Ladies, Stop Steaming Your Vaginas

Last week, I had to hop a plane to DC for a couple of days. I had a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. And then I realized it was only because I was traveling alone! For once, I only had to worry about myself instead of keeping track of my kids and all their crap. Or so I thought...

It wasn't until I got to my hotel and fired up my computer and saw the breaking international news that Gwyneth Paltrow is steaming her vagina (I assume with a side of broccoli - that girl is a vegan multi-tasker) that I realized what I had forgotten. The little blinking light in the corner of the screen told me that my battery was low and the end was near. My computer would shut down in 1 minute unless I plugged it in. I reached into my empty bag and discovered that I'd left my cord at home.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

How could the universe conspire against me like this? GWYNETH is STEAMING her VAGINA and I haven't got a computer that works!!

Things I Could do Before I had Children

I had a make over last night with some of my girl friends.  We got our hair styled and we got our make up done and then we went out for dinner.  Whoohoo!!

Sitting in the chair at the salon, the hair stylist noted that my hair style is "cute."  She said, "Do you always wear it so.....flippy?"  Why yes I do, I thought flippy was in.  Is it not??  She said, "It's OK, we can tone it down a bit with the straightening iron."  She proceeded to straighten the shit out of my hair and make it smoke (literally).  When she was done, she said, "There.  Now you don't look so much like a mom!"

I moved over to the make up chair and this woman was not as diplomatic.  She said, "I'm going to have to do something about your brows."  Oh yeah, I need to get them waxed.  "Yes, you do.  Soon.  I'll do what I can.  In the meantime, let's draw attention to your eyes so the brows don't stand out so much."  I told her to break out a new bottle of concealer, because I was gonna need it.  She chuckled, but didn't argue with me.

So Middle-Aged Women are Baring All for Football

Okay, so if you've been following me for a while, then you know that I live in Kansas City. I don't know if you heard or not, but the Kansas City Chiefs (our football team for the unsporty folks like myself) are going to the Super Bowl for the first time in like 1,000 years or something.

Because it's been 1,000 years since we've been, our city is losing its damn mind. Everywhere you go has Chiefs' paraphernalia for purchase. Every. Where. The usual places like sporting goods stores, but also drug stores, grocery stores, and yesterday I saw some dude on a corner selling stuff out of the trunk of his car. Flags are flying on houses, businesses, and cars. Everywhere you go someone asks, "How 'bout them Chiefs?" and you're supposed to nod along and say, "Yup. How 'bout 'em?"

Of Course Gwyneth Has a Candle that Smells Like Her Vagina

Source: Goop

You guys, I was just saying I wanted to get back to blogging. I was like, "I should blog again!" And then immediately, I was like, "Ugh, what would I even talk about?"

And then the clouds parted and the Blogging Gods allowed the planets to align into two of my favorite topics: Gwyneth Paltrow and vaginas. It's a sign!

Here's the thing, I was ready to call a truce with Gwyneth Paltrow the other night. Yeah, we've been locked in a one-sided feud since she started steaming her vagina and consciously uncoupling. It's been a bitter fight...even though she has no idea who I am...nor does she care what I think of her life. Or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Damn, in many ways we really should all aspire to be like Gwyneth! Aside from her terrible "health" advice, of course. Anyhoo, I saw her on the red carpet at the Golden Globes and even though she was dressed like a steamboat madam, I had to give her props because she looked ah-may-zing. I don't know if it was the jade egg jammed up her hooha or the daily two-hour workouts with18k gold dumbells, but something is working! I knew exactly how good she looked because the gunny sack she was wearing was essentially see-through and you could see every one of her abs. Her skin was gorgeous and even in 4K I couldn't spot a wrinkle. I was like, "Okay, Gwynnie, I bow down. You're aging terrifically and all your woo-woo magic beans are working."

BUT THEN she went and released a $75 candle that smells like her vagina and now our feud is back on.

I mean, come on! First, who pays $75 for a candle? I just went to the mega candle sale at Bath & Beauty Works and snagged a dozen for that price. Second, who is buying these? Who wants that?? After I got home from BBW I realized I barely want a candle that smells like cookies, I certainly don't want one that smells like Gwynnie's muffin!

This vag candle sounds like a total bust. I bet Gwyneth loses money on this one! Oh wait, I'm being told the candle is completely sold out and there is a waiting list. God damn it, that fucking gorgeous genius strikes again! I bow down. 

This got me thinking, though. What does Gwyneth's front butt even smell like anyway? I assume it's a heady mix of patchouli, cigarette smoke, ginger, privilege, and autumnal yum. 

According to Gwyneth it's a "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent." Oh wait, that's what the candle smells like, not her coochie. I'm so confused because I thought the candle smelled like her vagina?

I'm even more confused after that description. No lady wants to be told her lady garden has an "unexpected scent." That's never a good thing, in my opinion.

And I have no idea what gorgeous or sexy smell like. But if you want to smell funny, I'm currently working on my own candle. I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Plus, my love tunnel smells unexpectedly hilarious!

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Happy New Year!!!

If you've been around me for a few New Yearseses, then you know that I don't do resolutions. My resolutions are things like drink more water and hang up my coat, because those are easy. (Says the woman looking at her coat on the floor while downing caffeine without a glass of water in sight.) This year will be no different.

Instead, I like to pick a word for every year and work on that. I did that last year, but I didn't write down the word, so I forgot what it was. It was probably "Focus." This year I'm writing down my word right here, so I won't forget.

This year my word is "Gratitude."

I'm grateful. Usually. I swear it. But for a grateful person, I bitch a lot. I'm not going to stop bitching. That would be crazy, but I am going to work on showing my gratitude more. I'm always recognizing the big stuff, but I want to work on the little things too. My husband told me that every morning he wakes up, he starts the day grateful we all made it through the night. I wake up pissed off that the birds are loud. I want to be more like him.

So, here I go! Wish me luck!

I'm grateful you're all still here. I'm grateful I've been given this opportunity to follow my dreams. I'm grateful I have a floor for my coat to lay on.

Happy 2020, Everyone!

What's your word??


P.S. - The Giveaways are closed and the winners have been notified, so check your email!! Thanks to all who participated. Keep checking back, because I had so much fun giving stuff away, I plan to do more of that this year! 

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY TWELVE!

Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Twelve!

12 Days of Giveaways! DAY ELEVEN!

Hey everyone, Happy Holidays!!

As many of you know, eight years ago I forgot to move my Elf on the Shelf. Since then I've been so lucky to live the dream I've had since I was five years old. I've been able to spend most of my days pantless, drinking tea, and dropping f-bombs like commas. When I do put on pants and leave my house (either to go out and meet you fine folks or head to my mailbox) I am always the recipient of some of the best gifts.

This year I wanted to be the one to give YOU great gifts. I've put together 12 DAYS of GIVEAWAYS and today is Day Eleven!

Every day for the next 1 day, you will have a chance to enter to win a fabulous prize, so check back every day.