Open Letter to Marissa Mayer

Dear Marissa Mayer,

Hey, it's me, Punchy. I've been meaning to write you a letter for a long time. I'm sorry it's so long overdue. I guess I just haven't been that motivated to write you since I'm home all day. Maybe if I was stuck in cubicle hell I'd be inspired to write to you.

Anyhoo, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I am finally getting it done!

First, let me start with the accolades. Congrats on the new Yahoo gig. What a great opportunity for you to set such a fine example for young girls like my daughter, Adolpha. I'm sure young women around the country are looking up to you as a hero. BTW, how amazing was it that you were hired as the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Plus all this happened while you were pregnant! Has that ever even been done before? (I'm sure at least one guy on the board thought you were just fat or something and didn't realize you were cooking a bun, am I right?)

Look, I know you got a little flack about your maternity leave. I get it. I do. You could not have won that argument. Everyone had their opinion on just how much maternity leave you were going to need. At one end of the argument, you had board members and shareholders who wanted you to birth your baby in the office during a conference call, and at the other end you had earth mommies everywhere demanding that you take at least six months to properly bond with your baby, eat your placenta, and heal your aching hooha. There was no way to appease everyone. You had to do what was right for you.

I must admit though, I really thought that two weeks was a bold statement. When you first announced you'd only take two weeks maternity leave, I thought, That's so cute that Marissa thinks she's only going to need two weeks. It's her first baby and she's so used to everything going her way, but babies throw even the strongest people for loops. I hope she's ready to take off at least a month. But nope, you proved me wrong and you were back in the executive suite within two weeks, just as promised. Kudos to you (and the robotics team who built you)!

I didn't hear much about you again for a while, until last week when you dropped the bomb on all of your Yahoo employees that they must come in to work and toil in a cube all day.

Marissa, girl, what are you thinking??

Come on, you really took that whole "there's a new sheriff in town" thing way too far. Remember, when I said earlier that you're like a hero to women in the workforce everywhere? Yeah, I take that back. You're Gordon Gecko's hero.

I'm not going to get all scientific on you, but did you know there are tons of studies out there that say that people are actually a lot more productive from their home offices?

Take me, for example. I am writing this on a Sunday afternoon. I'm not wearing pants. Seriously. OK, I have pajama bottoms on, but they're so pajama-y that I wouldn't even wear them to Wal-Mart. I've been taking breaks from writing this so I can throw in a load of laundry and help my kids with their homework. I will most likely finish this piece tonight from the comfort of my bed once my kids are tucked in.

If you told me I had to drag my ass into the office to write this, it would never get done. Because I suck at the office. Truly. Ask anyone who has ever been my boss. I'm that office worker who thinks "collaboration" means hanging out in the break room all day re-hashing last night's episode of Survivor. (“Hey, did you guys see Phillip running around the island in his pink panties again? The Hubs was all, 'Where do you even buy pink men's underwear?' Hey, do you guys know? Because I think it would be funny to get him a pair for his birthday.”) I'm always watching the clock and/or staring out the window. I steal office supplies. I can't get enough Bic for Her pens! Corporate attire (even Casual Friday) sucks the life out of me and literally makes me livid. I spend a ridiculous amount of time and money on Amazon and Ebay just to fight the boredom and break up my day with mail deliveries.

Mmmmmm . . . free office supplies.

After working from home for the last 10 years, I can't even imagine how pissed off I would be to hear that now I've got to suit up and chain myself to a desk again.

Your workers must hate you, Marissa. If they didn't hate you when you put down the law with your 1987 Baby Boom-esque work ethic, then they'll definitely hate you when the nursery you are installing next door to your office is done. I know, I know. You're paying for the nursery out of your own pocket. Yeah, you kind of have to. Only golf course memberships and strip clubs can go on the CEO expense reports. I really doubt that this will be a new work-life balance option for all your employees. If you did allow your employees to bring their babies to work, you'd probably ask everyone to just keep them under their desks so they won't interfere with productivity.

OK, so what do I know? I'm just some dumb blogger. I'm not the CEO of anything. Let me see if I understand your new policy: everyone needs to haul their sad, tired asses into the Yahoo offices Monday to Friday and if they're not willing to do that, then they can find employment elsewhere. Hmm … I don't know. I would think that anyone who is any good will definitely be able to find another job with a better company (Google) where they will be able to find the flexibility they are used to (Google). The ones who can't find a better place to work (Google) will be forced to come into the office and steal your office supplies and stare out your windows. 

Way to weed out the best!

Sincerely,

Jen

PS - You have my permission to run this letter on the front page of Yahoo if you think it would help boost morale.

OK, so what do you think? Is this a good idea for Yahoo employees?

Hey, I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Actually, two, but I don't want to get greedy. I just want to win WEBLOG OF THE YEAR. If you have a minute (really, it takes a whole minute) to vote for me I'd appreciate it. 

Photo source: Freedigitalphotos