People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Sexy Halloween Costumes

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Sexy Halloween Costumes


Halloween is fast approaching and everyone is working on their costumes. Adolpha will be a dead bride this year and Gomer wants to be a banana. Uhh ... OK, kids, challenge accepted. I've designed a gray, tattered wedding dress and veil for Adolpha and you should see the bouquet of black flowers I made her! I'm only an overachiever at Halloween. The banana costume was a lot easier. I went to the store and bought it. I have no idea how to make a banana costume! My glue gun skills are limited.

We attend a few Halloween events every year and the kids really enjoy it when the Hubs and I dress up in a costume. The Hubs has a shirt that says "This is my costume" (did you really expect more?) and I always try to come up with something last minute.

This year I thought I might get a jump on the holiday and actually find a costume before the day of. I started looking online last night and I was so annoyed by what I found for women's Halloween costumes. It wasn't just the usual sexy nurse or frisky pirate or naughty witch. The costumes I found were ridiculous.

Sure, there has been a trend for a while now where girls' and women's costumes are getting sluttier and sluttier, but come on! You should see the shit I found.

Check out these doozies I found on Yandy.com:


The sexy slice of watermelon. WTF? This looks like a girl in a towel who had a run in with a very big dog. Who knew fruit was sexy? Apparently Yandy did, because they have sexy bananas and orange slices too. You could have a whole hot fruit salad.


What about this "Red Bird" costume, which is obviously a sexy Angry Bird? She looks like sexy Mrs. Santa Claus got attacked by a rabid cardinal. You would have to be unbelievably gorgeous to wear this costume. Can you imagine what a normal woman would look like with that fucking bird on her head?


Who the fuck wears a sexy Pooh bear costume? Who goes shopping for a Halloween party and thinks, "Ooh, I always loved Pooh when I was a little girl. I'll be smokin' as a sexy Pooh! Plus, my kids would love it!"??? I can only imagine the attention a girl gets in this costume. "Hey baby, I'd like to get in your honey pot!"



The crazy sexy mental patient is about the only costume that actually sort of made sense to me (what mother doesn't feel like she should be institutionalized some days?), but how would I go to the bathroom in this thing? At least I wouldn't be able to cut the food on my kids' plates that night.


And what about this? WTF?? Is this hot or horrifying? Yup, a sexy unicorn.


Yandy has added some all new costumes for 2014. They've tried to capitalize on the Frozen trend that has taken the nation by storm. Sure, there's Sexy Elsa (makes sense, she was actually kind of sexy in the movie). Then there's Sexy Anna. But the one that kills me is Sexy Olaf.

Source: Disney/Yandy
Did you hear my head explode? Sexy Ebola Nurse costume is available now for purchase too.

Source: Brandsonsale.com

Who buys this crap?

Looks like it's time to get out a peasant skirt and a head scarf and be a fortune teller again this year. Not the sexy kind - the old crone kind.

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All photos are courtesy of www.yandy.com.

77 comments:

Tanya said...

Good Christ!! I knew that there were slutty costumes out there, but this is ridiculous. Just because you can make a costume slutty, does not mean you should.

Sarah said...

I laughed out loud at the red bird thing, it's like some sort of mutant animal transformer that ate a lady? Rather horrifying.

Danielle said...

I actually tweeted a complaint about this last year! When I took my kids trick or treating it was COLD, I was in a velour track suit and I saw MOTHERS taking their kids trick or treating with all their business out and trust me the moms in my subdivision do not look like the girls modeling these pics. :)

colleen said...

That unicorn is whore-ifying.

We attend a club-style Halloween party and every year there is a chick (same chick) who is essentially naked. Eve one year, Goldilocks, then "army" with strategically placed leaves, braids and ammo on top and the tinest boy short panties on bottom. Shockingly she doesn't win the costume contest because that winner is always someone who does sexual favors for the DJ. (Good to know she draws the line somewhere.)

Sue said...

haha - Colleen. Whore-ifying, indeed. Excuse me Mrs. Unicorn, but I can see your teets.

Tandi said...

My go to costume. Old white tshirt with a giant P on it, and use black eyeliner to give myself a black eye. I am a Black-Eyed Pea. easy peasy and doesn't involve letting it all hang out.

Angie and Chris aka Supertwins said...

HOLY CRAP! I'm hyperventilating here! "looks like Mrs. Clause got attacked by a rabid cardinal" I freaking love this blog.

Sarah said...

These are Playboy Masion-esque costumes. I swear Halloween is an excuse to wear your underwear out in public. I'm from Ohio and Ohio University in Athens is THE college to be at for Halloween. They shut the street where all the bars and have a "Block Party". It's the sluttiest thing I've ever seen. I'm 100% sure all of those costumes will be there. When I went I was a Gangster, I had on tight pants and a low cut top and I was more covered up then even the guys!

Murph said...

Oh my Gosh, Watermelon is so HOT!!! I’m totally with you on this one. And just to build off of what Colleen started, pretty soon they’re going to have to rename Halloween to Whore-loween. ;)

Anonymous said...

I do agree with you on the costumes, totally trashy. But I find this post even funnier since Yandy.com with the sexy peacock, sexy watermelon and sexy banana are advertisements on your page.

Jennifer H said...

HAHA! my husband always seems to want to pick out the sluttiest ones possible and wants me to wear them......in the bedroom!! Yeah Right!!

Rachael said...

What bothers me the most is finding a costume for my 12 year old daughter. I mean, she is a frickin kid why does every teenage girl costume come with a 3" mini-skirt and padded push up bra??? Not too mention....its October! Why would you want your kid outside ToT'ing in a short skirt in October?

RachRiot said...

Yes, when did Halloween turn from scary to sexy? And a lot of the slutty costumes come in CHILD sizes! WTF, people? If you want to dress like Skankenstein or Freddy Cougar at an adult party go ahead but I don't want to see a six year old sexy kitten in fishnets. Fail.

Nepsi said...

Why not just cut out the premise and only sell stripper costumes to women?

Anonymous said...

Uh, the Unicorn probably has another meaning.....in the 'lifestyle' world of sex and swingers, a unicorn is a single hot chick that likes threesomes (rare like a unicorn). I shit you not.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking the exact same thing the other day as I perused the Party City catalog. Every friggin' costume was either "sexy" or "babe". WTF?? And seriously, those costumes only look presentable on models...

kim @the fordeville diaries said...

I am traumatized forever. That is all.

Kim Holloway said...

I saw a few "one size fits all" tube dress "sexy candy bar" costumes the other day.

Newsflash: one size does NOT fit all, or even most. That sexy Blow Pop tube dress was pretty good though - it actually made me LOOK like a Blow Pop...round with legs.

Love the "Whore-ifying" comment btw...that was awesome.

L Carilo said...

I hear ya, Hubs! I hated Halloween before I had kids. So the idea of going to a Halloween party was at the bottom of my list of "fun things to do." But one year my friend dragged me to her company party at a bar... Ugh! I found a far-away corner and when anyone approached me (in my Navy Liz Claiborne suit dress I had worn to work that day) and asked what I went as, I told them they were drunk; I was a figment of their imagination. I know. Fun right? lol

melissa said...

What's worse, is its sealing into the little girls' costumes! Sexy Alice in wonderland anyone? Ummm maybe if my daughter was 21 not 8! It pisses me off, I don't even bother because I'm fat and ugly and a skimpy, trashy costume does nothing for me. And these sexy tiny costumes cost a fortune! Wtf?

Fabi said...

Gee, it seems that women have to look sexy and appetizing 24/ 7 now. Halloween is no excuse for looking like a vampire, a ghost, a Frankenstein or whatever would once have meant 'scary / creepy / nasty".
There's virtually no option other than porn-actress-gone-partying in most costume shops (especially online). It's just plain bad taste and it just disgusts me that women are already treated like sex objects, but no, that was not enough, someone had to have the idea of making sex shop costumes mainstream (for women, of course) - and unfortunately many bought the idea.

Anonymous said...

I have twin daughters who just turned 12. They are very tall for their age and outgrew kids costumes about 3 years ago. Trying to find an age appropriate costume in the women's section is almost impossible. In the past I have usually added to it to take the 2 bit whore out of the costume. We are going to make zombie costumes this year. I just can't handle a trip to the costume store.

Keri P said...

The boobs!!!! aaaaah!!! I guess if you paid for them to defy gravity like that, the pressure to parade them around is greater.
There is the disturbing uber sexy Disney princess knock offs too, as if behind closed castle doors cinderella and snow white are stripping down to bra tops and booty shorts, but POOH? and What is with the WEIRD LEGGINGS?
And I totally agree with Rachriot, KIDS in this crap?? YIKES.
Hilarious as usual Jen!

Kristy said...

Well I guess if you've paid that much for inflatable boobs you can't afford enough costume to cover them.

The whore-ifying has to be the best comment though. Bravo.

I think the smallest costume I ever wore was at a lingerie party...yep - it was college...and I was barely dressed....but it was almost like shopping in real life because all the women kept asking one another "OMG - where did you buy that?"...LOL.

Tricia said...

"sexy Mrs. Santa Claus got attacked by a rabid cardinal." Aside from making my day with this one, I'm thinking that sounds pretty terrifying. De-sexify that idea a bit and you've got a hell of a costume idea!

Also, anyone else wonder if these are all just kinky fetish costumes with a marketing department trying to increase sales numbers at this time of year?

Cheryl Guo said...

I also have a problem when lookin for costume this year. Well, i found out the most costume for women in the market are way too slutty which i think it'd better to wear on with your bf/partner in bedroom... Well,but if I don't choose one from them, i might end up getting weird looks from other ppl like"Oh, that girl wears a dinosaur costume!!" (frankly i like dinosaur or pumpkin costumes which is nothing to do with sexy

a confused college girl

Julie said...

My 10-yr-old daughter would look through the costume catalog and say "Look, funny Domo costume; slutty Domo costume. Funny banana costume; slutty banana costume. Funny witch costume; slutty witch costume." (And most of the "funny" versions were on men).

I'm dressing up for the first time since college (costume-required party) and actually going as...drum roll...my 10-year-old daughter. Definitely NOT slutty in this house.

Julie said...

Totally off topic, but are my eyes getting older or are the spam-stopping "type this image in the box" things getting harder to read? I swear those stupid photos of numbers are blurred beyond recognition about 3/4 of the time.

Morgan said...

My 6-year-old wants to be a fairy. You would think I would be able to find an age appropriate fairy costume for her. Apparently not! We decided on a regular skirt with tights, a sparkly turtleneck, and fairy wings. At least she will look as though she is dressed for Halloween and not Whoreoween!

Julie Workman said...

You should try finding a plus-sized costume. Seriously, they just add 8 inches of fabric to the slutty whoreishness already available and call it plus. If C-cup boobs were poking out of the top, what the hell do you think f-cup boobs are gonna do?!

I have 3 boys. I detest taking them shopping for costumes, because they always end up slack-jawed in front of the sexy costume display wall at Party City, asking what is this and why is that. Um, guys? You are not even double-digits yet - close your flippin mouth and head on over to Star Wars.

I'm going as Momcess again. Old bridesmaid dress repurposed. DIY pageant sash. My wedding tiara. Toilet brush with sparkles & ribbons. Stained receiving blanket cape. It's awesome, and I DO win the costume contests!

Karen Herman said...

This "sexy kid" stuff is everywhere - I wanted to purchase some bras for my 14 year old - and MAN! Everywhere we went the bras were slutty. They were all push ups with tons of padding. My kid is tall and skinny, but blessed with ample boobage...she doesn't need push ups or tons of padding. For Halloween she bought a black "Scream" style cape and a feathery black mask and vampire fangs. Looks good - and not even a little sexy....

Nicole Marie said...

Who buys this crap? Porn stars.

Emmy's mama said...

I'd kind of like to see sexy Halloween costumes for pregnant mamas. I'm pretty sure, being seven months preggers, the only thing I can get away with this holiday is dressing up like a pumpkin. But c'mon, Yandy.com, can't you think of a way of making me look like a hot, sexy, pregnant pumpkin? ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes!!! Totally agree!

Anonymous said...

I thought the red outfit was a power ranger for porn.

It's like these women dress up a little girls and the old men get creepy on them. Ewww.

Anonymous said...

I think if they saw the picture of my big 'ol gut hanging out of that watermelon, they'd stop selling this shit.

Anonymous said...

Did you see the sexy Ernie and Bert costumes on there? First...Ernie and Bert are boys, but these are costumes for women. Second...Bert and Ernie are not sexy! Ugh!

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

NO ONE has the body to wear these things! I'd have to remove a couple of ribs and chop at least one thigh off to even have a chance of wriggling into one!

Anonymous said...

One of the moms I know got breast augmentation last year to fill out her Playboy bunny costume. This year she is going as a sexy (slutty) skeleton...she looks really good, and so do her other friends in the slutty costumes, but still, the annual Halloween party is just an excuse to wear slutty clothes.

NHGirl said...

Ha.... I went to an Oktoberfest this year, and had the same reaction to the german girl costumes. None were authentic, just simply a trashy beer maid. And I'm not about to hang out and pour beer for a bunch of drunk sailors with my "teas and biscuits" hanging out.

It has gotten ridiculous. I get that sex sells, but to WHO?? Who is buying this stupid trash??

Marcella said...

Halloween is a whore's holiday. The overt sexual costumes are becoming like the political ads on TV. So over saturated that I count down the days until it's over.

God help the young girls that see all this shit and think they have to wear it to fit in or to get attention.

Anonymous said...

Too funny! I was taking my daughters through the Halloween store and had to not only try to steer them away from the slutty girl costumes but the couples costume set of a plug (guy - guess where it was?) and eletrical outlet(girl- guess where?) and the guy genie costume that said "rub here". Seriously?!?!? They should at least put a sign up saying "adult section". Nothing like a 10 year old asking "why does it say rub there?"

Amanda said...

My guess is the stores who sell these costumes shop at a stripper supplier, then mark up the costumes to sell for Halloween. No self respecting woman would buy from a stripper store, but if I buy it from Target, it's all good.

Sarah said...

I was one week short of having my son at the last Halloween I dressed up for. I wore a nice dress that made me look very preggers, my wedding tiara, and a sash that said I was Miss Conception, the fallen beauty queen. Believe me, it was worth the looks, and no pumpkin was in sight. ;)

Anonymous said...

I was thinking the same thing! Currently my Yandy ad is showing the sexy fox, sexy wolf and sexy viking? WTF! lol. The best part is directly on the other side of the screen is a T-shirt ad... the T-shirt the company decided to show off is one that says "I would cuddle you so hard." Ya, I bet you would ya little perv lol.In all honesty, the sexy fox costume just looks like Fred Flintstone's toga threw up on a cat. Well, it's scary anyway! ;)

Lostintexasmama said...

Last week my 10 year old son was searching for a costume online at Spirit Halloween. I was sure he was reading it wrong, or I was hearing him wrong when he asked, "Mom, what's a phat pimp?" Yes, Spirit Halloween is selling a pimp costume for kids. WTH????? http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/phat-pimp-child-costume/

Anonymous said...

Best costume I ever had was when I had to go to a costume party after working a 12 hour shift in a hospital lab. I grabbed a clean, extra large biohazard trash bag out of the supply closet, cut arm and leg holes, threw that bitch over my normal clothes and away I went. Best part was, when I got sick of the thing I just ripped it off, threw it away, and enjoyed the party comfortably in my normal clothes while my friends spent the evening self-consciously stuffing their boobs back into their pirate wench, french made, and superwoman costumes. Trash bags rock! lol

Anonymous said...

Ooops, french maid!

Vera Z said...

My 14 year old wanted the unicorn one... her and her friends wanted to dress alike... yeah... Hell NO! It was bad enough last year with the "Nanuck of the North" number I acquiesced to... the sexy Elmo costume is disturbing as well... and sexy Nemo is a close second!

Wanderer said...

I've been seeing these ads everywhere - on YouTube, on Bing, on Facebook!! Everywhere!! So awesome that you did a post on them....Though I'm 18, I'm still dressing up! This year's Harajuku Girl, made entirely of things already in my wardrobe and a lot of hairspray and fun makeup. Harajuku - now there's a thousand and one costumes to capitalize on. But no....How the heck do you even make those things 'sexy'????

Carly said...

Hahaha! Whore-ifying. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I am so with you on this. I just want a nice costume to go and trick or treat with my kids without running the risk of getting thrown in jail for indecent exposure!

SouthMainMuse said...

The mental patient. Too funny. I want to punch the people in the throat that make these corseted, ripped costumes modeled by pouty 12 year olds. It is a battle every year with my daughter who usually wants to get the most ridiculous one.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I always did like eating watermelon. :-)~

Anonymous said...

Ok, that eating watermelon comment made me laugh, I have to admit! I was watching TV the other night and had to hit pause on a Party City commercial to truly marvel at the blatant display of sexism. The male and female "Angry Birds" costumes? It is so much more apparent when they model them side-by-side. The female costume is a skin-tight tube dress, the male version is a huge triangle with a face cut out. I also agree about the difficulty of shopping for costumes with my 7 year old son, although I do have to say I found it a little flattering. I could not fit one finger into those outfits, but bless my son's heart, he was constantly asking, "Why don't you buy this one, Mom? You would look good in this!" A good reminder that children, when they're young, see our hearts, not our pants size! :)

barefootrosebyanyothername said...

Did you see The Bloggess post about the bodybag costume men vs. women? Www.thebloggess.com/2012/10/skanky-ween

TNMom said...

LOL!!!!!! - Skankenstein - Hilarious!!
I also thought of the Bloggess post about the body bag....sexy body bag, really? UGH!
Devan

I Miss You When I Blink said...

Sexy body bag takes the cake. By far.

I have a theory on these slutty get-ups, though. (Posited here, in "Pumpkin Pimping: It's a Thing" http://wp.me/2fX5E)

I think it will eventually get old seeing so much of so many people. There'll be less and less costume each year, until people are just naked at Halloween; then we'll all be grossed out and the pendulum will swing the other way, and everyone will dress in giant burlap bags. Maybe.

Anonymous said...

As I finally sat down to read this, I noticed that Yandy had an ad for a Sexy Viking costume to the side. Well played, Google, well played.

Krysti said...

Since you've posted this, Yandy now advertises on the side of my screen. I just saw a sexy Tootsie Roll (which I almost get, considering there was a song about "tootsie rolling"...but why would you want to look like a log of poo?), sexy Tigger (just no), and...sexy Black Swan.

Thanks for ruining the ballet for me, Yandy.

Kindell Barnes said...

My husband just dresses up & when people ask he says "Im dressed up!" Although last year he wore a shirt that said "That guy" pretty original stuff huh?

Laura said...

Right?! The only age-appropriate (my daughter is 7) fairy costumes we found were from Chasing Fireflies and just the dress cost $65!

I'm making her a long tutu in the colors she chooses and she's throwing it on over a leotard with some wings.

Gina said...

Have you never seen this thing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4rUiV_Hh74

I watch it every October. It cheers me up. "And... frog."

peekabooze said...

This always makes me think of that scene in Mean Girls where they are all dressed as sexy cats and mice and whatever, and LL comes in dressed as some horrific witch/vampire thing. I think I'm going to start a line of un-sexy hooker costumes. And, like, Marilyn Monroe in her sweats.

Tracy said...

Hey Jen... I was unemployed for a while and took a part time job for a bit working at one of those Halloween stores that opens for 2 months only... and I have some insight. A LOT of women don't want the skanky costumes. Well, they would if they were remotely well made or appropriately sized, but a lot of women would prefer a plain old cop uniform to a stretchy jumpsuit with SWAT: Sexy Women of Acttion Team written on the back. Lol. Also, I know a size 6 woman came in and burst the seam trying on a size Large Wonder Woman bustier! If they would make the costumes bigger they would sell 3 times as many! I am a size 8 or 10, 5'2"... and I fit in the XL or maybe the plus sizes. Also... they had some hysterical men's costumes... the standouts included Julius Pleaser (roman guy), Hung Lo Dojo (karate guy), and the ob/gyn Dr. Howie Feltersnatch. Yup! Crazy shit!

Dawn said...

Overheard @ Lovers Lane store (in squeaky girl voice): "I want to dress up all slutty this year for Halloween!" "Oh, me too!"
Ummmmm, how is that any different from your everyday clothes, Hoochie Mamas?

Katie Paschal said...

I'm not really bothered by the fact that costumes like this exist or that women choose to wear them. What bothers me is that this is the only option. Forces me to go to the trouble of making a new costume every year simply because I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing a costume like that.

McKenzie Wright said...

You allow your 10-year-old daughter to say "slutty"?! And you're worried about costumes in a catalog?

McKenzie Wright said...

Great ideas, gals! Will be taking notes on these ideas. The turtleneck is weather appropriate for the end of Oct. as well.

Jester said...

Just started reading your blog (from start to finish) and wanted to say thanks for making me choke on my water with this one!!

AddictedToMakeovers said...

Ok....THIS WOULD BE BECAUSE YANDY.COM IS A LINGERIE SITE. TRY AN ACTUAL HALLOWEEN COSTUME STORE. yes yoh will still see a lot of "sexy"... but not as trashy.

Elizabeth Catalano said...

Hilarious! The unicorn is esp ironic because supposedly only maidens of pure virtue can approach one, so the woman wearing it must have used a virgin as bait and then skinned it alive. That is, if unicorns exist. And maybe they wouldn't be as rare if they gave it up once in a while.

Emily Kelly said...

Yandy is a lingerie website... Therefore they serve their purpose and are not intended as actual halloween costume

Nicole said...

Wear a kilt, a white dress shirt, and a tie. Knee socks/dark tights. You're a school girl who fucked a teacher! Slightly shocking and pretty funny (at least it was for me, since my husband WAS a private school teacher, and people at the party knew that).

Jamie@southmainmuse said...

I have a friend, a missionary, who's been in Sierre Leone the past year going out to small villages -- her job being Ebola education. The nurse. I've got to send her that. She would get the hourful of laughter she deserves.

jtaggart8330 said...

I think a good costume for this year would be a sexy Hillary with a Trump face mask of his typical stupid squinty-eyed smirk.

hyphen8 said...

A little bit of antidote: I found this on Kickstarter a few years ago, and while I haven't tried any of their costumes, I definitely approve of their motives.

http://takebackhalloween.org/about