Anyone Who Has Ever Paid For Eyelash Extensions

I knew we were a vain, vain world, but eyelash extensions?  Really???!!  Unless you lost your eyelashes in a fire or from disease there should be no reason in the world why you would EVER buy eyelash extensions.  If you did, we cannot be friends.  I'm dead serious.  Delete me from your phone right now.

Imagine my surprise the other day when I opened my newest offer from Groupon and discovered I could buy eyelash extensions for a mere $75 (a $200 value, of course).  I assume that is for TWO eyes, but I didn't read the small print (I have naturally lush eyelashes and sometimes they hinder me when there is small print).

I hate, hate, hate these ridiculous products that are designed to make women feel even worse about themselves than they already do!  As if we don't care enough about our asses being too big, our boobs being too small, our hair being too straight/curly/frizzy/limp/dull/gray/whatever or our yellow teeth, now we need to worry about fucking eyelashes???

Are your eyelashes puny?  Is that why your husband cheats on you/you eat too much/you didn't get the big promotion at work/blah, blah, blah?  Well, buy eyelash extensions and you'll feel soooo much better about yourself and all your dreams will come true!

Don't be a loser with puny lashes.

Complete asshole charlatans.  Is your neck flabby?  Buy this.  Small butt?  Buy this.  Big butt?  Buy this.  Want bigger eyes (even if you're Asian)?  Buy these.  Got wrinkles?  Try this or this.  There are so many companies out there who are taking your money and telling you it will all be alright.  Just drink this snake oil.  Ugh!!!  It's sooo damn annoying!

Why don't men do any of this shit?  Every now and again you see a guy with hair plugs and a really bad face lift, but that's it.  When you go to the pool you see saggy man boobs, wrinkled knees, ear and nose hair that you could braid, nasty teeth and faded, stretched out tattoos that were (sort of) cool in the 80s.  And yet, they walk around like they OWN the joint and they've got to beat the ladiez off with a stick.  What gives?  Where do they get this amazing sense of self worth?  Maybe all we need is a shot of testosterone and we won't give a shit either.

Now that I think about it closer, I think my beef is really with Groupon (and the entire Bravo line up).  Between discounted offers for spider vein treatments, eyelash extensions, Vagazzling and Pole Worx I think Groupon needs to fuck off completely.  All I can think is their target demographics are hookers and Real Housewives of Any City.

What is wrong with us that we think our self worth hangs on an eyelash or bedazzled vagina?  How sad is it that reputable businesses like bookstores are going bankrupt, millions of homes are in foreclosure, children are hungry but we're still willing to spend hard earned money on stupid shit like eyelash extensions?

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