People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah

Today, this story caught my eye.  Kids with A and B names are better students than the rest of us.

My top of the class brother's name starts with A so I immediately started blaming my name for my lack of math skills.  Of course I've been average my entire life, I didn't have a chance!  I was doomed from the moment I was name Jenni.  Half-assed J - there you sit, right near the middle of the alphabet.  Damn my parents for not thinking harder about my name!  Imagine what I could have done if they'd just named me A.  No name, just the letter!  I could have been President or I could have cured cancer or something like that.  Instead, I'm just average Jenni.  Just living my average life because of my stupid name.  Don't try and convince me that it's not my name that makes me average.  I know what you'll say:  Jen, just look at your idol, Tina Fey.  Tina is a T name and she is above average.  That just shows what you know.  If you were a real fan like me, you'd know that Tina's real name is Elizabeth.  The fifth letter of the alphabet.  Pretty darn close to "A".

My brother, of course, is a high powered attorney living a jet-set lifestyle on the other side of the pond where he shops for fancy shoes like these for all of his upcoming formal events he's always being invited to.  (I haven't been to a formal event since Prom 1990.)

But instead of staying mad at my parents and their lack of originality (Jennifer was a top 5 girls' name for 20 years - way to think outside the box, folks), I decided to be mad at the people who conduct these asinine studies.

As parents, we've already got so much pressure on us not to screw up these little people and it all starts with the name we give them.  We think long and hard about what we're going to call these little wrinkled blobs (that all look alike to me).  How can we set our little wrinkled blob apart from the others in the nursery?  With a name.  The perfect name.

We've pored through the books and fought with our spouse for this one moment.  We've got our list and it was pretty hard to come up with.  Oh sure, there are some easy ones to avoid:  Adolf, Kathie Lee, Osama, Barney.  But, then you venture into odd ones like:  Fern, Winifred, Barry, and Fraser.  Are those strong and unusual names ripe for revival?  Will those names make the blob unique and help he/she to stand out from the sea of Aidens and Avas?

Will Humphrey be a successful businessman or will Alexander take the promotion because he's got an "A" name? What about Agnes?  She's got an A name, so she should be good in school, right?  But is Agnes a successful name?  Or a lucky name?  Arrgggghhhh!

Who is paying for these studies?  Who reads them (besides me)?  Do they mean anything?  Probably not...right??  Are we sure they don't??

All I know is my blob naming days are behind me and I'm glad that's over.  I named one kid an unpopular Old Testament name and the other one a family name that seems to remind most people of their dead dogs.  My kids are screwed.  What do you expect from a J name??

I'm going to say these studies are for entertainment only and have no scientific value.  I can't buy into this crap and start renaming my kids now!  Sure, my brother was a better student than I was, but it has nothing to do with his name starting with A.  I'm positive it's because he was tall and we all know tall people are more successful in life.