12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY FOUR!

Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Four!

Every day for the next 8 days, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.

10 Things I Hate About the Holidays

1. Pumpkin-flavor everything. Pumpkin lattes start showing up in August and then it just snowballs from there. I don't even like pumpkin in a pie, but no one wants to eat a pumpkin popsicle.

2. Douchey Dads who can't take their kids trick-or-treating without pulling a wagon of beer behind them. What is the deal? This is a pretty easy job and isn't very stressful. It takes a couple of hours to walk through the neighborhood, wave to the person at the door, and yell something like, “Anything good for me? Yuk, yuk, yuk.” Why do these dads feel the need to be hammered before they take on this job?

I Have Something You Need

Hellooooooo! How are you guys? I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time. That's because I've been super duper crazy busy working on ...

THIS!!!

That's right, people! I have a brand spanking new book out.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Yuletide Yahoos, Ho-Ho-Humblebraggers and Other Seasonal Scourges (STHWPIWTT: YYHH&OSS from here on out) is coming out on October 13. You can wait til then to get it or if you think you're going to be busy, then you should probably go ahead an pre-order now.

Now, if you've been hanging around me for awhile, you might be scratching your head and saying, "Wait, Jen, I already have that book." 

My answer? "Not exactly."

So, here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of this story: In 2012 I self published a book called Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It was a MASSIVE success (i.e., several people and my mom bought it) and it got great reviews EXCEPT there was one teeny tiny itty bitty complaint that kept popping up: "This is too short!" Soooo, I took a bunch of time away from my friends and family and blog and I doubled the size of this book. I kept all your old favorites, including the famous Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (you can read it here too) and I added a ton of new chapters you've never seen before.

Chapters like:

Doesn't Everyone Wrap Christmas Presents in Their Underwear?

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between a Home Invasion and an Overzealous Crew of Christmas Carolers

Nice Halloween Costume. Was "Skank" Sold Out?

Why You Won't Be Invited to Our Chinese New Year Party This Year, or Ever 

Then Random House was like, "Hey, this is a good book. We'd like to buy it." So, I sold it to them and they made me a new cover with a gingerbread man doing his "O" face. And then I met Jen Lancaster and I was like, "Hi. Would you like to be besties?" and she was like, "Sorry, I'm a little deaf in this ear" and so then I said, "Would you blurb my book?" and she said, "Oh, THAT I can do." And then she did!!! 

So that's on the cover too.

Does this sound like your kind of book? Well, if you've read this far, then this book is totally for you. What are you waiting for? Go and get your copy and six more for friends and family. It's the perfect White Elephant gift, hostess gift at your next cookie exchange party, or book to put on the back of your toilet when everyone descends on your house on Thanksgiving day. 

Bonus! If you're in Kansas City on October 13, you can totally come to the ah-may-zing launch party that Mid-Continent Library is throwing. Just click here for details and to sign up. 

If you're not local and you still want some books signed so you can give them as gifts (or keep them, I won't judge), then send me an email at jenthroatpunch@gmail.com and let's make that happen for you. 

On a personal note, I want to thank you guys for always supporting me. The fact that I can spend my days in my PJs writing stuff that you'll read is the stuff of dreams. I am #blessed. Truly. That wasn't hashtag sarcasm, that was legit. I know that I don't say it enough to anyone, but especially to you, but I really do love you guys and I'm so grateful that you have embraced this sassy, sweary gal. Mwah! 

Summer is Over for Me So I Want to Give You Something Free

Hey you guys, what have you been up to? At the risk of sounding like a dense soccer mom in the aisles of Target: THE SUMMER HAS LITERALLY FLOWN BY! Poof.

We did a lot this summer:

Weekly Wrap Up 2.2.13

I've stayed busy this week reading and writing. I'm making a lot of progress on my anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone and I've started working on my new book Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

I'm getting my throat punched over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Last year I won this contest handily and this year the competition is so stiff with so many hysterical ladies that I will be lucky if I get 5th place. Please vote for me so I don't lose my street cred and have to start blogging about coupons.

I've got about a billion different ways for you to follow me and keep up with me now, so I thought I'd list them all here in case you're looking for one more way to be my friend.

Blog (duh). You can subscribe and get me delivered to your inbox or reader every day.
Blog Message Boards. Meet new friends who read PIWTPITT.
Facebook for the blog. I try not to clog your feed too much.
Facebook Author Page. This one is where you can find out what's going on with my writing.
Twitter. I tweet nonsense. Especially on Sunday nights at 9 PM EST at the #spikedpunch Twitter party. Join me this Sunday.
Pinterest. I pin funny stuff, food I want to make, food I'll never make, crafts, blogs and books I read, and exercise routines that I should probably get off my ass and do.
Goodreads. Share your book recommendations with me.

If you think it's a pain in the ass to follow me on all of these channels, try keeping them updated. I'm a social media whore.

Book Update:

If you are an Amazon Prime Member, you can borrow my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat for free right now. If you're not an Amazon Prime Member, the book is still full price, but totally worth it. If you want to buy the book for anything BUT a Kindle, you're going to have a problem for a bit. In order to make it a free borrow, Amazon requires me not to sell the book anywhere else. So . . . sorry about that non-Amazon people. I will let you know once it's all back online again for everyone.

Top Read Posts This Week:

PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents - Even though my kids have wonderful grandparents I still had to make a list of rules, just because I enjoy making lists of rules. I was pleased to share this one with HuffingtonPost Parents this week as well.

Judgmental People Who Don't Think They're Judgmental - This is on old one, but I thought it was worth repeating, because I'm seeing more and more holier than thou people and it's driving me batty. If you're an asshat, just own it. That's all I ask.

Goodbye "30 Rock" It's Been Fun Chatting with You - My BFF Tina Fey spoke to me one last time on the series finale of her show.

I Was Interviewed! - Kim from Let Me Start By Saying interviewed me. She's a great blogger and an even better interviewer!

Which Downton Character are You? - I love Downton Abbey and I'm always trying to figure out which Crawley sister I am. After taking the official PBS Downton Abbey test I was told I am "Violet." Makes sense. I'm a sassy old lady. It was a red letter week for me when HuffingtonPost TV ran this one as well. Two in one week! I think HP might have a secret crush on me!

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

Loved this! Kim, I had no idea you were such a talented interviewer. You've been holding out on me. Love the way you two played off each other. And I had no idea RachRiot was such a blog whore. I thought she and I had something special. Day-yam. on I Was Interviewed!

Looks like RachRiot has some explaining to do.

Thanks for answering all my questions! I think the cool thing about Gone Girl is that you hate both main characters, and you struggle with that feeling the rest of the book. It's our Book Club for Thursday's meeting, and I look forward to a very lively conversation. Not liking Seinfeld disturbs me. Not even The Contest? Nothing?? Please stop using the phrase "placenta pills" so I can stop throwing up in my mouth. Thank you. on I Was Interviewed!

Two of my favorites in one place! I love it! I wish I could have been the P.A. that fetches water during that interview. on I Was Interviewed!

I was crazy thirsty answering those questions. I wish I would have known I could have had a P.A. to bring me a drink! Next time for sure!

Next time you're reading a library book, think of this: Once, my kid dropped a library book in the toilet. When I called the library to see how much it was going to cost me, they suggested I let it dry and RETURN IT. I didn't, but it certainly makes me look at library books differently. I still read them. I'm not above toilet books, as long as they're free. on I Was Interviewed!

Right after I read this comment I took a closer look at my book and I noticed a brown fleck dried on the page. I skipped that page. 

Why is it that only women seem to write funny and intelligent blogs? All the blogs I find by men are about gadgets, fashion, cars and how to bang hot chicks (in case you're wondering, it apparently takes gadgets, fashion and cars). Enjoy both of your writing a lot! on I Was Interviewed!

Please note. This comment was made by a man. A very smart man. Who is not my husband.

Can I one-up EVERYONE here? My FIL was suspected of child molestation (not my kids, thank goodness) and we were not allowing him to see our kids. My mother was watching my 3yo, had strict instructions NOT to allow my FIL to see him, and lo and behold she took him over to my in-laws house and left him there all afternoon because she "felt bad he never got to see the grandkids". WTF????? on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

Yup. You win. WTF??

Make my children keep up their personal hygiene at your house too! You made me brush my teeth and shower everyday. Bad breath and dirt do not skip a generation. Oh, and for goodness sake, make them brush their hair. It takes my girls' hair 2.3 seconds to turn into a tumbleweed on top of their head. on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

I think everyone has their own miracle cure. My grandpa put Ben-Gay on everything, including skin cancer. My mom; rubbing alcohol. My husband; ice. Me? I say "you're dehydrated. drink a glass of water". on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

My son never knew his grandparents, they were all deceased long before he was born. I'd give anything for him to have been "spoiled" by grandparents on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

I like to think I'm the Dowager Countess of Grantham with my sarcasm and biting wit, but I'm probably more like Isobel Crawley. Annoyingly liberal, helpful and optimistic, but I get my subtle and clever jabs in there when necessary. on Which Downton Character Are You?

Some days, I'm Ethel...not because I'm a prostitute, but because every time Ethel is on the screen, I find myself saying "Oh, Ethel, you're gonna regret that!" and there are so very, very many days when I rue every single freaking decision I make. on Which Downton Character Are You?

In my opinion, the world needs a little more sarcasm and a little less self-righteousness. I totally heart your blog. on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

I wish there was a like button for comments. They are hysterical. Also, isn't your title for the sake of sarcasm??? I don't think you literally want to punch everyone in the throat...it's F-U-N-N-Y! on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

Everyone is judgmental in some way, shape or form. However, you make it funny. I bet "Judy" is reading your blog right now because once you start you just can't stop. ;) on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

I Was Interviewed!

Today I was interviewed by Kim from Let Me Start By Saying. I had the pleasure of meeting Kim last summer in New York City at BlogHer. I am quite short and so I immediately befriended Kim, because I'm no dummy. She's a giantess and the crowds were thick. She could always tell me which way I needed to head for the bar and/or the bathroom. Kim has graciously offered to interview me for . . . wait, where will this interview be appearing, Kim? Hmm . . . I'm pretty sure it's for a well-known magazine or something, right? 

K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before. 

So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?

J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I  wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.

K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?

J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"

The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story. 

K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?

J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began. 

K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?

J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.

K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?

J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying. 

K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?

J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)

K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?

J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on. 

K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?

J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.

K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?

J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.  

K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?

J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity! 

I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.

I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.

I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.

K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?

J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.

K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?

J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library. 

It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.

K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?

J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?

K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-Christmas mom?

J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.

K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?

J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.

K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?

J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee. 

K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?

J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.

K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us." 

K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?

J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.

K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?

J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.

My goals for 2013 are the following: 

Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.

Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.

Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework. 

Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.

Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.

By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.

My 2013 Resolutions

I told you how well I did keeping my 2012 resolutions. Maybe a 50% success rate? Eh, not too bad I guess.

Now it's time to come up with some resolutions for 2013.

1. Get more Twitter followers. I really suck at Twitter. I'm getting better and I promise I'll interact with you over there if you follow me. Facebook is where I have more followers, but Facebook is frustrating me. I haven't been able to see my feed for a week now. It shows me three status updates from last Saturday and then says "There is nothing more to show you." Ugh. So, I'm trying to do more on Twitter. I'm getting more comfortable on Twitter. I even started a Twitter party on Sunday nights. Just follow the hashtag #spikedpunch and you will find me and a bunch of my friends chatting about some badass, way cool shit. For instance this week we discussed the riveting topics of American Girl dolls, Skylanders, sex, and Justin Bieber - there's a comma there so it's not sex with Justin Bieber. Join us this week!

2. Say I love you more. I'm good at saying it to the little people in my life, but not really great with the big ones. I will make more of an effort this year. However, in case I fail miserably, please know I love you.

3. Sell more books. I have a number in mind, but I don't want to put it here in case I don't meet my goal because then I'll feel like a loser. All I can say is my number is fairly large, so please tell a friend . . . or eight . . . about my book. Thanks, I love you!

4. Hang up my coat and/or drink more water. This was actually an idea I got from a reader. She commented that last year she resolved to run twenty 10 mile runs and she did it. (Good for her.) But since she did that last year, this year she was going to resolve to do something easy like hang up her coat or drink more water. I'm stealing her resolutions flat out. I've decided to make it an and/or proposition since I don't mind drinking water, but hanging up my coat seems as useless as making my bed (another thing I don't do). I'm just going to get back into my bed in a couple of hours, what is the point? I will need my coat the next time I leave the house, so why bother hanging it up? Looks like it's going to be more water.

5. Write more. What I mean by this is write more in advance. It is nearly midnight as I sit here writing this knowing full well that I have promised it to you by the morning. I do this all the time. I am constantly working under pressure and I would like to get some posts written in advance that I can throw out there on days that Kimye doesn't announce they're having a baby and the world waits with bated breath for my opinion.

6. Publish two books. Yup. Not one, but two. I'm working on them both of them right now.

7. Read more. I did fairly well this year with book reading. I'm not sure how many I read this year. I put a lot of them on Goodreads. This year I want to add some blogs to my reading list too. I try to read a lot of blogs on my phone when I have a few minutes here and there, but it's difficult for me to comment. I want to figure out how I can comment. I've been very open in the past about being a comment whore. I love comments. I read them all and it bums me out when people don't comment. Since I know how that feels, I can't read without commenting, that would totally suck. I will comment this year!!

8. Clean my house for 10 minutes a day. In 2012 I said I'd clean my house for 5 minutes a day and that didn't seem to work. I've decided to up it to 10 minutes this year. If nothing else, I can use this time to hang up my coat.

9. Get my hair cut by a real professional. I was trying to save money in 2012 and one of the things I scrapped was an expensive hair stylist. I've been going to one of those discount franchise places and my hair looks like it. I went to get my hair cut last week. I wanted a cute, fun, messy-ish pixie cut and I came home looking like a raggedy pinhead. A friend posted a picture that same day of her new haircut which was essentially the haircut I should have, but don't. I about cried when I did a side by side comparison. I need a pro this year. Luckily, the Hub is on board with this decision too. He's tired of me wearing a hat all the time because my hair is so crappy.

10. Keep working with Kris at Staring Line Fitness. It's been a week since I've worked out with Kris and she's going to be mad when I show up in my fat sweat pants, because my skinnier ones don't fit again after my holiday eating fest. But I'm ready to get back to work.

11. And one last one . . .

Thank you Moms Who Drink and Swear!

Happy New Year! What are your resolutions?

Weekly Wrap Up 11.25.12

Did you guys have a Happy Thanksgiving?  We had a good holiday over here.  We ended up with 21 people at my house on Thursday.  Not too bad.  Lucky for me my family all pitched in and we ended up having a pretty relaxing day.  Of course, our Elf on the Shelf came out on Thursday night and I've already forgotten to move them.  Yup - I said, "them."  This year we have another Elf - a girl Elf now.  We received her as a gift, because I didn't have enough elves to move.  This morning I was perusing Facebook before the kids woke up and I saw the word "bastard" in someone's status update and it reminded me to go move that little bastard and his girlfriend!  It's going to be a long Christmas season if this is any indication.

Black Friday Weekend Book Sale!!!

99 CENTS FOR THE E-BOOK!

Happy Black Friday!  I know it's not a real holiday for anyone, but for me and my mother it is.  This year I died a little inside because when I looked at all the flyers yesterday after my pie coma set in I realized there wasn't a darn thing out there that would force me to roll out of bed at 3 AM and sharpen my elbows.  I feel good and well rested this morning.  I've never felt this good on Black Friday!

In honor of my love of Black Friday I have lowered the e-book edition of my book SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT to 99 CENTS!

Want to know where to get it?  Here you go:

KINDLE - CLICK HERE.

NOOK - Buy it at SMASHWORDS.

APPLE PEOPLE - Buy it at SMASHWORDS for your iPad and iPhone and iTouch.

SONY READER - Buy it at SMASHWORDS.

KOBO - CLICK HERE.

If you have an iPad or iPhone, you can download the Kindle app and get it from Amazon CLICK HERE.

If you don't have an e-reader you can download a PDF HERE and read it on your computer.

If you still want a copy of the paperback, that is available at Amazon and if you want to have a signed paperback copy, that can be ordered as well.  CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS.



WANT SOME OTHER BOOK DEALS?

I'm not the only author dropping prices today, my friend Denise Grover Swank who writes a lot of fantastic YA and mystery is also dropping the prices on some of her books today.  Check out Denise's blog for a list of other sale books!

If you or someone you know LOVES a GREAT deal and great BOOKs, please share this post.

Want My Book for Free? How About a Kindle Fire?

The holiday season is fast upon us.  Do you realize Thanksgiving is next week??  I will have twenty or so of my closest family members descending upon my house in one week's time and I have done nothing yet to even prepare.  Does sliced turkey from the deli and instant potatoes from a box count as a Thanksgiving dinner?

A Little Update

Hey everybody, I wanted to give you an update on my book!  Nook is STILL not ready yet.  I've been in touch with B&N daily and they keep telling there is a technical glitch of some kind on their end and they're "working on it."  Once Nook is up and running I will let you know.

Book sales are going well.  I'm really excited that so many of you have already purchased the book.  Thank you, thank you!  World domination is in my sights.  I can now say I am an "Amazon Best Seller."  The beauty of Amazon is they have about a bazillion different categories where you can classify your books and so you can always feel like you're rocking at least one category.  As of right this moment I am in the Top 10 of TWO humor categories.  Look out Parenting & Family Humor, I aim to be number one in your category!  Boom.

My Book is Ready for Purchase!!

The book is available!!  I thought the book cover announcement was exciting, but I'm going to go ahead and say this is more exciting.

OK, so it's a bit confusing and I'll do my best to explain it to you.  Please try and follow my ramblings because I have no idea how to make a flow chart.

Let's start with the easiest one:

NOOK - Sorry, it's not available yet for Nook.  The Nookers are taking their sweet time getting it set up on their site and I have no idea when they'll be ready.  I'll keep you posted once I know more.

KINDLE - If you'd like to download it RIGHT NOW then just go ahead and click this link and I'll see you when you're done reading.

PAPERBACK BOOK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR - You don't have a Kindle or a Nook or any other device you'd like to read on?  Are you a book sniffer who loves the smell of a new book?  Then this is the option for you.  You can order a copy here and it will be sent to you in a few days.

My Book Cover is Done!

It's happening!  I am sitting here tonight looking at the brand new cover design for my BOOK!!!  I can not even begin to tell you guys how excited I am.  Isn't it perfect?  I had so many awesome submissions it was hard to choose.  In the end I chose this one, because every time I look at those carolers' heads on the floor, it makes me laugh.