Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"

In honor of Valentine's Day this week, the Hubs has submitted a guest post for today.  He has no filter (this is the man who called our neighbor's 2 year old a liar) so this should be interesting.  I've given him absolute freedom to write whatever's on his mind without any edits from me.  So here you go:

Hypochondriac Hubs

Today the Hubs is sick.  It started yesterday when he woke up and complained of full body aches.  I honestly didn't believe him.  We had an early day yesterday and I really thought he was trying to get out of helping with the morning routine.  He's just such a baby when he's sick it's hard to know when you can believe him.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office?  Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly.  The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene.  Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.

Douchey Dad Revisited

'Guest post from The Hubs'

Apparently Jen hit a douchey nerve with her previous post.

I had no idea Jen had so many Douchey Dad readers and that they cared so much what she thinks or writes.  Before Jen started writing I never even heard of or read a blog before.  I think I was too busy on the golf course with my Douchey Dad friends.  Now that she has found a great audience and her voice, I fully support her writing and her sharp wit - even if she makes me look like a bitch sometimes.

How Best to Control Your Kids

No children were harmed during this photoshoot

Guest post from the Hubs AKA "The Law" about his "Forceful" parenting style.

Lots of parents wonder why my kids are so well behaved and get 100's on their spelling tests.  Well, I thought I share my secrets to raising great kids.  I have seen those other asshat parents all over the media about how to control their kids.  Tiger mom, Wolf dad and the new entry Pistol Packing Papa. They go to such extremes to control their kids.  In reality, it is not so hard to control them and get them to do what you want.

Two simple words: Bribery and Blackmail.  Yes, I did say bribery and blackmail.  Let me explain myself before everyone tells me I am a bad dad and that my children are having a terrible childhood.

The Hubs' Memory

Tonight the Hubs told me I reminded him of Dorothy Parker.

"Who is that?" I asked. "Didn't they make a movie about her starring Halle Berry?"

"No.  That was Dorothy Dandridge."

I've never even seen the outside of this place, let alone the inside.

"OK, then I don't know who Dorothy Parker was."

Help! My Kids are Turning into Cheap Bastards!

"I think you can get one more wipe out of this, Jen." - the Hubs

Every summer I send my kids to Vacation Bible School (VBS). Every year the church adopts a different charity to raise money and/or supplies for. This year was no different. This year they picked a local charity that offers basic necessities to needy children in the community. Each night the kids were encouraged to bring different items to donate.

My mom usually takes the kids to VBS for me. When she brought them home on the first night, they entered the house deep in a serious discussion.

"He won't do it," Gomer insisted.

My mom replied, "Well, let's just ask him and see."

"You can ask, but I don't think he will," Adolpha said, shaking her head.

"What's going on?" I asked. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Tomorrow is toilet paper day," Gomer explained. "We're supposed to bring toilet paper to donate to the kids, but I told Grandma that Dad will never let us do it."

"Nope," agreed Adolpha. "Dad will say toilet paper is too expensive."

Happy Father's Day!

Today is Father's Day and I should probably write something sappy like the Hubs did earlier this week.

Eh, I don't know that's so not my style, but never say never, I guess.

The kids and I stopped at the local small town Wal-Mart on our way home from camp to buy some Father's Day cards.  I was looking at Father's Day cards at the store and I realized holy crap cards have become expensive.  When did that happen?  My kids kept grabbing 5 and 6 dollar cards!

Especially for my dad.  I don't think he saves any card we give him, so the hell I'm going to spend 5 bucks on a card that he's just going to toss.  Instead, I'll send him an Amazon gift card (note to self: order Amazon gc when this post is finished) and he can buy whatever new spy novel or 1,000 page historical fiction book he would like.  Done and done.

10 Things I Want My Kids to Be

Today the Hubs is guest posting. He doesn't usually write, but when he does he's always got a lot to say. Please read it and if you like it, let him know because he loves a good comment as much as the next person. 

My kids are heading back to school and I can't be there with them. I can't hold their hands in the hall or join them for lunch. I won't always be there to influence their decisions and their choices. I can only do my best to teach them and to prepare them. This is the advice I have used to try and instill the qualities I think they need to be a better version of themselves:

1.  Be fearless. Don't spend your life in fear of the unknown.  You should not be afraid of the unknown.  You should embrace the unknown as new adventures in your life.

2.  Be strong.  Be strong in spirit, body and mind.  I not saying I want you to be pumping iron and do 100 push ups a day, but to be strong in everything you do.  To be strong in mind and spirit and don't give up on anything you try and to persevere through the difficult things in your life. 

The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot

The other day the Hubs was scrolling though some of the Twitter profiles of my readers.  He does this on occasion.  It's actually very helpful usually because it's always good to know who's following you.  Today he stopped short when he found one:

Hubs:  Whoa.

Me:  What?

Hubs:  Nothing.

Me:  What?  Is it a famous person?  Am I finally going to get my own Wil Wheaton?

Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition

Today the Hubs and I went to the library to get some work done. The Hubs doesn't really enjoy reading, but he does like to peruse the newspaper and magazine section at the library. At one point, he came back with the latest edition of Sports Illustrated. You know this edition, the one without any sports in it - unless painting bathing suits on naked girls is considered a sport now.

Of course I've heard about this magazine, but I've actually never looked at it before. Holy shit. That magazine is a rag. Have you seen this so-called swim suit edition? Half of the swim suits are painted on (really) and a few times girls are wearing a wool scarf that cover their nether regions or a mesh half shirt thingy. I'm always looking for new ways to wear my scarves and somehow I'd missed this on Pinterest!

Who knew a scarf was so versatile? It keeps your neck warm and you keeps you modestly covered at the beach!

I spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer and I have to say I (thankfully) have never seen the scarf-suit before. I can't imagine it would offer much support.

Looking at page after glossy page of nearly naked women really got me angry.

Where's our swim suit edition? It's so unfair. You go to any R-rated movie and you see boobs and bush, but you're lucky to glimpse the male star's tush. I went to Magic Mike and I had to endure a bunch of "I love you mans" and sweaty bro hugs just so I could barely glimpse a prosthetic penis and watch Channing Tatum gyrate in a baggy pair of sweats. So not cool!

"What gives?" I asked the Hubs.

"You get underwear ads," he said. Then he explained to me that the naked female form is more attractive than the naked male form. 

I don't doubt that, but still, it's not fair! If the girls have to show theirs, then the men should too!

I'm ready to find a magazine at the library that is a swim suit edition where the men shave their balls and have them painted to look like bananas laying limply across their leg. Or see the men lounging on a beach wearing nothing but a mesh marble sack.


Photo source

Who is The HUBS??

I guess I learn something everyday.  Here are some odd things about The HUBS.  Guest post today.

If you are reading this list, that means you have come here to learn some unknown and obscure facts about me.  Some of these facts are so obscure even my wife does not know.

I will tag some other bloggers and hope they will post some sort of list that will reveal some interesting, random, or obscure facts about themselves.  This is a great way to know someone a little bit better.

What the Hubs Thought We'd Do All Day While the Kids are at School

I wrote about what my kids think the Hubs and I do all day while they're at school.  They were sad to find out that I spend most of the day working on the computer and/or doing laundry.

The Hubs was also a bit disappointed when he realized that's what we were going to do all day while the kids were away.  Apparently he had big plans for us.

In addition to our work and laundry duties, here is what the Hubs thought we'd do all day while the kids were at school:

1.  Nooner.  It doesn't necessarily need to transpire at noon.  He's open to mornings as well.

2.  Eat.  He works up an appetite when he's so . . . physical.  He'd like to eat out most days.  Preferably someplace without a kid's menu OR gorge himself on free samples at Costco and/or Sam's Club - ladies' choice.

3.  Nap.  What else is there to do when you've already accomplished 1 and 2 on the list?

The Hubs Has Become THAT Parent

As you know by now, I am working feverishly on my book.  I am planning to have it ready by the fall so I don't have time for much else right now.  Lucky for me, the Hubs stepped in and offered me a guest post that I really loved.  - Jen

I have a confession to make.  I have become THAT parent.  You know the type.  Loud, obnoxious, screaming at their kid at the soccer field.  Yes, I have become that guy.  If you ever knew me in person, you would understand how unlikely this is.  I am not into sports.  Maybe some table tennis and a competitive game of darts and billiards, but I never played any sort of sport in a competitive team environment.  Sports did not interest me, I guess I was too busy exercising my hand eye coordination killing Space Invaders and trying to topple that angry Donkey Kong. 

Score, score, score

PIWTPITT Road Trip 2012 - The Road to Pimpdom

Today is a busy day for the fam.  We are getting ready to hit the road tomorrow.  We've decided to take The Badass Minivan on a road trip.  (A lot of you are new and have no idea why I'm putting so much emphasis on my vehicle - read here to catch up.)  The SAV (Suburban Assault Vehicle) has done nicely getting me to and from the movies, the pool and various playdates, but now I'm ready to test it out on the open road.

I won't say where I'm going...yet.  I will say it's a long ride and I'm glad the minivan has a cooler for juice pouches - I just wish it had an onboard bathroom too.

We leave at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow (in this house that means 8ish) and I'll be on Twitter all day giving live updates.  Be sure to click here and follow me on Twitter so you can be in the know.

Since I will be in the front seat and won't be able to watch "Chipwrecked" two times in a row on the wide screen in the back, I'll be entertaining myself on Twitter all the way to my destination:

I'll be giving clues as to where we're going - I'm going some place where it's illegal to tease skunks.

I'll play "Name that Song" with my favorite 80s station on the XM Radio - Darken the city, night is a wire/Steam in the subway, earth is a afire

I will tweet stupid shit the Hubs says when he's driving, like this gem - "You fell asleep and I got lost.  It's your fault. You should have been awake to tell me where to go."  (Luckily, we have built in GPS this time around.)

Adolpha and Gomer updates - "Are we there yet?", "I'm hungry.", "I need a bathroom.", "Mommy, are you blogging about us again?"

And of course, I'll be pimping out shit the whole way:  what I love about the 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite (it's more than just a pretty cup holder), my favorite blog posts from my archives, my favorite blog posts of other blogs I read, and of course, a question and answer time with me and the Hubs.

So do yourself a favor and clear your schedule now and be sure to follow me on Twitter for 8 hours of non stop, action packed, amazing and unpredictable exciting self promotion and pimpage unlike you have ever seen before (and, oh yeah, don't forget to follow the repeat on the journey home).  

Extreme Couponing

If you don't know yet, I'll tell you:  the Hubs is CHEAP!  I mean, REALLY, REALLY cheap.  He manages to get free magazine subscriptions, he saves us tons of money on electronics by doing his research and price comparisons, he only buys clothes from the clearance rack WITH a coupon and he will only eat out at restaurants he has coupons for or that have a Dollar Menu he can order from.

That being said, he started bugging me about "Extreme Couponing", I think.  He's telling me how we could be getting thousands of dollars of groceries every year for pennies on the dollar if we'd just "clip a couple coupons" like these people.

Today I had a little time so we sat down to watch the show.  About halfway through I wanted to punch the Hubs in the throat.  If he thinks we're going to do this, he's NUTS.

These people have a SERIOUS problem.  I predict they will end up on a very special "Hoarders:  Buried Alive Under Reynold's Wrap & Crest Toothpaste".  I truly believe these people are mentally ill.  The sickest out of the 4 they profiled lives in a 3 bedroom home where 2 of the bedrooms as well as her husband's "man cave" have become stockpile rooms.  The 2 bedrooms look pretty organized and tidy with everything arranged neatly on shelves, but the man cave is just piled high with plastic grocery bags.  It's like Hoarders Lite in that house.  This is the same woman who spent $70 ordering coupons (who the hell even know you could do that??) from a coupon clipping service so she could get 150 candy bars for free.  She brags that she spends 70 hours a week couponing.  Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at math, but I got out my trusty calculator and I did some figuring.  If you take the 70 hours she spends couponing PLUS the 40 hours she claims to work at a real job that only leaves a little over 8 hours a day for sleeping/eating/socializing/pooping.  I just don't think that math adds up!  When does she find the time to eat her 150 candy bars??  On shopping day she actually has to take a vacation day from work to spend 6-8 hours at the grocery store.  WTF???

I also get irritated when these Extreme Couponers claim how much they save by clipping coupons.  None of them take into account the $70-100 they PAY the clipping services.  Or the fact that they have 10 newspaper subscriptions so they can get coupons.  That's gotta come off your bottom line people - it's an expense.  I'm still impressed you managed to get $600 worth of groceries for $90, just don't tell me you only paid $20.

One woman doesn't order coupons she gets them the old fashioned way:  Dumpster diving.  She even had fancy looking gloves just for her Dumpster diving (I wonder if she used a coupon to buy those).

And don't even get me started on the narrator!  "Susie waits nervously for the coupons to start coming off her total.  If she's miscalculated anywhere she could end up owing more money than she has brought with her!"  Seriously?  Have you never gone to checkout at the grocery store and realized you didn't have enough money?  It's not like the Manager says, "Put on an apron and start bagging groceries, lady.  Someone's gotta pay for that ice cream!"  The drama is comical.  "Susie starts to sweat.  Something's gone terribly wrong.  The computer has frozen.  What will she do now with her 9 carts of groceries?"  Uhhh....walk away and say I'll try again tomorrow?  Don't worry, don't worry, it all worked out for Susie.  Four store employees put their heads together for 2 HOURS and finally came up with the brilliant plan of splitting her order into more manageable sizes so the computer could handle it.  I'm sure Corporate will be happy to see those productive hours!

Hey, I love a sale as much as the next person.  I will use a coupon at my favorite stores like Hobby Lobby, Gymboree and Macy's.  My problem is, I rarely see a grocery coupon for stuff I like.  I don't like Hunt's Ketchup (I'm a Heinz kinda girl) and I don't care if Hunt's will pay me a buck to take it out the store I won't buy it.  (Actually, that's not true.  If I had 300 Hunt's coupons that I found in a Dumpster and had a grocery store that doubled  my coupon and I ended up making money, I'd take the Hunt's out of the store and put it on Craigslist and sell it for half price and make more money 'cause I'd rather make money than save money.)

How much toothpaste can one family need?  What are they stockpiling it for??  Are they waiting for Armageddon??  They talk a lot about being able to live off of their cache for one or two years if necessary.  Yeah, if all you wanted to eat was deodorant, cat food, Barilla pasta, Gatorade, and Butterfingers.

One person on my Facebook summed it up perfectly: "these people are hoarders and thieves."  I agree completely and I have no desire to spend 70 flipping hours a week hoarding and thieving.

In the end, the Hubs and I compromised:  anytime he wants to go Dumpster diving for coupons, he's welcome to try it (because I refuse to subscribe to the paper or coupon clipping services) but if he brings home Hunt's Ketchup he has to eat it all.

Where is the line between being a cheap bastard and being frugal? Let me know.

Top 5 Ridiculously Unbelievable Babies

The Hubs has been surfing Youtube.  Here is what he found.

I have been seeing lots of videos of babies/kids doing the most amazing or as Jen would say "overachieving" things.  Here are the top 5 in my opinion.  I hope my kids will do some amazing things one day, but they have not done ANYTHING like these kids yet - so who knows?

1. Baby Felicity.  She can not only read at 1 year old, but she can read in both English and Chinese.  If anyone knows anything about Chinese (which I do, of course), it is a very difficult language to read.  Each character has to be memorized and the language has about 80,000 individual characters to memorize.  Felicity seems like a very sweet girl and her parents are obviously working hard with her to start reading at such a young age.  I guess that spot at Harvard will be taken.  Gomer and Adolpha will have to go elsewhere.

2. Baby Makena. She can sing Adele.  Yes, she can sing Adele.  She is cute, has great style, can carry a tune and sings with real emotion!  I wish I could sing as well as this kid.  Hey Makena, when that cute 3 year old breaks your heart, don't worry, just sing about it and make millions.  You don't need a man!

3. Baby Shakira. I think this one is my favorite!  I don't know the baby's real name, but she can shake it like Shakira.  I know my hips can never move like that.  I love the head wear she is sporting.  And I love the fact that the other kid in the video in the background couldn't be bothered to even look up.  She is obviously bored by the whole thing.  Don't be a hater little girl!

4. Baby Myra.  This 20 month old baby is not afraid of heights or water.  She is jumping off the diving board and loving every minute.  Baby Myra is amazing because I still won't jump off the diving board into 13 feet of water.  The thing I really love about the video is that we get to meet BUG and BUNNY.  

5. Giuliano Stroe.  Ok, to be fair, this kid is NOT a baby, but he can do something that I am pretty sure no one else reading this can do.  A sideways pull up or push up.  I can't even hold myself up sideways, let alone do 30 pull ups.  Giuliano holds many world records as the strongest kid.  No doubt.  If you watch all his videos, you will see that his dad works with him all the time and he loves it. Now if they only made a Xbox Kinnect game that can simulate the sideways push up, I bet I can get Gomer and Adlopha to crank out a few.