Of Course Gwyneth Has a Candle that Smells Like Her Vagina

Source: Goop

You guys, I was just saying I wanted to get back to blogging. I was like, "I should blog again!" And then immediately, I was like, "Ugh, what would I even talk about?"

And then the clouds parted and the Blogging Gods allowed the planets to align into two of my favorite topics: Gwyneth Paltrow and vaginas. It's a sign!

Here's the thing, I was ready to call a truce with Gwyneth Paltrow the other night. Yeah, we've been locked in a one-sided feud since she started steaming her vagina and consciously uncoupling. It's been a bitter fight...even though she has no idea who I am...nor does she care what I think of her life. Or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Damn, in many ways we really should all aspire to be like Gwyneth! Aside from her terrible "health" advice, of course. Anyhoo, I saw her on the red carpet at the Golden Globes and even though she was dressed like a steamboat madam, I had to give her props because she looked ah-may-zing. I don't know if it was the jade egg jammed up her hooha or the daily two-hour workouts with18k gold dumbells, but something is working! I knew exactly how good she looked because the gunny sack she was wearing was essentially see-through and you could see every one of her abs. Her skin was gorgeous and even in 4K I couldn't spot a wrinkle. I was like, "Okay, Gwynnie, I bow down. You're aging terrifically and all your woo-woo magic beans are working."

BUT THEN she went and released a $75 candle that smells like her vagina and now our feud is back on.

I mean, come on! First, who pays $75 for a candle? I just went to the mega candle sale at Bath & Beauty Works and snagged a dozen for that price. Second, who is buying these? Who wants that?? After I got home from BBW I realized I barely want a candle that smells like cookies, I certainly don't want one that smells like Gwynnie's muffin!

This vag candle sounds like a total bust. I bet Gwyneth loses money on this one! Oh wait, I'm being told the candle is completely sold out and there is a waiting list. God damn it, that fucking gorgeous genius strikes again! I bow down. 

This got me thinking, though. What does Gwyneth's front butt even smell like anyway? I assume it's a heady mix of patchouli, cigarette smoke, ginger, privilege, and autumnal yum. 

According to Gwyneth it's a "funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent." Oh wait, that's what the candle smells like, not her coochie. I'm so confused because I thought the candle smelled like her vagina?

I'm even more confused after that description. No lady wants to be told her lady garden has an "unexpected scent." That's never a good thing, in my opinion.

And I have no idea what gorgeous or sexy smell like. But if you want to smell funny, I'm currently working on my own candle. I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Plus, my love tunnel smells unexpectedly hilarious!

Want more? Listen to my podcast!

Conscious Uncoupling

I woke up this morning and learned a new phrase: "Conscious Uncoupling."

Do you know what that means? For the rest of us plebeians it means "divorce." However, for my favorite tree bark indulger, Gwyneth Paltrow, it also means divorce. But because she's Gwyneth, she has to call it something deep and spiritual and meaningful. She's not just getting a divorce like the rest of you, pond scum. She's Gwyneth and she does everything in her life with purpose and integrity ... and a PR team and a hair and make up person.


I'm never surprised when a celebrity splits. I always assume they will divorce at some point. I'm just surprised in the way it's done. I was riveted when Katie escaped her gilded cage while Tom was on a remote movie location and I was fascinated by Kim Kardashian's marriage that didn't even last long enough for her to receive the first sponsorship check from her elaborate wedding.

And today it's like Christmas. Today I awoke to find the Goop site completely crashed, but luckily, the Hubs had woken earlier than me and was holding me a spot, so I got to see this conscious uncoupling up close and personal.

"I'd tap that," Chris Martin.

When you first hit Goop to read Gwyneth's statement, you're met with a pop up box encouraging you to subscribe to her site so she can sell you things like a $900 throw that your kids will surely ruin with spilled juice. Hey, I don't blame her for that. She's going to be a single mom now and she needs to make some dollars to pay for her brick pizza oven.