I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing.
My laugh lines aren't disappearing when I'm done laughing, my middle is getting softer, I'm taking more and more trips to the hairdresser to keep the gray hairs under control, and my libido isn't what it used to be.
None of these bother me (and the Hubs) as much as my waning sex drive. I've been looking everywhere for a solution and I've yet to find one. Until today.
Today a little birdy told me that what I need is a vagina makeover. I'm in my forties now and even though I'm at my sexiest age, my hooha is not. It used to be that some good grooming and a rhinestone or two could make the little lady sparkle. Nowadays, fifty rhinestones wouldn't make a difference. My honeypot is tired. It's wrinkled and dehydrated. As if I didn't have anything else to worry about when I'm having sex (Are the lights low enough? Is this my good side? Did I just fart?), now I have to worry about my deflated vagina too.
Put those worries away, ladies, because now you too can get the Labia Puff Procedure. This is just a small surgery where they can use fillers to put the spring back into the step of your lady lips. You can restore elasticity and tone again, because I don't know about you, but my chicken wing arms are NOTHING compared to the sad, saggy mess I have going on downstairs.
Maybe you need more. For instance, let's say you're feeling a little drafty during sex. Like your lady garden has become more of a lady cave, then there's a procedure for that too. Doctors can just go ahead and rebuild you and give you a vagina the Six Million Dollar Man would have received if he'd been a woman. "We can make her tighter, softer, deeper, better."
Oh for fuck's sake. I just can't. I'm so done.
Stop it.
I can't put on lash extensions, immobilize my forehead, chisel my cheekbones, plump up my lips, suck the fat from chin, enlarge my boobs, lift my ass, flatten my stomach, AND puff my beef curtains.
I draw the line there.
Besides, I just ordered a c-string and I can't take any chances that it won't fit my beefed up baby cannon. However, I'm a giver. When they suck the fat from my chin I would like to donate it to a woman with a wilted kitty.
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I'm not even going to pretend that I haven't looked into this because I totally have. I looked at my woman parts for the first time in years a couple of weeks ago and was HORRIFIED! My stuff looks torn the heck up and I'm only 26. Birthing two babies was not kind to my vagina at all! If I had the extra money lying around, I would do it in a heartbeat and take my throat punch. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha!
DeleteI wonder if they have a procedure for addressing droopy old man balls. A sac-lift, perhaps?
ReplyDeleteBall Botox
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUa6BhGRxNw
DeleteMy beefed up baby cannon. I'm gonna use that one. Thanks for the giggle today. I'm with you though - I want to punch both the people who provide the service and the people who want it right in the throat.
ReplyDeletec-sections ladies. Pretty sure 2 c-sections left me with the equivalent of a hoohah six pack, but that's about all that is still in tact on me. I like the idea of donating our excess lard to those in need though. Maybe they can add that to organ donation.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you! Two C-sections, but I have extra of everything else, everywhere else. 🥴
DeleteOk but live organ donation. I’d sign up today.
DeleteI'm at work and you had me laughing out loud. I'm four weeks away from giving birth and it's already a mess down there. I envy my friend who talks about getting herself waxed to a glossy shine every two weeks. I think I may have to cut her out of my life. . .
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought the medication for "not enough eyelashes" was ridiculous (side effects: permanent discoloration of irises, too much fluid in the eye, and potential to grow eyelashes in places where eyelashes shouldn't grow).
ReplyDeleteI mean, what's the advertising for this one? "Is your man complaining you're wider than the Lincoln Tunnel?"
Too funny!! Thank you for describing what my Gynecologist forgot to tell me about getting older.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the giggle
If you have to take autoplay video ads, do they have to be political smear campaigns?
ReplyDeleteI have no control over what they play.
DeleteThe ads you see are based on your search history... They are just showing you what they think you are looking for!
DeleteWOW. What an asshole.🙄
DeleteWhen we were in Florida last winter, we drove by a cosmetic gynecology clinic. Apparently, this is a "thing". No need to be ashamed of needing a little lift.
ReplyDeleteWait, WHAT???
ReplyDelete" . . . donate it to a woman with a wilted kitty." Bwahaha! Ellen
ReplyDeleteI was one of the unlucky ones who not only had the droopy v due to 4 vaginal births, but my last child grabbed hold of my uterus and pulled it darn near all the way out with her!!!! It got to be pretty uncomfortable in my 40s....then I started having problems going to the bathroom....1 and 2! Met with my gyn and he confirmed....my stuff was falling out. :-( Met with a urology gynocologist and he said he could fix me....that what I had was called pelvic organ prolapse and it's a medical condition. In April I went under the knife and was completely rebuilt. Uterus and cervix was removed and everything was rebuilt with my own tissue then pulled tight and sewn into a tight little package. In addition, he fixed the OUTSIDE of my v! I then had the hooha of a 20 year old virgin! My anus was even moved because of the sagging....and once it was pulled back into it's original position, I had a frightening few minutes in the hospital bathroom frantically trying to find my missing anus!! Anyways....sex is now off the charts amazing, I have a pretty little V again and nothing is falling out of me. Pelvic Organ Prolapse is a real and devastating condition so please see your gyn if you are feeling a lump or bulge down below and are having problems using the rest room. You may just get your brand new V compliments of your insurance company!
ReplyDeleteIf insurance will
DeleteCover I am all in!!!
OMG, helping hand paranormal you had me in hysterics!!!
ReplyDeleteBeef curtains? Hahahahahaha...that is excellent...and so much better than Nuni.
ReplyDeleteCan they make it talk yet? You know...get it to whisper sweet somethings in your ears when you're down there doing other dialectic activities. Maybe just a moan amplifier, something.......
ReplyDeleteOMG! I can't stop laughing. Thank you. This is the best thing I have read today!!
ReplyDeleteI suppose after 6 vaginal births and my nearing 50 ago I may be a candidate for hrlp, but Coach is not complaining so I will press onward and fail to supply it with extra attention.
ReplyDeleteFor cripe's sake, what happened to you guys? I'm almost 70 and I'm not completely "deflated" down there. I can't sneeze without regretting it, but still.
ReplyDeleteI totally believe in cosmetic refreshment. If you color your hair, you do, too. We paint houses, reupholster furniture, renovate old buildings. No reason we can't do the same for ourselves. The people who bitch about this, or make fun of it, are the ones who are still young enough to feel secure about all their so-called faults. Do it now and you'll look and feel better in 30 years. It's okay to write, but there's no need to lose all strength and tone in your bod.
You don't have to look like you're 20, but you need exercise anyway. Go ride a bike or swim 3 times a week. Not only will your vajayjay be more hydrated from the pool, but you'll feel better. The endorphins alone will plump you and your ass right up.
Hey, I lift weights 3 times a week, too. If I didn't, I might not be able to get back up from the floor should I fall there.
Oh my word how I love your blog!!! It's so funny and you say it like it is!! Please keep writing your hilarious take on life. I love it!!!
ReplyDelete