No, I'm the Other Jen

A couple of weeks ago I saw Jenny Lawson post on her Facebook page that she's always surprised by how many people recommend her own book to her. Wait a minute. They do???

Actually, I'm not surprised.

You see, I possess one of THE MOST popular names of the 70s and 80s. That means millions, no BILLIONS probably, of little girls were bestowed with the name JENNIFER. If it wasn't Jennifer, then it was some kind of variation: Jenny, Jen, Jenifer, Jennafer, Jenapher, and my favorite, Jenni with an adorable "i" (dotted with a heart, of course).

My whole childhood I was referred to as "Jennimann." All one word, because I was one of many, many, many other Jen-types and none of us were allowed to be called by our first names only. When I went to college, I decided Jennimann was too babyish and I needed a more grown up name that would stand out. So I became Jenmann. Muuuuuuch better.

Weekly Wrap Up 3.24.13

I'm suffering from deja vu. In February we had a long break from school and then just when it was time to go back BAM! we got hit with a snowstorm and the kids had a bunch more days off from school. This week was Spring Break. The kids are supposed to go back to school tomorrow. Guess what came last night?? Yup. Lots and lots of snow and still more on the way. I did not get enough milk!

I know, I know. For those of you in Minnesota and Upstate New York and Canada and Russia, this seems silly, but this is Kansas. We don't do a whole lot of snow. We do tornadoes.

This week I received an email from someone claiming to be my friend who had a little "constructive criticism" for me. Then she went on for several paragraphs about how I'm "losing her," because I've become a shameless self promoter who talks about nothing except my books and that my posts are getting dark because I blogged so much about my phobias this week. And, oh yeah, my blog is ugly and it would be great if I could take all of that book money I'm earning and redesign it so it's pretty to look at. And she ended it with the fact that I could "take" or "leave" her advice, because she was "just sayin'." Ugh. Just sayin' is the absolute worst.

When I read this email, I went through a range of emotions. The first was, "Are you for real?" to "Wow, that was harsh and a bit undeserved" to "OK, really? Now, I'm just irritated."

I'm irritated, because this is not how a "friend" acts. This kind of behavior is exactly the sort of rudeness I rail against. We are not "friends" if you tell me I suck. This is not what a friend does. A friend supports another friend - even when you think I suck. A friend would send me an email that said:

Hey Jen, congratulations on your new book. Wow. A best seller in less than two weeks, huh? Fucking amazing. I'm so happy for you and so proud of what you and your friends have accomplished. This just proves to me that when women get together and support one another they can really do anything! I can't wait to get my copy and share the word with my friends who could use a good laugh. Also, I was wondering. Is everything OK with you lately? It seems like that trip to St. Louis kind of screwed with you. Who knew you were so afraid of small, dark spaces? If you need to talk, I'm here for you. I know your birthday and your two year blogging anniversary are coming up and I was wondering if you had anything special planned for the blog? Wouldn't it be cool if you did a whole re-design of it? I have lots of friends who are affordable web designers that could probably help you if you ever decided to change it. Just let me know. That's what friends are for!

See how much better that was? That's how you treat a friend. You don't tell a friend, "Your ass looks big in those leggings, just sayin'." Because that is basically what this person did. No. You say, "Hey friend, I loved how great your ass looked the other day when you wore those cute jeans. Why don't you wear those tonight instead of those leggings?"

I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I enjoy writing on my crappy looking blog (I think that the fact that it's ugly is part of its charm). I write about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's small, dark passages in a kids' "museum," sometimes it's celebrities who eat their own placentas, sometimes it's men who want to control my reproductive rights, sometimes it's overachievers ruining Valentine's Day, and sometimes it's me being an idiot. I will continue to write on this blog about whatever catches my eye and I will continue to write books.

I try to walk a very fine line between tooting my own horn and looking like an asshole, but let's face it, I'm kind of an asshole. I have been from day one. I've never tried to pretend like I'm not. If I don't promote myself, who will? I've never been a humble bragger. I am just straight up braggadocious. And you know what? I'm excited! I have had two books now that have been best sellers. That's a big damn deal to someone who is trying to call herself a writer. Of course I'm going to talk about them! Why wouldn't I? Anyone would. I wonder if this woman has a best selling book? Just sayin'.

Now. Let's forget her and move on to some more shameless self promotion to really piss her off:

If you live in the Kansas City area then you have two opportunities to come out and see me! I've created two Events on the Facebook page where you can RSVP and get the details.

Book Signing at Mommy Shop - April 27 from 10 am to 12 pm I will be signing copies of I Just Want to Pee Alone at the Mommy Shop in Overland Park with my Bic Lady Pen. I will be joined by my co-authors, Tara of You Know it Happens at Your House Too and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs. Mommy Shop is putting on a bit of a to-do. They'll have mimosas and muffins and swag bags if you're one of the first to arrive. Please come and see us so that we're not sitting there all alone getting drunk on all of those mimosas. Please RSVP so we know how many to expect.

Listen to Your Mother - May 11 from 7 pm to 9 pm I will be appearing live and on stage at the Unity Temple on the Plaza in a fancy new pair of Crocs. There are several writers who will be reading that night and I'm not sure what they have in store, but I will be reading something hilarious and funny, so be sure to wear your Depends. I will be terrified, so I'll probably wear Depends too, just in case. I'm also thinking that if there is any interest, I'll plan an after the performance get together on the Plaza. Like another Friend's Night thing. You can buy your tickets to LTYM here.

I Just Want to Pee Alone is still available for sale (nope, I didn't stop selling it after my friend told me I talked about it too much). Do you have your copy yet? Still on the fence? Here are a couple of reviews to check out to help you make up your mind:

Crappy Pictures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

The Sweet Chick's book review

And this happened this week:

Swoon.

I met The Bloggess and gushed like a freaking fan girl. I practically cried. I waited for three hours to get her signature (but it was fine, because I was kid-free and I brought a book to read - bliss). She is a rock star and an inspiration to funny women everywhere. I also managed to slip a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone into her hands for a little light reading for her plane ride home.

Top Read Posts This Week:

This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us - I can't decide if this place is fun or a torture chamber.

Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch - The next time a troll tells me I don't love my kids, I will refer them to this post.

Why I Don't Want Another Baby - I love babies, but I love them more when they're someone else's.

Companies Who Think Women are Dolts - First there were lady pens and now toy companies think women don't know how to play with cars.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

I went up with me husband, our 4 month old, and some random other couple. We JUST get in and my son messes his diaper- big time, to this day it was still the worst diaper blowout ever. Trapped in a pod...my hubs says oh gonna change him? How is that going to work, we are shoved in here T2A with complete strangers...excuse me we haven't met, is it okay if I stretch my sons poop smeared legs across your lap while I clean him up? Oh no? We sat there in silence as we SLOWWWWLY crept up the arch and the smell crept crept up our nostrils. When the door opened the other couple busted out of there like there was a fire. Welcome to St. Louis ya'll! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

I think that you've got the theme for your next book started! "Move Over - I Think I'm Gonna Hurl!: Stories of Family Trips in America" Should be a best seller, based on this start! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

You know when you look out those windows on the way up and there is that rickety staircase just in case of power failure or whatever? Well, about 20 years ago, I had to get OUT of one of those stupid cars about 2/3 of the way up and WALK DOWN. I was sure that I was going to die - fireman help or not. (Power outage - they let us out after nearly 45 minutes of sitting there in the dark). Never. ever. again. on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

That sounds like a place I could say to my husband - "Hey - I heard about this awesome thing in St. Louis. Maybe you and the little man should have a guys' weekend." Then I would do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hmmmmm on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

While I can relate to the phobia's, I LOVE the City Museum and so do my kids. It is one of the coolest places in the world. You will never see anything like it again. And please tell me you found 10 story slide...and the bar. You know they sell booze there, right?!? on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Sadly, I did not know this. This is why they need a damn map!!

Jesus, sounds and looks like something from the set of "Escape From New York." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Thanks for the review, now I know where to take my husband when I'm ready for him to die. That would definitely kill him "naturally." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

It doesn't come pre-loaded with the Period Tracker app? Assholes. And, if I had been invited to the Hot Wheels Training Whateverthefeck Thing, I would've just sat there, running the cars into my head and asking them why they have to make things so complicated. Assholes. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

If I had been a blogger and been invited, I might have gone. Just to embarrass them (and myself, probably). I'd have the car wheels-up, then look to the closest man "Mine's broken. Could a big strong man like you help widdle biddy ol' me? What? Those round things go on the ground? That's so smart. Are you a doctor?" on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

Barbara the Builder! She would have a spatula and a glue gun. Also a mirror b/c a lady should look her best. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts


I would love to get down on the floor with little Nathan Jr. to play vroom vroom but I'm wearing my ePad Femme. It's highly absorbent but makes it hard to sit down. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts


Oh man! Her Wheelz? Don't just give away those golden ideas for nuttin' yo! that shit is brilliant! onCompanies Who Think Women are Dolts 


The trademark is in the works!

Step One of My World Domination Plan

So my world domination plan is starting in early May.  I'm going to be interviewed by a local NPR radio station (I have to start somewhere and Ellen and Anderson Cooper still haven't called).

An intern did a preliminary interview with me to make sure I actually have something to say that's interesting.  One of the questions she asked me was:  What is your specialty?  What makes you different than the other "mommy bloggers" out there.

I am a mom.  I blog.  Does that really make me a mommy blogger?  

Ugh.  Can't you just ask me about my closet?

It got me thinking about the big bloggers out there.  The bloggers who have the sort of success that I dream about.  What makes them different from one another?  I know what makes them similar.  They're all great story-tellers with powerful voices who like to mix a little humor with a side of serious and/or heartwarming.

Let's see, there's:

1.  The Pioneer Woman.  PW's blog isn't a blog anymore, it's truly an Empire, with a capital "E."  She has books, television shows, recipes, photos, homeschooling tips, the proper cowboy wife etiquette tips, and more.  My suspicion is that Ree Drummond is a droid.  She's like the Plucky, Down Home Model of the Martha Stewart robot.  The Pioneer Woman is just like Martha Stewart, if MS was friendly, unafraid of needless calories and farmed in Oklahoma instead of Connecticut.  Truly, is there anything PW cannot do?   Even her dog wrote a book!  (Mothra's won the Westminster Dog Show, I'm sure his book detailing his trials and tribulations to get that blue ribbon will be out soon.)

To me, PW comes across as the patron saint of the overachievers mixed with Bella Swan.  I just read her memoir and all she wrote about was what brand name clothes she wore on her dates with her cowboy (Who wears heels to a ranch?), the fancy food she cooked for her hungry, hard working man (Of course of he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy - why did that surprise you?) and how clumsy she was around his virile, masculine body (How many times can she almost fall down and be rescued by his strong, ropy, muscular arms?  Almost as many times as Bella was kept safe by Edward.)    


2.  The Bloggess.  AKA the "One I Aspire to Be."  Hands down, The Bloggess is the funniest blogger out there (says the second funniest).  I had the Elf on the Shelf, which was a cute little viral post, but she had the epic viral post about Beyonce, which still makes me laugh every time I think Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Jenny Lawson is my kind of mom.  I would love to hang out at a playgroup with her, especially if she brought her one of a kind Mommy business cards.  The Bloggess has a gift for connecting with her readership and getting them to do some crazy shit.  Like take pictures of themselves with balls of twine, send around a red dress for everyone to share, buy Christmas presents for needy families, and bring big metal chickens with them to book signings (her book dropped earlier this month and I'm devastated that Kansas City is not on the book tour).  She also has an animal fixation, only hers are dead.  She collects taxidermied animals and dresses them up and turns their images into greeting cards.


3.  Dooce.  Even though PW and The Bloggess have bigger audiences, Dooce is the mother of us all.  Heather Armstrong started blogging back in the day when no one even knew what blogging was.  Even back then, I remember my sister in law telling me how funny Dooce was.  I started reading and I got hooked.  Her dog also has his own tab on her blog.  (What's with these girls and their dogs?  Hmm....maybe I need a dog.)  She writes about everything from getting fired for writing about her co-workers to depression to building furniture from Ikea (gotta love the blatant product placements) and now she's been writing lately about how emotionally spent she is with everything going on in her personal life (her new book came out this month and she's getting divorced).

4.  Scary Mommy.  When I think about it, I honestly don't think I've read anything that Jill Smokler has written.  She says she writes about the fact that parents don't have to be perfect - I like that, but I can't really find stuff she's written!  I've been to her site numerous times and every time I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of information there.

She has giveaways, she has a forum where people can chat, a place where parents can confess their parenting sins, and she encourages you to buy her book.  I heard her book that just came out is really good.  (Apparently I missed the memo that mommy blogger books are supposed to be released in April - hopefully I'll get the memo for April 2013.)

I do like that she was part of the "most revolutionary social media campaign ever" when she teamed up with Target and let readers pick her outfits.  It was really fun, actually.  I tried to pick the strangest outfits, just because I thought it would be funnier.  My strategy didn't work.  She looked great in anything they put her in.  She has set the bar high, but I intend to clear it easily when I launch my most revolutionary social media campaign ever when I partner with Honda and get a badass Odyssey minivan.

These are the 4 that I think of when I think of successful Mommy Bloggers, although they're all so much more than that.  Now, back to the interviewer's question:  What makes me different?

Well, let's start with who I am and what I write about.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I started this blog about a year ago now and I never know what I'm going to write about - it depends upon my mood.  Usually, it's things that piss me off.  Sometimes it's celebrities, sometimes it's politicians, sometimes it's the guy standing in front of me at McDonald's who can't decide what he wants for lunch ("Uhh...what's good here?") and sometimes it's the Hubs.  I try to temper my rants with humor and every now and again I show a bit of my compassionate side.  I don't want it to get out that I have a heart, though - it's bad for business.

I think I'm different from the mega-bloggers, because I'm not as nice as they are.  No one has the scorched earth policy that I have.  I am not afraid to say anything.  It's like I've said before, I'm a bullshit caller.  I don't let people get away with silliness (myself included).  Plus, there is nothing off-limits on my blog.  I let the Hubs write about my jungle, for goodness sake!  Let's see Dooce do that.  When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think.  Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person.

I read these blogs and I learn from them and I'm inspired by them (and, it must be said, sometimes I want to punch them in the throat), but I won't copy their style.  I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make.  I will never host decorating segments slash advertisements for Ikea on HGTV.  I will never appear on the Today show and kiss Ann's ass when she interviews me about my book (that she obviously hasn't read).  No, if I appear on the Today show, I want to drink wine at 10 am with Hoda and Kathie Lee and thank them for inspiring my first post.  I think it would be great if they put us in a boxing ring and really let us try to punch each other.  I will never get a dog and let it have a tab on my blog - letting the Hubs guest post is close enough.  I will always take crappy pictures with my cell phone camera, because I'm way too lazy to get out the "real" camera.  Besides, I don't want to get so that my photographs are so great looking, they detract from my words.  (Ha.)

I want my success on my own terms.  We all have our own schtick and we appeal to people, because we're not phony (although PW is really starting to become a "persona" rather than a person anymore).  That's what makes them different and that's what makes me different.  You can't put these girls in any one category and I'm proud to say, you can't put me in any one category either.