Michelle (The Uterus of Steel) and Jim Bob (Super Sperm) Duggar

Seriously, Michelle and Jim Bob?  Can't you two just keep it in your pants for once?  It was weird and sort of interesting when you had 14 kids, but now you're just reaching carnival freak level.  I think Jim Bob is a controlling Jesus-freak who believes he's a god on Earth lording over his own little Duggar Country.  I can't even find a hint of a person there that I could understand or communicate with, so I'll talk to Michelle.  We're both women, we're both mothers.  I've seen pictures of her before she started perming her hair at home and watching Jim Bob at all times for any sign of displeasure.  She once looked normal and fun and happy, surely we can find common ground.

I just have a couple of questions for Michelle:

1.  Do you wear adult diapers every day? I've only had two kids and let me tell ya, there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I have had trouble getting to the bathroom in time.  My bladder is not as strong as it once was and it degraded exponentially with each child.  I can't imagine what yours must be like.  You must just walk around with full pants all damn day.  If not, then maybe I should rename this post Bladder of Steel.

2.  Do you ever tell Jim Bob you have a headache?  Seriously, woman.  Your hoohaw must be barely recovered from birthing the last baby before Jim Bob comes around again looking for nooky.  Would it kill you to take a night off and give him a bottle of Lubriderm and tell him even God got to rest?

3.  Do you ever get to choose the name of the kids?  I've only watched a couple of episodes and every time you guys were deciding on names for the newest arrival (shocker) and "Daddy," as we all like to call him, was giving everyone a chance to vote, but his vote was supreme.  And that bastard went against the majority and picked his own choice every time.

4.  What's with the "J"s?  I'm assuming it's because Jim Bob is a narcissist.  But let's face it, you are running out of options and at this point, you're just making names up ("Joy-Anna" and "Jinger").  Plus, you've got a lot of variations on the same name:  Joy-Anna, Johannah, Jana.  And really, you went with Jinger before Jennifer?  You still had perfectly good "J" names left, you didn't need to start butchering the "G"s.

5.  Do you have a clause in your contract with TLC that for every kid featured on the show you get more money?  For me, it's the only logical reason to have 20 kids.

6.  Could you tell your silly son to get his own shtick?  I saw him on the Today show yesterday with his two kids (20 months apart!!) with names starting with "M".  Stop that nonsense right now.  I barely want to watch your show, there's no way I'm going to watch a show about him.

7.  Do you worry at all about the world's population and the strain it causes on the natural resources?  Or do you think God will just make the planet bigger to accommodate good Christians who choose not to use birth control?

8.  Do you worry at all about your health or, more importantly, the health of your baby?  That last one should have given you enough of a scare to get a hysterectomy.  That baby barely survived and you barely survived.  You want to live the Little House on the Prairie life well let me tell you, you would have died on the Prairie, Ma, and so would your baby.  Who will take care of your 19 children if you die during childbirth?  Not Jim Bob, that's for damn sure.  That's women's work.  Good thing you have so many daughters.  I guess they can just step in.  They're technically raising most of the other younger kids already, so it won't be too different I guess.

9.  Do you worry about the example you are setting for your daughters?  Are they looking forward to their lives as baby factories and dairy producers?  Not to mention professional homeschoolers and laundresses.  I don't see many other options available for your girls.  I don't see anyone encouraging them to follow their dreams.  I'm sure you've got one or two who dream of being full time mothers to a large brood and that's fine, but I KNOW there has to be at least one trying to figure out how to get out of the hell hole known as Duggar Country.  I know there's at least one daughter dreaming of going to away to college to study something other than Bible Studies, or one thinking of running off to Hollywood or one that just wants a cute little pixie cut!

10.  Why are you so damn ultra competitive when it comes to birthing babies?  Why do you have to push your 45 year old self to have yet another baby?  I think I know. You've got a daughter in law now with two babies just 20 months apart.  She's on your heels.  Do you feel that pressure?  Are you playing the odds?  Hoping Anna will give up after 12 and cry "uncle"?  Hoping Anna's uterus will give out on number 15?  Hoping Anna's 45 year old eggs will be too old and dusty to get the job done?

Chill out, Michelle. Take a break.  Put those feet (and constantly swollen ankles) up and breathe.  You've got this.  You are the winner.  No one (except maybe your own family members) wants to even try to give you a run for your money.  You have the greatest uterus and possibly, bladder, that ever lived, now put it to pasture and call it a day.