The 2018 Humblebrag Christmas Letter

We're so blessed to have such high-spirited children who play so well together.

Dear Family, Friends, Strangers, and Internet Stalkers,

It's that time of year again! Can you believe another year has flown by? We certainly can't! Where does the time go?

Gomer turned 14 this year. Can you believe it? Where has our baby gone? He's a typical teenager: thoughtful, generous, and loving...whenever he wants something. He's so handsome when he showers and he barely stinks anymore now that he's figured out how to use deodorant regularly.

He's gotten into gaming this year. His Call of Duty score is INsane. We're very proud of him. Jen heard about a university that is going to start offering scholarships for Esports. Fingers crossed Gomer's kill rate is high enough to qualify in case he blows the SAT.

When he's not gaming, he's playing baseball and basketball, and perfecting his Russian Gangster Pose for Instagram.

Instead of making resolutions we'll never keep, we decided to each ruminate and thoughtfully determine a word to define our goals for 2019. Gomer's word for 2019 is: Ragequit.

Adolpha is 12. Almost a teenager! Sob! She wants to be a YouTuber, but she can't decide if her channel should focus on her love of cozy onesies, squishy stuffed animals, or high-end makeup. Her smokey eye is on point and it looks incroyable with her unicorn onesies.

She's lovely, but will be absolutely stunning once we get her braces off. We could have taken two cruises for what we've spent on her mouth, but she's worth every penny. It's almost like an investment in her YouTube career. We're talking to the accountant about making orthodontia a business expense. 

She learned about male fragility this year when she joined a basketball team, and then wasn't asked back because she didn't smile at the coach enough. His feelings were terribly hurt and we're sending him thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery. (Jen would like to assure you that you needn't worry about the coach. He's still in one piece and there's no need for a welfare check.)

When she's not snuggling her stuffed animals or perfecting her winged eyeliner, Adolpha can be found on Snapchat looking like a cute dog or a Russian Gangster's Girlfriend.

Adolpha's word for 2019 is: Haul.

The Hubs has become a tech mogul this year. Well, he's on the path to becoming a tech mogul. He's been working tirelessly on his startup and devouring business books. Jen had no idea he knew how to read! For the first 15 years of their marriage, Jen was convinced he could only read headlines and captions under photos. He's read more books this year than Jen has! His company is on an upward trajectory and he's assured Jen that in the next 10 years he'll turn a profit and Fyllan will be a verb or he'll find a "real" job. When he's not reading, he's still selling houses and growth-hacking his LinkedIn.

The Hubs's word for 2019 is: Decacorn.

Jen has put on so many bras and pairs of pants and left the house this year. She knew she was a bonafide frequent flier when Southwest sent her 3 free drink coupons and Holiday Inn gave her free wi-fi and breakfast every time she stayed there. Talk about preferential treatment! That's how the elites of the world travel.

Besides pants, she's even donned some dresses. Yeah, that's right, Jen's fallen in with a philanthropic crowd that likes to frequent galas and balls. Jen is a very entertaining plus-one, or so she's been told.

She's written a lot and even started emailing her Super Friends this year. She says it's just like having thousands of Pen Pals she can email every day and describe her lunch to. She couldn't be happier. When she's not writing, publishing, speaking, signing books, or winging her way to the far reaches of suburban America, Jen can be found napping.

Jen's word for 2019 is: A-B-C.

We wish you nothing but a peaceful, joyful, and wonder-filled holiday season and a prosperous new year!

The Mann Family

Am I the Only One Who Thinks This Christmas Song is Rapey?

How is it in the 40-plus years I've been listening to Christmas music, I've never actually listened to it?

Let me explain: It was Black Friday. My mother and I were out and about maxing out our credit cards and throwing elbows for seven dollar waffle irons. After several hours of shopping, my mom faded and dropped out to go home to bed. Wussy.

The Trouble with Ta-Tas

If you follow my personal page on Facebook, then you know I had a little trouble with my boobs last week. I know, I know. I'm always having trouble with my boobs, but this was a new, even for me. My friend Nicole invited me to a fancy gala. I'm usually in pajamas on a Saturday night, but there's something about Nicole that makes willing to put on not just pants, but a dress even, and leave my house. So I said yes when she asked me. But I needed to wear a dress. I didn't want to buy a new dress and I had a dress in my closet but it needs a special low cut bra. (Side note: when you're a woman with breasts of a certain size, you need some serious structure and a low cut bra never cuts it, so I don't buy that shit on the regular. Because of this, I didn't have the right bra in my bounty of boulder holders.) So, I trekked to the mall and tried on a trillion titty traps (haha, like there'd be a trillion to choose from. There are exactly two in my size). I got the right bra but when I put it on with the dress, it was like, "Oh shit! My eyes! So. Much. Cleavage!" Basically, my boobs were poking me in the chin. And my dress was screaming, "Mercy! Mercy! I can't take anymore!" and it was popping wide open for the world to giggle at my goodies.

I realized I just needed a little tape. How do the movie stars do it when they show just enough side boob, but not all of it? How do their nipples literally hold up a dress? I figured there must be magic tape out there! So I did a Google search and I came up with something called Hollywood Fashion Secrets Tape. Aha! I knew there was something! So I bought a tin of the tape.

Here's the thing about this tape. I'm sure it works great if you're just trying to keep a small gap in your shirt closed or if you want to keep your necklace in place or something simple and easy like that. But if you're working on an engineering project that requires a third hand, this is not the tape for you.

I was devastated. So I turned to the "real" Google, my Facebook friends. I asked them, "Is there such a thing as double-sided duck tape?"

After many suggestions that included things like "rubber glue" and "Velcro strips,"  a friend told me a secret: "I used to work in a bridal store and we gave brides rolls of double-sided carpet tape and called it 'dress tape.'"

WHAAAAAT??? That sounded like just the thing I needed, but I knew I'd need help, so I contacted my sister-in-law Ida.

Ida isn't an engineer or a fashion designer or anything like that, but Ida is the person I call when I need shit done, especially if it involves my boobs.

Wait. That didn't sound right. Maybe I should explain.

Let me take you back many, many, many years ago. Ugh, so many years ago. Remember how young we were, Ida?? It was my first time meeting Ida. In those days she was my brother's girlfriend and they were serious, but I didn't know yet she'd be my sister-in-law. I'd flown into town for a wedding and I'd tried to pack light. I thought one bra for the entire weekend would suffice. I'd forgotten that the dress I'd packed for the weekend required a special bra. The special bra would minimize (aka SQUEEEEZE) my boobs to smaller size and allow me to button the front of the dress. My normal bra was like, "Fuck that, I need my space" and would not allow the front of the dress to button.

And so I found myself locked in my brother's bathroom topless and panicking. I'd brought nothing else even remotely appropriate for a wedding. I didn't have time to run out to the nearest department store, get measured, and hope I'd find another bra that would wrangle my girls into submission. What the fuck was I going to do???

That's when I heard a gentle tap on the door. "Jen, everything okay?" Ida asked. "We need to go soon..."

"I'm coming..." I whimpered. "I just need a few minutes to, uhhh..." I looked around frantically, hoping I could MacGyver a solution. Like what? Make a bra out a bath towel and toothpaste?

"Jen?" Ida whispered. "You don't sound okay? What's going on? Can I help?"

At that moment I knew I needed help. I didn't have another solution. I couldn't ask my brother for help. (VOMIT.) I couldn't even ask the Hubs for help. He wasn't the Hubs yet. He was just some guy I was dating and I couldn't tell him all my secrets yet! Ida was my only hope.

Shamefaced, I unlocked the door and let her in.

"I can't do up my top," I cried. "I packed the wrong bra."

Ida surveyed the situation like a pro and did some quick calculations in her head. Finally, she nodded with certainty and asked, "Can I touch you? I'm going to have to touch you to help you."

"Just make sure your hands are warm," I said.

"I'll be right back." Ida went out the door and I heard her assuring the menfolk that we'd be ready soon. I heard her rummaging through cabinets and drawers.

When Ida came back she had a large roll of duck tape and a pair of scissors.

"Oh God," I whimpered.

"This will work," Ida reassured me. And then she went to work duck taping the shit out of my boobs.

You know those cartoons where people work so fast that clouds of dust puff up and you can't see what's happening and then the dirt clears and the transformation is revealed? That's how I felt that day. Ida worked fast and furious and then stepped back to admire her work. I looked in the mirror.

I'm not going to say they looked good. In fact, they were a little square and definitely off-center. BUT that dress buttoned up and that's what I needed.

We headed out. The Hubs gave my chest a funny look, but wisely did not comment.

It was close to ninety degrees that night and at one point I could feel sweat loosening the gum on the tape and I could feel tiny pings as the tape lost its grip. "Ida," I whispered. "I think I'm going to blow."

Ida shook her head. "A few layers might go, but you'll hold. And if you don't, I'm prepared." She opened her purse to show me the roll of tape and scissors tucked inside.

The tape held that night and Ida and I formed a bond that cannot be undone.

This week, almost 20 years later, she came to my rescue again, showing up at my house with double-sided carpet tape she'd found after scouring at least two hardware stores. I didn't need her hands on help this time, but it was nice to know I had her on speed dial in case I needed her to handle my hooters.

Want more? Get the books!

Mom Hair Don't Care

I shared a picture on my Facebook wall to show off my new t-shirt. I was quite excited by this shirt. I thought it was a funny shirt. I thought it was the perfect shirt for me. My Facebook friends were like, "Yeah, the shirt's cute or whatever, but what is going on with your hair? It looks ah-may-zing?! What are you using? Tell us the secrets!" And then I was like, "Ohemgee, I'm a freaking rock star! That's it, I'm going to bed, because this day isn't going to get any better."

I'd already been planning to blog about my style, because when I put on pants Facebook is like, "Jen!! Over here! Over here! Who are you wearing?" and I'm like, "Vera Wang. For Kohls." 

So here we go, this is the first installment in the style guide of a 40-plus, minivan-driving mama. 

We'll start with the hair since that's trending right now. I woke up this way:

I have naturally curly hair that I used to blow dry and flat iron into submission. But a few years ago I decided to stop fighting with my hair and just embrace it and let it do what it wanted. Unfortunately, when left to its own devices it just goes frizzy instead of soft, springy curls. The good news is science has heard curly-girl cries for help and there is a crapton of good products out there now to enhance your natural curl.

Matrix Total Results Curl Please Shampoo & Conditioner. It all starts with the shampoo. I use curl enhancing shampoo and conditioner. I've tried a bunch and this is the one that works the best for my hair. I can definitely see a difference on days I don't use it. My curls don't hold up as well in the summer's humidity or the dry winter weather.

Morrocanoil Curl Defining Cream. This stuff ain't cheap, but it's magical. You don't need much. In fact, too much makes your hair "crunchy." Sometimes I just put this in and call it done. When I do that, it looks like this:

I use a little Morrocanoil Cream and then I let it airdry. If I have an early morning appointment, I wash it the night before and let it dry overnight. I don't blowdry my hair anymore. I find that helps a lot when I curl it.

Side note: I also like this Morrocanoil product. I only use the teeniest tiniest amount every so often to make my hair more manageable. I use it on Adolpha's hair too and it's a miracle worker on her thick, wavy, tangly hair. 

Once it's dry, it's time to curl it. I have fine hair, but I have a lot of it, so I divide it into sections when I curl. This was a trick I learned on the internet. I'd been trying to curl my hair without sections and it just didn't look as good. I didn't think I needed sections because I didn't have long thick hair, but sections are the key.

So, you'll need some clips.

I need two or three at a time to section my hair. I section my hair into two to four levels depending upon how much curl I want.

The curling iron is very important too. I've used curling irons in the past and been very disappointed with the results. I realized it was because I was being a cheapo. It's amazing what a quality curling iron can do for you. I use the Hot Tools Professional Ceramic and Tourmaline Extra-Long Barrel Curling Iron/Wand 1 1/4 Inch. I have a 2 inch barrel too, but I don't like the results as well. It works well for Adolpha's long hair. It makes my hair straight.

I've had my curling iron for about three years now and it still works great with no problems. It heats up fast and makes my curls smooth and shiny, no matter how frizzy my hair was when I started. My hair takes curl very fast, so I turn it fairly hot and move quickly. The other thing the internet taught me was you have to curl in BOTH directions. I curl away from my face, but some of the sides and back are curled toward my face. You can just sort of practice and play around and see what looks best for you and your hair. Also, the first time I curled my hair it took forever and looked really terrible when I was done. I didn't section it, I didn't have the iron hot enough, and I didn't do a mix of directions for my curls. It takes some practice, but I'm literally the worst at spending time getting ready and even I figured this out, so you can too. I can curl my hair in about 5 minutes now. No joke, this is the easiest hairstyle I've ever had. 

I usually finger comb through the curls and sort of fluff them together. If I want more of a wavy look, I comb through them with a wide-tooth comb. I finish with either spray wax or styling wax. For both of these I've tried many brands and my favorite is Sexy Hair. Particularly, Sexy Hair Play Dirty and Sexy Hair Control Maniac.

Hairspray doesn't really work for me, the curls fall out and my hair gets flat, so spray wax is a great in-between product. It can give me bigger hair and keep the volume if I want that. I usually use it when I'm getting all fancy. 

Whereas, the styling wax is a good everyday kind of product. It gives high shine and keeps everything in place, but it can kind of weigh down the hair. You'll have to experiment with how much is a good amount for you. I use the tiniest bit. The picture that made everyone excited was with this wax. See how shiny it makes your hair?

I hope this helps! Good luck and let me know in the comments what other products you'd recommend for curly hair. I'm always looking for something new to try!

Oh, and also, you can get the t-shirt here.

Follow me on Facebook and subscribe to my blog to get all my junk in the mail. Buy my books here.

Some of those links are affiliates. I gotta buy more wax somehow!

2018 Holiday Gift Guide!

It's my favorite time of the year: wondering what the heck my family wants for Christmas! Both of my kids have phones now and access to my Amazon account, so it's making gift-giving a lot easier this year. They've created Wish Lists for me and I simply have to pick and choose what to get them. Hopefully you can find some good stuff for everyone your list (and maybe even a little something special for yourself!)

Spikeball - Gomer's been playing this game a lot at school. It sounds like way too much work for me, but the kids really like it! The team that won were a brother-sister duo who have their own set at home. My kids think they need a set now so they can practice too and win the next tournament.

Bluetooth Beanie - It's cold in the winter and I'm always bugging Gomer to put on a hat. Maybe if his hat will play music for him, he'll wear it?

Gaming Headset - This is the year of online gaming. It has taken over Gomer's life (and bank account). It seems like every week he needs to order one more thing that will make his game better. The headset will help him communicate better with his squad and help him defeat the enemy or something like that. All I know, is if it keeps him from talking to his friends on speakerphone, I'm cool with it.

Gaming Mat - I don't even know what this is. Gomer says the mouse performance is vital to his game and this mat will make the mouse more fluid or some nonsense like that. Also it lights up, which is imperative and gets him "cool" points because light up stuff is necessary for taking your gaming to the next level, blah, blah, blah. Basically, this is a super cool mouse pad, folks.

Mechanical Keyboard - Gomer swears this is also vital to gaming domination. The mechanical keyboards are superior in all ways and such and so on. I just like them because they're "clicky". I like clicky keyboards.

Hammock - When Gomer needs some downtime to read (haha, more like stream Youtube), he would like to hang out in a hammock. I would like to hang out in this thing too. 

Workout Bar - Gomer is gonna get swole this year and this bar is gonna do it for him. 

Wireless Waterproof Speaker - Gomer cannot be without his music or his jabbering Youtube bros, so a waterproof speaker might be nice in the shower. Maybe he'll listen to the weather and know he needs to wear his Bluetooth hat too.

Apple Airpods - Gomer saved up all his money this year and bought himself an iPhone. This Christmas will probably be dubbed, "The iPhone Accessory Christmas" because he's out of dough and still needs all the stuff to go with the phone.

Evidence Bag - I'm a big fan of pouches. You can never have too many. This would be great for all of Gomer's iPhone crap.

Loud Ass Alarm Clock - Gomer has officially become a teenager and can't get his lazy butt out of bed. This will be under the tree whether he likes it or not.

Books Gomer read this year and liked:

The Outsiders

The Book Thief

Thirteen Reasons Why

Sony Earbuds - Adolpha complains that all the earbuds we own are too big for her dainty ears. I have these and they're super squishy and can fit into tiny ears, so hopefully she will be able to use them and I won't have to hear her Youtube videos anymore.

Squishmallow - Twelve is a tough age. Adolpha wants a new phone, makeup, skinny jeans, and....stuffed animals. She loves this brand especially. They're uber-soft and squishy. Just like the name suggests.

Superpower Pouch - As I said before, pouches are good and anything with a "Girl Power" theme is great too.

Makeup Organizer - Adolpha is always organized, and her makeup will be too.

Makeup Brushes - A girl can never have too many brushes, unless she's Adolpha. The girl has more makeup brushes than the pros. What is she doing with them all??

Lightbox - This is a fun little item. Adolpha envisions us each leaving messages for one another. My first message will be: CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM.

Bluetooth Speaker - When we were kids, everyone had a boom box or a stereo. We used to turn up our music and dance or sing in the mirror and those days are over. I'm getting everyone new speakers this year so we can jam together. It's going to be so embarrassing for the kids.

Adult Onesie - I think Adolpha has two or three of these now, but it's cold here in the winter and she pretty much lives in this kind of stuff. The kids bought me my first one last year and I'm addicted too. 

Nintendo Switch - We have other gaming systems in the house, but this one has been on Adolpha's list all year. She swears this one would actually get played with (unlike the other ones collecting dust in the basement).

Bike Wheel Lights - I think Adolpha is convinced these will make her bike go faster or something. 

Hair Tie Bracelet - Adolpha has hair down to the middle of her back and even though she starts out most days with it down, it almost always ends up in a ponytail before dinner time. This will be a cute way to carry a hair tie and not cut off her circulation.

Books Adolpha read this year and liked:

My Lame Life

One of Us is Lying

To All the Boys I've Ever Loved Before

Charging Station - This is more for me than the Hubs, but it goes on his list since he's the "techie" in the family. At this point we have four phones, four Kindles, two tablets, and a bunch of other stuff that needs charged. I'm tired of my kitchen counter being overurn with cables and junk. This will hopefully cut the clutter and keep everything together.

Punching Bag - The Hubs is always on me to work out with him. He wants me to find something we can do together. Well, I did it. We can punch stuff together. It seems only appropriate that we should own a punching bag!

Stuffed Burger Press - The Hubs is the cook in the family and the Master Griller. He makes great burgers and I think this can only up his game.

Roku - As you know, the Hubs is notoriously cheap. This year he had the bright idea to cut our cable. that's right. He cancelled our cable. We can't have nothing, though, so I'm getting Roku boxes for everyone, including him.

Quick Charge Car Charger - Again, we have a lot of stuff to charge. I can't tell you how many times we get in the car and one or both of the kids are out of juice. This will help us all stay powered up.

Soda Stream - Not only is the Hubs cutting my cable, he's been trying to cut our grocery bill too. He's thinking the Soda Stream can help. All I know is that I can tell the difference been Coke and anything else just by the color, the smell, and the bubbliness of it all. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to drink "Cola-Flavored Wetness" but we'll see.

Breakfast Sandwich Maker - A friend was raving about this the other day and it sounded like the perfect thing to put on the Hubs' list. He loves egg sandwiches and always complains about how expensive they are when we go out. He can have an egg sandwich every day for pennies!

Cell Phone Lenses - The Hubs is the techie, the chef, and the cheapo. He's also the resident photographer. He takes the bulk of our pictures and he really doesn't like carrying around a big camera. These will make it so much easier for him to get the pictures he wants, without the bulk.

Books the Hubs read this year and liked:

Leaders Eat Last

Tools of Titans

Rise and Grind

Mug - I like to drink hot tea or chai all day and I find that my drinks get cold too fast. I want an insulated mug that can hold a lot and keep stuff hot. 

Airfryer - I've heard good things about this thing. I believe anything tastes better fried, but as we all know, it's terrible for you. I'm hoping maybe this is the magic I'm been looking for? Because baked fries just don't cut it for me.

Packing Cubes - I've been leaving my house a lot this year and traveling around the country to speak. I bought some packing cubes when Amazon recommended them to me. I was sort of confused as to why they were so great. Well, I've figured it out. I can pack whole outfits together and things stay nice and neat in my suitcase instead of sliding all over the place. It makes packing go faster too, because I'm not playing Jenga to make everything fit in the suitcase. I'm sold.

Dashboard Pad - When I travel, I use my phone as my GPS. I'd like something small and portable that I can take with me to hold my phone and make it easier to see when I'm driving in a new city.

Wireless Charger - I got a new phone this year and it has wireless charging capabilities. I've gone through countless cords and worn out my plugger-inner part on my phone. I'd like to be able to charge my phone wirelessly.

Microphone - I started making more videos this year and I'd like a fancy new microphone because I'm pretty sure it will make me a better videographer. 

Belt Bag - OK, so when we were growing up, we called these fanny packs, but now they're "belt bags" because that sounds cooler. I've officially reached the fanny pack age. I get it now. It's versatile, it carries a bunch of stuff, it's easier on my back. They're good for when I go for walks or if I'm hanging out at the ball fields watching my kids.

Heated Mattress Pad - I've also reached the heated mattress pad age. My friend was telling me about these. I've heard of electric blankets, but not heated mattress pads. This sounds divine on those cold winter nights. And this one has dual control, so the Hubs and I won't fight over the temps.

Notebooks - I can never have too many notebooks. I like spiral ones and smallish ones to fit in my purse (or belt bag).

Pens - I'm a pen whore. These literally make me a better writer.

Magnetic Poetry - I had one of these in college and I miss it. I'm ready for a new set so my kids can leave me inappropriate poems on the fridge.

Lip Scrub - My lips are rough and dry this winter and Adolpha tells me I need a lip scrub. I have no idea what it does, but she swears my lips will soft as a baby's butt once I use this stuff.

My book club and I read a bunch of books this year. If you want to join, click here. Here were some of my favorites:

An American Marriage

The Power

Force of Nature

My books always make great gifts too. Get them all here.

Well, that's our list for this year. Here are some links to previous years' lists:

2017

2016

2015

2014

10 Things I Hate About the Holidays

1. Pumpkin-flavor everything. Pumpkin lattes start showing up in August and then it just snowballs from there. I don't even like pumpkin in a pie, but no one wants to eat a pumpkin popsicle.

2. Douchey Dads who can't take their kids trick-or-treating without pulling a wagon of beer behind them. What is the deal? This is a pretty easy job and isn't very stressful. It takes a couple of hours to walk through the neighborhood, wave to the person at the door, and yell something like, “Anything good for me? Yuk, yuk, yuk.” Why do these dads feel the need to be hammered before they take on this job?

Rules for Raising a Boy - 18 (Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

There is a list making its way around Facebook about 25 Rules for Mothers of Sons.  Have you seen it?

It's a very pleasant, feel good, vanilla-flavored list with lots of cute little things like "teach your son to do laundry," "learn how to throw a football," "let him get dirty," and that sort of thing.  I am not going to attack this woman or her list.  (I learned my lesson last time I did that.)  I think the list is fine - for her.  It's just not my cup of tea.

Instead I decided to pay homage to her and make my own list.  Here goes:

PIWTPITT (18 Because 25 Was Too Hard To Come Up With) Rules for Mothers of Sons

1.  Teach him to be confident and kind.