Kimye Had A Baby and Lost Their Minds

North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would name their adorable, sweet baby girl North?? As in North West.

I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.

Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).

Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)

'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)

Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)

Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:

Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal

Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.

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Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Have you heard the news yet? I am absolutely BRIMMING with excitement for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and their new little "Kash Kow" (thanks to some random Kanye Twitter follower for that bit of brilliance). That's right! Kimye is going to have a Bay-Bay. Imagine my delight when I awoke this morning and the first piece of news I heard was that Kim was going to get a gut to match her ass.

Hello, my name is Kash Kow.

Where do I even begin with this hallowed event? First, let me congratulate Kim on landing a baby daddy that can at least afford to keep her baby in fur onesies and solid gold binkies and all before she's even legally divorced from her husband, Kris Humphries! (BTW am I the only one who thinks Kris looks like the dumbest guy on the planet? His mouth is always hanging open and he always looks like he's going to say, "Hey, babe . . . oh, never mind, I forgot.") Anyway, Kim's mother, Kris Jenner, must be so proud of her not yet divorced daughter getting knocked up by a wealthy rap star who hasn't made any indication he has plans to marry her.

Oh wait, of course she is. This is a girl whose whole family's claim to fame is that she made a sex tape that was caught up in some sort of brouhaha when it was leaked (probably by a family member) and then she had to go to court where she was awarded $5 million.

Of course Kris Jenner is thrilled. She is Kim's pimp. She probably brokered the deal with Kanye herself. She probably told him she can get E! to televise the birth (sponsored by Shape Ups, of course) and they can split the money and now he can be part of the official Kardashian holiday card.

It was time to branch out the Kardashian line. Literally, this morning on the news, one of the reporters said something like, "I"m not sure what they have planned, but this is a great branding and marketing opportunity." The possibilities are endless. After whipping up some revolting - I mean chic - maternity clothes, they can sell ad space on the baby bump to the highest bidder. Then after televising the birth of the baby, there's always the chance for a spinoff reality show where we can watch Kim take the baby to Mommy & Me classes in 6 inch stilettos and interview nannies all while she hawks some weight loss company. Plus, the products! Imagine! Kardashian Kribs, hair extensions for babies (how embarrassing to have a bald newborn) or inserts for diapers so babies can have the Kardashian booty.

I'm sure Mama Kris is already way ahead of me planning a baby line. Sure she's got other grandchildren she could have exploited, but those are Kourtney's kids. Ugh. Kourtney doesn't have the "kache" that Kim has. Kanye and Kim make "Kimye." There isn't a cute nickname you can make up for Kourtney and her deadbeat baby daddy, Scott Disick. There aren't any "branding" or "marketing" opportunities for someone who looks like a whiny, spoiled Eurotrash douchebag!

I would just like to congratulate Kimye on successfully consummating their relationship and I would like to send a little message to their baby. (My guess is Kimye, Jr. will have an official Kardashian-endorsed Twitter account by noon where I can message him/her.) Dear Kimye, Jr., declare emancipation now or put yourself up for adoption. Do it now before your parents name you something stupid like Kornell.