Brad & Angelina

These two are the most annoying parents I can ever imagine meeting at the playground.  Assuming, of course, I go to a playground in Cambodia or France or the Hurricane Katrina ravaged areas of New Orleans.

I've never been a real big fan of Brad Pitt - even in his "hot" years.  He just always looks like he tries too hard to make himself ugly.  He's always got some kind of nasty facial hair growing and a dirty ponytail.  When he actually cleans up and looks good I find myself attracted to him until he opens his mouth.  Because he's always condescending with a touch of arrogance - like he thinks his boyish twinkle can get him out of any mess.  Ugh.  He's pushing 50 now.  The boyish twinkle look is done.

I lost a lot of respect for him when he left Jennifer Aniston to take up with that Skeletor, Angelina.  You know I'm not a big fan of Jen's, but I hate cheaters more.  (C'mon, we all know Brad and Ang hooked up long before his marriage to Jen was over.)

I'm shocked that Angelina gets as much traction in Hollywood as she does.  Doesn't anyone remember her kissing her brother?

With her tongue?

OK, no tongue, but still gross.

Or carrying Billy Bob's blood in a vial between her ample Elvira-inspired bosom??

All of a sudden she's the U.N. Ambassador and everyone thinks she's Audrey Hepburn!

I also can't stand the way they collect kids at every stop on their world wide tour.  If it's Monday, it's the south of France, Tuesday is Mozambique and Friday is Nepal!  I hope we can find a new kid today! 

Don't get me wrong, their brood looks well loved and taken care of, but I just can't help but wonder if they're accessories rather than children.  Or maybe it's an "image" thing.  After all, the Pitt-Jolie squad is starting to look like their very own perfect little Benetton ad.  OK, let's go take a tour of this city, kids!  Smile for the paparazzi!  Leave the nannies in the hotel, we're just an average family of 8 on vacation.  Smile, kids, smile, dammit!  Ooh, let's get a rug for the dining room, a picture for Granny and a new kid!  We'll take the cute little one in the corner - we don't have one like that yet!  That one will balance our ad - oops, I mean our family - out nicely.

I can't help but think they're screwing those kids up though.  How many 5 year old girls do you know that want to dress like boys?  How perfect for them to have a little girl who thinks she's a little boy.  They're big into gay and lesbian rights and have said they won't get married until EVERYONE can (good for them, btw) and now they have a little girl with apparent gender identity issues?  How ironic.  For Shiloh's sake, I truly hope the desire to dress and look like a boy is coming from within, rather than something Brad and Angie are projecting on her just because they want to use it to make a statement of some kind. That would be so messed up.

My tipping point on these two self-absorbed douches came today though when I saw this picture:

This is Angelina's new ad campaign for Louis Vuitton.  We are supposed to believe that beautiful, gorgeous, au natural Angelina is not wearing ANY makeup in this photo.

Are you freaking kidding me??  Does she and/or Louis Vuitton really think we're that stupid?!

Yes, because when I take off my makeup I always have smoky eyes, chiseled, well-defined cheeks and glossy lips.

Now I feel like crap about myself.  How can I possibly feel better?  Oh I know!  I should go and drop a grand on a Louis Vuitton bag and then sit in my yard without makeup on.  SUDDENLY, I'll be transformed into a natural smokey eyed, leggy brunette beauty with a movie star husband, a jet setting lifestyle and 6 kids who I can care for effortlessly.

Thank God for advertisers and movie stars who keep it real so we don't feel so shitty about ourselves.  Thank you, Angelina and Louis Vuitton for helping me realize what natural beauty looks like and how I can achieve it!