have. As a parent our ultimate job is to teach our kids how to be self sufficient and productive. Yes they make stupid choices and do amazingly dumb things but a child's feelings are just like anyone else's. They can feel betrayed and bullied and smothered. Is that really kind of relationship you want to have? One where they either end up a future partners doormat who don't even see the boundary issues or hit 18 and you never hear from them again? There has to be a balance. Stern and yeah this house is yours and you are in charge but just cause you are the adult doesn't meant you don't make mistakes. Unless you se justifiable change in behaviors , fear drugs or abuse. It is a huge violation . You are also missing an opportunity for your child to tell you themselves. Have you met a kid that doesn't want to share at that age? Doesn't want to show you how good their letter K is coming along or latest stuffed animal they are obsessed with,ect.Truly is your choice what kind of mom to be but seeing as it is now 2018 how is this strategy working for you?

Alexei said...

parents like you are what cause children to grow up insecure, anxious, and paranoid. studies show that people like you raise better liars, and children who don't trust their parents with anything.

the way you treat your children makes it very clear that you don't view them as human beings, you see them as your property. you clearly aren't meant to be a parent.

dm718 said...

I'm sure I'm late to the party on this since I came here from TVTropes, but I need to get my view out here.

I'm a 21 year old kid raised in a Hispanic and Catholic family and household.
When I was 15 I realized I was bisexual.
Given the fact that Hispanics and Catholics don't take kindly to homosexuality, as well as my family's checkered acceptance of them (us?) in the past, I'm STILL doing everything I can to keep it from them. I've heard my family mocking queer people, telling me to stay away from them, but also keeping friendly (yet loose) terms with my cousin and her wife.

There have been a handful of occasions in which my dad nearly interrogated me Jack Bauer-style about my sexuality. Three days ago, a friend of mine got kicked out (by family!!!) for being transgender.

You say that you forbid your children to keep secrets in order to protect their safety. Which is exactly why I'm keeping this secret. I don't want to end up sleeping in my car and fending for myself and hoping that the LGBT shelters have space for me.

I'm keeping this secret so that I can be safe, and so my family can still love me.

Unknown said...

I am a workaholic, as much as I try to keep track of what is going on in my home with the kids and much more when they are at school or off on vacation, I couldn't have done with without the help of nothing short of a great friend, I am happy to share my experience with my own special Houdini that always delivers. I was able to get in touch with their organization through a blog called onlinelegitutility dot co. They have great stuff on there and you can hire a hacker through darkwebsolutions dot co.

Unknown said...

While I have no right to tell you how to raise children, I do believe that privacy was an important part of my life. Knowing my parents trusted me and saw me as a human being with boundaries just like everyone else comforted me. During my time dealing with suicidal depression, I let my parents know all that they needed to and I took comfort in the little control I had over my own life. Were it not for my sense of privacy, I'd be hanging from the ceiling of the room my brother and I used to share. I fully believe that while children definitely do NOT know everything, but it is important that we note that nobody truly does. Arrogant parents that think they are perfect are the ones that I want to punch in the throat. I have always believed that the parents' job is to teach their children right from wrong while developing their own opinions and worldviews. I know from experience that a good parent shouldn't need to sift through their child's belongings. Good parents WILL find out about the dangerous stuff without having to break their child's trust. Trust is a valuable thing to have. When someone trusts you, they are willing to ease their boundaries and become more open to you. Eventually, your children will have their own lives. you'll stop being able to fully control their actions. For the first time, they'll feel like human beings with their own free will. It's a huge gamble whether your children will respect what you told them, or finally feel "free" of your strict bounds and proceed to contradict everything they've been taught because they finally can. I've seen it all too many times. Strict parents becoming overpowered by their children's rebelliousness. Rebelliousness that we would all end up with, had our lives been decided by someone else while we were mentally developed enough to become a different person with a different view of our world. I know for a fact because I've seen it. Privacy isn't the issue, but those who lack it end up... well, the exact same way all parents worry their children will become.

Unknown said...

This is sick. I feel bad for your children. I knew mothers like you when I was a lad and their kids turned out to be socially awkward or psychotic. Children should be taught to be self reliant and critical thinkers not prisoners in their own homes. It doesn't sound like you are parenting it sounds like your are just a nosey person and a control freak. How dare you read someone's diary that so scummy.

Anonymous said...

Honestly all of you have failed completely at parenting. Privacy is a human right and if you're breaching your child's basic rights then you should seriously reconsider what you call 'parenting'. Your kids are being damaged by this and will live the rest of their lives doubting their privacy. The fact that you are resorting to this site makes me realize just how pathetic you all are.

Shadow Habaki said...

If you see nothing wrong with Kim reading her daughter's diary, then you're obviously a criminal because that IS illegal, parent or no parent .
Also since your kids have no right to their own privacy (which is a basic civil right) then I bet you also walk in on them masturbating, you pervert.
There was everything wrong with what she did, and there's everything wrong with what you do. Give up your kids to Foster care or be arrested and charged with child abuse.

Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying said...

In regards to what Shadow Habaki said"
"If you see nothing wrong with Kim reading her daughter's diary, then you're obviously a criminal because that IS illegal, parent or no parent .
Also since your kids have no right to their own privacy (which is a basic civil right) then I bet you also walk in on them masturbating, you pervert.
There was everything wrong with what she did, and there's everything wrong with what you do. Give up your kids to Foster care or be arrested and charged with child abuse."

In her book about being the mother of one of the Columbine shooters (who killed 12 students, 1 teachers, and injured 21 more), Sue Klebold frankly talks about how she wished she had looked in her son’s diary. He was a sweet, shy, good kid, so she didn’t check in. Take a peek as a temperature check of sorts, make sure all was well, keep whatever she saw to herself, and then moved on. Because if she had, she would have seen evidence that he was being influenced by a much stronger personality, this friend who had persuaded him to plan out a mass murder at his school together, then kill themselves.
A peek into his diary could have prevented 15 deaths, 21+ injuries.
Here’s the book, to better understand this perspective:

There are quite a few interesting articles in Psychology Today about how while there are things in place that assure privacy to minors, it also gives them the right to safety from violence and exploitation, which can often only be fully understood as happening or about to happen to them by an adult who can tell by looking at diaries/texts/etc. when their child is being groomed by a romantic interest, peer, or online influence to cause or become the subject of violence/exploitation. Thus, to protect the minor’s rights to this safety, it is in that child’s best interests for their parents to check in on them. Read the diaries, look under the mattress, look at their texts.

That being said, I see a lot of hurt in the comments section (both here and in the original article). Hurt people hurt people, and in this case it seems like a lot of commenters have had people use the information gleaned by a look at their private thoughts at weapons against them, not data to keep them safe. For that, I am sorry. No one deserves to be hurt like that. Being hurt like that takes a long time to recover from, and can blur the vision when reading an essay like this. It makes it almost impossible to see that most parents peek into diaries to get intel on their kids’ safety, and do not use it to hurt them. In fact, that is the normal way to use that information. Not the harmful way.

As for the comment about walking in on masturbation and being a pervert, there is a long, long leap between trying to protect one’s child from online and real-life predators (including mental distress/illness) and being the kind of person who automatically associates a child’s privacy with sexual acts such as unlocked-door masturbation.
This makes me assume two things after reading the comment a few times.
One, something awful happened to the commenter in a similar vein that they are still traumatized by, and for that I hope they get the help they deserve to recover.
Or two, they are prematurely sexualizing minors and have some deeply held belief that any adult would be attracted to that, including the parent. Again, that sounds like something that is a problem stemming from a trauma or experience I genuinely wish they would talk to a professional about, because I can promise them that most people who want their children safe and healthy—like Jen, like me—do not view familial relationships in this way. One can love without sexuality being even a flicker in the way-backs of their mind, as most of us parents do.

Anonymous said...

Hello! I am just here to warn you: I was raised with very little privacy. At 12 I was spending my days in a cardboard box because its the only place I could 'close the door'. At 13 my mom went through my diary. Fast-forward me at 16: I now moved out of the house. I couldn't take it. Fast-forward me from 16 to 24: I was doing drugs every week. Not saying it's my dear mom's fault, but she had made me miserable and the contrast with the freedom I now had made it that I engaged in tons of questionable activities. I was still a very sad person. I keep everyone away because my boundaries had been stepped over for so long that I can't tolerate anyone now. So give your little girl a breather. Have trust in her judgement. Supervise but don't police her. And I agree with the other comments : perhaps you are the one who needs help. My mom was diagnosed with delusional paranoia and depression. Just saying.

Shadow Habaki said...

No right to privacy means watching them shower and get dressed, sleep, or look at "hornonal stuff". I'm glad my parents let me have privacy .As for you? You sound like a creepy stalker. Diary invasion is illegal and you can actually face state prison time .

Anonymous said...

I am writing to you as a person whose parents had the habit, and still have now that I am 26, of going trough my things, my text messages, my emails, everything. And this made me lie, because anything I would do was checked on, evry single step I took was under this Big Brother eye, and discussed when observed-why did you say you like this item of clothing ? It's awful. Why are you reading that book ? I was not aware of it. Bare in mind it was nothing bad, it was Lord ofthe Rings. This no boundaries, parents going trough my things and conversations as I grew older, made me lose completely any trust I had in them. I never watched porn, drugs, smoked, i got a bit drunk once as a 21 years old and never will do it again, and for years I got absolutely no right to privacy or trust, because I was only a kid. This caused me anxiety, I am currently in treatment. And estranged from both my parents. Kids need boundaries, but they need trust, and going trough their computers and raging at things, unless very critical, is so harmful. Really. I hope your kids don't end up like me, in therapy and with problems like mine.

Anonymous said...

Some of these I think are overboard, but it's important to know what's happening. Online fandom communities are full of creeps grooming kids, for example.

Anonymous said...

Let me start by saying that this is neither a judgement of your parenting, nor a situation which should be applied or even considered for anyone else's kids. I do not believe that I have the right to pass judgement on anyone else's parenting style, and doubt anyone would care about my opinion on the matter anyway. This is purely my experience with well meaning, but controlling parents.

My parents had a similar philosophy regarding my right to privacy, or lack thereof. It never occurred to me that I should have such a right, until I hit my early teens. I became desperate for freedom. My parents' strict involvement in every aspect of my life made me feel like I had not earned their trust. I was a straight A students, taking college level classes, never missed a day of work, and had no discipline issues in the home or at school. I deserved to feel like they trusted me, I had earned it, but felt like I had no control over my own life.

Because I was convinced that I had not and would never earn my parents trust, I gradually lost my trust in them. By the time I was a junior in high-school, I had become sullen, withdrawn, and secretive. My parents didn't know I had a boyfriend. Knew about only two of my friends, and didn't know that I was viciously bullied at school. We were strangers to one another. I hid everything, refused to share anything about my hopes, dreams, worries, etc.

My first suicide attempt occurred when I was 16. I took 900 Tylenol PM. The pills irritated my stomach and I vomited sand and pill casings for two days. Somehow I convinced my parents that I just had the flu. I was cutting myself, and have scars on my thighs and stomach, that will be with me for the rest of my life. Self-harm became the only aspect of my life, where I felt like I had any control. About 6 months later, I tried again, this time, I overdosed on Percocet, which I had gotten from one of my friends. I wasn't successful, could not really tell you why. My parents still don't know about these attempts, and I'm in my 20s now.

I still do not confide in my parents. I keep them at arm's length, and never give up or share control over any aspect of my life. I do not ask their opinion, and only superficially disclose details of my life.

You might not believe that your children have a right to privacy, but they definitely believe that they do. Giving a child privacy, autonomy and the opportunity to make mistakes or poor decisions, is how they learn to function as adults. Privacy is obviously not an absolute right. Kids should be allowed a certain amount of autonomy which needs to reflect their level of maturity, and demonstrated trustworthiness. I don't see an issue, for example, with reading a five year old's journal. I would argue that doing this with a trustworthy teenager exceeds reasonable boundaries.

If kids don't feel like they have earned their parents' trust, then they will respond accordingly. Some will rebell by blatantly flouting their parent' rules and limitations. Some will simple hide the information they do not wish to share. If you read their journal, they will simply stop writing in it, switch to a different medium, or hide their journal from you. There are tons of Apps which hide text messages and pictures, or disguise contacts. These Apps were created because kids are determined to maintain their privacy at all costs.

I am not suggesting that reading a child's diary will lead them to consider suicide. But I do think that snooping and rigorous denial of all privacy may permanently alter or destroy that intimate trust based relationship you share with your kids.

Anonymous said...

Let me start by saying that this is neither a judgement of your parenting, nor a situation which should be applied or even considered for anyone else's kids. I do not believe that I have the right to pass judgement on anyone else's parenting style, and doubt anyone would care about my opinion on the matter anyway. This is purely my experience with well meaning, but controlling parents.

My parents had a similar philosophy regarding my right to privacy, or lack thereof. It never occurred to me that I should have such a right, until I hit my early teens. I became desperate for freedom. My parents' strict involvement in every aspect of my life made me feel like I had not earned their trust. I was a straight A students, taking college level classes, never missed a day of work, and had no discipline issues in the home or at school. I deserved to feel like they trusted me, I had earned it, but felt like I had no control over my own life.

Because I was convinced that I had not and would never earn my parents trust, I gradually lost my trust in them. By the time I was a junior in high-school, I had become sullen, withdrawn, and secretive. My parents didn't know I had a boyfriend. Knew about only two of my friends, and didn't know that I was viciously bullied at school. We were strangers to one another. I hid everything, refused to share anything about my hopes, dreams, worries, etc.

My first suicide attempt occurred when I was 16. I took 900 Tylenol PM. The pills irritated my stomach and I vomited sand and pill casings for two days. Somehow I convinced my parents that I just had the flu. I was cutting myself, and have scars on my thighs and stomach, that will be with me for the rest of my life. Self-harm became the only aspect of my life, where I felt like I had any control. About 6 months later, I tried again, this time, I overdosed on Percocet, which I had gotten from one of my friends. I wasn't successful, could not really tell you why. My parents still don't know about these attempts, and I'm in my 20s now.

I still do not confide in my parents. I keep them at arm's length, and never give up or share control over any aspect of my life. I do not ask their opinion, and only superficially disclose details of my life.

You might not believe that your children have a right to privacy, but they definitely believe that they do. Giving a child privacy, autonomy and the opportunity to make mistakes or poor decisions, is how they learn to function as adults. Privacy is obviously not an absolute right. Kids should be allowed a certain amount of autonomy which needs to reflect their level of maturity, and demonstrated trustworthiness. I don't see an issue, for example, with reading a five year old's journal. I would argue that doing this with a trustworthy teenager exceeds reasonable boundaries.

If kids don't feel like they have earned their parents' trust, then they will respond accordingly. Some will rebell by blatantly flouting their parent' rules and limitations. Some will simple hide the information they do not wish to share. If you read their journal, they will simply stop writing in it, switch to a different medium, or hide their journal from you. There are tons of Apps which hide text messages and pictures, or disguise contacts. These Apps were created because kids are determined to maintain their privacy at all costs.

I am not suggesting that reading a child's diary will lead them to consider suicide. But I do think that snooping and rigorous denial of all privacy may permanently alter or destroy that intimate trust based relationship you share with your kids.

Anonymous said...

It shouldn't you fucking shithead, im 37 years old and my parents still hover by my house and call it every 7 hours or somewhat its annoying as fuck who ever agrees with this article should be ashamed and guilty of manipulation of kids, humans have rights and privacy is one of them,

Anonymous said...

Your brainwashed

Anonymous said...

I am speaking from the point of view of the child here. I completely understand all that you've said but my mother looks through my phone and my room and my old diary. She is like you and believes that privacy for children is unnecessary. However I speak for many children who's parents dont give them privacy when I say, it makes us feel as if we can't trust you. When you look through our things it's as if you don't respect us or trust us to tell you something when we are ready. It makes us not want to talk to you or tell you anything because we're afraid you'll freak out over it. My mother does that and it's the readon I never tell her anything. She freaks out over the smallest of thing so I never want to tell her anything because I know she'll have a seizure. All I'm saying is; privacy but in moderation. Don't look through things unless you have reason.

Iris said...

The problem isn't just my mother, who constantly invades my privacy, it's also my brother who goes through all of my things and reads all the personal things I write. Then when he comments on it, my mom wants to know exactly what he's talking about. I'm the kind of person that almost goes mad if I forget an important event, so I like to write it down. But now I won't, because I know it will be read and spat back out to me. I feel violated, and even if I wrote something years ago, it still hurts to know that my personal thoughts and actions have been put on display.
I also learned my mother is reading my text messages. She thinks it's "cute". I don't care WHAT she thinks it is, because now I don't feel like I can be myself. I can't express myself to my few friends the way I want to, because it will be read and recited back to me. I can't stand it.
Now, instead of writing it out (at the VERY least), I simply bottle it up because I don't feel like I can write it down anywhere to sort it out later. It just stays inside me...waiting to explode one day because I wasn't afforded that one diary that nobody is allowed to touch, that one book that nobody can read, that one place where I can feel safe and alone with my thoughts.

Another problem is the lack of room to be alone. I share with my room with two boys, me being the only girl. I'm a teenager, and I still can't see how this is fair to me. All the education they give you in school about you changing and developing say that you NEED MORE SPACE, not LESS.
If I want to cry because I'm just hurt or I'm having a bad day, NOPE. There's nowhere for me to let my feelings out and wake up the next day feeling better. No, it'll be me silently trying to cry freely while not waking anybody up. (Impossible)
Some time ago, I learned my brother had read a personal thought notebook from some years ago. My mother walked by as he said I did something bad.
Now, I didn't do anything bad, but my mother held me down and made my brother SAY it OUT LOUD. Is this the kind of parenting you want? To have your child feel humiliated and betrayed? I got so mad that day that I just left home. I "went for a walk". In the cold rain.
Did it change anything? I finally got to cry. I finally got some space to myself. The one thing was that I couldn't text any of my friends to talk to because guess what? My texts were being read.

So this is what your parenting will drive kids to do. Not write at home from the comfort and safety of their home, but post things anonymously on blogs to get things off their chest. I feel like I can never have anything personal in this house again, or I'll just have it thrown back at me later.
Sorry for the long post, I'm angry that people like you exist and support your little circle of not allowing any personal thoughts or emotions.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I hope you really rethink your life choices since being an adult doesn't automatically mean you have everything figured out. I'll tell you a story of a childhood friend. She wasn't allowed any privacy when growing up. Her phone was constantly checked, her parents wouldn't allow her to leave her room door closed, and they would always come in and see what she was doing on her computer. And you know what she did? She lied. She lied and lied and to this day she continues to lie to her parents, because she doesn't trust them. She could very well be a compulsive liar, because she has lied to me and other friends. All of this because her parents don't understand boundaries. Would you want your kids to be compulsive liars?

Then my personal story comes in. I was allowed a little bit more privacy than her, but still, my parents wouldn't allow me to have a closed door and would demand to see drawings and stories I've made. I have written thousands upon thousands of stories that I hide in the deepest folders of my computer, because I was afraid (yes, AFRAID) of my parents judging them. Those stories will never reach the public eye, all because I'm extremely nervous about people looking at something I created. Obviously, I also have severe trust issues, anxiety, and depression, but I've never kept a diary, because I was afraid of my parents reading through something of my own. This includes drawings, co

Let me rephrase that. I do have a diary. In my mind. Would you suggest someone to invent a mind reader so all parents automatically know exactly what their kids think? That would be a living hell.

I agree though, children shouldn't be given so much freedom. But teenagers? They aren't adults but they aren't naive kids either. And you know what? The majority of teenagers lie to their parents to PROTECT that privacy. If you show them that you are worthy of their trust and that you deeply care about their wellbeing, then allow them to trust you by trusting them. You are afraid that your kids might turn out to be rapists when they grow up? Then teach them to not be rapists! You won't be able to control them when they are adults, and do you seriously think reading their messages will fix anything? Wouldn't it actually be better to have them trust you? Do you seriously see no benefits from your kid's trust?

All in all your mentality is... toxic to say the least. And the fact that you don't care if you're called a horrible mother says a lot about you as a person. As a final note, for the sake of your children and not your own ego, please ask yourself: is it worth causing your kids so much discomfort, possible depression, anxiety and trust issues, only to prevent something that it's extremely unlikely to happen if you raise your kids well?

Anonymous said...

That being said it's disturbing to see how many parents actually agree with you, despite the fact that most of the kids that were raised this way, and are now adults, are sharing how damaging this could be. And you guys still don't care. Because "I'm the adult and kids lie all the time and I wanna protect them". Likely also from confirmation bias, because all parents agree with you so, if a random stranger on the internet said it, it's probably true.

It's incredibly selfish. When you're gone, your kids won't have you to guide them every step of the way, how will they manage if they are never taught to make choices? I'll thank my parents for not allowing me some privacy, causing me to be a vitually useless adult who has gone all her life to therapy due to the problems they caused.

Unknown said...

How do you expect your children to learn to set safe and appropriate boundaries with others when their boundaries have never been respected in the home. This is a struggle for so many women at every age, to feel entitled to deliberately violate and betray your children’s trust and boundaries is setting them up for victimhood. Sending the message that others have a right to violate what they hold most sacred and they have no say in it is a set up for offenders...bless your daughter’s, they will need it 🙏🏼❤️

Anonymous said...

I would be very careful with this sort of approach to parenting. My cousin's mother did this with her daughter and the girl went completely mute. It started in 2010 and is still on-going. She still does her little hobbies and gardens, still gets good grades in school and goes to church, but she won't speak. Not a word to anyone. Not even on the phone her mom bought her in hopes she'll communicate via text. No notes, no letters. Nothing. Just expressions.

Like her folks, I suspected it was a silent rebellion, she would snap out of it if they punished her. They refused to let her out of the house, refused to let go to vacation Bible school or go out to the movies. Nothing. They treated the opposite, went on a road trip to her favorite park, took to the mall and offered to buy her anything. Still nothing. She walked out empty handed. Personally I think it goes much deeper than teenage rebellion. This is something else entirely. They took her to therapy in 2011, but no luck. The doctor's worst fear is that if she goes without speech for too long, she might lose her ability to talk. That part of the brain shuts off after awhile. He explained this to her. She didn't seem to react to it. Maybe she had already lost that ability and saw no reason to try anymore. They put her on anti-depressants, but there hasn't been any improvement.

My other relatives haven't been very sympathetic, they even go as far as telling my aunt to kick her out of the house and let her fend for herself, that will force her to talk. I don't think they realize that this isn't rebellion, it's a disability caused by trauma. Kicking her out, I feel, will actually make it worse and destroy whatever's left of her trust in her parents. The root of the issue is trust. Even if the parents had good intentions and she was a good girl with nothing to hide, it might have been the very idea that her parents supposedly didn't trust her enough to give her privacy.

My aunt regrets ever opening her daughter's diary and snooping through her short stories and internet history. As a mother she was happy to know her daughter was fine and wasn't getting in trouble, but had no idea her actions would cause this sort of tragedy. She's tried to make it up to her, apologized. Doesn't change a thing. My aunt seems to be going through a depression herself now, the father's been working a lot and barely comes home. I think he's taken it the hardest because he and his daughter were very close at one time, she'd always look forward to talking to him about something Biblically. I don't think he can stand the silence anymore and has expressed that they have 'broken their little girl'.

As parents, we do need to acknowledge that to a child, we're their source of unconditional love and support, and while some kids can handle having limited privacy, some kids can't and will cope with the emotional/mental 'attack' of their privacy in extreme, maladaptive ways. We just never know how our actions, as good as they can be, will affect our kids.

Becky turner said...

Nice to be visiting your blog again. it has been months for me. Well this article that i've been waited for so long. I need this article to complete my assignment in the college. and it has same topic with your article. Thanks. great share.
Four year old

Anonymous said...

This is the type of parenting that made me finally move away from my parents when I was 18. I had never done anything that I knew underaged kids should be doing. I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 18 because my parents were completely unreasonable and invaded my privacy. It was a nightmare and I became very anxious bring around them. I knew that I didn't need to be doing bad things in order to have fun as a teen-ager. I am 28 and I don't regret moving away as soon as I could from my parents. I understand that parents should be parents, but there are kids out there who become anxious and afraid just to have conversations with people because they had parents like this. This is exactly what happened to me. I grew up I became an adult with a job and 0 driving tickets. I knew how to follow rules and be a good kid, but growing up with them made me so afraid to be happy and have conversations with friends on the phone, even though we knew not to say bad things, no matter what I did my parents would be hiding behind my door listening to my conversations, even if they were as innocent as asking for help with school. They completely breathed down my neck. Their idea of kids not needing privacy made me shy and afraid to even make new friends at school.

Anonymous said...

Reading this makes me want to punch you in the throat like the website is called. This is coming from a family who didn't respect my space or privacy as a person. It fucked me up. You're a selfish entitled asshole who is going to fuck their children up.

tyrone8934 said...

"Why do we think that children deserve privacy?"

Because they're human beings, you dolt.

"Only entitled assholes demand a right to privacy."

Correction: Only people with self respect and a sense of boundaries demand privacy. You obviously have neither, you worthless piece of trash.

"Not even adults have complete freedom. I know I've had to pee in many a cup to get a job and I know that my emails were read and my phone conversations were monitored. That's just life."

Ah, yes, the old appeal to popularity. "That's how it is. Therefore, that's how it should be." If everyone had your stupid-ass mindset, no improvement would ever be made to anything.

"I'm not saying that every kid who is allowed privacy is going to be a rapist or an asshole, but your chances are pretty high."

Citation needed, jackass. -_-

"Kids make dumb choices. They are not equipped to think about consequences."

So teach them to think of consequences. If your kids can't make good decisions without you hovering over them 24/7, then you've already failed.

PS: You are more disgusting than a rotting corpse. You're so fat; a bull elephant would be attracted to you.

Anonymous said...

NO! I was absolutely humiliated when my mom read my diary when I was about 11. Around then I was coming out about my sexuality which my diary contained was information about. It was a horrible experience to be forced into telling someone something because they read your diary. It made feel unsafe, and like I had no rights or any freedom to express my feelings with anyone other than my parents. Do not read your children’s diaries for it may make them uncomfortable or make them feel humiliated. I respect your decision on the phone, and emails. But diaries with PERSONAL information that your child may be unready to talk about. Respect their privacy when it comes to diaries, journals, or notebooks.

maryam said...

I read your blog it's very inspirational and favorable for grooms here I have Best Wedding Photography Servicemake your event great with them.

Anonymous said...

Might be a silly comment but how are you guys getting access to these diaries

Anonymous said...

Ugh, we all have regrets. IT might work in some cases if a child feels if only my parents had snooped and done everything to find out about me. However, the lack of boundaries, the total lack of privacy and My house my rules are absolute. Not to mention none of your stuff is yours.

Lack of boundaries lead to very unhealthy relationships, big mass murders typically only occur with the young (under 30) but a father or mother can murder/suicide their entire family. Lack of boundaries is very bad for raising kids and the health of any relationship.

Lack of privacy. Well we all discriminate we all have things we don't want everyone to know. Yes, violations happen. They need to be taught to be social and interact, as well as to have privacy. Too far in any direction is extremely destructive.

My house my rules are absolute, ok that can only apply to one person. What if your kid picks that up and tries to apply to their spouse. The spouse depending on who they are will either put up with the abuse, or fight back for a bit and immediately ask for a divorce.

The mentality of since you didn't pay for it yourself none of this stuff belongs to you. Well if we took that to the extreme. Every parent would be in their right to kick their kid to the curb on the 18th birthday completely nude. They wouldn't own their clothing. Anything. They would have to go a homeless shelter and ask for government assistance/charity.

Anonymous said...

if i was your child i's lose all your trust. I'm a very private teen but that doesn't mean that i do bad stuff. Privaty is one of the most important things for me so if someone just takes it away i'll definitly just stop talking to you. My parents are also like this and it only made me paranoid, sneaky and rebellious which is not what you want i guess. don't forget that your kids also human and not your possesion. if your kids haven't done much to betray your trust you'll need to give them privaty. This kind of parenting sounds kinda toxic and i wouldn't be able to live with someone like you.

Anonymous said...

Just one example of a study.
Teaching your kids they don’t have a right to privacy can lead to sexual assault being tolerated because the kids never learned healthy boundaries. Parents are suppose to respect children as future adults and people. Feeling you have a right to control your child means you don’t see them as a human being but as property that is smaller / weaker than you that you are allowed to bully. It’s not healthy, I’m sorry you feel you need to control your children to be able to trust them. Controlling behaviors in parents are linked to children being my secretive and lying more, so your techniques are likely why your children lie. They cannot trust you, and so you won’t be able to trust them. Sorry you feel so helpless you need to exert excessive control over others who are helpless.

Evie said...

Would you feel the same now if your mother demanded to snoop around your adult bedroom? What if she found that sex toy you keep hidden? Would it just be an, "Oh well," kind of moment for you that you're going to brush off? Sounds just like my parents, who had some very severe trust and control issues.

Sponchi said...

I am honestly disgusted by all you ignorant parents and feeling sorry for your children. All of you here are examples of helicopter parents

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with one word you said. kids deserve some privacy because some kids think if you search their stuff that you don't trust them at all which leads them to believe they have to try harder but they and up like bigger fools of themselves and if they don't have privacy why do we? why don't we share things like fights between parents and things of such? Because we are older? That doesn't mean anything. if they were born in America they are citizens if they were born in Russia they're citizens. I never knew there is an age restriction in citizenship if you were born in that country. That means they have rights just like us.

Jonah Pham said...

I don't agree with one word you said. kids deserve some privacy because some kids think if you search their stuff that you don't trust them at all which leads them to believe they have to try harder but they and up like bigger fools of themselves and if they don't have privacy why do we? why don't we share things like fights between parents and things of such? Because we are older? That doesn't mean anything. if they were born in America they are citizens if they were born in Russia they're citizens. I never knew there is an age restriction in citizenship if you were born in that country. That means they have rights just like us. and I read that some kids who don't have privacy end up reliant on their parents to support them. Think about that.

Anonymous said...

Everyone raises their kids differently. No one is perfect and humans make mistakes. But please remember that kids are people too! They deserve the same respect! Violating their privacy will just cause more issues. If you are going to do anything that you wouldn't want done to yourself then tell them or don't do it.

Anonymous said...

Oh My God am I glad to see a few sane people on this comment thread.
I can see the future of the writer of this post and all the 'parents' who agree with her. Overreacting everytime they see or read something they don't like and then crying and wailing about not having a connection with their kids because their children never tell them anything. Because eventually the child will stop seeing them as parents but just annoying roommates who happen to provide for them. Then the kids become of age and move out and they never hear from them again and end up all lonely and sad.
Also the phrase "Big mother is watching" is very very creepy. Also strict parents raise sneaky kids. Period.

Anonymous said...

Reading a child's diary is the worst parenting no matter how old they are! Every person is entitled to privacy no matter how closely related to them you are. Your children are their own people and deserve to share what they are comfortable with sharing. If you have not created an environment where they feel safe to share those things with you, then shame on you. That doesn't entitle you to take away their privacy.

Unknown said...

As a sixteen year old I hakf agree with whast you say bc chikdren nowadays are out of control. But sometimes parents being to controlling can lead to the opposite of what they wanted. My friend has extremely strict parents and they never let her or her borther out of the house or even get a girlfriend. Basically thay had no privacy but when her brither turned 23 he decided to go agaiants their parents anyway and now.he goes drinking at the nughtclub almost everyday and he has many girlfriends. I bet his parents must be dissapointed but its bc they never really let him taste any freedom since young so hes out of control now.

Sheesh said...

Wow. No.no no no. That’s exactly how you get your kids NOT to trust you and to rebel and do the opposite of what you want. Yikes. The kids I grew up with who had parents like that were the craziest ones, they were always the drunks and druggies. Maybe having conversations with your kids about sensitive, hard subjects when they’re young will make it easier to talk to you when they get older. It’s all about communication, not violating someone’s privacy and trust. Things like that stick with you and carry over into adulthood.

Anonymous said...

Actually, she has complete rights to say anything she wants to anyone that posts in an online forum, including your mother. That is how the internet works. If you and your mother can not handle someone online disagreeing, maybe you can not handle going online?

Anonymous said...

When I was about 10, I decided to finally start keeping a diary(when I was younger it never interested me). I discovered that my parents read it, when my dad publically mocked me for a silly crush I had. I stopped trusting him completely, and the trust with my mother was harmed too. I'm 17 now, about to graduate. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs. I've never snuck out or had sex. Not because my parents scared me out of it, but because I was a good kid and I never wanted to do anything to jeopardize my promising future. The only times I have felt tempted to sneak out? When I was angry at my parents for never trusting me and never giving me privacy. I felt the want to spitefully be rebellious, even though it's just not naturally in my personality. My mother and I are a lot closer now, and I do feel like she and I have more of a friendship than we ever previously had, and that means I feel more comfortable talking to her. Things are still rocky with my dad(mostly because he is very "I'm the parent, I can do whatever I want without explaining" which, he is technically right in, but it made me feel belittled, untrusted, and resentful. I'm a very reason oriented person so knowing reasons is one of the only ways I can make sense of things). I believe my strict childhood hurt my self esteem. I was made to feel guilty when I was not. I was laughed at, for having emotions. Recently my father walked in on me masturbating, because we have a no lock policy and he refuses to knock. He did not apologize. Checking social media and text is understandable. More than understandable. But there is such a thing as too "protective". There is a difference between protective and controlling. Many of you mentioned checked the writing of your children, to see if they are maybe depressed. I self harmed for five years(ages 11-16) and they never knew. Why? Because I learned to hide my emotions from them. They didn't trust me=I didn't trust them. Some of you commenters are overbearing, from a child raised in that style. Moderation is key, and explaining to your kids why you do the things that you do will help a lot. Explaining why what your doing is good for them and not just "because I said so". And if you can't come up with a good reason to tell them, maybe you actually don't have a reason to do it

Anonymous said...

This is wrong. Completely wrong. Don't you realise that not only you are violating your children's right to privacy, you are disrespecting them as well? A diary is something that is completely personal. Yes you may be concerned about something that may be going on, but if you are really concerned, then how about you talk to them in person? Privacy is important to teens; this is a time where they are becoming independent - by constantly going through their things, you are slowing this down. I know that you want to keep your children safe, but the best way to do it is talk to them. If you keep on searching through their emails, texts etc, they will stray further away from you. They absolutely deserve privacy, it is their right and they will live in uncertainty if you continue to do this. They will feel the need to ask you for your permission to do things at the age of 25 for example. Just accept the fact that they are going to grow up and that there will be the time where you can't control them anymore.

Anonymous said...

I completely disagree with you. Privacy is actually a human right. Don't believe me? Look at Article 12 of the UNDHR (That is - the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights.
No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.

It is also listed under Article 16 of the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child (CROC) stating " . No child shall be subjected to arbitrary or unlawful interference with his or her privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to unlawful attacks on his or her honour and reputation."Teenagers NEED privacy, it is a time where they are learning more about themselves! Going through their diaries and things will only make things WORSE, your kids won't feel comfortable around you since you are snooping around. As they say, Strict Parents create sneaky children. A diary is completely private, with the innermost feelings recorded. It is completely personal and nobody, even worrying parents should have the right to read it. If you are really worried, then why don't you just take the time to TALK to your children and see if their upset about anything or if theirs anything is going wrong. if you continue to invade their privacy, you will lose their trust. So think about it.

cimarock said...

I completely agree, no privacy until your child is an adult. My daughter who's now 28, had MySpace and I don't remember the other social media when she was about 14 or 15, but I had her passwords or she didn't have accounts. Yes, it's to know what's going on in your child's life, but it's also to protect them. At that age, they are so impressionable, and easily misguided, it's scary. I would check my daughter's "friend" list and go through it one by one. One day, I came across a guy I'd never heard of before, so I asked her, where do you know him from. "Oh he requested to be friends and was cute, so I said ok." Bells started ringing. So I go into this turd's site and find out it's a brand new account, only about 25 friends. Each and every friend was about my daughter's age. All little girls and he listed his age, if I remember right, mid to late 20's. This twit was trolling for, in my opinion a victim. That's my main reason for "invading" my daughter's privacy. If that makes me a terrible mother, then give me the worst mom of the year award! This is about keeping your children safe, from others and themselves! Period.
After several years of learning, lessons, talks, examples and her showing good judgment on her social media, when she turned 18, I told her she could change her password and keep it private.
It's not about invading your child's privacy, it's about keeping them safe and teaching them how to stay safe. They will understand. My son is going through it now and he understands.

cimarock said...

Apparently the only things that came out of your dad's trying to protect you, was you used your parents against each other and became a master manipulator. Congrats on your success.

Garrett J said...

You are a great mother keep up the good work. Just to give the ones who think their kids diaries should be sacred think about this. What if your child was suicidal or thinking of shooting up a school and was putting it all down in a diary. How sacred would that be if they carried through with their plans and how would you feel when you read about it in their diary after they had acted. Get real and be a parent not a friend. You become friends with your children after they are grown and out of your house.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you. I have seen some adults say that they they can't imagine if their parents had read their journal or diary and my response to that would be, "when were you a kid". I can say when I was a kid my parents didn't worry about what I may or may not have been writing but it was a different time. When I was in school we respected our parents, our friends parents, our teachers and any other adult around us. I would have never talked to my parents or any other adult the way so many kids do not. Growing up all the adults in my life, no matter if they were friend or family, watched out for each others kids and we knew that if we were misbehaving or acting foolish that it would get back to our parents and there would be consequences (and we knew what they were and avoided them at all cost). We didn't have home computers, cell phones and all of the other gadgets that are being used to tempt our kids and assist with the mischief that they are causing or getting in to. If i wrote something in my diary when I was younger thats where it stayed, not in cyber world to be passed around. Kids these days have no clue the damage that they can and do cause and if they do most of them just don't care because they are self centered, entitled, moral-less, disrespectful jerks. Times have changed so much that no one wants to tell their kids no, punish them, paddle them or anything else. I know i know, paddle your child? WHAT? Well save your nasty responses for someone else because I will tell you what I was brought up in a house where paddling was a thing, and all of my friends and families did too, and I can't count one of them that acted like kids do now. To do some of the things that kids do now would have NEVER crossed my mind because there was a respected amount of fear that me and my friends had for our parents and other adults. I'm not saying that paddling is the answer or that it is the go to, I believe the punishment should fit the "crime" but something needs to be done because it more than obvious that what has been being done over the last 20, or so years, is not working and things are getting worse and worse. Bullying is out of control, suicide is out of control and behavior in general is out of control. It scares me every day when I have to send my daughter off to school and terrifies me even more when I think about how much worse it's going to get by the time my grandkids are teenagers. Its a sad state of affairs that things have come too and are heading for.

Unknown said...

You don't need to know your child's every thought and action. You're making them susceptible to blind authoritarianism and violations of privacy as an adult, and setting them up to invade the privacy of others. It won't be hard for them to reason that their spouse should be able to read their messages and diary, and vice versa, because you're teaching them that trust isn't real or necessary. It won't be hard for them to accept a government that spies on them and violates the 4th amendment. The way people think and behave don't magically change when they turn 18. They have to start practicing how they will be as adults here and now so that someday they will actually be good at it.

Kids mess up. Those childhood screwups have much lesser consequences than the same actions taken as an adult. Kids NEED to mess up. They need to face consequences. They need to learn that it's usually not the end of the world but they do have to take responsibility and make amends. They need to learn to behave when they think no one is watching and no one will find out, not because someone told them to, but because they have a well-developed sense of ethics and justice.

Privacy isn't merely a basic human right, it's a fundamental psychological need. Taking away privacy is treating children the same way we treat convicted felons currently in prison. "Trust but verify," was first said by the USSR, not Nixon... and as it turns out, neither was very good. That's the world you are subjecting your children to, and as a result, training them to be adults in.

I understand why you want to hold your kids tight and I don't think you're a monster, but I do think you're putting your own emotional needs above your kids' and making a mistake.

louiseculmer said...

I would never dream of opening a book that someone had locked, regardless of who it belonged to. But I think things are different here in the Uk than in America. I mean, I never had to pee in a cup to get a job (what sort of job requires that I wonder?). And I wouldn’t have a clue how to get into my children’s phones or computers, I can barely manage to get into my own. But then if they know you are going to be snooping around reading their stuff they probably won’t put anything worth reading there anyway. or, if they have any sense of humour, they will rite very lurid surf just to wind you up. That’s what I would do.

Anonymous said...

I am a 17 year old teenager curious in the world of discussion about parents regarding teenagers privacy. I do believe that privacy is a fundamental human right, and that all humans adult and kids alike deserve privacy.
I do understand that especially younger kids need a parent there to take care of them, check up on them, keep them in check and so on.
I understand that if a teenager has done something incriminating (like say hid a beer bottle under their bed) that the trust in place would be broken and a parent would want to search through their room to see if there is anything else they are hiding, and anything else they are worried about.
But if the child in question has done nothing to warrant such concern why violate their privacy?
I grew up in a clearly broke home. Parents divorced because my dad got another women pregnant. We had to move in with my grandma.
I fell into a deep depression. When my mom began to realize this she would consistently search through all of my texts, and anything through my phone to incriminate me of being depressed. I had tried to speak with her about this issue, but due to our personal situation it just wasn’t a possibility to me. When she did find anything about me feeling depressed or negative, she would shut down. Ignore me, be non responsive, etc.
this only made me hide things more. This only made me more “creative” in hiding things. I would regularly delete texts in a way you would never know any were missing. As well as anything incriminating on my phone. I learned not to trust my parents at all, with anything. I still don’t to this day because of that.
Since I felt like I couldn’t talk to any of my friends without my parents going through my phone and finding a problem, I became even more isolated and withdrawn. It ended with me almost killing myself in the bathroom.
What I’m trying to get at here is, it you’re kid is dealing with a problem, you need to talk to them about it. If you need to do a security check around their room, do that. But if you continuously violate their privacy they will loose all trust in you, and that is not doing them a favor. It almost ended with me dead, and to this day I have extreme trust issues. Think about what you’re saying and what you’re violating.

Anonymous said...

I’m sorry but this is honestly horrible. You’re teaching your kid to distrust you, and to hide things from you. If you’re daughter has done nothing wrong why are you violating her privacy?

Anonymous said...

As a teenager who suffers from depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (as well as a number of other mental illnesses) reading this blog post makes me more suicidal than ever.

Anonymous said...

As a 17 year old teenager I cant agree with you more. You put it really excellently. Thank you����

Anonymous said...

I can agree with you that the original commenter May be being a bit dramatic, but I will say that the point that doing this will ruin their development, ruin their trust, and more is very real. It happened to me and many of my friends.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful comment!!!

lifehacks.jpg said...

Hi, I am a 14-year-old boy and I would like to comment on the fact that, if your son/daughter is in high school, then you don't know everything about them and what they are doing, even if you read all of their text messages and social media posts. In fact, you are most likely destroying your bond with your child if you do that because of things that they don't want you to see yet you forcefully make them show you EVERYTHING. I am currently depressed and have major anger issues because of this. You are not being a good parent because you monitor everything, you instead need to notice what they are going through, and instead of terrifying them for the rest of their life, try to help them through it because that's all we really want, is to have someone who loves and supports you. if you really want to know whats going on with your kid, any age in fact, just sit and have a chat with them, so they know you care but at the same time not invading their humanity.

Anonymous said...

"they can have an opinion, but I don't care"

That one line is why you're an terrible parent, and person.

Yes children need to be parented, but that's not what you are doing. You are punishing them for being children, for being people, for simply being born.
They won't grow up to thank you, they'll grow up to hate and resent you. You'll die cold and alone in a trashy nursing home wishing your kids would come see you, but they won't, they won't even send you a card for your birthday.
Oh yeah, they'll pretend they care for a while, until they can get out and live their own lives.

Take it from someone whose parents thought EXACTLY as you do. People who had no sense of privacy, no morals, no respect for my CHOICES or opinions. It was do as I say, when I say, no exceptions, no talking back, no privacy.
I grew up hating them, despising their very existence, wishing they would die. I'm in my mid thirties now, run my own successful business(I have 6 stores across the UK, opening a seventh next month), I have two homes, an incredible wife and my second child on the way.
Now you can say that's because of good parenting, but you'd be wrong. Their parenting led to me despising not only them, but myself too. I drove myself to drinking, to fighting, to anything that would cause me harm up to, and including, attempting suicide. I was paranoid and scared 24/7 that people were always watching me, always going through my things when I was away. It was an awful way to live.
Until I got my first stable job, saved up enough to move out into a small shitty apartment, alone.
When I started to see what privacy was, what the real world was like where people respected your personal space and stayed out of it, I learned to care for myself, learned to care about my life and other people, and now look at me.
I'm more successful than both my parents combined, x100. I've not spoken to, contacted, nor cared about them in 11 years and I've never been happier. I don't even know if they are still alive, and I couldn't care less.

Parent your child, yes. Smother them and turn them into drones just to appease your own pathetic excuse for power, no, absolutely not and shame on you for doing so.

Honestly, I hope your children turn out like me and grow up to hate and resent you, to not care if you're alive or dead, because THAT is what YOU deserve.
You're not fit to call yourself a parent.

Unknown said...

You know she can make another Facebook account right?

Unknown said...

They definitely don’t have alt accounts

Me said...

My mom read my diary all my life. Lied about it, but tried in sick evil ways to try to force me to admit things. When I was 22 (I had moved out when I was 18) she hired a private investigator to spy on me and my husband. The stress from this caused me a miscarriage. When I was 25, she traced my cell phone. Now I'm 36 and she's trying to move 3 doors away (at first behind my back). I believe that only intrusive crazy parents can't give their kids space. I have 7 kids of my own, I refuse to read their diaries. It's simply not my business. No reason to completely violate their trust and take away their privacy.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're a tertible mother, you are a terrible mother. Stop living in 1990 and fucking grow up. Bitch!

who? said...

Gosh you are a horrible parent with self righteous notions of being a good parent. What is parenting? It's to guide children into becoming strong individuals who can think for themselves and contribute to the world. What is bad and what is good? Being obedient is not everything. Do you actually want your kids to be your pets? A successful parent should guide but by no means control. Whether good or bad decisions are made by your kids, ultimately you will have to trust them to make their own decisions in whatever way they decide to explore this life of theirs. Just because you gave birth to them doesn't mean you control their life. If not, what difference is there than them being slaves or pets?

Anonymous said...

I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 years. She's never even met her grandchildren. Welcome to your future.

Lizi said...

Hi, I'm a 16 year old girl in highschool. I completely and utterly disagree, my mother and I are super close and I tell her just about everything(although it wont be immediately) when I was just a mere 15 year old I started secretly dating a 19 year old, it didnt end good and he pressured me into things I didn't like. I learned from my mistakes. I told my mother after I had turned 16 and she hugged me while I cried into her arms. She was there for me afterwards and thats all that matters, the things we do when we are younger do no define us. We are young and do stupid things but we mature and learn. Let us learn instead of breaking that trust barrier. I'm a feminist, I go to protests, I stand up for my rights, and I've recently gotten accepted to a good college at only 16 years old. We are more capable than many people think. Me and my mom have an even bigger bond than before and I show her everything on my own accord. Let us trust you to show us the things that matter the most. I recently told my mom of my depression and shes been taking me to a therapist about it. Ask them about their feelings about things. Ask them unique questions you wouldnt ask a child/teen. I used to be afraid to be judged by my parents and get in trouble for the simple things or get made fun of for doing something I love, my father used to make fun of my love for art and the things i drew so I stopped. I'm saying that if you give us a chance to trust you and show us these private matters than you would be surprised. Most of my friends have terrible relationships with their parents and if you just make an effort to love and cherish them then maybe you wouldnt have to deal with suicidal thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I understand some of your points about wanting to make sure everything is well with your kids, however I don't think reading the private journal of any child is a good way to inspire a healthy relationship. When I was 13, I found out my mother was reading my diary, and it was an awful feeling to say the least. In response, I stopped writing entirely. I never spoke openly with either of my parents, and became extra careful not to leave any evidence as to what I was doing, however innocent my activities were. I had no support line, because I was afraid that anything I said or wrote would be infiltrated by my parents. My relationship with my mother continues to be very strained, just because she didn't think I should have the right to keep a private journal. Think twice before invading your kids privacy, chances are they will still find a way o hide things from you, and lose all trust and respect for you in the process.

Anonymous said...

My best friend gave me a diary in the 8th grade. The first page was a note from her telling me this was a journal for me to Express my feelings, instead of bottling them up. My parents do not believe in privacy, which I was not aware of. They went through my things, found it, read it, read it to people they thought "needed to know what was going on," read it to counselors at school, basically it felt like anyone who would listen. I had never been suicidal before until this experience. I saw that journal as an outlet to get my feelings out so I didnt act on them. Taking away a safe space for a child to express his or her feelings under the guise that they're a kid and have no rights to any privacy whatsoever is dangerous.That was 22 years ago. Reading this article was extremely painful. I've never trusted my parents again. I never told them about my struggles. I never told them about how horrible they made me feel about myself.I was never approached to discuss the situation I was simply told there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. That feeling has never gone away. I'm now 34. That experience layed the groundwork for my relationship with my parents for life. I dont trust them. I dont tell them anything. I dont hug them. I dont let them touch me.They know nothing of my real struggle with depression and they never will. I moved out 6 years ago. Feeling like an adult with my own space and my own privacy was life changing. I healed so much. A year ago I was in a tough spot and asked to move home. They graciously offered me my old room back and made a point to tell me it was MY space. They lied. They are constantly in my room without my knowledge. I run a successful small business. When I was about 15 I asked my high school counselor to help me find a psychiatrist. I hit the jackpot and ended up with the most amazing woman I've ever met or probably will meet in my life. She saved my life, literally, many times. She gave me a safe space and she was someone I actually let myself trust. She died unexpectedly in March, just before corona started hitting the US. It has been the worst thing thats ever happened to me. Ik trying to work with a new person and let me tell you, going over my childhood experiences with a new person 20 years later isnt pretty. Know what she recommends? A journal. Write it down, get it out, close the book. I started writing letters to my friend, I never got to say goodbye to her and I dont plan to. I came into my room yesterday and all my things were moved. Both of my parents were in my room under the guise they needed to make sure my windows were locked, I had no idea. They moved a lot of my things around. It's the same old shit. Their house so no matter what I'm a child and they can do what they want. I will not write another letter to my incredible friend whom I miss more than I can put into words again while I live in this house. I am putting my grieving on hold which is a very dangerous game. I will not write in my journal again until I am able to move out again. I have no idea when you wrote this I cant find a date. Maybe your kids are all grown up now and live normal happy lives, maybe they're even thankful you gave them no privacy as a child. Maybe it helped them. It destroyed me. I resent my parents right down to my bones. They know nothing of my real self, and never will. I dont trust anyone, have few friends, and have never been on a date. I keep everything to myself and think everyone is out to get me. It is a miserable existence that could have been avoided if I was treated like the mature young adult that I was. I thought I was doing the right thing by writing it down and not acting it out. I admire the tenacity you approached with raising your children. Its wonderful that you cared so much. I'm writing all this out in the event that if there is another full grown adult sobbing in their bed googling 'my parents don't respect my privacy' at 7am on a Sunday and come across this I want them to know I see you.

Anonymous said...

I would say that kids deserve a right to privacy, you don't invade their personal life, read their thoughts, and snoop around in their cyberspace unless you think they are at risk of inappropriate material or access to unsafe websites. As a parent, you're supposed to maintain a healthy boundary of trust and security. No matter what you do to stop them being exposed to a "bad influence", they are going to find a way around it, and burn the bridges of trust between you. If you are concerned about their safety, develop a relationship where you can can talk to them about what's right and wrong and explain why something is not appropriate. These are my thoughts, and I would consider what you did harmless at 5 but not constructive for say a kid 10+.

Anonymous said...

When I mean harmless, I mean it probably won't do any damage, in that your kid doesn't even know you are spying on them. If they do, well....

Anonymous said...

This is why I hate my mother now and want to kill myself because I never received trust and respect and I have no self esteem or understanding of self respect. I hate my parents and myself for exactly the things you wrote. My mother has the same mind as you. And I am suffering every day because of that. Why would you care?you are a narcissistic toxic person. You should go to therapy before harming your kids further..

Anonymous said...

As an adult still living under my parent's roof, I feel sick reading this blog. I can't believe that some parents are very vocal and PROUD to disrespect their child's privacy. Sure they're not old enough to be on their own but at least, give them some freedom. And as they grow older, give them more freedom. This is outright stepping in overprotective territory. I can even say that this post is b*sh$t. You know what I was thinking mid-way as I was reading the blog, LEAVING YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE is the surest way to escape from their grasp. If you're a parent reading this, teach your child to be independent! If you're a teen or an adult having problems with overprotective parents, and who don't teach you how to be independent, BE SMART AND ESCAPE THE HOUSE! MOVE OUT AND TAKE YOUR FREEDOM BACK!

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 337 of 337   Newer› Newest»

Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?

So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep fro...

Popular Posts