Kristen Stewart

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen.  What can I say?  I've never been a fan of Kristen Stewart.  I've always thought she was a terrible actress who really only has one skill (squinting eyes and stuttering a bit and looking like she could suck the chrome off a bumper).  When she first came to my attention she had been cast as Bella Swan.  A terrible choice in my opinion. K-Stew was nothing like I imagined Bella.  When I watched the first Twilight movie I alternated between groaning in pain and laughing at the terrible acting, I mean squinting.  That is when I could take my eyes off the terrible make up job (am I the only who was bothered by how pink all the vampires were below the chin line??).

Now Kristen is all over the news because she cheated on Robert Pattinson and I'm ready to give you my opinion on their private lives:

1.  I realize Kristen is young and young people do stupid stuff and we shouldn't judge her and she we should let them all get through this privately and blah, blah, blah, but this is what happens when you decide you want to be a movie star.  When you're a movie star your private life is no longer private.

2.  I'm not sure I'm buying that Kristen cheated on anyone.  Let me explain.  I've always thought "Robsten" was a little too easy.  Let's face it, there are Twilight blow dryers out there.  This is a huge franchise about true, deep and once in (an eternal) lifetime love aimed squarely at young, impressionable teenage girls (and their mothers) and their wallets.  


How quaint is it that the stars just happened to hook up and fall madly in love?  I've never really bought it.  (Especially since at every photo op K-Stew rarely looks madly in love and almost always looks like she has something shoved up her ass.)  Maybe this "relationship" was carefully orchestrated by studios and agents and anyone else looking to make Twilight money.  Maybe both Rob and K-Stew have been having flings on the side when they're not on the red carpet and K-Stew just made the mistake of getting caught.


3.  To bolster my theory that the "Robsten" is fabricated, check out Kristen's apology.  I think Stephenie Meyer wrote it.  When have you ever seen Kristen say anything even remotely that emotional?  I think the studio and her agent sat her down and said, "We've got spin control working on this right now.  You are the highest paid actress in Hollywood right now.  I just bought a Ferrari.  This shit can NOT be happening.  We've got to fix this.  Stephenie just emailed us the apology we think you should go with:  My darling Rob, you are my sun and my moon. You are my one true North and I am so very sorry for hurting you. You are the last person on the planet I would ever want to injure.  You are my soul mate.  Please, Rob, forgive me.  I am lost without your love.  You are my Edward and I am your Bella."


A studio exec added, "And to my Twilight fans, remember, Bella always stayed pure and true to Edward and you can see that on the big screen this fall, see our website for details and where you can purchase your own commemorative wedding invitation."  


At that point I think K-Stew's agent threw up.  They did some quick edits and came up with what she released to People magazine:


"I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry." 

Still, quite a bit of emotion for that girl, don't you think?

4.  I am actually more disgusted with the director, Rupert Sanders.  (BTW, can you imagine saying, "Oooh, Rupert, yes, that feels good"???  Ick.)  I'm always irritated when married men cheat.  I'm also always irritated when OLD married men cheat with YOUNG women.  It's so fucking cliched.  Rupert has a lot more to lose than Kristen.  He has a wife of several years and a couple of kids.  You don't throw that shit away for a romp with a sour puss with a tight ass.

5.  I think it's funny that ANYONE thinks this dalliance will affect the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie.  Please, I am the perfect example.  I despise K-Stew and Rob in their roles.  They are nothing like I ever imagined Bella and Edward to be.  However, that has not stopped me from shelling out money repeatedly to go and watch them squint at one another.  The young fans will get over it by November and if anything they will just love Rob more since he's hurt now.

6.  I have read reports that Rob does not bathe as often as one might and he tends to smell.  If this is true, then I think Kristen does not get any blame for messing around.  That shit is uncalled for.

Hollywood Casting Directors Who Cast the Movies of Books They Don't Read

I am a reader.  The hubs is a movie watcher.  I majored in English.  He majored in Film.  I've never seen him read more than a headline on the newspaper or a caption under a photo.  I watch movies for pure entertainment.  I don't notice tricky camera angles.  I barely recognize great acting.  He thinks I'm a Neanderthal when it comes to my list of "great movies" (Star Wars is always number 1).  I think he's a rube and I secretly suspect he might not be able to read.

The only time I get persnickity about movies is when Hollywood takes a perfectly good book (with rabid followers like myself) and RUINS it with their casting choices.

Who read The DaVinci Code and imagined Tom Hanks!??  IMO Tom Hanks will always be Kip Wilson from "Bosom Buddies" and there is nothing he can do to change that.  He plays the same role over and over again only this time he's at the Vatican.  Now Kip's in space.  Kip is lonely and can't sleep in Seattle.  Now Kip is eating a box of chocolates.  YAWN!

Is Robert Pattinson ANYONE'S idea of the perfect Edward Cullen?  (Where are the muscles, Hollywood?   He took off his shirt in that one scene and I about puked.)  I don't know who they could have chosen, but just about ANYONE else would have been a better choice.  Edward is supposed to be smokin' hot and have a body to die for and a face that's so beautiful you can barely look at it.  I don't see any of that with Rob.  The only thing saving Rob is he has a great head of hair that you want to touch and a British accent.
Harry Potter was done pretty well.  J.K. must have been really involved and made sure the casting directors actually read her books.  You can do that when you're as powerful as J.K., I guess.  I never got used to Ginny though.  I don't know if there is a dearth of redheaded actresses in Hollywood/England, but I think they could have dyed someone's hair to have a better Ginny. She was not as cool as I imagined.

Now Hollywood is working on two of my favorite franchises:  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Hunger Games.  So far I'm not UN-impressed with Tattoo's choices.  I like Daniel Craig.  I don't know enough about Rooney Mara yet, so the jury is still out on that one.  The Swedish versions were cast really well and I think Hollywood could learn a thing or two from them.

The Hunger Games is already ruined.  Katniss is clearly described as having olive skin.  She should be played by a Latina or a Native American actress.  Instead the blonde haired Jennifer Lawrence has been chosen.  WTH?   And don't get me started on the boys they chose for her love triangle.  ICK.  If I were Katniss and these are the two boys I get to choose from, I'd just stay in the Arena and take my chances with Tracker Jackers.  The only way these movies can be saved is if they cast Robert Downey, Jr. right now as Haymitch.  He's the only one.  They still have a chance to save this franchise.

Who am I kidding, though?  I own all the HP movies.  I brave the teeny-bopper crowds and see all the Twilight movies in the theatre (and yell like the old lady I am at the loud teeny-boppers to pipe down so I can hear Bella and Edward profess their love to one another).  I'm pretty excited about The Hunger Games coming to the big screen and no matter who they cast, I'll be there - bitching the entire time - but I'll be there.

I'm just asking that Hollywood stop looking at the big name actors and actresses and take a moment to read the damn books.  It will make your job easier and I would argue you'll make more money.  Look how big Twilight is.  Can you imagine how much bigger it could have been if you hadn't jacked it up with casting?!  If you'd picked the right Edward, I would have bought a poster (to hang in my closet where no one could see it of course) and I'm not the only Twi-Mom (or whatever you want to call me) who would do it.