Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

We've all heard that it doesn't matter what we post on the internet, it just may come back to haunt you and yet we all continue to do it. Don't we?

I'm not talking about bloggers. I put my stuff out there because I WANT people to read it. I WANT them to be entertained by it. I'm talking about people who go to seemingly "private" places and then get caught.

I'm always amazed by the number of people who just put their dirt out there and never consider for a moment who just might see it.

Like me. I might see it.

Let me tell you a little something: I can see you. I can see everyone who links to me. It's called Google Analytics and it allows me to see where my blog traffic is coming from. Sometimes it's message boards. Sometimes I'll end up on BabyCenter or some place like that. Last week I ended up on a board called GymboFriends.

GymboFriends is a national message board for people who want to buy and sell Gymboree clothing to one another. 

It's no secret that I like to lurk on message boards and it's no secret that I enjoy a good deal on Gymboree. Guess who belongs to GymboFriends? I haven't visited in months, but when I saw the hits coming from there, I decided to dust off my login and check out what was being said.

Typically, I find threads like, "This woman is a genius! Go read her now!" Not surprisingly, those are my favorites. However, more times than I care to admit, I find, "This woman is insane and should not be allowed to procreate. Go read her now!" Eh, either way they come and read me which makes me happy.

On GymboFriends I found something I've never seen before. A person who was actually threatening to bar me from speaking at an event that she was a part of. Now, I'm not offended so much by the attack. I love a good pearl-clutching-the-world-is-ending-party (hopefully with smelling salts for everyone in the goody bags!) as much as everyone else. I pop some popcorn, I put my feet up, and I watch the crazy fly. No, what offended me was the holier than thou bullshit this saintly woman spouted. There is nothing that pisses me off more than a Judgy Judy who trots out her sanctimonious shite and pulls the whole, "I'm not judgmental, but ... this woman is the devil" spiel. The only thing that would have made her diatribe worse would have been if she ended it with "Just sayin'" which we all know is the "fuck you" of the Internet. Instead she did some weird googly eyed thing I can't make out, but I assume it's a happy face with the vapors.

Here's what she wrote:

"A little background...I am the vice-president of our young mom's group at Church. I just got an email from the mom that is scheduling our couple events about the speaker she lined up for October. She told me she's a local blogger.

So, I googled her blog and I am honestly rather offended by the language used in the blog, and I'm thinking this might not be the most appropriate speaker to have for a couples night that will be taking place in our Church. I do have veto power over this, and I'm wanting opinions before I call the President this late at night.

This is a direct quote from her blog:

'So there is this bitch in Canada who lives near an older lady who takes care of her grandson in the summer time. The grandson is severely autistic and spends a lot of his time outside.

The bitchy neighbor can't stand listening to the autistic grandson make noises outside and so she took it upon herself to write an anonymous letter to the grandmother with some helpful suggestions of how to deal with the boy. Such as: take him to park, move away, and (this one is the doozy) euthanize him.

Yeah. This soulless cunt suggested the boy be killed. As in dead. As in murder this child because he's too noisy and annoying.

But just in case you think the bitch isn't caring, before his death she would like to harvest his "non retarded (her words, not mine) body parts" and donate them to science because "what the hell else good is he to anyone?" Here is a link where you can see the whole disgusting letter.' (http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/)

Am I being a prude or is this incredibly inappropriate to take place in our Church with our Mom's group???"


OK, I'll admit, it might seem a little odd that I was invited to speak at a church. However, hear me out. I was invited to speak at a couples' night and I was asked to bring some light-hearted humor to the group. I was going to tell some funny stories about parenting, motherhood, peeing alone, and husbands and then I was going to hawk some copies of I Just Want to Pee Alone afterwards. Lots of speakers address these kinds of groups. Many of the speakers talk about budgeting or child-rearing or other things that appeal to parents of children. They are excellent and effective speakers and they never address religion, even though it's a religious group they're speaking to. 

The woman, Annie, who set it up knew exactly who I was and was confident that I could be funny and entertaining without offending her fellow church-goers. She felt like the overall message of I Just Want to Pee Alone resonates with all moms. The message of we're not alone and we all struggle through the daily ups and downs of parenting and we're all hoping that we're doing it right and that we might as well parent with humor, because the alternative sucks.

When Annie emailed me to book this event, it didn't occur to me that it could be a problem. I have many, many, many readers who attend church every Sunday. The Hubs and I attend on a regular basis. So, I have been to church and I know what it's all about. I don't pull my skirt over my head to scratch my ass or try and kiss the minister on the mouth. I'm very well-behaved when I want to be.

At this point I've been invited to speak at several different venues and I've managed to entertain the crowd without anyone fainting. I am an entertainment site. I am no different than a Rated-R movie. I've been to Rated-R movies with my church ladies and no one died. I'm Rated-R but I can be a Rated-G speaker if need be.

The word that really sent these GymboFriends over the edge was "cunt." It's not a word I use very often. I can think of two times on this blog that I've used it. It's a word I don't throw around lightly. I used it on this post because I was writing about a woman who had suggested her neighbor euthanize her autistic grandson. "Bitch" just didn't do it for me. I had to bring out the big guns. If this woman isn't a cunt then I don't know who is! 

It is unfortunate that this is the post these women latched onto, but not surprising. Rather than dig a little deeper into my blog and see what I'm all about, it's much better to start a rally to veto my ass and ban me instead. If they would have poked around a bit more they might have found my post about Judgmental People Who Don't Think They're Judgmental. I doubt they would have recognized themselves though. Judgmental people rarely do. It's also not surprising that they decided to vilify me instead of, I don't know, THE WOMAN WHO WANTED TO EUTHANIZE HER AUTISTIC NEIGHBOR! 

It didn't surprise me that this woman was offended by me and that she was second guessing my selection, but it did surprise me that she chose to air her grievances in a semi-public forum. She didn't pick up the phone and call her fellow board members (including Annie, who booked me) to say, "Hold on a sec, I'm not too sure about this. Can we talk about it?" Instead, she chose to go onto a website that had nothing to do with her church group and "ask" a simple question. Only, she wasn't asking a question. She wasn't looking for advice. She wanted to make sure that all of the women who read her thread lit their torches and joined her mob and egged her on.

Just look at some of the responses she got on there: 

"I don't really care if she sensors herself perfectly, I don't want someone that speaks like that in our Church speaking to a group of young moms."

"I know many people know how to self-censor when necessary, but you have no way to know if she will, and she had plenty of time to censor her language while writing her blog, and chose not to. If that's her method of garnering attention for her views, then I would deem her an ineffective communicator."

"She may censor herself during the event, but she is not qualified to teach women in the church and I would not have her in any position of authority. I would welcome her to come and listen, though."

"Being able to have a very successful blog and speak publicly well to large groups of people are two different things. I don't know a whole lot about her, so she may do public speaking engagements regularly and be very good at it. 2) Her blog (and thus all I know about her professionally) has little to do with marriage and motherhood. She is married and a mother I presume, but that does not in and of itself qualify one to speak on the topic IMO.


Wow. Apparently I'm a barn animal (hee-haw) who can't control myself and just might blurt out "Thanks for having me, motherfuckers!" or pee on the pulpit or get drunk on the communion wine. You just never know what I might do.

Are you kidding me? Yes, I have a mouth on my blog, but I also raise two young children. Do they really think I can't censor myself? Do they think I'm yelling, "Come on Gomer, get your fucking backpack so we can get your ass to school!" What a bunch of idiots. The level of stupidity is overwhelming.

When you only read one post on my blog, I suppose it's easy to think that it has "little to do" with marriage and motherhood. Anyone who knows me knows that I actually write a lot about marriage and motherhood. Guess what else has a lot do with marriage and motherhood? I Just Want to Pee Alone. The book I was going to be speaking about. Hmmm. What do you know? It's like Annie knew that I could handle that topic with ease. Also if being a wife and a mother doesn't "qualify" me to speak on the the topic, then who is qualified to speak about being a wife and a mother?

What exactly do I need to do to be "qualified"? Watch my mouth? Pipe down? Yeah, that's not gonna happen. So I guess I'll never be qualified enough to attend a church group and tell some funny stories.

Come on, lady, don't hide behind that veil of perfection. Don't act like my blog made you shudder and quake just thinking about what all of the mommies who look up to you might think if you invited me into your house of worship. The horror!

After entertaining myself with this thread for a day, I started to worry about Annie. I didn't want her to get blindsided by little Ms. Pearl Clutcher, who was obviously going to flex her veto power. I decided to let her know what was happening on GymboFriends. When I told Annie about it, I encouraged her NOT to take the hit for me. I am not worth it. These are her friends. This is her church. If people are upset, then she should boot me.

Instead of staying quiet and watching me get vetoed, Annie went out in a blaze of glory. She fired off the most awesome and amazing resignation letter that I've ever seen. She brilliantly defended me and her decision to invite me to speak. I'm not going to share Annie's letter, because it's private (she didn't post it on a national message board), but let's just say there was a lot of "What would Jesus do with Jen?" and "Christianity. You're doing it wrong."

Ms. Pearl Clutcher got her way and got me banned. However, when a GymboFriends moderator realized she was speaking ill of me, a fellow GymboFriends member, Ms. Pearl Clutcher also almost got herself banned from GymboFriends, which is almost worse than being banned from church.

That lady better watch what she says about me on the Internet, because I'm always watching. Just sayin'.

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