Marni Kotak - "Artist"

Have you heard of this chick yet?  WTF?  Seriously.  She is an artist in Brooklyn who is going to give birth to her first child live in an art gallery.  After reading her bio, I've decided this will be nothing new for her.  Apparently, she specializes in her own real life re-enactments.  She's performed her own birth (ew), attending her grandfather's funeral (who cares?) and losing her virginity (ick).  WTF?  Why can't she just get a job as a telemarketer?  Who does this shit?  Better yet, who supports this shit?

I'm about to pop. Come watch it LIVE.

It's being billed as her "most profound and physically challenging performance" yet.  Ya think?  You mean giving birth will be physically harder than pretending to attend grandpa's funeral?

I would never wish a birth complication on anyone, but it really would serve her right if for some reason her doctor/midwife/doula/stargazer (whoever is taking charge of her medical care) determines her baby needs a Cesarean section and it can't be done at the gallery.

OK, so I've never been a real fan of art so it's not a stretch for me to hate this woman.

Don't get me wrong, I like a pretty picture on my wall, I enjoy a good movie and a great book, but I despise "performance art".

Just because you can take a crap in public, I won't let you call it art.  Ooh look, I'm typing on my computer.  I'm re-enacting yesterday's blog post!  I'm an artist!

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with this lady and the people who are signed up to come and witness the birth?  We have become way too voyeuristic and we share way too much.

This isn't art, this is narcissism.  This is "Look at me, look at me!" wrapped up as art.  Marni isn't built like my favorite attention whore, Courtney (did you see the pics of her and Doug at the pumpkin patch this weekend before they were kicked out???), so she has to resort to using what she's got - a uterus and very little modesty when it comes to complete strangers seeing her shit herself while she's pushing.  Oh, it will happen, people.

She's also going to raise Baby X (I assume once the baby is born it will be given a ridiculous name like Santana or Oberon) as an art installation.  It will document her child's upbringing from birth through college.  Yeah, that's called Facebook, dumbass.  Oberon slept through the night last night.  A miracle!  I can't believe Santana is already 2 years old.  It's amazing how time flies.  Seems like just yesterday I gave birth to her in art gallery.  I'm so grateful to the homeless man who wandered by and gave her a blessing.  It has been life-changing!  If that's art, then we've all got child-rearing installations going on, lady.  You don't get to raise a kid and call it art.

She also hates Facebook because she thinks people today are desperately seeking meaning in their lives and Facebook is enabling that by letting them post the most mundane things.  Uhhh....you want me to get off my ass and walk down to an art gallery to see you re-enact your grandfather's funeral.  At least on Facebook I just have to read about it.

The more I think about it, I think I've changed my mind.  I want to be a performance artist.  I want to set up my entire bedroom and bathroom in the middle of an art gallery.  I want soundproof glass walls that no one can see through - only I can see out.  I have food that I order delivered to me, books, cable, Internet and a phone that only makes outgoing phone calls.  I get to stay there for a week in complete silence and solitude.  It will be the most profound (and relaxing) time of my life.  I can re-enact nights that I slept 8 hours before I had children.  I can  re-enact reading books that I enjoyed many years ago.  I can blog about my experiences in my box and make fun of the people I see through the glass.

These Fucking People

What the fuck is wrong with people???!!!!  Have you seen this?  (Warning, this is the most fucking disturbing thing I've ever seen.  Read the article, but watch the video at your own risk.  I really mean it.  It is horrible.  I've heard from people who didn't believe me and now regret they watched the video.  Believe me, I regretted it at first too, but now I'm glad I did, because I won't EVER forget this little girl.)  Anyone who appears in this video ignoring this child should be executed - painfully and slowly.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  I'm sitting here watching this video and I am so angry I want to actually hurt someone.  Who runs over a child???  TWICE, you motherfucker!!!  And worse, who walks by and ignores her?    I guess when you live in a country with a billion people one life isn't worth shit.

Unbelievable.

My Tax Dollars At Work

I live in a pretty nice town.  We pay high taxes and because of that we enjoy a lot of nice amenities like good schools, lots of parks, very few potholes and more.

This week I started realizing I pay way too much in taxes.  In one day I witnessed the following shitty examples of my tax dollars at work:

I drove my daughter to her school and when I pulled into the neighborhood by her school I noticed 2 police cars pulled over to the curb.  I wondered what the deal was.  It's a pretty busy street during drop off and pick up and I thought maybe they were setting up a speed trap or something.  I slowed down to the speed limit (no sense being made the example for the rest of the swagger wagons coming through behind me) and proceeded with extreme caution to the school.

I dropped off my daughter and headed back home.  I remembered the speed trap and slowed down to a crawl as I came up to where I'd last seen the police officers.  The police cars were now parked and there were 2 police officers walking along the sidewalk.

Ooooh, manhunt!, I thought.  Now it's getting exciting.  Maybe there's a bank robber on the run or something like that.  

Being the nosybody that I am, I practically stopped to watch where they were going.  They walked up the sidewalk and stopped by a small pear tree that was the apparent victim of a heartless hit and run.  The tree was snapped at the base and lying there dying.  The first officer walked all the way around the tree, giving it little kicks here and there, taking notes while the second one took photos from every imaginable angle.

Are you kidding me with this shit?

First of all, who in their right mind thought for a second, "Someone ran over my tree!  9! 1! 1!"????

Who does that?  People who name their kids Londyn, that's who.

"Umm, hello?  Police?"

"Yes, ma'am, what is your emergency?"

"Yes, it's a big one!  Someone ran over my pear tree!  It's dead!  It's dead!"

"Wait a minute, slow down ma'am I can barely understand you.  Who is dead?   Are you sure they're dead?"

"I'm positive!  My tree is broken in half.  It could not have survived!"

"Did you take a pulse - Wait a minute.  Did you say a tree???!"

"Yes.  My pear tree.  That tree was like $200 and someone just ran it over.  I need an officer here now.  There needs to be an investigation.  I will be pressing charges!"

"Yeah, uh, OK.  Fine.  We'll send someone out in the next few days.  Bye."

Then, how sad and pathetic it must be for the cop who gets that call!

"Alright, everybody listen up.  It's time to hand out assignments for today.  Carter and McMillan, you get the robbery on the west side of town, Johnson and Phillips, you guys check out the missing person reports.  Let's see what else?  Oh yeah, Fisher and Burgess, you guys head over to that fancy pants neighborhood with the hit and run."

"Ooh, a hit and run, Chief?"

"Yeah, don't get too excited.  It's a tree.  Lady says it's pretty expensive - we all know that's bullshit - but she's a real pain in the ass so take lots of photos and a full report.  Make it look convincing.  You can shred it when you get back and take a long lunch."

I'm pretty sure when these men signed up for the police academy they dreamed of helping people, saving lives, taking down bad ass criminals and shooting a gun every day.  They never dreamed of finding the minivan that ran over a stupid tree.

And who in the world thought it would be a good idea to send out TWO cops for this travesty?  What a waste of resources.  And they couldn't ride together?  They each needed a car??  WTF??

I guess I should be happy that I live in a town with such a low crime rate that they've got two cops available for a hit and run to a tree.

After I passed the police officers doing their very important and time consuming work, I headed over to the local library to return some books.

My library is a beautiful building very close to my home.  I think it's only about 10 years old and every time I turn around they are doing something to update it.  This summer it was new concrete at the front the entrance.  I can't tell you what was wrong with the old, but obviously someone was highly offended by a crack or a divet that I couldn't see and so it was replaced with brand spanking new concrete.

The building is currently being remodeled because we are some serious lazy ass people - myself included.  Our library has this great little system where you can go online and reserve a book and then a librarian pulls the book for you and puts it on the hold shelf.  You get an alert when your book is on the shelf and you can go and pick it up.  I do this all the time.  I never go to the library and look up a book in the catalog and then actually navigate through that bastard Dewey's Decimal system to find said book.  I just point and click and wait for the librarian to do the work for me.

Now, this is where I draw the line.  I do actually drive to the library (it's too far to walk) and park my car and walk into the building to get my reserves from the shelf.  For those lazier library goers there is a drive up window where you can pull up and a librarian will get your holds for you.

They are remodeling the library because the drive up window makes this location is the most popular for holds and they have run out of space to house all the hold items.  We have libraries all over the county but people will drive miles out of their way just so they don't have to get out of the car to get their copy of Bossypants (seriously funny book, BTW)?!  Yup.  It's the McDonalds of the library world.  Pretty soon they'll be able to offer you a large mocha frappe with your Complete Works of Shakespeare.

What irritates me is this is the same library that had to cut their hours recently because of budget cuts.

This is also the same library where I overhead this conversation that day:

"I've lost my book and I need to pay for it," says the library card holder.

"OK, let's see.  It's $12.00," says the wimpy librarian (why do librarians constantly live up to their stereotypes??).

"Here you go," she hands him the money.

"Great.  Umm....wow, this is your third lost book."

"Yeah, I have a hard time keeping track of them.  And one was actually wrecked, it fell in a pool.  You guys just wouldn't take it back in that condition."

"Oh.  Yeah, water is pretty hard on books.  So...OK, it looks like you've got some other fines accumulating.  Did you want to pay those now....or...."

"Well, how much are they?"

"You've got two books that are overdue.  One is at $3.60 and the other is at $5.40."

"Yeah, I don't have that much with me right now. Plus, I think that one - the $5.40 one - is lost too.  I've looked everywhere for it and I can't find it.  I've got one more place to look though."

"Oh, well, you're almost maxed out."

"Maxed out?"

"Yeah, did you know that fines only go to a $6.00 maximum?"

"Wait, do you mean you can only charge me $6.00 total?"

"Yes.  And then it just holds until you pay it."

"Does it affect my ability to check out books?"

"Only if it becomes a real problem."  (At what point does it become a real problem, jackhole??  Three lost books - excuse me - two lost books and one destroyed book sounds like a problem to me.)

Now her wheels are spinning.  "Soooo....if I had just not reported that book lost, I would have been fined $6.00 and then it would be done?"

"Well, yes....I guess.  I mean, but the book was lost."

"Right, but you don't know that unless I tell you."

"Yes, I guess so...," now the genius librarian has realized he's let the cat out of the bag.  Now he sees where she's going and he can't stop her.  He starts to turn red with...anger?  No, I think it's simple embarrassment at how stupid he is.

"OK, so then in two more days, I'll reach $6.00 and I'll max out.  So I'll just call that one overdue.  I'll say I'm still reading it.  I'll bring back the other one, I know where it is."

"Well, yeah, I guess that would work..."

"Perfect!  That's what I'll do then.  Great.  Thanks very much!"  And she's off to lose even more books.

What a couple of douches.

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