Kristen Stewart

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen.  What can I say?  I've never been a fan of Kristen Stewart.  I've always thought she was a terrible actress who really only has one skill (squinting eyes and stuttering a bit and looking like she could suck the chrome off a bumper).  When she first came to my attention she had been cast as Bella Swan.  A terrible choice in my opinion. K-Stew was nothing like I imagined Bella.  When I watched the first Twilight movie I alternated between groaning in pain and laughing at the terrible acting, I mean squinting.  That is when I could take my eyes off the terrible make up job (am I the only who was bothered by how pink all the vampires were below the chin line??).

Now Kristen is all over the news because she cheated on Robert Pattinson and I'm ready to give you my opinion on their private lives:

1.  I realize Kristen is young and young people do stupid stuff and we shouldn't judge her and she we should let them all get through this privately and blah, blah, blah, but this is what happens when you decide you want to be a movie star.  When you're a movie star your private life is no longer private.

2.  I'm not sure I'm buying that Kristen cheated on anyone.  Let me explain.  I've always thought "Robsten" was a little too easy.  Let's face it, there are Twilight blow dryers out there.  This is a huge franchise about true, deep and once in (an eternal) lifetime love aimed squarely at young, impressionable teenage girls (and their mothers) and their wallets.  


How quaint is it that the stars just happened to hook up and fall madly in love?  I've never really bought it.  (Especially since at every photo op K-Stew rarely looks madly in love and almost always looks like she has something shoved up her ass.)  Maybe this "relationship" was carefully orchestrated by studios and agents and anyone else looking to make Twilight money.  Maybe both Rob and K-Stew have been having flings on the side when they're not on the red carpet and K-Stew just made the mistake of getting caught.


3.  To bolster my theory that the "Robsten" is fabricated, check out Kristen's apology.  I think Stephenie Meyer wrote it.  When have you ever seen Kristen say anything even remotely that emotional?  I think the studio and her agent sat her down and said, "We've got spin control working on this right now.  You are the highest paid actress in Hollywood right now.  I just bought a Ferrari.  This shit can NOT be happening.  We've got to fix this.  Stephenie just emailed us the apology we think you should go with:  My darling Rob, you are my sun and my moon. You are my one true North and I am so very sorry for hurting you. You are the last person on the planet I would ever want to injure.  You are my soul mate.  Please, Rob, forgive me.  I am lost without your love.  You are my Edward and I am your Bella."


A studio exec added, "And to my Twilight fans, remember, Bella always stayed pure and true to Edward and you can see that on the big screen this fall, see our website for details and where you can purchase your own commemorative wedding invitation."  


At that point I think K-Stew's agent threw up.  They did some quick edits and came up with what she released to People magazine:


"I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry." 

Still, quite a bit of emotion for that girl, don't you think?

4.  I am actually more disgusted with the director, Rupert Sanders.  (BTW, can you imagine saying, "Oooh, Rupert, yes, that feels good"???  Ick.)  I'm always irritated when married men cheat.  I'm also always irritated when OLD married men cheat with YOUNG women.  It's so fucking cliched.  Rupert has a lot more to lose than Kristen.  He has a wife of several years and a couple of kids.  You don't throw that shit away for a romp with a sour puss with a tight ass.

5.  I think it's funny that ANYONE thinks this dalliance will affect the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie.  Please, I am the perfect example.  I despise K-Stew and Rob in their roles.  They are nothing like I ever imagined Bella and Edward to be.  However, that has not stopped me from shelling out money repeatedly to go and watch them squint at one another.  The young fans will get over it by November and if anything they will just love Rob more since he's hurt now.

6.  I have read reports that Rob does not bathe as often as one might and he tends to smell.  If this is true, then I think Kristen does not get any blame for messing around.  That shit is uncalled for.

Actresses from the Jennifer Love Hewitt School of Acting

 2.  Actresses from the Jennifer Love Hewitt School of Acting.  These are young to youngish women in Hollywood who all fall into one category in my mind.  They're all usually dark haired, small build and slightly anemic looking.  Think Jennifer Love Hewitt (of course), Neve Campbell, Rachel McAdams and now Kristen Stewart.  Kristen has been studying heavily with JLH and is graduating with honors and single handedly ruining the entire Twilight series.  JLH really perfected this acting style back in her Party of Five days and she's inspired a whole new group.  It's really the only legacy she's got so I guess she's got to milk it for what it's worth.

The whole trick is to make sure the hands are always covered by some fitted sweater or shirt that has ridiculously over-long sleeves so that only the finger tips emerge.  There's a lot of talking with the hands bunched up inside these sleeves and the girl just looks SO vulnerable and petite with these enormous sleeves, the men just can't help but scoop them up and save them.  The real hard part though is to always squint the eyes and look confused.  They're always going "But....but....but....I just don't understand.  I mean, how could you do that to me?  Y'know...to us?"

There are tons of talented actresses out there losing perfectly good roles to these wastes of space.