The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese

Well, as long as parents like these exist, I don't need to worry about getting the World's Worst Parenting Award.  WTF, people?  Seriously?  Two kids in one week left at Chuck E. Cheese?!

I can almost get how this could happen.  Chuck E. Cheese is mind-numbing and being trapped there for several hours could have the same effect on you as waterboarding or other various forms of torture.  You come out of your stupor and find yourself curled in the fetal position in a booth behind the Whack-a-Mole.  You glance at your watch and realize the joint is closing in 10 minutes and there's no way in hell you're going to spend the night!  You grab your kid and stumble out.  It isn't until hours later that your ears stop ringing and you gain some clarity and realize, Oh shit!  I took 2 kids to Chuck E. Cheese's and only came home with one!!


Only it didn't happen this way.  Instead, one family took their 5 year old to CEC to celebrate her birthday and forgot her.  The family has 10 kids and so the birthday girl wasn't missed until the next morning when it was time for school.

Where do I begin with this?  It was her birthday and nobody missed her until the next day?  Nobody thought, I want give Little Birthday Girl one more kiss and wish her one more Happy Birthday before I tuck her into bed??  I can't tell you how sad this makes me.

I am not the perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but if I'm home I tuck my kids into bed.  If I'm at work when they go to bed, I kiss them after I get home and they're asleep.  Does no one tuck Little Birthday Girl into bed??  For some reason this upsets me more than the fact they left her behind.  I can understand that in the hubbub of getting everyone out the door you think Auntie or Grandma has Little Birthday Girl in her car and you accidentally forget her.  But you forget her until morning???  Poor Little Birthday Girl.

I get that they have a big family and it can be easy to lose someone, but don't big families use the buddy system or something?  Don't big families learn from the Waltons to always do a roll call at the end of each night?  Good night, Mary Ellen.  Good night, Elizabeth.  Good night, Jim Bob.  Good night, John Boy.  Good night, Little Birthday Girl.  Little Birthday Girl?  Has anyone seen Little Birthday Girl?  OH MY GOD!  We left her at Chuck E. Cheese!!!


The second family that left their child at Chuck E. Cheese this week didn't realize she was missing until they watched the nightly news and saw her face on television.  This one amazes me more than the big family one.  I imagine the big family parents are busy, busy, busy with all their kids and their night time routines and everyone looks the same and they're moving so fast no one can really get an accurate count of how many are there.  I imagine it wasn't like that at the second girl's home.  I imagine this girl's family sitting on the couch, relaxing with a cold drink and seeing her picture on the news.  I imagine her mother spitting her cold drink all over the TV when her daughter's picture comes up.

The parents of this little girl share custody of her and they were both at the party, but they assumed she went home with a relative.  Ummm....wouldn't you double check that?  (I'm guessing they will next time.)

I have a large extended family and my kids love to ride in grandma's car or their aunt's car.  The difference is, my family comes to me and says, "Gomer wants to go with me.  You OK with that?"  They would never just take my kids without telling me and I would never assume they had my kids when I got home and I didn't.

It's ironic, because I hate to go to CEC and one of the reasons (besides the obvious exposure to Black Plague) is that I'm always worried my kids will get snatched by some creepy pedophile.  I worry, because it's literally impossible to keep my eye on both of my kids in that place since they run off in different directions.  I worry that they'll think I've left them there and so they'll leave the building to see if my car is still in the parking lot and they get run over.  (Yes, it's difficult for me to sleep at night with all this insane worrying.  These are just my CEC worries - now you see why I'm not crazy about the beach!)  However, these two stories showed me that CEC might be one of the safest places for my kids.  These little girls were left on their own and no one barely noticed them, let alone tried to snatch them.  Maybe I've been too hard on CEC.  Maybe I could use CEC like a cheap drop in babysitting place.  I could give my kids a roll of tokens and tell them I'll see them in 3 hours?


Don't miss my newest blog post over at Babble.com - Am I a Bully?

Weekly Wrap Up 3.12.12

This week has been a bit odd.  I went on vacation and just back today so I was blogging from the road, which was kind of random and I didn't get a proper wrap up done.  I'm going to give you a quickie today and I'm not going to do any comments, because, frankly, I haven't had a chance to even read them all.  I got the gist though:  Husbands should be responsible for packing their own shit (I agree totally, this was a once in a lifetime thing for me to pack for the Hubs and I won't be doing that again), a lot of you love Disney and a lot of you hate Disney, I got some perspective on mouse ear-wearing adults, and I'm on an island of my own with the hating the beach thing (hopefully my island doesn't have sand).

The GOOD news is we had a lot of fun on our trip.  I know if you read my blog it sounds like it sucked, but since my blog isn't called Rainbows & Unicorns I can't blather on about what a magical time we had watching Adolpha pose for pictures with her favorite Disney character, Pluto (blech) or how I got teary eyed watching my kids frolic in the waves and wondering when they got so big (ugh).  I save that crap for myself and spare you all.

The OTHER good news is:  I'm number 1!!  I'm currently in first place over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms.  Thanks very much to those of you who got me there.  Now, let's see if I can stay there.  At first I thought it would be great if I made the Top 25, but once I hit number 1, I really liked how that felt and I'd like to stay there.  You can vote every day and you can also vote for more than just me, so if you're torn between two or three of us, rest assured, you can vote for ALL of us.

I added a new button this week:  Read My Babble.com Posts.  It's pretty self-explanatory.

Top Posts This Week:

Goody Bags That Are Nicer Than the Gift My Kid Gave - This was inspired by an article in the New York Times about outrageous goody bags.

Seriously, Hubs? - This was a conversation between the Hubs and I about what I (nicely) packed for him.  I never pack for him, but he was busy and so I helped him out.  I won't make that mistake again.

The Happiest Place on Earth - I took the kids to Disney.  I saw some interesting people there.  And Disney was advertising like a fiend on my blog this week.  I think they knew were I was...

Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties - This was the doozy of the week.  I got this idea from several readers who sent me links to various parties.  I went out on the web and found some other parties that inspired me to write this post.  One in particular was a birthday party for a 1 year old with a Marie Antoinette theme.  I can't make this shit up!  Who plans an over the top, excessive party for a one year old based around a queen who lost her head because she was excessive?  The irony is killing me!

The woman who threw the party had posted her party on some fabu over achieving party blog so that everyone could see what a beautiful party she could throw.  She put her child and her party out there for the world to see.  She was more than happy to do this when everyone commented how talented she was, how unique she was, and how gorgeous her party was.  She gets a little criticism about her party and she freaks out.  She wrote a post on her blog about how offended she was and then she LINKED to me.  Priceless.  By doing that, her whole family was able to trot over to attack me.  Truly.  Go through the comments.  It's nuts.  Her aunt or her grandma or someone called me "ugly."  WTF?  Other cousins/whoever were quoting Bible verses at me while threatening to punch me (literally) in my face.  Wow.  What the fuck is wrong with these people?  I take it back, this is not an over achieving mom with a gold card.  This is some trailer trash, backwoods, inbred psychopathic family who acted like I called the baby names (which I NEVER do and NEVER will).

I thought I could defuse the situation by going to her blog and saying "Bonjour."  Here is what I wrote:  Bonjour! It's me, Jen. I know that you think I'm these anonymous posters, but I'm not. I don't post anonymously. I'm not evil, I just call it like I see it. And the way I see it is: If you put stuff out there, you're bound to find one or two people who don't care for what you do. I found your party on an over top party blog where THEY posted your pic. It's down now though...unless you give me permission to use it for my Babble.com post on this topic tomorrow...My readers aren't ogres either, I guarantee you'll gain a follower or two today, a lot of over achievers with senses of humor read my blog. Motherhood is hard enough, relax and have a glass of wine and chuckle at your self.  That didn't work.  If anything, it made her family even angrier.  The left some more insulting comments and they told me they were celebrating their French heritage with this party.  Apparently, from their behavior I'm guessing their ancestors actually were the ones who chopped off Marie Antoinette's head!  They acted like a bunch of peasants with pitchforks and torches storming my blog.  But you know what?  It didn't even phase me.  I could care less that they think I'm "ugly" or mean or whatever.

Here's the thing.  I'm not a bully.  I'm a bullshit caller.  I didn't bully this woman.  I didn't call her ugly or tell her God thinks she's ugly or threaten to hit her or tell her I despised her or tell her she sucked (her family did that to me and they're terrible spellers BTW).  I didn't even call her an idiot.  All I said was her party was stupid.  I said her party was laughable.  I said her theme was horrifying.  You can't plan a party for a one year old where she wears some silk party dress and you hang antique lampshades from trees for ambience or whatever and not expect me to call your bullshit.  That party was not for a baby.  That party was for you.  You submitted it to the fancy-kid-party-everyone-look-what-I-can-plan-blog and you put your shit out there and when someone said it was stupid you cried and called me a bully.  I'm not a bully.  I'm a mom who is sick and tired and angry.  I'm tired of the moms who plan stupid parties and then put them on the web and ask everyone to kiss their asses and look down their noses at the parties the rest of us plan.  I speak for the moms who actually plan a first birthday party for a baby.  We pick themes like Old MacDonald or Sesame Street, because we know that's what our baby likes.  We put our kids in cute birthday outfits, but not ones that they can't move in.  Our decorations are streamers and balloons and we serve cake, not petits fours and champagne.  If anything, I'm the Equalizer.  I see your bullshit and I call you on it.  I refuse to let you get away with it.  If you don't like what I have to say, then don't put your shit out there where I can find it.

Me - At the Beach - I hate sand.  It's plain and simple.  I'm in the minority.  I know that, but I still thought I should share.

Me - At the Beach

Yesterday was beach day.  Our kids have only been to the beach one time and they loved it.  I mean, crazy loved it.  Last year we came to Orlando to visit my aunt and we took the kids to "show" them the ocean.  We threw in swim suits at the last minute even though the temperature was only 70 degrees.  They begged me to put on their suits and let them get their feet wet in the icy water.  Finally, I agreed.  We spent an hour that day watching them splash in the waves.  Those two could compete in a Polar Bear swim no problem!

This year we knew we'd be here for warmer weather so we actually planned a day to hit the beach.  After our experience yesterday, I think next time we should probably plan to skip Disney and Legoland and all the rest and just spend our week at the beach!  Ugh.

My kids are beach kids.  Who knew?  Not me, because I'm certainly not.  I cannot stand the beach.  Yup.  You read that right.  I hate the beach.

I hate the feeling of sand between my toes (and my butt cheeks - how does it work its way in there??).  I hate the constant din of the waves crashing against the beach.  I know many people actually pay for machines to make that noise for them, because they find it relaxing, but I think that machine would drive me to kill myself.  I would just like some silence please!!  I hate the masses of people who surround you at the beach.  (No thank you, I don't want to hear your music or brush the sand off me that you kicked on me because you didn't give me a large enough perimeter when you were taking your romantic walk along the beach with your partner.)

I've never tried it, but I'm guessing a private cove with super soft, pristine sand and a quiet surf would be OK with me.  I think I need to go to the beach they way Richard Branson goes to the beach.  Maybe then I'd like it.

Of course my kids are beach kids.  The Hubs is a beach person.  Ugh.  What surprised me was that somehow after all these years, the Hubs missed the memo that I don't like the beach.  I realized yesterday how that happened.

The one time the Hubs and I went on a "beach" vacation was when we went to Hawaii a few months after we were married.  The Hubs wanted to spend his whole time walking on the beach (Ouch, ouch, ouch.  Isn't there a path we can walk on instead?  Oops, I think I just kicked sand on that woman applying fresh sunscreen.  Sorry!), snorkeling (Fish!  Eek!  They're too close!) and photographing the water (Oh God, my ears!!  Didn't we take a picture of this bluff already?  What are we going to do with these pictures when we get home - make an hour long slideshow for friends and neighbors???).

We were newlyweds and I guess for some reason I felt like I couldn't let him know what a grouch I am (Ha!) so I tagged along on all of these excursions and I was miserable.  I finally confessed to him yesterday he ruined my trip to Hawaii.  He was shocked.  How could he be?  Have I ever suggested another trip the beach with him?  He told me I ruined his trip, because we didn't do enough of the above mentioned stuff and I spent too much time at the pool!  What?!!

The pool is so much better.  I get an umbrella (no burning for me), I'm close to a real bathroom, there are food and drinks within a few feet and the best part:  NO sand and NO waves and a lot of times there is an adults-only pool so NO kids even.  Ahhhh.....bliss.  This is relaxing.  This is my idea of a vacation.  Not tromping all over the rocky beach looking for shells.  Not photographing one more beautiful sand dune or wave.  And definitely no snorkeling, not letting any fish rub up against me.

We realized yesterday that we are not compatible for beach travel together.  We need to find other people to travel with so the Hubs has a friend for snorkeling and I have a friend to sit by the pool (in our muumuu cover ups) and make fun of the people who obviously didn't have access to mirrors when they bought their swimsuits when we're not reading one of the 20 great books we brought.

Maybe I'll plan a PIWTPITT Hawaiian Excursion 2013 for all the couples in the same boat (well, boat might not be the right word, because unless it's a sunset dinner cruise, I really have no desire to go out on a boat).  Who will join us?

The Happiest Place on Earth

Yesterday I spent the day with the kids, my mom and my aunt at Disney World.  We left the Hubs home, because he has little patience for waiting in long lines, large groups of idiots, screaming children and life-sized stuffed animals who want to hug him.  Leaving him back at the condo was the best decision I ever made.  Yesterday was nutty and my aunt kept assuring me that this was "the off season."  If that was the "off season" then I never want to come during the "on season."

Here are a few things/people I saw yesterday:

1.  Couples on their anniversary.  I'm not talking about every couple there on their anniversary.  I'm talking about one couple in particular.  We were walking into the park and I noticed that 3 "cast members"  (not employees) wished someone behind me "Happy Anniversary!"  I finally had to turn around to see what was going on.  There was a couple in their fifties behind me holding hands and wearing huge buttons that said, "It's my anniversary."  Duh.  That's how the cast members knew.  I laughed and said, "I thought maybe people were psychic at this park!  I couldn't figure out how they knew it was your anniversary!  Now I see."  They both gave me sheepish grins and said, "Yeah, they made us wear the pins."  HUH?  You are 50 years old.  NO ONE made you wear that pin.  Unless you are getting a free pass to the park there should be no reason you would NEED to wear that pin.  You WANT to wear that pin, but suddenly you realized you're embarrassed by your pin and so you try to pull the whole, "They made us wear it."

I don't think this was their first Disney rodeo either.  They were going through that park with a purpose and they knew exactly where the best traffic lanes were, when you came to a fork in the lines, they knew which way to go, they were pros.  I told Gomer, "Stay on their heels.  They know the secret.  Follow them and don't worry about me.  I'll be right behind you."  By following them, we were able to do 3 rides in 1 hour.  Quite the record for my slow poke family!  In the end, they redeemed themselves in my eyes.  Happy Anniversary, indeed!

2.  Kids melting down left and right.  I don't know how to say this without being offensive, so I'm just going to say it and then those of you in the know can help me with my sensitivity.  We came across kids all day in various levels of meltdown.  From minor to nuclear.  One little girl in particular stands out.  She was about 10 years old and she was obsessed with trying to get a Sword out of a Stone.  I wanted a pic of Gomer doing it and so we were waiting behind a couple of other kids on line.  The little girl kept trying and trying with her father constantly encouraging her to take "one more shot at it."  After 10 minutes (no exaggeration) the mom in front of me said, "Can I just snap a quick picture of my kids and then you can try again?"  The girl wouldn't budge.  The rest of the family left and now it was just the girl and her mother.  Her mother was trying to cajole the little girl into stepping down.  "Let these kids get their picture taken and then you can have another few minutes to try."  That's when my mother spoke up, "Uhhh, there are other kids waiting too."  At this point the mother flew over to us and got in my mother's face and very politely said, "Look, I understand, but here's the thing.  She's a very sick little girl and she has brain damage.  We're trying to make today special for her.  Thanks."  Whoa.  In the immortal words of my mother, "Wow, now I feel like a shit."  Uh yeah, pretty much.  Here's where I need sensitivity training.  There were no outward signs this little girl had these problems.  Is there a way a child like this could wear a button that says, "Mickey's Special Guest" or something like that so that I KNOW this child needs some space and she needs some patience?  Is that PC???  The Hubs thinks I'm horrible for suggesting this.  Maybe I am.  I'm not trying to say that kids with special needs to be singled out and open them to ridicule.  I'm really trying to make her mom's job easier.  We passed the Sword in the Stone about 40 minutes later and her daughter was still working on it and the mom was still explaining to people why they needed patience and why no one (including Gomer) could get a picture with the sword.  A button would help tremendously.  We felt terrible and we knew we deserved the punch on this one.  I think my experience with this little girl helped instill patience in me for the rest of the day.  I gave EVERYONE a grain of salt after that.  I'm not trying to be an asshole here, so tell me if I'm wrong.

3.  Not trying to be an asshole again, because I get that Disney is a once in a lifetime kind of thing and everyone celebrates differently, but if you are an adult who wears mouse ears can you please tell me why?  When you are 65 years old and driving a Rascal through Disney why do you need Minnie Mouse ears and why does your husband (in a matching Rascal) need a Goofy hat with ears?  Tell me why you wear your ears so I can understand the passion.

4.  Parents SCREAMING at their kids.  You would have been so proud of me yesterday.  I was so Zen as I moved through the park.  I never yelled at my kids when they whined for another $50 worth of food or $25 mouse ears.  I never threatened them within inches of their lives while we waited on long lines and they told me they were "melting."  I kept telling myself:  This is one day, this is the happiest place on Earth, we will have fun, damn it and I will not cause a scene.

It was easy for me, because we only spent one day there.  We didn't buy the resort package where we stay on the property and have a 7 day park hopper pass.  I think those were the parents going ballistic.  Here are some the best quotes I heard yesterday:

"Do you have any idea how much I spent to be here?  Put a smile on your goddamned face."

"I've already bought you Jasmine and Belle dresses, I will not buy Sleeping Beauty too!"

"Shut up, already or we will go back to the hotel right this minute!"

"Michael, move your ass, people are passing us!"  (Michael was about 6.)


"That is Snow White!  You've been asking to see Snow White for 2 months.  That's what we're here for!  Now get over there and give her a hug!"

"I rode 7 hours on a plane to be here.  You.  Will.  Have.  Fun.  Now."

Ahh....the Happiest Place on Earth!!  Glad we went.  Glad it's over.

Today we're off to the beach!

Seriously, Hubs??

We're in Florida this week visiting my aunt.  We're staying at her house in Orlando - just steps away from Mickey's House.  My kids are over the moon.

This morning is our first morning here and we decided we'd take a day to just hang out at her pool, let the kids play and I could go outlet shopping (I am over the moon).

We're getting ready to go and here's what the Hubs had to say to me:

Hubs: "Jen, where are my underwear?"

Me: "Really?  I packed them for you!  What more do you want?  Move stuff around in the suitcase and look for them!"

I dig through the suitcase that I packed (while he chatted up some friend on the phone!) and I pull out a pair of undies, "Here!"

Hubs: "Those are Gomer's."

Me: "Oh, well, they look big enough to be yours."

Hubs: "Gee, thanks."

I dig some more and find a slightly larger pair.

Me: "Here!"

OK, side by side they don't look that similar, but I get them confused all the time. 

Hubs: "Great.  Thank.  You.  Where is my shampoo?"

Me: "Are you fucking kidding me?  What is in your plastic grocery sack of beauty supplies?"

Truly.  The Hubs puts all of his bathroom supplies in a plastic Target bag.  I've begged him to buy a toiletry kit.  He refuses to spend the money.  Cheap bastard.

Hubs: "I have my toothbrush - you brought toothpaste, right?  And my comb and my hair gel stuff."

Me: "Why didn't you bring shampoo?  You have a thousand samples under you bathroom sink that you steal from hotels.  You didn't bring one of those?"

Hubs: "No.  I thought you were packing that stuff..."

Me: "Why would I pack your shampoo?  I packed for me and the kids and I ended up packing most of your clothes.  I don't even do that usually.  I draw the line at your toiletries.  I'm NOT your mother."

Hubs: "Exactly.  You're my wife.  My wife should take care of me better than my mother."

Me: "Jackhole."

If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over (again - you can vote once every day) to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012?  I would really appreciate it!  I am currently in first place, thank you everyone.  But I am a narcissist and want to win and make sure I stay in the lead.

Botox mommy

Re-posted from archives.

By now you've probably heard all about Kerry Campbell, the mom who gives Botox to her 8 year old daughter because she has "wrinkles" and needs to stay ultra competitive in the high stakes world of children's beauty pageants.  WTF is wrong with this woman?

You know how I feel about the pageant kids and parents who name their kids Britney and parents who let their kids call all the shots, so it's probably no surprise this dumbass is getting the punch today.

So let's break this down.  Britney is competing in beauty pageants and realizes that she isn't winning because she has wrinkles?  (BTW, those are called dimples, sweetie, and you're supposed to have them.)  She complains to Kerry and tells her she doesn't look pretty with all these wrinkles.  Does Kerry tell her she's beautiful and she shouldn't worry so much about her looks and rather should focus on being a kind person who BEHAVES beautifully?  Does Kerry tell her that obviously the pageant world is affecting Britney's self esteem and maybe she should take a break and focus on being a little girl where her biggest worry should be if she should play with Rainbow Dash or her dollhouse today?

Nope.  Not at all.

Instead, Kerry laments to the other moms that she needs a secret weapon of some kind and the more seasoned pageant moms suggest Botox.  Kerry thinks to herself, Of course!  Botox!  Why didn't I think of that?  It's perfect for an 8 year old with borderline low self esteem who is already demanding a boob job and a nose job!  Let's do it!  And while we're at it, let's put hot wax on her body and rip all that unsightly hair out by its roots - it's so unladylike!  

I don't know who is more to blame here - Kerry or Britney.

Kerry is SUPPOSED to be the parent.  She is SUPPOSED to be voice of reason.  She turns around and blames it all on Britney.  "Well, Britney, wanted to do it."  Blah, blah, blah.  Of course Britney wanted to do it!  She's a spoiled rotten brat who obviously gets whatever she wants.

Kids want to do (and own) all kinds of asinine things and it's the parent's job to say NOOOOOO, over my dead body will you inject botulism into your face.  NOOOO, a four year old girl does not need Sketchers Shape Ups that tone and firm your butt and thighs!  (Yup, my kid wants those.)  NOOOO, a six year old boy does not need his own iTouch.  (Yup, the other one wants that.)

My other question is where the hell does Kerry get her stash of Botox and is she legally able to administer it??  I always thought you had to be doctor or a nurse supervised by a doctor to inject someone.  Who is supplying her and who trained her?  This stuff is dangerous if done improperly and for some reason I don't think Kerry is qualified to inject a monkey, let alone a human being.

Do you remember growing up when your mother would say "If so and so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"  Now I feel like asking PARENTS "Hey Mom, if Amaryllis jumps off a bridge, does that mean Jaxon should too?  It sounds a bit dangerous don't you think?"

People like this should not be allowed to reproduce.  You have to jump through more hoops to adopt a damn dog than you do to have a kid.  There should be some kind of idiot test you must take before you're allowed to get pregnant.  Kerry would have failed.

It's Botox and body waxing now.  What will it be when my daughter is eight?  Clitoris and nipple piercings?  A skull tattoo inked on my son's scrawny bicep?  You think I'm joking, but just you wait.  The Shape Ups and iTouch will seem quaint.

PS. If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012?  I would really appreciate it!  I don't need to be Number 1, the Top 25 is good enough for me.  No need to be an over achiever!

Weekly Wrap Up 3.04.2012

Time for the weekly wrap up, already?  This has been a wonderful week.  I got to go visit my friend Mary in New Hampshire at the beginning of the week and then I came home just in time to start my new PAYING job at Babble.com.  That's right, I'm finally getting paid for my witty words.  PLEASE do me a favor and go over there and check out Babble. They took a chance on me since I'm not the typical "mommy" blogger and I don't want them to think they made a mistake when no one reads me.  For those of you who like my voice, but hate my potty mouth, Babble might be the place for you to read me.  I will still be ranting and raving over there, but I have to tone it down a bit.  If you like me "salty" then you'll want to read me over here.  Now you have two places to find me.

We have a RIDICULOUS amount of comments this week.  LOVE IT.  I am so glad you guys spoke up and let me know who you are!  I loved reading EACH and EVERY one of those comments and the private emails a lot of you sent as well.  It was great to get a little glimpse of you.  I didn't make a graph or anything, but whoa, there a lot of you out there with 4 kids.  You guys should start a support group or something.

I was also stunned to see how many of you live in New Hampshire.  Who knew?  I knew of one reader for sure, but the rest I had no idea.  It would have been cool if we could have all met for lunch at Me & Ollies and composted together!  Yes, lucky readers who guessed this restaurant.  You are correct.  This is where Mary and I (me?? shit, I still can't remember what the correct word is here) had lunch.  Unfortunately the only prize you get is knowing that you obviously know your fair city well.

All right, let's get to it!

Top Read Posts This Week:

New Zealand La Leche League - Whoa this was a big one!  I had a lot of comments on here and I've listed a bunch below, but there are so many GOOD ones, you should really check them out.  This story got me riled up, because I just hate when good organizations like LLL get off the rails and start demoralizing the women they should be helping.  

Live Free (and Compost) or Die - My friend Mary and her family hosted me in their new city/town/village in New Hampshire.  Mary and I had a great time exploring the local scenery and learning how to compost at Me & Ollies and another restaurant I can't recall the name of.  Do you remember, Mary?  The place where we gorged ourselves on dessert?

My Crazy Appalachian ER Experience - This was a repost that the Hubs decided to helpfully rename for me.  Ugh.  I wish he hadn't, because there was a great deal of confusion as to whether I know where the Appalachians are.  Of course, I know they're not Liberty, MO.  As a helpful reader pointed out though:  "Reading is fundamental."  So, when in doubt, take a second read through and make sure I'm not QUITE as dumb as you think I am. 

Getting to Know You - The Hubs thought I was crazy for posting this.  He told me no one would respond.  I told him to wait and see.  I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Movie Night With Mary - Mary and I always attract drama at the movies and this time was no different.  We did like "The Descendants" even if Mary had to watch it from a reclined position.

Best Comments of the Week (and My Response If Any):

I'm sad that you would lump all La Leche Leaguers in one unfortunate category. Not all LLL members are like that. I, a self proclaimed "lactivist" and LLL member, know that breast feeding isn't for everyone, you have to do what is best for your family. I was the "World's Greatest Mother" until I had kids of my own. Everyday I eat my words and have a huge slice of humble pie. I have two sons, a 2 yr old and a 6 week old, and they have taught me that I can never say never and to not judge other mothers because you don't know their situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Motherhood is tough, rewarding but extremely tough and it stinks that I see so many comments on this post of mothers bashing each other. We should be encouraging and supporting one another regardless of how we choose to feed our babies. Kumbahyah and all that jazz. on New Zealand La Leche League

I agree completely.  My experience with LLL actually was a very positive one.  That's why I was so irritated to see how NZ LLL reacted to the ad.  I was not lumping all LLL together, that's why the post is titled New Zealand LLL.

Agreed. I had twins, 1st pregnancy, & 5 weeks early. once they finally learned to latch, they were not getting enough. I felt horrible that I, their mother, could not nourish them. I was having to give formula until my milk came in and after 2 weeks, I was still only getting about 2 oz a feeing. That was fine for one baby, but not 2. I believe breast is best but like you said, for our family it wasnt on New Zealand La Leche League
Thank you for writing this. You have balls and I'm envious of them. :) on New Zealand La Leche League 

Thanks for that. I sat here reading all the comments and couldn't help but start to feel defensive myself. I always got a mixed reaction to breastfeeding--sometimes it was positive but often I got looks and made people uncomfortable. I understand what you're saying, but I did feel like I needed to speak up to make sure all breastfeeding moms didn't get lumped in with the "Nazis." You're right about the loud minority. on New Zealand La Leche League

Wow, you really riled 'em up this time Jen!! LLL should be picking its battles. I must add that some of the mothers here are saying we should retire "breast is best" slogan or those that are skeptical if breast milk really is better are truly, sadly misinformed. Breastmilk is eons better than formula. You honestly think we should stop telling people that? I can't stop shaking my head. I hope you had SONS! All kids need is love. on New Zealand La Leche League

DISCLAIMER: I'm a member of my local LLL, but hear me out :-) Even as an LLL person, I don't agree with how the New Zealand LLL handled this. It gives people the wrong message about what LLL is really about, which is supporting women who wish to breastfeed to be as successful as possible. My hubby feeds my son pumped milk when I work and I'm glad he can. Not only does it increase their bond but I'm able to help our household financially to keep a roof over our heads. I have a physical condition that literally prevents me from making enough milk, no matter how much mother's milk tea, lactation cookies, fenugreek/blessed thistle, or oatmeal I have. I have found nothing but support from my LLL leaders who have listened to me sob about not being able to do what I feel I should be able to do. The thought that my body is failing me/my children is awful. They know I have to supplement with formula and have supported me through that as well. None of my LLL peeps have uttered a negative on New Zealand La Leche League

Women shouldn't have to argue the point either way. How we feed our babies is nobody's else's f'ing business and I wish I'd stuck up for myself a bit more with my first child when I had both sides chirping in. With my second I told people quite firmly what my decision was and made it clear their opinion wasn't welcome. on New Zealand La Leche League

We should be more GRATEFUL that we live in a time where there are alternatives available! My grandmother had a friend down the road with triplets, and she was not able to keep them all satisfied. So my grandmother, who was nursing her own son at the time, often lent a helping breast. It's a great story now, for my 70+ yr old dad to tell how he used to "share" with those 3 little girls... How blessed we are to have other options to nourish our babies!!! on New Zealand La Leche League

I actually began to cry reading your post and remembering the frustration, fear and exhaustion that came with trying to breast feed my first baby...and that was 13 years ago. The relief that came from watching her drink from the bottle was overwhelming. We all know what we make is better than anything (man :) made, and that breast feeding is the best for a baby. But we all have to do what works for our family, and we are the ONLY ones who know what that is! on New Zealand La Leche League 

I was crying writing it. That's why it's such an angry rant.  I was sooooo remembering all that frustration and craziness.

I think I need to move to New Hampshire-the lack of earth aware people in south jersey is driving me crazy! (I'm pretty sure the face licking done here is not for the benefit of the environment!) on Live Free (and Compost) or Die 

Huh...I never thought of my parenting styles as part of the OAM category...in fact just the opposite...I breastfeed because I'm too lazy and too cheap to mess with formula (of course because of all the health benefits too, LOL), I cloth diaper because I'm too cheap to spend $80 a month on diapers (and because they don't leak), I baby wear because I'm too lazy to hold her with my actual arms (or fight with a stroller), oh, I also co sleep too...again way to lazy to get up in the middle of the night :) So, if all of that qualifies as an OAM I guess I'm guilty..I always just thought of it as cheap and lazy :) I've always been kind of jealous of the over achievers so I'm kind of excited to be put in that group LOL on Live Free (and Compost) or Die

This cracked me up.  


I think I'm like #443 to comment and I know you can't possibly be reading all of these, so what's the catch? Do you have a sponsor sending you a dime for each comment or something? on Getting to Know You

No catch.  If you know of a sponsor that will send me a dime for each comment, please share, I could use the money.  As I've said before, I'm just a simple comment whore and I like to get comments and I love to read them.  They are sometimes more entertaining than the blog post itself.

JUST found your blog via a friend 3 days ago, and I'm hooked! The name alone hooked me, actually. Your posts are absolutely hilarious! I am 42, 2 kids ages 6 and almost 8, work from home, hubby works from home too so we try not to get in each other's way. We live in Roswell, GA. My friend told me about your Elf on the Shelf story, so I looked it up - made me laugh so hard coffee almost came out of my nose! on Getting to Know You

I can't believe the Elf on the Shelf is still getting me readers at the end of February.  That Elf deserves a treat.

To answer your question, NO, these organic scraps will not just compost in the landfill (sorry to disappoint). Compost needs air to breath and do its thing. In a landfill, things are compressed and buried so there is no airflow. Also, in a landfill, all the bacteria necessary to properly compost/decompose the organic material is killed off by all the toxic chemicals and what not. on Live Free (and Compost) or Die


Damn it.  I knew you were going to say that.  Off to research composting...

Good fences do make good neighbors. Electric fences make better ones. ;-) on Life

Tee hee hee.

Although I can't imagine you are reading comment #431, I can't resist. 38-yr-old mother of 3: Moo (10), Slim (7), and surprise baby Geel (9 mos). More at not-so-super-mom.blogspot :) on Getting to Know You 


Read it!

My Current Legal Spouse works from home now, and one of the best things about that is I occasionally convince him to play hooky during the week and we see an early afternoon movie. Hardly anyone there- HEAVEN, I tell you. Then eeevery once in a while.. I'm feeling generous and we have a "nooner" afterwards. Bom chicka wa wow!! on Movie Night With Mary 


I love the way you write and I love reading your blog, but it pains me to point out a huge grammatical error on your part. You wrote: "It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater." It should read, "Mary and me" since you're not the subject in the sentence. Other than that, you're a great writer! --Ashlyn (the Grammar Police) on Movie Night With Mary

Several readers wanted me to smoke you and tell you to stop correcting me, but I refrained.  I am usually a jerk about your and you're and their, there and they're so I appreciate your corrections.  I have a hell of a time remembering when to use me or I so I think I will just refer to myself in the third person from here on out so we won't have this problem in the future.  "...for Mary and Jen at the movie theater."  Yes, Jen thinks that's a great idea!  P.S. - Jen can't believe you only found issue with this sentence.  All of Jen's posts need editing.  Will you edit all of Jen's posts in the future? 

I have to at least plug this: In Austin, there is this chain of theatres called the Alamo Drafthouse that actually kick people out for talking or disturbing their neighbors. They also serve food and alcoholic beverages and have an age limit. The place rocks! Check out this for the angry voicemail of a girl who got kicked out (and they play that video before R rated movies!): http://cf.drafthouse.com/she_texted_we_kicked_her_out2.html on Movie Night With Mary (make sure your speakers are turned down)

This is really funny, but make sure your speakers are turned down if you're at work or have kids around.  

AND, I bet you NEVER THOUGHT you would get s so many responses did you??? I would LOVE TO BE YOUR FB FRIEND...I can only imagine your status updates :) on Getting to Know You

My FB status updates are crap.  Lots of weather reports and griping about laundry.

Arky full of Malarky . . . that means I'm from Arkansas and love word play. Hooked on Scrabble and Words with Friends to prevent the onset of early Alzheimer's. Am also a forty-something homeschooling and public schooling mom with 3 kids and one dog. You make me laugh even though or maybe because you curse like a salty dog of a pirate. on Getting to Know You 

"Salty dog of a pirate."  Hilarious.

13 year old girl from Kansas (probably not the typical reader...) who found your blog because my mom sent me your rules for daughters.. Now reading it is one of the few things I do every day. You're posts crack me up and sometimes I wonder if I'll turn out with a sense of humor like yours.. People tell me I'm funny now but your sarcasm and snarky comments never fail to make me laugh. As for favorite things I love to read, color: definitely purple, iced tea (but not sweet.. Nasty), and living life to the fullest. Over and out.. Off to do homework.. Thanks for the laughs! on Getting to Know You

I guess if your mom introduced you to the blog, I don't need to worry that I'm too "mature" for you to read, right?  Your mom knows you're still reading?  (This goes for the other 13 year old I heard from.)  I was a sarcastic, angry, snarky 13 year old, so there's a good chance you could grow up to be a sarcastic, angry, snarky 39 year old.  The good news is you don't have homework anymore, just a house to maintain, a husband to please, kids to raise, a job to do....hmmm, let's change places.